May 31, 2005

I survived. Just barely.

Since the people at the stabby place didn't know what was wrong with me, the Younger Human had to sit in the car with me until they had a room ready for me. I hated that, but the Woman turned the cold air up all the way before she got out of the car to go inside. And the Younger Human had his Much Better Smelling Friend with him, so that was something nice. I like her; she's always nice to me.

Anyway, I went in after a while and that same guy was there. This time he wanted to shove something up my butt! I let him know in no uncertain terms that was not going to happen. So he touched my ears instead. He doesn't know what's wrong, but gave the Woman some really gross white stuff to give me.

This stuff is the worst treat I have ever had. It's worse than licking my own butt.

He also told her to bring Buddah Butt in for some special test to make sure cooties was all he had. I hope they stab him, too. Just a little.

I still feel really, really bad. After we got home all I did was sleep. After dinner--which I got to eat on the bathroom counter so that Buddah wouldn't bug me--I went back to sleep. There's a nice comfy place in the closet and I went in there for a while. Before the Man left to pass gas I got up for a little bit and he put Buddah in the Younger Human's room so I could have some peace.

I am going to go ask the Woman to rub me under my coller, 'cause MagiCatRN says it will make me feel better, and then I'm going back to sleep, probably on top of the dresser in the bathroom. Buddah Butt can't get up there, and the cold air thingy blows right onto it.

I've never been sick before. I don't think I want to do this again.
I still feel really bad. When I cough the Woman says it sounds like a seal barking, and this morning I coughed up this huge wad of gross stuff that I left in a stringy trail across the carpet.

The Woman said that was okay, and she'd clean it up. And every time Buddah jumps on me, she takes him off and tells him no, to leave the big kitty alone because he doesn't feel good.

Yeah, I actually appreciate that.

I heard her on the phone a little bit ago, though, and it sounds like she's taking me back to that place where I got stabbed. This isn't good, because I just don't have the energy to bite that guy today.

If I survive it, I'll update tonight. If I'm not sleeping it off, that is.
I hope he doesn't stab me again.

May 30, 2005

I am sick, and it's all Buddah Butt's fault. He brought these cooties into the house, and he's the one who sneeze out giant green boogers. I feel like a forgotten but too often used litterbox.

May 29, 2005

Do I look like a horse?


Then explain to me why that little monster was trying to ride me like one!

May 28, 2005

Someone needs to teach the little furball how to walk. He doesn't seem to know how--it's run here, run there, run sideways, run, run, run. I think the People get tired just watching him. He's so busy being spastic he didn't even realize that the Woman was giving us crunchy treats. She put down 5 for me and 1 for him, and when he didn't eat it, I took it.

Yeah, that's right. I snatched the crunchy treat right out from under his nose. You snooze, you lose.

He's been out all day so far, and I'm not seeing any respite from his hyperactive little butt. I wish the People would put him back in the Younger Human's room so I could get some sleep. There is no resting with a feline cannonball on the loose.

May 27, 2005

Okay, listen. No matter what The Woman says, I was not running in terror from that little hairy piece of fluff. When they let him out of the cage today, I just wasn't in the mood to deal with someone who clearly needs a hefty does of Ritalin. Yes, I ran down the hall, and then up the hall, and through the kitchen and the bedroom. And yes, he was right on my tail, but that doesn't mean he was chasing me. And it certainly doesn't mean I was running from him. I just don't want to deal with him.

Simple as that.


Edited 2.5 hours later to add: I let the little chit have it. He got too close one too many times, so I hissed at him and then popped him on the head 3 or 4 times. He'll learn.

May 26, 2005

I met it.
I am not impressed.

It--okay, he--is just a baby kitty but he has an attitude and I'm not sure I like that. He can't stay focused on anything for more than a minute, unless it's playing with my green catnip mouse. If I wantd to, I could sit on him and squish him. I might want to, but right now they have him in this cage in the living room,where I can see him and get used to him.

Yeah. Well. I'm not getting used to him.

Once he's out of that cage, I might even try to eat him. He's not that big, though, so it'll probably be just a snack.

I can be patient.
A heck of a lot more patient than he seems to be.

Oh, and there are more pictures of us meeting. They're pretty big, so fair warning if you're on dialup.

May 25, 2005

Okay. So I was playing with a catnip toy by the Younger Human's door, and out from under it came this tiny little paw--with claws, no less. Man, it is really little. The paw disappeared, so I stuck my paw under and waited. And waited. And waited.

After a minute or so it jumped on my paw. Tell you what, it took it so long that I kind of forgot why I had my paw under there, and I jumped. The Woman was laughing at me, but hell, she's seen it better than I have and has a better idea of what it might do.

So I went back to playing with my catnip toy. It's this red thing that's supposed to look like a People's candy bar, like I'm stupid enough to believe that. It's fun though, and I was batting it around, and it went up into the air and landed by the door.

And you know what happened? Do you?

It stuck its paw under the door, snagged my catnip toy, and took it!

I kid you not, it had barely hit the ground and that thing reached under the door and stole my freaking toy!

The Woman says if it doesn't sneeze tonight, then I get to meet it tomorrow. I didn't want to meet it, but I think I better so I can get my danged toy back!

May 24, 2005

The Woman wants people to know that Blogger is having "issues" and is puking all over the place. They were supposed to have it cleaned up this afternoon, but obviously they're still too busy hacking their toenails up to grab a mop. Her blog is not gone, just...not here right now. And she is not happy...
One way or another, I have to get into the Younger Human's bedroom. I know what he has in there, and I even caught a glimpse of it when he was coming out of his room last night, but I still want to get in and see for myself.

So for the most part, when I can hear it moving around in there, I camp out by the door, hoping for a chance to sneak in.

The Woman has done a good job of not going in there and getting that kitty funk all over her, it's mostly the Younger Human and the Man, but last night she went in and stayed in there for like 50 hours. I know it was that long beause I counted, 1-2-3...all the way past 50. And when she came out, she said that I wasn't allowed in there, because "Buddah" has a cold and she doesn't want me to catch it.

Well, fine. At least she doesn't want me to get a head full of snot that I could choke to death on. But she gave it medicine to keep it from choking to death on its own snot, and I dont think I find that acceptable.

And then she said that in a day or two, I'll get to meet Buddah.

I never said I wanted to meet it. I just want to get in there and see for myself, more than just a little glimpse. As far as I can tell, it's an awfully smally kitty, and all black. I think all I have to do is sit on it, and I'll win.

That's a dog's name.
Oh, and that chubby bald guy that the Woman collects figures of.

I'm going to get in that room, I swear...

May 22, 2005

Ok, People, I know what was in that box that you had in your hands when you rushed out the door, being all weirded out about it sneezing and having foot long boogers. What I don't get is why you brought it BACK. And I also heard it having fun in the Younger Human's room. You bought it toys, didn't you? You bought it a shiny, tinkling little ball, so that it could be in there, making happy noises with MY Younger Human, while I'm on the other side of the door with nothing.

Oh, I bet you didn't even think of that, did you? That maybe I might like a new toy?

And what's with the pink stuff in the fridge? I don't get any of that either, do I? It gets that treat three times a day! I heard you say so.

Oh holy Pope on a pogo stick. You gave it some of MY toys, didn't you???

The last human to fall asleep tonight is going to enjoy some toothy Max fun. I swear.

May 21, 2005


The Younger Human is cheating on me, I know it! I can smell kitty coming from his room! All the People went somewhere this morning, and when they got back he went right to his room and shut the door, and I've been smelling kitty ever since!

If they think they're replacing me... Well, I'm not going without a fight, that's all I'm sayin'. My house, my People, my Younger Human.

What are they thinking????

May 20, 2005

Wow. The Younger Human didn't come back inside until after I had my breakfast this morning. The People really should have let him back in sooner, because he didn't look so hot. He acts like whatever he was doing outside all night was fun, though, so I suppose it's all right.

I wonder if that girl kitty was outside, too. She still wants me. Wait, I think maybe she was! And think the Younger Human got her name. It's Espeeceeay, I think. It has to be, because he mentioned something about a girl kitty and Espeeceeay. But she might not be a nice girl kitty, because he also said something about having to give her $125.

What could she have that's worth $125???

May 19, 2005

This is the Younger Human. The one who brought me home so that the People could be my staff. Some of his friends had me first, but they couldn't really afford to take care of me. Like, no Stinky Goodness. So he told them his People could buy me Stinky Goodness, and they decided that would be better for me, and let him bring me home.

He's good People.


Today the People left the house this afternoon because the Younger human had to graduate. I'm not exactly sure what that is, other than it makes the People very happy (I think what the Woman squealed was no more tuition!) and it makes the Younger Human quite happy, too. So happy he is not coming home tonight. I don't think he realizes it, but the food is here, and so is his warm bed. Evidently when one graduates, one has to stay outside all night.

Now, I don't begrudge him getting to graduate, but it meant that my dinner, my wonderful Stinky Goodness, was two hours late!


Surely he could have done this graduating a little earlier in the day, when it wouldn't interfere with my feeding schedule.



Oh, and congratulations to the Younger Human, even though my dinner was late.

May 18, 2005

We've discussed this before. Yes, there is a reason that the book/magazine/newspaper that you left in the bathroom is in my litterbox.

Sometimes dropping that 7 pounder takes a little time, and just like you, I like to read to pass the time away.

It's either that, or I start grabbing things out of the trash and shred them while I'm otherwise occupied. I don't mind doing that, you know. There are some very shredable things in the trash, things that make wonderful and creative decorations.

Magazines in the box, or Devine Feline Design. Your choice.

May 17, 2005

The Man goes to pass gas at night now. I'm still trying to figure out the value in having him go someplace else to do this, other than the fact that it spares the rest of us the end result of his gaseous anomalies, but it must be important to someone if they want him to come do it at night, too.

There's an important benefit to him wandering off all night: he comes home just before it's time for my morning Stinky Goodness, which means I don't have to work so hard to get the Woman up to get it for me. She gets to sleep, I get to eat, and everyone is happy.

Mostly happy.

I worry that without my morning wake up call the Woman will sleep all day, or worse, she'll forget how to open a can of Stinky Goodness. If there's ever a time the Man isn't here to do it, and she forgets, I'm hosed. It's not like it couldn't happen: the Woman seems to forget things a lot. Like last week, she forgot to shoot up take one of her medications for a couple of days. Sometimes she goes through the house looking for things because she forgot where she put them (she could ask me, but since she doesn't, I'm not volunteering the information.)

So I'm thinking that even though the Man is feeding me in the morning, I should go sing to the Woman and climb all over her head, anyway. Just so she doesn't sleep the rest of her life away. And so she gets up and watches the Man open a can every now and then, to keep the image in her head.

I'm just being considerate.

May 16, 2005


Obviously, I am not dead. They tried hard, but it didn't quite turn out the way they planned. I had to dig down deep and do some pretty mean things, but it meant that I came out on top.

The People started off by grabbing me and shoving that horrible stick in my mouth and rubbing it all over my teeth. Then they shoved me into the plastic tomb and took me outside. It's all bright and hot outside, and I did not want to go, but I stayed calm and quiet, looking for a way out. They're People, afer all, not the brightest bulbs in the species pack. There's always a way around what People want.

Well. They took me to this place that smells like the little pads the Woman rubs on her arm before she shoots up takes one of her "medications," and somewhere in the back there was a yappy little dog just screaming to be saved. The lady at the desk said it was just a dog that wanted to go home. Well, yeah. Of course he wanted to go home! His People dropped him off in a stinky pace and left him! How freaking mean is that???

That's when knew it was serious.

They took me into this room and took me out of the plastic tomb, and some guy with no hair came in. Dr. Stoner. Yeah, I don't think I need to ask how he got that name... He started poking at me and he looked into my ears, but when he yanked on one of my legs, that's when I let him have it. Yep, I hissed at him as hard as I could and took a swipe with my paw--I let him know who was really in charge.

The Man tried to touch me to make me feel better, so I let him have it, too.

That's when the bald guy went out of the room. I thought it was over, but no...he came back with a towel and freaking covered me with it and took me into another room! I figured that was it, they were covering my face so I couldn't see it when they shot me, but he pulled a fast one. He didn't shoot me after all.

No, the SOB stabbed me! Right around my shoulders! I couldn't even look to see it coming. It was like =blink= and STAB.

But that was it. He stabbed me, and when I didn't die, he wrapped the towel around me a little more and took me back to the People, who acted like they were sorry.

Phhft. Right. Sorry my ass.

While they stood there and talked to the bald guy the Woman tried to pet me, and you know what I did? Do you?

I hissed at her and then I bit her! Right on her thumb! I just snagged it with my long tooth, but it was enough to let her know I wasn't taking any more of this crap. She knew right then and there I expected to be put back into the plastic tomb and taken home.

So she did. She put me back and took me home, where she gave me some crunchy treats and told me that even though I wasn't a "good boy" she understood. Well she better understand! I got stabbed! I deserved those treats even though I bit her.

My only disappointment was that I didn't get to bite Dr. Stoner.

That wasn't for lack of trying.

I win!

May 15, 2005

First she says they're gonna shoot me.
And they're gonna replace me.

So what does she do last night? She gives me a bite of steak! And not the crappy part with the vein of fat so thick you have to chew for 15 hours before spitting it out; she gave me a bite of nice, juicy tender meat, perfectly grilled, cut up into tiny kitty-mouth sized pieces.

I had a major "WTF?" moment, but decided not to think about it too much.

Then later I jumped up onto her lap, figuring I need to do some major sucking up at this point to avoid being turned into kitty cacchitore. I nuzzled against her face (good god, someone tell this Woman to brush her teeth once in a while!) and purred a lot; she petted me and said what a good boy I am.

Really now.

If I'm such hot shit, why is she taking me out to get shot? Why is she getting a new kitty? Oh, and it has to be a girl kitty she says. Franky, I'm surprised at that, because I figured she'd want to rip some other kitty's gonads off, too.

I wanted to turn around and bite the living crap out of her, but again, I think I have to suck up. Suck up until my tail inverts. So I didn't bite, and this morning I didn't whine in her ear.

But don't think I'm not keeping a mental list of all the things I want to do to these People if I survive next week. Once I get them to forget about venting their murderous ways upon my beautiful feline body, the pooping upon pillows, barfing of hairballs, and biting at random intervals shall commence.

May 14, 2005

I do need new People, I do!!!

I overheard the Woman telling the Younger Human that in a couple of days they're going to take me somewhere and I'm gonna get shot! I shit you not, she said, "He is going to be so pissed off. That shot is going to kill him!"

The whining couldn't have been that bad...

And...and...and... I heard them talking about getting a new cat. They're going to replace me after I get shot!

Auntie Cookie, you have to come get me before I'm nothing but a splotch on the landscape of life!
It's the freaking Motherload. I have hit the Motherload Of Annoying The Living Crap Out Of The Woman, and it's so easy.


She can't stand whining. She hates it in little kids, she hated it when the dog did it, and now she hates it when I do it. And I do it with flair. I do it so well that it's going to drive her up three walls and to the bottle.

Yesterday she described it as being a cross between a moan, a trill, and a diesel horn. That latter part is probaby because I stick my face right next to her ear while she's sleeping before I start. She freaking hates that! And if she rolls over, I just climb over her head and do it from the other side of the bed.

It doesn't get her out of bed any earlier (because she's stubborn and thinks she can convince me to stop doing it if it means getting fed later. Phffft. She should stop thinking before she hurts herself) but it is so much fun.

The staying in bed isn't going to work for her, because my whining right into her ear is working just fine for me.

It ticks her off, and that amuses me.

May 13, 2005

All righty.

One of the easiest ways to tick the Woman off is to hog the computer when she wants to get on, so I figured, Hey! Good time to change the blog template! I liked the red one, but since the Woman revamped hers, I decided I wanted something new, too.


You're not required to like t. In fact, if you prefer the red one, I'd like to know. I'll probably just point and laugh at you, but I'd like to know.

May 12, 2005

Fifteen minutes.

They were fifteen minutes late today. I don't know where it is they go all freaking day long, but you'd think they could at least try to be home in time for my dinner. You can bet they wouldn't miss their dinner. Just look at them, you'll agree.

I was so upset that after I ate my Stink Goodness (tuna) I stood in the hallway and yelled at them. Specifically, at her. "Woman," I hollered, "you'd better get off your butt and get in the bathroom and clean out my litterbox. If you know what's good for you, you'll do it now."

Well, she knows what's good for her because she got up and changed the litter. I would have had to get all bitey on her if she hadn't. Because, you know, she deserves that after the last three days.

I think I need new People...

May 11, 2005

Oh. Just. Son of a. You, just... AHHHGGG!

It was bad enough that they were late with my dinner yesterday. But they did it again today! They left during the afternoon and when dinner time rolled around there were no opposable thumbs available to get the Stinky Goodness from the container on the counter to to emptiness of my plate.

If the Younger Human and his Much Better Smelling Friend hadn't shown up when they did, I probably would have DIED right there in the comfy chair in the living room. I was already getting a little dizzy when he came home, but luckily he knows where the People keep my food container and he got it for me.

But holy crap! What is wrong with the People? My dinner was 45 minutes late! Oh, when they came home they were all "I'm so sorry," but I really think only the Man was sorry. He brought some fresh live dead fish for me to have as a snack. The Woman? Phffft. All she did was run for the bathroom the second she got home.

Like, what's more important? Peeing or ME???

May 10, 2005

As if I wasn't at home, waiting and starving to death, the People were out all day and got home over an HOUR past dinner time. And then they walked in like there was nothing wrong and my tummy wasn't eating itself from the inside out.

To make things worse, they didn't leave any of the good windows open for me to look out of. No, it doesn't matter that my Great Scenery consists of some bushes; I want the windows open so I can look outside and see something different. And maybe that girl kitty will come back to see me. She gets behind the bushes so she can get close to the window, and sometimes she stands on her back legs to get a better look.

So I spent all day alone, cut off from seeing anything worthwhile plus I was about 2 minutes away from starving to death. If they hadn't come home when they did, I would have been forced to eat the dry crap they leave out. And then I would have had to poop on someone's pillow.

I still might. That'll teach 'em.

May 09, 2005

Not to get all Chicken Little on you, but I swear, the sky was falling today, just a little bit. First it rained, and then all the sudden I heard this ping-ping-ping outside the window, and when I went to look, there were all these tiny round white things bouncing off the ugly box that sits outside the bedroom window.

I looked up at the next building and there were hundreds of them bouncing off the roof.

The Woman looked outside too and said it was Hell, but I don't think so. It had to be coming from the other direction, so I can only conclude that yes, the sky was falling.

It stopped, so I think were okay for now, but I'm keeping an eye out. We might all have to go hide in the bathroom, where there are no windows and we're safe from random acts of sky falling about.

May 08, 2005

Yeah, that was me running down the hall like my ass was on fire this morning. And yeah, that was me hollering my freaking head off. And sure, I threw all my body weight against the bedroom door to get it open.


It was not my fault the Woman was still asleep. I felt the need to run down the hall while shouting. And the door was mostly closed, so I needed to thunk against it with full force to pop it open. What's the problem?

Oh, and no matter what the Woman said in her blog yesterday, I wasn't stuck on top of the bathroom door. I was balancing there. Is there something wrong with a kitty blancing on top of the bathroom door?

I think she was just jealous, because she'd never fit up there.

May 07, 2005

I don't know where the heck the Man was all night long--I just know it wasn't here--but when he came home this morning he fed me some really nice Stinky Goodness, and then went into his computer room and closed the door. I think whatever he did all night long made him very, very tired, and he wanted to sleep in there.

Well, fine...but I didn't want to be alone after having been alone all night while the Woman slept (there was that time when the Younger Human wandered in in the middle of the night, but still. I was alone all night) so I started talking to him through the door. I just wanted him to stay up for a little while.

The Woman heard me and got up, so I was thinking "Yeah! Someone will be awake to talk to!" but you know what she did? Do you?

She picked me up, took me into the bedroom, and locked me in there with her! And she went back to bed!

I wasn't about to let that stop me. I wanted to talk, so talk I did. I sat at the head of the bed near her pillow, and told her all about my night, how quiet it was in here and how the Younger Human wouldn't give me any Stinky Goodness when he came home; he just went to bed. Then I told her about the Man dragging his sorry ass in this morning, and I told her in great detail.

She rolled over and tried to ignore me, but I just stepped over her and went to the other side of the bed, where I could see her face while I talked.

Then I could hear that girl kitty outside the window; the blinds were down so I coudn't see her, but I could hear her so I was pretty sure she could hear me, too, so I started talking to her through the window. I had to speak up to be sure my voice would carry through the blinds and the glass, but I don't think the Woman appreciated that.

She rolled back over and snipped, "Dammit, Max, I'm trying to sleep!"

Well *I* wasn't stopping her. I was talking to the girl kitty, and she wants me.

It didn't take long for the Woman to say some not so nice words and then get up; she opened the window for me, so I could talk to the other kitty, and went into the litterbox room. When she came back I was in my bed, curled up and ready for my nap.

She said some more not so nice things, but what the hell does she expect? I worked hard to get her up, and I was tired!

Maybe she should go back to bed, too. One of us needs our beauty sleep, and it's sure not me.

May 06, 2005

Yesterday's post, as translated by Gizoogle:

I think there's a new K-I-Double-Tizzy upstairs. I thought i told ya, I'm a soldier. I can hizzle it rapping sometizzles I can't hear it clearly enough ta understand what it's say'n, but I can hear it.

The Woman thinks I'm listen'n ta tha voices in mah heezee, but it's up there, I tiznell you!

I'd like ta find a way up there so I can pizzle wit it, or sit on it n bite it if it's not a funky ass kitty, but I cizzan't figure out how ta git up there. In tha old place there were stairs that wiznent up so I could git there. Here, chillin' in tha hood.

I need explosives...

Yo. Git down wit'cher fuzzy k-i-double-tizzy self!

May 05, 2005

I think there's a new kitty upstairs. I can hear it talking sometimes; I can't hear it clearly enough to understand what it's saying, but I can hear it.

The Woman thinks I'm listening to the voices in my head, but it's up there, I tell you!

I'd like to find a way up there so I can play with it, or sit on it and bite it if it's not a nice kitty, but I can't figure out how to get up there. In the old place there were stairs that went up so I could get there. Here, nothing.

I need explosives...

May 03, 2005

Please turn the computer on so I can blog...please???
I have sharp teeth, remember that.
Took you long enough.

May 02, 2005

The place where most of my images are stored expired. The Woman is working on it, but it might be a day or two until my blog is its normal spiffy self. Boy, the Woman is not happy about all this, either... She's muttering things like "they could have at least sent me a ^%$#!(* renewal notice" and "ALL my crap was sotred there!"

So today's plan is to stay the heck out of her way...

May 01, 2005

The People are playing some blog game of tag, and evidently they want me to play. So I'm amusing them and playing.

What follows is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

And the list is:

If I could be a scientist... If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician... If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter... If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary... If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect... If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist... If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete... If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper... If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer... If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider... If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper... If I could be a proctologist...
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host... If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge... If I could be a Jedi...
If I could be a mob boss... If I could be a backup singer...
If I could be a CEO... If I could be a movie reviewer...
If I could be a monkey's uncle... If I could be a CSI...
If I could be a contortionist... If I could be a TV preacher...


If I could be a psychologist, I'd finally FIX all you People! Really. You need fixing!

If I could be a contortionist; I am one. See? I can lick my goodies, and you can just sit there and watch, ever jealous of my flexibility.

If I could be an athlete, I'd be on TV where the whole world can enjoy and worship the sleek back and whiteness of Max, performing stuning feats for your amazement.

If I could be a farmer, I would grow the World's Finest Catnip, and we'd all be happy as chit. And hungry. I'd better grow crunchy treats and Cheetos while I'm at it.

If I could be a lawyer, I'd sue the Peoples' sorry asses for undue stress caused by moving and for starving me by not giving me Stinky Goodness on demand. I'd make sure I not only own them, but everything that they think is theirs.

I'm tagging The Man, you, and you.

You can let me know who you are, if you want to play.