February 27, 2014

Cold! Wet! Awesome!

What rain might look like...
The people are all excited because we've had some rain the last couple of days, but this weekend we're supposed to get more of it. Not just rain, but RAIN. Like, more rain in a couple days than we've had in a couple of years.

They're also worried about getting too much rain at once and potential flooding, but mostly, they're excited about it.

You know what I'm excited about?

When it rains, the Woman doesn't like to go running around, taking her laptop to some guy's house named Star Bux. where she does the exact same thing that she does at home: plays on Facebook and reads stuff at FARK and reddit. Or wait, Star might be a woman. I think she was on some TV show the people used to watch, the one that had walking toasters and and a dood named Uhpaulo. So I can see why she'd go hang there, because that lady was totally badass.

But when she stays at home and it's cold and rainy, it means I have a lap and I have the fireplace thingy going, and if I play my cards right I do the sleepy yawn thing and lead her into the kitchen where I get crunchy treats.

AND I looked in the fridge and she bought a lot of meaty things to make for dinner this weekend, so I'll probably score some real live fresh dead meatloaf, chicken, and porkchop. At least I think the one thing was porkchop. If not, there's something real live real dead sitting in there, and it's not appetizing.

I might have to let her sleep a little extra tonight, just to be sure she's not too sleepy to cook all that stuff for me.

February 24, 2014


Okay, so lately it's been warm enough during the day to have the front door open so that we can get some fresh air. I do enjoy this, and if there's a breeze I'll even stretch out on the floor there.

But after it gets dark, it gets chilly. So before the Woman goes to bed, she turns the heat on.

Except last night.

No, last night SHE was not chilly so she went to bed and didn't think about the kitties who were not burrowed under heavy blankets. Kitties who do not have hot flashes all night long. No, she didn't think of the kitties at all.

This morning when the Man came home from passing gas, as soon as he walked in he declared it to be Too Cold and HE turned the heat on. And then doods, he had to do it. He had to do the unimaginable.

It was kinda like this...
He had to chip icicles off my useless nipples.

And I have a lot of nipples!

This is not an experience I would choose to repeat. Luckily, he'll be home tonight so the heat will get turned back on before the last person goes to bed.

I really need to work on figuring out the right angle I need to press the switch that turns the fireplace on.

February 22, 2014


All right, so I heard the Woman coming down the hall and figured she was going into the giant litterbox room, and when she goes in there I can get some prime tummy rubbing time. It's pretty much perfect; she sits there and I flop down at her feet, roll over, and she'll rub my tummy right where I want her to, and only for a minute or so which is all I want. If she touches a place on my tummy I don't want her to, all I have to do is set my teeth on her hand--I don't don't bite down because I'm neither as crude nor mean as Buddah--and she moves.

I get tummy rubs, there's a time limit, we both leave the room happy.

But today she decided that while she was in there she needed to wash her hair. I don't disagree with this; as short as hers is it still does these funky WTF things where things stick out in opposing directions, kind of like a drunk frat boy at a party where there are girl he thinks he's impressing but really is only convincing them that birth control is a very good idea.

Now, other than the fact that I am ready to leave the room when she does this, I don't mind being captive during the washing of the hair. I like to sit on the throne (she keeps the lid closed out of habit...which started when the little crackhead came to live with us, out of worry he would jump in and drown himself, which I am sure he would have) and watch the water swirl in the bathtub before it goes down the drain.

Well...her giant head was in the way (she kneels on the floor and leans over the tub to accomplish the hair washing) and I couldn't see, so I decided I needed to get closer. If I could look over her shoulder, I could watch the water swirl.

So I jumped onto her back.

I did have a terrific view of the water, but she started laughing, which made her whole back jiggle, and that was a lot like trying to sit on jello.

So I laid down, my belly to her back, so I wouldn't fall off.

And she just kept laughing, like it was odd or something. How else did she expect me to be able to watch the swirlies?

Anyway, I finally had to just get off and try to watch from the throne again, because she warned me she was sticking her head under the faucet and I might get wet if I stayed there. And no one wants a wet Max.

She gets points for not just doing it.

Still, it occurs to me that there needs to be a perch over the tub so I can watch things. A little looking around Amazon, and I see there are these shower bench thingies that would work just fine.

They're meant for old people to sit on while they take a shower.

So she totally needs one anyway.

I just have to figure out a way to get her to buy one. Her birthday isn't for a long time, so I don't want to wait for that. But there has to be a way to convince her she needs this. Because I think she kinda does.

The fact that it works for me, too, is just a bonus.

February 20, 2014

I'm winning the routine change

Steak from a previous night. But it looked like this..

So far, victory is mine.

I've been waking the Woman up at various points during the night--90 minutes after she goes to sleep, 3:30, 6:00--and at first she was resistant, but now when I start singing out she pats the bed and I jump up, and she gives me sleepy head skritches until she falls back asleep, usually with her giant hand making kind of a blanket for me.

Yesterday, she and the Man left the house about an hour before my dinner time and I was worried because they often are late with the noms when they leave like that, but 45 minutes later they were home and they brought some still-warm real live fresh dead cow for me. She even chopped into bite sized pieces and we still got our regular dinner.

Then this evening was I hungry pretty early, like 3 hours early, and at first she just thought I was being a pain in her asterisk with all my meowing and trying to herd her into the kitchen, but when I ramped up the requests and kept trying to get her attention while she cooked up some real live fresh dead chicken for them to have for dinner, she decided that I really was HUNGRY and not just being me. So I got some bites of chicken, and then doods, she went ahead and opened a can for us. 45 minutes early!

Better yet, I heard her tell the Man that it might be a good idea to open another can before he goes to bed at 4 a.m. Now, part of that is she wants to sleep, but part is thinking maybe Buddah stole some of my breakfast (he's been doing that) so I might be in need of noms.

You know, after he feeds us at 4 a.m. I'll have to do the polite thing.

I'll have to wake her up to thank her for having him do that.

I bet I get head skritches, and maybe even body tickles.

February 18, 2014

Dood, I think she said no...

But...okay. I suppose cute gets you the smoochies you want...

February 15, 2014

First I was =ewww=

Earlier today, after the Man got up, I heard the Woman tell him they were eating the brat for dinner. Now, I was half asleep so I was pretty sure I heard her wrong, but I started listening just to be sure.

And yep, she said brat.

Only she got all hoity toity and pronounced it braaawt, like she's the kind of person who drinks with her little finger stuck straight out.

I was a little grossed out, to be honest. I mean, I can live just fine without Buddah around, but to turn him into dinner?


And then I heard her say that if I wanted I could have a little bite.

Doods, I like real live fresh dead things, but I have my limits. Still, when I heard their silverware clink on their plates, I had to go see. You know, in case they were licking fur bits off their knives or out of the pan or something.

I got into the kitchen...and Buddah was sitting there in his box, watching them.

He was fine.

I was only marginally disappointed.

Now, I don't know whose brat they ate, but I gotta tell you, he was tasty...

February 09, 2014

Don't text her again, dood!

Seriously, don't.

Trust me. You'll thank me when you sober up.

February 07, 2014

OhMyCod Just JUMP Already!

Really, I've been watching this dood for like 5 minutes and he Just.Won't.Jump!

* * *

Ok, doods, you know the Younger Human is gonna go freeze his nads off again soon, right? I may mention it once or twice more before it happens. I'm mentioning it now because he's going to give away a spiffy toy called a Fitbit Force, something that people use to see how lazy they are every day.

Apparently a lot of people like to see how lazy they are every day, because stores can't keep this sucker in stock. But the Younger Human has one brand new in the box, and on February 20th someone is going to win it. To win it, you gotta donate to his Polar Plunge thing. It's a win-win all the way around: he raises money for the Special Olympics, there's a prize to be won, AND your donations are tax deductible.

Every $5 gets you a shot at it.

Clicky Here to donate.

* * *

In other news, I heard the People talking about the weather this weekend and it's going to be all rainy and windy. Normally this would not affect me, but doods, I heard the Woman say she's staying home and not going outside because she's 13 kinds of delicate, and she's going to walk on her treadmill.

That sucker is noisy.

My naps are going to be interrupted. 

This weekend is going to suck.

February 06, 2014

New routine working just fine...

I decided to mix it up a little. I've kind of overdone the whole singing in the middle of the night thing, so I decided to just wake the Woman up a lot during the night. Only I'm doing it nicely, so it's taking her a bit to figure out that she's tired for a reason.

Take last night.

She went to bed around 12:30 and was asleep pretty fast. I waited until 2, then jumped up by her head and meowed softly into her ear; she woke up a little, skritched my head, and then rolled over.

That was fine.

At 3:30, I did it again. And again she rubbed my head and behind my ears.

Then at 4:30.

And at 6:30.

And at 7? Well, that's time to get up and feed the kitties. She fought it until 7:13, rolled out of bed and shuffled down the hall to open a can for us, and because she is not a morning person, she went back to bed.

That was fine, too.

But at 8 I wanted to nap in the big comfy bed, so I jumped up by her head and meowed, then plopped down and curled up near her head. And every 5 minutes, I meowed again, until she sighed hard and got up again.

I was nice; I made sure she did everything she's supposed to, followed her into the kitchen to make sure she got a drink, and when she sat down in her chair I told her "See ya, sucker!" and took over the bed.

I've done this just about every night for a week.She's starting to catch on, because I heard her whining to the Man that I keep waking her up, but she also said she can't really get mad because I'm not being a dick about it. I'm just meowing and then curling up by her.

I am so totally winning this. I mean, I don't really know what this is, but I'm winning!