January 30, 2013


When the Younger Human shows up, something good always happens.

Today, he came to help the Man put a shed together, and while they taught each other new words for the Bad Word List they got the whole thing put together in about 4 hours.

The Woman? Well, she went to Starbucks to play with Facebook and pretend to work on my book.

But after. That's when the good things happened. They all went out and when they came back?


Real live fresh dead cow, cooked to perfection.

He even had some to take home to that Damned Dog Butters, but I'm fine with that because I GOT MINE FIRST!

AND I still get my Stinky Goodness later.


January 27, 2013

This is how the Woman works. After I've dictated to her everything I want her to type out, she goes to Starbucks, where she plays on Facebook as much as she writes.

But, she's getting her work done, so I can't complain too much.

The editor lady isn't complaining much, either; she's already peeked at the rough draft and said she laughed real laughs and cried real tears, and there's only a few things that need extra attention.

One chapter she says needs to be totally re-written because it's kind of just THERE, and while it's germane to the overall story, it's not especially well written.

The Woman agrees with her. She doesn't think that chapter is very good, either, but it was really mostly notes to remind her what to write about, and she didn't flesh it out very well. But she will.

Now, I was starting to think this book was going by awfully fast, but when I think about it...we started it before the Woman got sick last summer. Heck, we started the note-taking process way back in May. So it's gone a lot slower than I thought.

In any case...the Woman thinks that the editor lady will have the probably-final draft in hand in about a week, if the re-writing of that chapter goes smoothly. And she might have extra time to work this week because the Man is going to be busy putting a shed together (if both boxes it's coming in get here tomorrow...they might only get one) and the Younger Human is coming over to help him on one day.

Doods...that means something good will happen, like STEAK maybe, because something good always happens when he comes over.

I hope it's steak.

January 21, 2013

My downward spiral

But in a good way.

Remember when I was telling you about the Purina Healthy Weight dry food the people bought for us? And how much we liked it and how good it was working?


Since I told you about it on December 9th, I've lost about a half pound more. Now, the people are all Oh, don't lose weight too fast, Big Guy! and they make adjustments to what they give me to make sure I'm eating enough and not dropping too much weight too fast,but since this is really just a bonus--if I hated the food they'd live with me being whatever weight I am--but the best thing?

We're getting extra gooshy food at night just to make sure I don't lose too fast and get too hungry. I have to enjoy that while I can because a some point, if I gain anything, that'll go away. So I'm enjoying the CARP out of that. So we get Purina Pro Plan or Purina One in the morning, some Fancy Feast for dinner, and more Purina Pro Plan or Purina One before the Woman goes to bed.

What the Woman doesn't like? Every night after we eat, we have ourselves a ripping game of THoE combined with TAG YOU'RE IT. She probably wouldn't mind, but I've kind of jumped on her and run across her laptop to get away from Buddah a couple of times. Maybe three. BUT I DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING.

Well, maybe some skin.

But just a teeny tiny bit on her hand.

She didn't even cry, so I know it wasn't a big deal.

If it was...oh well. At least it was only 16 pounds of me instead of 18. She should be grateful for that.

In other news...don't be surprised if the template here changes a few times over the next week or so. I like this one but I think it's a little hard to read on the legal paper background, so I'm looking for something spiffier. Hopefully I won't completely break it...

January 18, 2013

How to get a people's attention

Only maybe not fall off the freaking counter...

In other news...the edits on my book are going pretty quick; it's not a super long book, so that speeds it up a little, but we are finding some chunks that are going to require major rewrites. This isn't surprising, it happens every time. Something that seems really funny the first time around falls flat when read later, or something that made sense really doesn't. There are sections where the Woman wrote stuff like this:


And then we have to sit back and try to figure out what the hell that even meant.

In any case, with the first draft in the can and the first pass of seeing what needs to be fixed, added to, subtracted from, and obliterated, we have a pretty good idea of the tone of the book (you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll tell 900 of your friends) and the Woman has sent a really, really, really rough draft/outline to the editor so she can 1) prepare herself, because she's old and needs prep time, and 2) talk to an art person about conjuring up cover art.

Now, *I* want to be on the cover because this is my book and it's all about me, but the Woman won't commit to that because--she SAYS--I don't pose well for the camera. And what she didn't say...if someone was going to take a bunch of pictures of me it would have to be done here, and that would mean that she has to clean the house, and the odds of that happening are slim to holy-hell-no.

Lazy, lazy, lazy.

And you're still watching that kitty slide off the counter, aren't you?

January 12, 2013

It's getting hot in here

This has been on since late this afternoon.

Now, I'm not complaining because this is one of my favorite things ever, but usually it doesn't come on until after the people have had dinner.

Lately it's been on a lot more than it used to because they realized I was cold, but today it went on because the Woman was cold.

Fine by me.

I am nice and toasty now, and not going anywhere. Not until she turns it off, and I don't think that'll happen until she heads for bed.

Tonight, it's good to be me.

January 11, 2013

"Hey, Buddy..."

That's what I'm hearing a lot lately.

Hey Buddy.

Do I look like a Buddy to you?

I don't think so. I look like a Max. But every day now, at least 5 times a day, I hear, "Hey, Buddy" or "Hi, Buddy" or "Hungry, Buddy?"

This morning I jumped up onto the bed to wake the Woman  up, and when she opened her eyes... "'Morning, Buddy."

I was fine with being called "Big Guy." Even okay with "Mister Max." I can stomach it when she calls Buddah "Sweety" or "Sweetypie." Even "Little Man."

But Buddy is crossing the line.

So when she called me that this morning, I nibbled on her hand. Because, you know...I HAVE A NAME.

And I think I'm going to ignore her every time she calls me that from now on.

Unless food is involved.


January 09, 2013

Those who came before me

Well, and were here with me. Dusty is the Cat Who Came Before Me, and Hank was there when the Younger Human brought me home. I kept hearing about how they really liked each other, but I didn't really believe it until I saw this:

It's not even the only picture of them sharing the same bed. There are lots! I guess she used to groom him, too, licking his face a lot. I liked Hank, but I never got that close to him.

Dusty got to go outside a lot. She couldn't jump, and she didn't try to run, so the people took her outside and stayed right there with her so she could sniff all the sniffs.

I wonder what she was hearing in there.

I just like this picture:

Dusty was pretty awesome from what I hear. I like how she posed. I guess she didn't mind the camera.

Now Hank...

I think he was a little fed up with all the clicking in his face.

I know how he felt...

January 07, 2013

I'm considerate, dammit!

Look, I'm a nice guy. I understand that people have to flop down onto the big bed at night and sleep more hours in a row than make sense, but once in a while I have whims that need catering to in the middle of the night.

Like last night. I was hungry. Really hungry. The kind of hungry where the dry crunchy food just wasn't going to do. I needed stinky goodness, and lacking thumbs, I needed a person to open a can for me.

Her view might have been something like this
Now, only one person was home, and she was sound asleep. So I jumped up onto the bed and sat next to her head, and asked her--very nicely--if she would get up and get me something to eat.

"Max. Let me sleep."

Okay, fine, I grasp that sometimes people need "just five more minutes," so I sat there patiently and in five minutes, I asked again.

Doods, she rolled over.

So I gave her another five minutes.

"Max, it's five fifteen in the freaking morning!"

Well, yeah. Morning being the operative word there, sunshine. So I gave her another five minutes, but guys, she laid there not sleeping instead of getting up to feed me. I gave her five minutes after five minutes after five minutes, until the Man came home two hours later. I jumped off the bed and went out into the living room, because him being home meant that food was forthcoming.

But you know what happened?


What the hell, doods? If she was going to do that, why didn't she just get up when I first asked? She could have gone back to bed. But no, she had to get up and tell the Man I woke her up at five in the morning and I wouldn't shut up so she couldn't get back to sleep.

Well. That's her fault.

The Man fed us, and then took the Woman out to get breakfast at Denny's, but then they came home and she went back to bed.

I jumped up on the bed and was very quiet, because after eating I like to take a nice long nap. But dangit, she was all tossing and turning and she never did go back to sleep. And since she was all floppy, I didn't get much sleep, either.

Sometimes, I just can't believe how inconsiderate people can be.

January 06, 2013

First draft is in the can...so to speak

Yep, the first draft of my next book is done. Now, the Woman thinks there will be about 127 more drafts until it's DONE done, but we're getting there.

Working on this one has been fun. I tell her exactly what to write, and then she goes over to Starbucks and types it out. I think she likes going over there because they have donuts. She says she's never had one of their donuts, but I'm not sure I should believe that.

Man. Now I want a donut.

In any case, she wants to be be DONE done by summer. That means the last draft really needs to be done by spring, so the editor can go over it, and that woman? Holy carp, she's mean... She makes people cry, but since I don't have to deal with her, that's all right. She can make the Woman cry.

I'll try to take video.

January 04, 2013

What a way to start 2013!

Doods. I started out this year in the most awesome way.

I stood in the entry to the giant litter box room, where the Woman needed to go, and while she stood there asking me to please step aside, I barfed all over her feet. And it was one of those surprise barfs; I didn’t realize I was going to; she didn’t realize I was going to. There was no early warning horking sounds. One second I was sitting there, the next I splattered her bare feet with clumps of fur and all te water I had consumed about 3 minutes before.

Now, I was fine, really. It was just a little fur and some water. No chunks of food, nothing else. But when you hork on a person, their first impulse is to make sure you’re all right. And then they watch you the rest of the day, like they expect you to do some weird little trick, like explode into a ball of fur, guts, and Fancy Feast.

Getting chin skritches
The Woman wasn’t sure I felt well, so she was nice to be. When she was sitting in her chair watching TV, she set her laptop computer aside so that I could curl up in her lap, and she was pretty liberal with the chin skritches. The Man was out at a movie with The Younger Human, so we had all afternoon for me to curl up there and enjoy the attention.

Then the Man got home and she was all, “Oh, there’s something wrong with him. He’s making this weird quivering thing and he’s out of sorts and I THINK HE’S GOT A BRAIN TUMOR!”

Okay, she didn’t say the tumor thing out loud, but I know her. She was thinking it.

The Man decided to test my appetite by getting the crunchy treats out. I’m not foolish. I got up and got the damned treats, and while I was down there she turned the fireplace on.

Pretty soon, the fan in the fireplace kicked on, making hot air flow out and onto the floor, so I plopped down there and soaked up the warms, because doods…that quivering?


Seriously. I wasn’t quivering, I was shivering. And she touched my ears thinking I might have a fever and commented about how cold they were, and that STILL didn’t clue her in. All afternoon, I sat on her lap and she thought it was only for the skritches.

That was only part of it. The other part…I was trying to steal HER warms, but since he’s mostly cold blooded, there weren’t many warms for me to get.

But now…it’s 3 days later, the warm air blowing thingy in the ceiling is spitting out more warms than it was before, and in the evening while she watches TV she turns the fire on even though she’s “uncomfortably” warm.

“I can wear shorts,” she sighed.

The Man…he’s all happy because he’s been walking around here in 27 layers of clothing because he’s been cold, too. Buddah is happy. I’m happy.

She can suck it up.

But…it was a great way to start the year. I barfed on her feet AND guilted her into making the place warmer. 2013 is going to be awesome!

January 02, 2013

Look! The cats are winning!

At least this one is. DOWN WITH THE VISHUS DEER!

I do not want to ever make that kitty mad...

January 01, 2013


Here's to hoping you have enough Motrin on hand.
Or booze.
Hair of the dog, and all that...