Inhale deeply, doods

Posted by Max | Posted on 5/17/2015 08:08:00 PM


Inside this super slow hot thingy is some real live fresh dead chicken. And it's not for the people--it's for me! Well, for me and for Buddah.

I don't know why, but the Woman started doing this a couple of weeks ago, and she always has some real live fresh dead chicken all shredded in a bowl, and she's been giving it to us instead of crunchy treats.

Doods, I don't even mind.


Well, almost on demand. I asked for some a little while ago and she said that it was too close to dinner. But tonight I get some for a treat, and tomorrow, and the next day. AND SHE'LL MAKE MORE!

The Man has been building things!

Posted by Max | Posted on 5/11/2015 08:21:00 PM


And clearly, he built this one for me.

I think I'm going to take my next nap here. Maybe up a level, where I can use the towels as a squishy, soft bed.

This is awesome!

Humans. Sheesh.

Posted by Max | Posted on 5/09/2015 02:36:00 PM


Okay. So this morning I woke the Woman up at 4:30. And then again at 5:30, 5:50, 6:15, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00, and 7:15. Then the Man came home to open a can for Buddah and me, so I ate and enjoyed it, and then went back into the bedroom, jumped up right by the Woman's pillow, curled up, and meowed every 27.492 seconds until she got up at 8:30.

As she got dressed, I curled up in the warm place her body had made on the bed, and she asked me why I wanted so badly for her to get up.

She's not very bright, is she?

I stayed on that spot until 2:15, snoozing and turning over every now and then. I heard people-stuff going on in the kitchen so decided it was time to get up and stretch and check it out, and you know what she did?

She pulled a giant container of real live fresh dead chicken from the fridge--she made a couple pieces in the What A Crock Pot last night without any non-kitty-friendly things in it--and without even asking she shredded some up and gave Buddah and me some fresh chickeny treats! Bonus: she heated mine up in the fast-cook box for 5 seconds so it was warm but not hot and smelled really, really good.

I'm not complaining, mind you. But I am suspicious. I mean, I kinda tossed her out of bed before she wanted to get up and then she turns around and gives me real food as a treat and not crunchy stuff (which would have been fine, you know) and then...THEN she opened the window so I could sniff the fresh air.

Oh yeah. With all the stuff that's been going on here--painting and stacks of boxes of things the Man is putting together (giant closets, I think)--she moved one of my perches right where I can curl up and look out the window.

It's not even my birthday yet.

And. AND. I heard her say there's real live fresh dead shrimp in the fridge, too, and if the Man will chop some up (she doesn't like touching it) I can have some of that later.

I tried to ask her if she was being nice because I'm sick or something but all she did was kiss me on top of the head and tell me I'm a good boy.

Yeah, she didn't think so at 4:30 this morning.

I'll take what I can get.

It was...a day.

Posted by Max | Posted on 5/02/2015 10:16:00 PM


I was not really surprised when I got up from my morning nap to find messy things such as this going on. The TV was pushed away from the wall, the chair practically in the kitchen, and the Supreme Commander Kitty Tower was gone.

Buddah came out, and immediately crouched down low and started slinking around, as if the people doing stupid things was something new.

I figured they'd get whatever it was done before dinner, and went back to take another nap. And a little while later I heard the Man bring Buddah to the back of the house, promise him it wouldn't be too long, and then the screen down in the hall squeaked shut.

Again...not a big deal. I'm used to these people.

And I was right; before dinner time the Man opened the screen door and said we could come out. Things were still in disarray, but the Woman was vacuuming the furniture off and the TV was back where it should be, and the Man re-hung the curtains that he washed.

Just before she opened a can for us, everything in the living room (but only there...somehow this required trashing every other room in the house) was in place and it looked all spiffy and bright.

Everything except her feet. Doods...she was wearing shoes and socks while she painted, so I have no idea how this happened.

But's been over 3 hours since we had dinner and the People stopped messing things up, but he's still acting like we're going to be forced into another M-word.

I should tell him he's moving, but the rest of us are staying here.

That would be mean, though, wouldn't it?


Today is the Man's Birthday...

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/27/2015 07:50:00 PM


...and that means STEAK.

I got a bunch of bites, but ate most of them before the Woman could get her phone out to take a picture.

Birthdays also mean BOXES.

There were a bunch of boxes in the living room but they had presents in them, so Buddah was mostly looking forward to being able to have the biggest one. And it's a pretty big box; he could stretch out in it and there would still be a lot of room in it.

It was big because it had this in it:

It's a Klingon weapon. I think it also means DON'T TICK THE MAN OFF. It's all pointy. I fat, it's so pointy that he put it back in the foam container it was in until he can make a display space for it, a place Buddah and I won't accidentally jump onto and wind up surprised and 3 kinds of dead.

I think he had a good birthday. I can't be sure because the people were out all day, but they came home with a couple of plastic cups with Doctor Who stuff on them, so I'm guessing they were out having fun.

If they met the Doctor, though, I'll be 183 kinds of ticked off, and something of theirs will meet a toothy death.

This is sad, but a family needs help.

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/19/2015 05:25:00 PM


Doods. A couple of nights ago we sat here watching TV and playing online, and heard a soft pop-pop-pop off in the distance. Well, about 8 pops, and the Woman surmised it was either idiots with firecrackers or someone shot a gun. Just a few minutes later people were on a Facebook page where info from around our town is shared, and they already knew what it was: a teenager was shot while just hanging out in the park.

Cops got there quickly; EMS got there quickly. He was still alive when they rushed him to a hospital in Vacaville, about 10 minutes away...but he died when they got there.

He was only 17 years old.

He was murdered by a 16 year old.

This is a pretty small town. When the Woman walks around it, she can only go about 5 miles from the front door, loop around the entire place, and back. It's the kind of place where you don't necessarily know everyone, but you've seen most of them. The Woman didn't know this kid, but she's seen him around. She doesn't really know anything about him or his family, but she didn't remember him because he acted out of turn when she saw him. He was just a kid, being a kid.

He was just a boy in the park, hanging with his friends.

Now he's gone and his family has to pick up the pieces. Two kids' lives are ruined. Two families ripped apart. The friends who saw it happen will never be the same. The Woman said on FB that the one ripple in the pond is going to become a giant tsunami in their lives, and the first wave is that this boy's family needs money to bury their son.

The Woman gets leaky eyed at the thought: what if it was The Younger Human? How would life go on? How would it even be possible to get from morning to night time and then have trying to scrape up enough money to give him a proper final place to rest piled on top of that?

I've asked you guys for donations for stuff in the past, and there's almost always a fun bent to them: the Woman walking for something and dying her hair and wearing goofy clothes, the Younger Human jumping water while wearing a dress, and there are prizes and things to point at and laugh about.

This time I'm asking without offering anything other than my deepest, most sincere thanks. There's nothing to laugh about. No one to point at. Nothing I can give. Just my thanks.

If you can help at all, please go to the Go Fund Me page for Charlie Moore, Jr., and donate. Any amount will help.

Last night they started out asking for $3000 until it was pretty clear that was nowhere near enough. The goal now of $12,000, and the fund is, as I write this, a bit shy of half. I'm pretty sure they'll need even more than that, because things are always more expensive than the quotes. But just to get them to goal, that would warm my fuzzy heart a bit, and maybe the Woman would leak a little less.

Doods...he was only 17.


Underappreciated. I iz.

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/18/2015 09:29:00 PM


I was very, very nice to the Woman and didn't wake her at all until 7:15 this morning. I also did not tell her that the Man was home and already fed me, but she kinda figured that out when I breathed into her face and she could smell the stinky goodness. Did she appreciate the fact that I didn't wake her at 3:30 or 4:30 or 5:30? Or that I woke her before she wet the bed, because she obviously had to go as evidenced by her getting up and going into the giant litterbox room? No. Not one iota of thanks. Well, she gave me a couple head skritches but that was it. Sheesh.

I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, because sometimes my thinks are just farking poetic and should be shared with the world some day, and I'm really tempted to write an epic one about her not appreciating me as much as she should. I'll title it Well, Yeah My Breath Stinks, But So Do You.

Win the damned Nobel Prize with that one, for sure.

Max's Totally Awesome Very Good Day

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/12/2015 06:32:00 PM


"Every morning, Max," she said. "Every morning, between 5:15 and 5:30. Meow meow meow meow. It's getting old, dood."

Why is she not happy? I used to sing out at 4:30. I GAVE HER AN HOUR. Cripes.

In other news, there's a Doctor Who marathon on today, so I can be pretty sure she won't go anywhere, which means she'll have a ham sandwich for lunch, which means I get Doctor Who all day AND ham!

Oh! And in other other news, not even on Facebook, my day was capped off with STEAK! I got ham, for lunch, Doctor Who all day, and STEAK!

It's not even my birthday yet.

Damn, I'm nice...

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/03/2015 10:39:00 PM


Yeah, she was buzzed...
Ok. So yesterday the People fed us dinner 2 hours early and then left to go eat meaty things with the Younger Human. And that was all right, because it was his birthday. It was not all right when they didn't get home until late night snack time, because I had dinner early and was 2 hours hungrier.

Then the Man stayed up really late, as he does once a week, and because the Woman had had several stupid drinks with her dinner, he fed us at 4 this morning, and then asked that we not wake her up at 5 like I have been lately. I agreed, this sounded reasonable.

So I waited and woke her up at 5:30. And then at 6. And 6:30. And the last time at 7, when it was food o'clock.

See? I am a considerate kitty. Truly.

Where Have I Been This Time?

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/01/2015 10:00:00 AM


I know, I know; I'm a bad blogger. Most days there's just not a lot to write about, because I spend a good part of my days doing the same things: bug the Woman for food, nap, bug the Woman to help me write, bug her for food, nap, poop, repeat. It just seems like every time I sit down to blog I'm repeating things I'v said a dozen times, so I go eat something and take another nap.

But yesterday I did something totally out of the realm of normal. I've been telling Weezer for about 2 years now that I would take her out for a date on the second Tuesday of next week, and even though yesterday was the first Tuesday, I decided what the hell. She was never going to stop pestering me, so I took her out to enjoy a movie and some popcorn, and then dinner after.

And guys. She's really special. She didn't bug the crap out of me during the movie and even offered to pick up the tab at dinner, she told a lot of funny jokes, and she thinks Buddah is a sandwich and a half away from a full picnic, too.

There is no letting a girl like that get away. So I borrowed the Woman's topless car and we drove 3 hours to Nevada, where I paid an Elvis impersonating minister to officiate at our wedding.

I'm a married man now, doods.

We haven't worked out the living arrangements yet, but I'm pretty sure she's going to come here since I really don't like going outside.

We'll have a housewarming party soon. I'll let you know the details when we decide.

She got the answer right, but it was the wrong question...

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/25/2015 12:34:00 PM


This was not today. But I would like it to be.
Okay, so a little while ago I looked out the window, and could see that the leaves in the big tree outside were, like, dancing, and that means there's a nice breeze. I enjoy a nice breeze, so I marched over to where the Woman was sitting, and asked her to open the door.

Now, I expect to have to ask things 5 or 6 or 100 times before she listens, but this time she looked at me and said "All right" and she got up...

...and headed into the kitchen, where she got me some crunchy treats.

Clearly, she has learned: the correct answer to any question is a handful of crunchy treats.

But I'd still like her to open the door.


Posted by Max | Posted on 3/24/2015 01:31:00 PM


The Man has a tummy ache today; normally this would not concern me, but I was going to nap on his bed because the order of things is that once he's up in the morning, that bed is mine for the rest of the day, but then the Woman told him he might feel better if he laid down for a bit, and now my nap spot is taken and I don't like that one bit.

There's another room with another bed...why couldn't he go curl up and be miserable on that one instead? Freaking inconsiderate people, cripes...


Posted by Max | Posted on 3/21/2015 08:53:00 PM



The One Where I Nearly Starved To Death. Twice!

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/20/2015 12:52:00 PM


The People hung around the house yesterday, being giant pink blobs. That's nothing new. That's so normal that I didn't think anything about it, and took my naps in all my favorite snoozing places. I didn't even think anything when the Woman put real pants on, and when they both left the house around 4:15, because they do that once in a while, too, and sometimes come home with real live fresh dead meaty things.

But yesterday they left, and didn't come back.

They didn't come back for FOREVER.

I know it was forever, because when 7:30 dinner time rolled around and they still weren't home, I started counting, and when the counting got to high, that was forever. When 8:30 rolled around, that was forever AND mean.

By 9:30, I was feeling faint and and twitchy, and I was so thin my furs were hanging off my bones like a bad winter coat. It was so bad, I started to contemplate eating dry food. DRY FOOD.

They finally walked in and fed me at 9:45, which was only 15 minutes from snack time. I ate my dinner, and then went into the living room to inform the Woman it was time for our snack. She told me no! As if skipping snack was acceptable!

No, you just ate.


I thought maybe she was kidding, so I waited in the chair next to hers, and eventually she got up, but it was not to give me my snack. It was to go to bed.

I had to wait until 4 am to get a snack, and that was from the Man. He said it was a shut-up snack, but I don't care what it was, it was LATE.

And then?


He closed the bedroom door, so that I could not wake the Woman for breakfast at 7:30. I did my best, sitting outside the door and calling for her, but I grew weak from hunger and I don't think she could hear my tired, food-needed pleas. She didn't feed us until 9 o'clock.

Doods, I am lucky I survived.

And all that because she went and got another tattoo that's not of me. So, so rude.

Happy 10th, you little black furball

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/15/2015 10:42:00 AM


Yep, he's 10 years old.

That's an entire decade, and in a few week that means he's been a pain in my asterisk for AN ENTIRE DECADE.

He bites, he jumps on me with no reason or notice, he scratches, and he's unintentionally mean (really, I don't think he knows his behavior is often inappropriate) but for some reason the People still like him.

Today he gets to nap on MY tower in the Woman's office, and he gets a new nip toy when he wakes up. Plus. I did some stealthy shopping on Amazon and tomorrow he gets a new nip banana...I think he's ok with his present being late.

Happy birthday, Buddah Pest.

Friday the 13th!

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/13/2015 06:32:00 PM


I dunno why people think Friday the 13th is unlucky...I got steak today.




Freaking lucky, if you ask me.

If this looks familiar, you saw it on Facebook...*

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/10/2015 05:23:00 PM


The time change has thrown me off my game...last night I didn't even ask for my 10 pm snack; at 10:30 the Woman looked at me and asked if I was hungry. This morning, the Man was up before I was and I had to scramble down the hall to make sure that I didn't miss breakfast. I'd complain, but having light at the end of the day seems to make the Woman happy, and I'll adjust. Maybe.

*The FB in the sidebar just isn't working for most people. I'm not sure why; you don't need a FB account to read it, but it seems simpler to just cross post  to the blog. So if you also have me on FB, you'll see things twice.

I will still have content original only to the blog. Especially once I am not so blog-blocked...


Posted by Max | Posted on 2/19/2015 10:30:00 PM



Okay, so, maybe not here since I haven't blogged in for-freaking-ever, but here. In the comfy chair. In my house, where I have the fireplace and noms and no real reason to do much of anything other than be awesome.

If you miss me when I go for a while without blogging, you can look to the right and there in the sidebar are the things I'm posting to Facebook. They go from there to Twitter to here, so if you click on them you might need a Twitter account to see the whole thing. I don't know, I haven't tried it without Twitter or Facebook. But it's there!

But the real time discussions with the Woman. I want to write another book. She says I'm pretty well tapped out. So I said, well how about what you do? I can do that. And she was all, you want to write fiction? And I was like, hellz yeah!

Ok, so we sounded more normal than that.

Or I did. She rarely sounds normal.

So I pitched an idea to her. And she actually liked it! But she's not sure about the marketability of cat-written fiction.

Maybe we could co-write.

I really want to write this. Depends on if anyone would read it.

Whatcha think, doods? Fun-funny idea, or stupid?


Posted by Max | Posted on 2/03/2015 04:58:00 PM


I stole the picture from Jeni's FB page
You guys know Jasper McKitten-Cat and Josie and Maggie and Huggy Bear, right?

They do a lot of stuff to raise money for Multiple Sclerosis--like 50 miles walks and 100 mile bike rides--and in about a month they're doing the MS Challenge Walk. It's kinda like the boobie walk the Woman does, but for MS. Three days, 50 miles.

That's a lot of miles.

They each have to raise $1500 and have a ways to go. So if you want to help in the fight against a pretty awful disease, AND reap a tax deduction AND get good karma, pop on over and donate a few bucks if you can afford it.

If you can't afford a donation, sharing their pages would be just as good!

Almost intercepted it...

Posted by Max | Posted on 2/02/2015 06:37:00 PM