May 30, 2013

We get the Grandma again!

I know it's for a sucky reason, but tomorrow the Man and the Woman are getting into a giant lipstick tube and going to Texas for the Other Grandma's funeral, so the Grandma is going to come feed Buddah and me. So that's a bright point in the silver lining.

If you have questions for Ask Max Monday, go ahead and either ask them in the comment section at my column on mousebreath, or email them to'll still be able to get my column done. The Woman is taking a computer and I can find a way to get her to help me get my work done. And she's coming back on Sunday, anyway, so there will be plenty of time to get it done.

Oh, and look at this!

Since I peed on his other ones, I had to buy Buddah a new toy, and it got here already. He likes it a lot, so I'll refrain from destroying it. For a while.

May 28, 2013

I want a do-over for today

Today was just awful, and I want to re-do it but with it being a whole lot better.

Most of y'all know by now that Skeezix's post-surgical news is not good. His body is riddled with cancer; the Food Lady and Mr. Tasty Face took him home afterwards, and they'll cater to his every whim for as long as he has left. It could be a short time, it could be a while.

While I was waiting to hear how Skeez was doing, the Woman got the news that her mom died. She was the Other Grandma, the one I never got to meet. But I know she still loved me even though she never met me, because she always asked about me and laughed at Max-stories.

So today has really bit the big one. And I need to go sit on the Woman's lap to make her feel better, but she's not being cooperative. 

May 27, 2013

Muster Up Your Mojo, Please.

Doods, this is my bud, Skeezix

I love Skeezix. He's smart, he's funny, he's got huge muscles, and chicks dig him. He's also handsome and very sweet, and as you can tell from his picture, he thinks deep thinks.

Tomorrow morning, on the 28th, Skeezix will be at the stabby place, getting exploratory surgery because he has a tumor in his belly. Guys, I really, really, really want Skeez to be okay. I have this giant tummy ache just thinking about his having to go through this, and I don't want to think about anything bad happening. I don't want the tumor to be anything more than like the Woman's brain zit.

So please send a frak-ton of mojo and good wishes to Skeezix and his Food Lady and Mr. Tasty Face. As badly as I want Skeezix to be all right, they want it even more. They really need him to be all right.

I'll beg if I have to.

Skeezy, my man, you have 100% of my Mojo right now. Please be well.

May 25, 2013


Lady, you were gone all day. You came home smelling like another kitty. You didn't bring me anything, even though I know you and DKM went shopping. And you really expect me to be all oooh I'mma gonna sit on your lap?


Bring me some crunchy treats, and maybe we'll talk.

May 24, 2013

Okay, this one feels like me...

It's dark. Like my soul.

And the eyes are back. They had to be squished to fit the template, but once again I'm giving you the evil eye.

If you scroll down you'll see that pictures don't quite fit, but when I upload new ones they will. If you have a burning desire to see the entirety of a picture already here that only half which of is showing, just click on it. It'll biggify for you.

And now I have to go to bed...I need rest, because I have to make sure the Woman gets out of bed before noon tomorrow. She's going into SF with DKM, and I think she's going to buy me things, so I want to make sure she's awake bright and early.

I am so helpful.

May 22, 2013

Apparently saying "sorry" isn't enough...

Ok, so a few days ago I peed in a box in the living room, because the litter box was not in pristine enough condition to suit my needs.

In that box were three of Buddah's toys. One happened to be his favorite toy.

So...the Woman said I had to replace it. With my own money! Now, I told Buddah I was sorry. I didn't pee on his toys on purpose; they were just there, and I really needed to use that box. He understood, and it didn't seem to bother him. But no, I have to buy him a new toy.

Ok, so I got online and found where Santa bought it from.

And they're out of stock.

So now I have to check like every day, because if I don't buy him a new toy I will never hear the end of it.

In other news, while I like this new template, it doesn't feel like me. It needs a little sump'in-sump' soon as I figure out what that is, it may change again.

May 20, 2013

Bear with me, doods...

We're changing the template might change a lot tonight. Or it might not change much at all, of we can figure out why the date isn't showing. In any case, we're trying to spiffy the place up for those who don't read the blog via a reader. I'd like it to look classy, but seeing the help I have...not holding my breath.


Ok, doods, Blog Paws was this past weekend, and I was up for Best Meow Blog.

No, I did not win. But that's okay because


And since mousebreath! is like one of the best things on the Internet, we all need to do the Snoopy dance!

May 19, 2013

Hmm. She might be Psychic.

Ok, I admit it. There was a box in the living room that had 3 of Buddah's toys in it, and I peed in it this morning.


But in my defense, the litter box was unacceptable, so I found the next appropriate thing. I could have whizzed on the bed, or in someone's shoes, or the laundry basket, but I picked a box.

It's not my fault Buddah left his toys in there.

The Woman was not happy. She was not happy enough that I went to bed and curled up, lest I have to listen to "That was not nice" one more time.

I wish mine was red. But it's blue.
A little while ago, though, she woke me up and said she had something I might want to use first, and then she picked me up and carried me to the litter box room, and doods, there was a brand new box in there.

And I got to christen it first.

But the freaky thing is that she knew I had to pee.

How the heck did she know???

May 16, 2013

Damn Humans


First she squeezed me.


And tonight? Tonight she made herself a waffle, and it smelled awesome, with all the butter and stuff, but would she let me have a taste?


I asked nicely and everything. I even repeated myself 52 times to make sure she understood that I wasn't begging, but that I would like just the tiniest of tastes, because I've never had a waffle.


Doods, I felt like Miles Meezer, not getting the deserved French Toast. WHICH I HAVE ALSO NOT TASTED.

I hope she remembers this at 3 in the morning, because that's when I am filing my Official Complaint.

In triplicate.

200 times.

May 12, 2013

Man, I just dunno...

This guy...I really like this guy. He totally gets me, even though he doesn't know me. And if you don't know who he is, well, I am so sorry.

(Psst...that's Jackson Galaxy; he speaks cat. And he rocks.)

Every week, the Woman records My Cat From Hell, and we watch it together the next evening. I sit on her lap and root for the kitties, and she sits there and grumbles at the people. Well, not all the people. Just the clueless ones.

I've mentioned it before, but she's kind of a pain after she watches it because she spends the next hour chasing me around the house saying carp like Let me love you, kitty cat! and it's a royal pain the the tuckus.

But tonight? Man...we got a couple weeks behind and just watched the episode where this cute little girl kitty was totally being bullied by a boy kitty named Buddy. It wasn't really Buddy's fault; his person was a total doosh, and Buddy had to have taken his bully cues from the doosh.

Well, this just got the woman all riled up and she was hissing some not so nice things at the TV, and doods, she was all YAY when the girl kitty's person split from the boy kitty's doosh. But that wasn't even the worst of it.

Holy cripes, she felt so bad and then so good for the girl kitty that SHE SQUEEZED ME! She'd been petting me all nice and then WHAM.


It's not like she squeezed me hard. It was just undignified. And doods, no one should be undignified when the great Jackson Galaxy is in their living room, even if he is just on the TV.

I am so humiliated.

May 08, 2013

Oddz N Endz N Endz N Oddz

One of the ones I'm not allowed to use
I really didn't mean to go 5 whole days without blogging anything but real life stuff got in the way. Plus, the Woman was not forthcoming with the laptop. And she won't let me use the ginormous iMac or her MacAir because "those aren't toys and aren't for kitties." Well, duh. The laptop's not technically a toy, either, but I need it to write my mousebreath column and my blog and my books.

Well, I got fed up with her hogging it--because she CAN use the other computers--so I did what any respectable cat would do. I unplugged the cord from the power supply thingy, and a couple hours later the laptop just turned itself off, and she was all "well, hell, my computer just croaked."

She wasn't as upset about it as I thought she would be; I mean, I figured there would be wailing and crying and gnashing of teeth and some I DON'T WANT TO BUY A NEW ONE RIGHT NOW but she was just, "Hmm." She whined about it on FB using her phone, but that was it.

That was really disappointing. And even moreso when it occurred to her a little while later to check the power supply. She plugged it back it and started hogging it all over again.

But aside from that, there's been writing going on. Like my column and we're starting a new book. We haven't gotten very far, but we've started. And Buddah will probably get to write a chapter or two; I asked on Facebook and tons of people said they would like it if he did.

And that's not a figurative tons. I figure if I piled all those people and kitties on an industrial scale, I'd get a good 2 tons out if it. Maybe just 1.25...depends on whether or not people have peed ahead of time.

Just because I like the sentiment...
And oh! Those boobie pens sold so fast that a lot of people who wanted one did get one so the Man ordered a bunch more stuff to make them and should get it all next week, then he has to actually make them. If the Woman has chores for him or wants to drag him to San Francisco to buy chit for her, that might take a while. The last couple of nights he made a few pens out of wood, because not everyone likes acrylic. Some of them look almost classy.

You know, as classy as people can get. 

May 03, 2013


All right, here's the rule: if a person is having a meal and the kitty is good and does not beg nor get on the table or do anything really obnoxious, the kitty gets a bite. If it's something the kitty cannot have, the kitty gets a crunchy treat. THAT'S THE RULE.

So tonight the Woman had a baked potato. I don't care if she had it for a snack, that's a meal food, which means all rules are in place. I sat there on the floor being VERY GOOD and didn't even meow at her to remind her I was there. I held up my end of the bargain.

So when she finished, I expected a crunchy treat. But doods, not only did I not get a treat, she looked at me and said, "You just ate your gooshy food like five minutes ago."


That's not the point! The point is that I followed the rule! WHERE'S MY CRUNCHY TREAT??!?!!?

May 02, 2013


[next day edit: all the Boobie pens have been sold. The Man ordered the supplies today (5-3-13) to make 15 more and he should get that stuff next week. And I shoulda said before, the only ones he has for sale--any of the pens or letter openers or keychains--are what's already in his store. There's no ordering of large quantities, because each pen is hand-turned and takes 2-3 hours to make. Each one is unique; no two will ever be exactly alike. But once he gets the supplies, he'll make more boobie pens...and those crystals? I did not know before, but they're Swarovsky Crystal, so when you write with your boobie pen, your little finger should be stuck out because that's classy. Anyway, I apologize to the couple of people who wanted a bunch of one pen and/or enough to use as their own fundraisers. These just aren't mass manufactured; they're done one at a time, and take a whole lot of time.]

Okay, they're not made out of actual boobies, but they're FOR boobies. Well, not for boobies to USE or even to be used ON boobies, but they're FOR boobies.


Y'all know the Man likes to hang out in the room where the rumbly bikes sleep, right? He has these machines that he feeds chunks of wood or acrylic into, and he stands there and does things to it, and when he's done he has a pen. He's made a lot of them and sells them because the Woman is all OHMYGAWD HOW MANY PENS DO YOU NEED? Plus it's kind of cool when people go oooh and ahhh over them, because they are kind of spiffy.

He decided that he could be even more useful and made a few pens that are specifically for breast cancer walk fundraisers. If he sells them, he's giving all the money to someone who is doing a walk. Not necessarily the Woman...she's crewing the 3 Day this year and is self funding her Avon Walk, so that means he'll be donating to someone else.

That makes them BOOBIE PENS!

If you want to see them up close, you can look at them RIGHT HERE. If you want to see them in his Etsy shop, you can GO RIGHT THERE. He's got lots of pens there now, and even some keychains and letter openers, and these thingies that help people put bracelets on when there's no one around to lend an extra hand.

Apparently that's an issue. Who knew?

Anyway, the pens are spiffy and shiny, and it gave me another chance to say BOOBIES!!!