June 30, 2013

Let's talk about laps, shall we?

Yes. Laps.

Peoples' legs as they sit, bent in such a way as to allow a kitty to rest upon them. Laps are a cat's right, I think, someplace warm to curl up, where the occasional head and chin skritch is offered, sometimes almost mindlessly.

Oftentimes, I'll get the itch to sit in a lap, but there's already a computer perched upon it. I find that annoying, but I've learned to work around it. I butt my way in, making the Woman slide it down to her knees, and I lie across her legs, using the arm of the chair as a pillow. She gets to keep surfing reddit and Fark, and I get my lap.

It's not always ideal, but it's fair. And on chilly evenings, the heat of the computer creates a nice, warm pocket of air between it and herself, which can be comfy.

But now? Now it's hot outside; while it's cool inside, the Woman finds herself more comfortable in shorts than in pants, and much of the time the shorts she wears around the house are thin and inadequate. They're skin tight, made out of stretchy stuff, and it's like she's not wearing anything at all.

I don't like this.

Curling up on a naked lap is just too squishy. I want a significant barrier between my paws and the Woman's flesh. I don't want to jump up there and feel like I'm trying to balance on Jello; she knows this, she understand this, but does she get up and put some damn pants on?

No. She does not.

She just tells me to either suck it up or get off.

Earlier today, she sat here with the TV on for noise while she read a book, and I wanted a lap. She patted her leg and told me there was plenty of room, so up I jumped.


Jello legs.

It was gross.

This would be more acceptable. Without Buddah.
I jumped back down and told her to go change; heck, just put on those long ugly shorts she likes to wear to boobie walk things. That would be fine; she would still be cool and I would have something decent to plop down on. Something reasonable between us.

She just snorted and told me it was too bad.

People...this is unacceptable. You owe your kitties a decent lap, and trust me, your naked flesh--or even Lycro-covered naked-feeling flesh--just doesn't cut it.

Put some clothes on.


It's only fair.

June 29, 2013

Apparently, it's hot outside

Yeah...I think I'm glad I'm an inside kitty today. It was hot enough that the Woman didn't even go outside today, and when she made dinner she used the little box over the stove that gets things hot without heating up the whole kitchen.

It could be hotter, though. In Phoenix they have to put hot pads on doors handles so people won't get burns.

Yep, glad I live here and not there. It got to like 106 today, but the Woman ran the cold air blowing thingy all day, so it didn't bother me.

Did that keep her from whining?

No. She still did, even though she was just as comfortable as I was. Just the IDEA of the hots bothers her. She's even already worrying about next week when the Man has a couple days off from passing gas, because it'll be too hot to go anywhere or do anything. They talked about going to San Francisco and hanging out there where it's cooler, but the guys that drive the train might go on strike. They would drive in but if the train people strike that means a lot more people will be trying to park in the city and they don't want to take parking away from someone who has no choice (or really...they just don't want to fight traffic and then try to FIND a parking space. They're not really that nice...)

I think they should go to a mall, enjoy the cold air in there, and buy stuff for me.

June 27, 2013

File under: if you do not brain, I will mock you

You should be ashamed, spending Max's money on things for other people. That's like taking away a child's allowance and spending it on yourself. It's not right, and I think you're a little bit mean.
Um. Yeah.

That's from email the Woman got regarding her blowing my royalties on meaty things for boobie walkers and crew members.

At first she thought the person who emailed her was kidding, but after a couple of back-and-forths, it was pretty clear that they were serious. They think she was really mean to spend money I earned on my books.

I'm going to let that sit with you for a moment.

Now, the Woman tried to point out the obvious, but apparently it didn't sink in. I do hope it sinks in with the rest of you guys. Because most of my doods, you are Teh Smart. I'm 99% sure that 4 out of 5 of you can figure it out immediately and the other 22% will eventually get it.


Math is hard.


We are amused here. Greatly amused.

We are not ashamed.

Well, not of that...

Me, laffin' and laffin'...

June 26, 2013

Today, I want to rock the pink

I don't do pink as well as Skeezix did. I don't think anyone does or ever will, but man, I will embrace it and try as hard as I can to honor the dood who made it look so good.



Skeez did pink a billion times better than I ever will. I mean, look, I got it all over myself. That might work for the Woman and her pathetic head furs, but I'm not so sure I rock it.

Sorry, Skeez. I'll keep trying. Some day, I'll figure out how you made pink look so manly.

Guys...I'm still bummed. I still feel that giant Skeezy-hole in my heart. I look at Buddah and keep thinking he and Skeez were the same age; I want Buddah to hang around as long as he stops being a pain in my asterisk, and it feels wrong that Skeezix didn't get as much time as Buddah will.

I'm trying to not be so sad, though. I want to remember all the good that Skeezix brought to the cat blogosphere, and guys...he brought A LOT of good. He brought a lot of joy and a farkton of laughter, and I'll never forget that.

I've been trying to pick one favorite memory. One thing out of all those bazillion things he did and said that made me howl with laughter, what sticks out as the best?

Could I even come up with one?

Between his love of Mother's Milk and his fashion iconness and love of Daisy and his spelling efforts and school bus desires...what jumps out at me.

What made me just a tiny bit jealous?


boner blanket

My man Skeezix had something I never will. And I'll never have it because my people ROBBED ME OF MY MANHOOD. But Skeez? His people might have tried to rob him of his, but he was so studly that he kept it and needed a freaking boner blanket!

I cannot compete with that level of awesome manhood.

I mean, I AM awesome and manly, but I've never even been able to use a boner blanket. Well, I might havd just before I got nootered, and there was that one incident where the Woman was dying with laughter because I was flexible enough to cause certain things to happen that could have led to the use of said blanket, but I was young and didn't even know those existed.

Right after that the goodies got lopped off, and well...yeah. I was a bit jealous of Skeez because he not only had one, but needed one.

And man, he had no issues with telling us about it. And that takes balls, guys, even when you don't have any.

I am never, not ever, going to forget the most awesome dood ever. Skeezix is burned into my brain and into my heart, and I wanted to help somehow, even if it was just a drop in the bucket. Chey's person set up a fund in Skeezix's honor, and the money raised will be given to the Food Lady and Mister Tasty Face so they can donate it to the charity of their choice. All for Skeezix.

If you have a couple of bucks, please donate in his memory. Because the memories he gave us...those are priceless.

Skeez...I love ya, dood, and I miss you, and thank you so much for all the freaking awesome things you showed me and taught me, and all the wicked awesome laughter you brought into my life. You rocked it, man. Totally, completely, rocked it.

June 24, 2013

I have been cheated. CHEATED!

"Woman," I said. "It's that time of the month again."

She screwed up her face and said, "Dood. Really. Just go eat something junky and watch a soap opera. I don't need the gory details."

"Not THAT kind of time of month. Jeebus. I meant that this is the time of month when I get paid. And there are things I would like to purchase with the money I earned from my books."

"Yeah. Well. About that."

"I want my money, Woman," I said sternly.

She sighed hard. "Well, here's the thing. I know how much you love the boobies--"

"I do love the boobies. What's that got to do with my royalty monies?"

"--and this weekend I was out working the boobie walk, and well, we ran out of beef jerky to hand out to the walkers and the crew people who really seemed to like beef jerky."

"I don't like where this is going."

"They REALLY liked it, Max. So I went to the store and bought these jerky-like meat sticks to give them."


"Kind of," she said carefully. "You bought meaty things for boobie walkers."

"For walkers."

"Yes. And they really appreciated it, dood. They get a lot of candy and stuff along the way, so a meaty treat is just something special. And you bought it for them."

"So. It was something no one else was giving them?"

"Yep. I honestly didn't think you would mind, seeing as how they were walking a lot of miles to save the boobies you love so much."

I sighed hard, because what's a guy to do?

I hope those boobie people liked that meat, because now I can't buy that ACME Opposable Thumb Kit, and I was really looking forward to owning one.

Since it was for the boobies...fine.

But next time she better ask first.

June 19, 2013

To one of the most awesome doods I will ever know...

Ok, guys. Tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be 12 years old. And I’m not celebrating, not yet. Maybe next week. For one, the Woman is heading to San Francisco today so that she and DKM can drive a van and chase people who are walking for the 3 Day thingy, making them hurry up and get over the next hill. I think it’s mean, but if I understand it correctly, the walker who walks the best and gets over that hill with style get points and candy from them. Plus things like a play-tattoo, cookies, and candy. The Woman swears she’s not going to run anyone over. Not on purpose.

But mainly, I don’t feel like celebrating. I feel like crawling into my mancat cave and napping, because having a fun birthday just sounds like no fun at all right not, not really, not when a guy I really dug, a guy who didn’t get as many years here as I have so far, had to go to the Bridge.

I like a lot of guys, but there are a few I really love. Skeezix was one of them. And if I loved him, his Food Lady and Mr. Tasty Face must have been 195 kinds of crazy about him, and it hurts me to think about how much they must hurt right now.

For a little guy, the Skeezix-sized hole left in the world is pretty freaking huge.

Thing is, I’m not 100% sure when I found Skeezix online. I’d been blogging for a while and there still weren’t a whole lot of cat blogs out there, not compared to now; I’m pretty sure I found his best bud Jeter first and followed a link from there…but guys, let me tell you, when I found him it was like I’d found a rock star.

That was one handsome man-cat. I have no issue admitting that; anyone who saw a picture of Skeezix and those big, beautiful eyes, the froot bat ears…they had to see the same thing: one seriously good looking feline. I mean, I knew I was stunningly handsome, but there was something about that skinny little dood that was captivating.

It was clear early on. Chicks dug him, guys wanted to be like him.

While we shared an innate beauty, I realized pretty quick that he had a lot of qualities I didn’t. He didn’t seem to be afraid of much; I hate going outside and avoid it at all costs, but Skeezix liked to go outside and take walks with his people. He went places and met people, and never seemed at all grumpy about it. Me…yeah, take me outside and I’m more than grumpy. I’ll poop on you.

He traveled the world; sometimes he sent his flat-self, but that was just like him going, and he shared his adventures with us. I learned about Mother’s Milk from him, and he got to meet my hero, Jackson Galaxy. He met the people behind a lot of the cat bloggers, up close and in person. He was just so out there. In a good way.

And dang, he was always willing to learn something new. He was the only one of us to tackle the Spelling Bee, and with Jeter’s coaching he went farther than most could ever dream of. He had such a thirst for learning that he wanted to go to school…but that danged yellow bus would never stop for him.

That was the educational system’s loss. Not only would Skeezix have been a star pupil, he would have taught all those sticky people a whole lot.

And his muscles! Holy carp, his muscles! No wonder all the womens loved him.

I’ve said before, cancer is a bitch. It’s not fair. It takes away so many good people and kitties. There was a part of me that kind of hoped he would beat that bitch into submission, even though I knew that it was just a matter of time. I wanted for him more time, and really, that was selfish. But we can all be selfish in that, because I’m pretty sure we all wanted that for Skeezix.

I know where he is; I know he has a big group of his friends at the Bridge who will rally around him and show him the ropes. I know what’s waiting for him and it’s all good. I know that when I go, he’ll be there to give me a couple of head bumps.

I know all that, but it’s still hard, because he’s not here, and here is where I want him to be, with the Food Lady and Mr. Tasty Face.

Skeezix, my man…I’ll see you on the flipside. And when I get there, I hope you’ll take me for a ride on the school bus…and I bet not only will you get to ride it there, you’ll get to drive it anywhere you want to. We’ll load up the entire CB gang there, and go as fast as we can, kicking up dust and laughing like maniacs.

It will be glorious.

June 18, 2013

Aw man...Skeezix

Doods, I'm gutted. I'm leaking as hard as a guy can leak.

Skeezix has gone to the Bridge.

I know we were all expecting it, but I was hoping for much, much later. I was hoping for months for him, and especially for the Food Lady and Mr. Tasty Face.

He was such a beautiful mancat, and I loved him.

I may try to write more about him later, but right now I can't. 

June 16, 2013

Why I haven't been able to post

I would LIKE to post. There are things I need to say! Wisdom I need to impart! But no. I haven't gotten near the computer because of stuff like this:

Yeah, the Woman has been outside riding around in a topless car that looks a lot like that. And I'm pretty sure she's doing the whole ooh I look cool thing like the first picture, and she's probably singing out loud like the kitty in the second. 

I hope she's happy because me needs are being neglected. Like tonight, she made real live fresh dead roast beast, and it was NOT TASTY. And then when I was ready for a lap so we could watch TV, she got up and went into another room!

I think all that fresh air has ruined her.

Or maybe it's the pink hair. It might have fried her brain.

She better get it together soon, because this is just unacceptable.

June 07, 2013

Not to be morbid, but...

...dying and being dead and stuff has been on my mind lately. Not ME, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I hope. But with the Other Grandma dying and friends who have gone onto the Bridge, and people who have been really nice to me online dying... well, I think about it.

Sometimes I wonder, What would happen if the Man and the Woman both suddenly up and croaked? Who would open cans for me? Who would scoop the litter box every day? Who would watch Doctor Who with me?

Yeah, he'll take care of me...
The thing is, I know there are people who would step up and take care of Buddah and me. I'm pretty sure either the Grandma or the Younger Human would take us in, and if neither of them could (people have real reasons when they can't take someone else's pets, and that's okay) DKM told the Woman that she would be our new person.

So I get a little peace of mind knowing that someone will be there for me.

But guys...we all know of kitties from the Blogosphere who have suddenly been in need of a home because their people died. Some of you have people who went halfway across the country to get one of our friends to make sure they had a home. The Cat Blogosphere is a huge place now, and it's just not realistic to think that will happen every single time something happens to one of our people.

So. It's time for The Talk, doods. You need to sit your people down and tell them--gently--that they need to make provisions for you in case something happens to them, and they need to do it now. No one ever thinks anything bad will happen, but face it, sometimes the Unwanted sneaks up and gives a person a hard, hard wedgie. They need to figure out where you will go in the event of their demise, and how you will get there.

And then it needs to be in writing somewhere, so that other people know who it is that is suppose to care for you.

It sucks, but man, it'll suck more if you're suddenly without the thumbs that open your cans. 

June 03, 2013


Doods! Look! Skeezix's Food Lady made this really nice picture of me for mousebreath! and it's been my header for a while now.

See how spiffy it is?

Well, today the Woman went to this guy down the street who can take spiffy art like that and drive it into peoples' skin, and look what she came home with!

She's gonna have me on her FOREVER!

June 01, 2013

So. There was a change in plans.

Because of reasons, we didn't get the Grandma. The people packed their bags and left yesterday morning, but came home in the afternoon. They got as far as LA and came home, but that's okay because I wasn't done sitting on the Woman's lap and trying to make her feel better.

So once she sat down, that's just what I did. We watched some TV together even though there's no more Doctor Who until like September which totally blows, and the only times I got up were when she had to pee.

And doods, that happens a lot, so I was able to run and munch on some crunchy food and drink some water pretty much whenever I felt like it. She was about 5 kinds of happy, thinking I was waiting for her to get back...I don't think she knows I went about my business while she was doing hers.

Today I think she feels a little better. She hates the idea of there being a world without her mom in it, but is glad that she had a long life and was well cared for in her later years when things weren't all sunshine blowing out her asterisk. And she died the day before what would have been her and the Other Grandpa's 64th wedding anniversary, so the Woman pretty sure that she just wanted to be with him again.

So it's all right. And my People are all right.

Thank you for all the nice things you said...it meant a lot. And now I have to figure out a way to make them go somewhere so I can really get the Grandma.

She gives good treats.