Really. She needs me.

Posted by Max | Posted on 5/18/2016 07:21:00 PM


"Mr. Max," the Woman said, "I've been going over the book so far, and's a whole lot of dialog."

"So? It's got people in it. People talk. A lot."

"Yes, but novels typically have a narrative. Too much dialog can bog a story down and is often better changed to fit into the narrative."

"I've read your books, lady. They're all dialog-heavy."


"Wick has a lot of lines. I don't want to cut his dialog. In fact, I want him to have more."

"Maybe. Wick is the narrator, so he technically has the bulk of the story. And as cats go, there's not a lot of verbal back and forth with other characters."

"He has the best line. Dry food is for peasants. Keep that one. It's important that people understand that."

"Hey, I saw you eating dry food just ten minutes ago."

"Yeah, well as a snack. Not as my primary source of nutrition. Make sure that Wick gets lots of real live fresh dead things."

"You want me to include his dietary preferences in a novel?"

"Novels have to have some real life in them, right?"

"Yes, but people don't want the minutia of real life. It's boring. Everyone poops but I'm not putting that into the book."

"You should. Pooping is glorious."

"No. And none of this addresses the volume of dialog in the manuscript. You need to start picturing the words in your head, and then showing those same things in the narrative."

"That's what I have you for."

"But the book will have your name on it."

"Well it's my story. My thinks."

"That might be the problem. You're thinking as if this were a script."

"Again, I've read your other books..."

"Fine. We'll leave it like this until the last draft, but then it has to change, okay?"

"This, what we're doing. This is real life dialog, right?"

"It is."

"You're right. This chit is boring. You go back to work and I'll start polishing my thinks. I have no idea how you ever managed to write without me before."

This is glorious!

Posted by Max | Posted on 5/14/2016 06:43:00 PM


Y'all know I'm a senior kitty, right? I turn 15 in about a month. Now, I'm a healthy senior kitty, as evidenced by my recent stabby guy checkup (new stabby guy, I might like him because he gives me drugs and I don't remember being there, but because of the drugs I don't really know) so the people aren't especially worried about me. I'm slower than I used to be, and I nap more, and the Woman thinks that a lot of the time I just look sleepy.

And that's okay. I've earned my naps and tiredness, and even my cranky times. But the Woman noticed that I ask for dinner a little early more often than I used to, and I want food at 4 am when I used to just be happy to sing in the hall. So sometimes I get dinner early because I ask nicely, and if someone is awake at 4am--it happens because the Man works nights and sometimes stays up that late when he's off--I get an extra dinner.

Tonight I asked for dinner half an hour early, and the Woman was all "Okay, Big Guy, it's not too early," and she opened a can for us, and while we nommed the People stood in the kitchen (I have issues getting the food unstuck from the dish sometimes, so she waits and unsticks it for me a couple of times) and I heard them say that because I'm an older guy, maybe I should get food when I want it and not just because of what time it is.

Yeah, that'll work for a while, then they'll look at the clock more often again.

The glorious part? The Woman said that maybe it's time to let me have gravy food again. And the Man said that maybe I should also get to have the special gooshy stuff, Fancy Feast Medleys, because I do love them, and...I am fifteen.


I'm really hoping the Woman goes to the store tomorrow and gets me some, because I haven't had that in years.

My life won't be awesome again until I do.


Posted by Max | Posted on 5/09/2016 07:42:00 PM


Okay, not really, but as far as Buddah is concerned, the new Roomba WILL eat him.

Now, generally, the rule here is that no gets to intentionally scare a kitty, which kept the People from getting a Roomba for years. But then the Auntie got one and really liked it so they decided to go ahead and give it a try. Since Buddah and I tend to nap in a bedroom, they figured they could close the doors and run it while we're sleeping.

Mostly, they thought I would be terrified if it.

This morning, they learned the truth: it doesn't bother me. I made note of it, and then went about my business. And Buddah isn't really afraid of it, he's just cautious. He'll follow it from room to room to see what it's doing, but he's not hiding from it...but I'm still gonna tell him that when he's not looking, the Roomba will eat his soul.

One Facebook, everyone said I needed to get a shark costume and ride it. I think everyone just needs to be happy that I didn't hork a hairball onto it.

Like I did into one of the Woman's shoes.

Oh yeah. I totally did it.

A great big one, right into her spendy running shoes.

Life is good.

William, my man...

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/26/2016 09:08:00 PM


Dood, before you go, I gotta tell you...I love you, man. I'm sorry you're just about ready to go onto the next big thing, even though we have a ton of friends there who are waiting for you and will throw you the most wicked fun party.

William of Mass Destruction...the most awesome WMD there will ever be
I will try to chew up some window stripping or something in your honor.

Other doods....William of Mass Destruction is nearing his time to go to the Bridge. Please go say something, tell him how much you love him. He deserves a whole lotta love. He's wicked cool and a long time blogging buddy, and he's gonna be missed so hard.

We really need a maid

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/22/2016 11:42:00 AM


Like, for realz.

Right now, the front room is so jammed with STUFF that I can't even walk on the floor. There are boxes and bins and they're loaded down with krap the Woman pulled out of the old office so that she culd clear enough space to get a couple of bookcases out of it.

Oh yeah, that's how bad the office was. It filled the front room with all the stuff that blocked her way to the bookcases.

She also dumped stuff on the sofa, but with the exception of a dresser drawer, it was all soft and squishy things. So what's a guy to do when there are soft, squishy things on the sofa?

He makes a nest, that's what.

It was a really comfy nest, too, especially when the Woman moved the drawer out of the way. I don't think I'll get to keep it forever, because at some point she'll start putting all that krap back in the old office, and then she'll fold the soft blankets and set the pillows back the way they should be.

But we still need a maid, because left to her own devices, it will take her 5 years to clean it up by herself.

On the plus side, I now have a spiffy new office, where I will finish my book soon and then start on the next.

Thinks will be thunk here
The Woman thinks I'm a slave-driver, pushing her to get this thing done, but doods, I have so many things in my head and I have to write them NOW while I can. She can go write her own things and play when I'm done. Right?


I may need a new dictation taker soon

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/16/2016 09:28:00 PM


Seriously. For reals. The one I have now is borderline useless, what with her "educated" opinions and control over the laptop.

Like tonight. She felt like working from her comfy chair in front of the TV (after she colored in a coloring book like a 7 year old) so I lounged on the back of the chair near her head. It was an ideal position, because I can see what she's typing, and that makes it easier to correct her mistakes. Sometimes we disagree on dialog, but that's just because she has a people brain and not a cat brain, so even though I tell her what to type, her brain translated it into something different.

But man, when she totally changes my words? That's a deal breaker, right?

Like tonight. My narrator is a cat named Wick, and he was talking about being hissed off. So that's what I told her to say. Hissed off.

But what did she type?


That's not remotely the same. First off, Wick doesn't have ticks. He's a royal kitty, and very hygienic. And being a kitty, he hisses.


There are so many more things like that. It makes writing exhausting. But the story is good, so I'm keeping at it, but I really do think I need someone else to type my thinks, someone who doesn't edit me as she goes along.

Oh, and I totally won that battle. Maybe because I bit her hair and warned her that her ear was really close to my teeth...


Posted by Max | Posted on 4/06/2016 08:27:00 PM


I didn’t get to talk much last year about my favorite subject, because the Woman “took a year off” and deprived me of doing much about it.

But this year? I totally get to talk about it. Them. Heh.


Who doesn’t like boobies?

Not these boobies
The kind of boobies that thousands of people walk for every year, raising money to save. Or treat, really. Eventually they’ll get saved, but a lot of the walking is for treating the kraptastic things that happen to some people who have boobies.

So the Woman is walking this year. And you know what else? SO IS THE MAN!!! For reals!

And you know what else?

This year they have some super spiffy prizes for their donors. Like every year, every $5 you donate gets you an entry…and they’re going to have something pretty much every 5-6 weeks. The first drawing on April 30 is for a Garmin Vivosmart HR activity tracker AND a Garmin Index digital scale (it’s smart…it keeps track and sends data to your account so you can see how you’re doing.) This prize is worth $500.

If you want to read more about what the prizes they have so far are, peek at the Woman’s blog from a week or so ago (click here). She’s got a picture of all of the stuff. But I can tell you, too…

The Vivosmart HR & Garmin scale

Kodak 14MP digital camera

Roku Streaming Stick

Kindle Fire 6

Samsung Galaxy Tab E Tablet

11" Dell laptop

13” Dell laptop

But go read, ‘cause there might be other things I’m not thinking about.

If you donate now, you’re entered for ALL of them…even if you win one. You can win another.

Just click on their pictures, that goes right to their fundraising pages. One or both, doesn’t matter.

Oh, and my buddy Weezer (she loves me and wants a date on the 2nd Tuesday of next week) says her people will pony up a super-duper sweet prize if the people both hit their minimum goals by the end of September.

Everything you donate through their official fundraising pages is tax deductible, don’t forget that. And IT’S FOR THE BOOBIES!!!



They should have just ASKED me

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/02/2016 03:57:00 PM


Don't hate me because I'm beautiful
I could have told them, but no, they had to put me through the wringer to find out that I'm perfectly normal.

The stabby guy called today with the results from the test they did on the blood they stole from me, and everything was fine.

If they had asked me before, I could have told them I felt perfectly fine, and we could have avoided the whole ordeal.

The only other good thing is that next week or the week after, they're taking Buddah to see him, too.

Don't tell him.

I don't want to ruin the surprise.


Posted by Max | Posted on 4/01/2016 04:50:00 PM





Someone needs to let these people know that April Fools is supposed to be FUNNY. This was not FUNNY. This had me seeing a new stabby guy (he was ok I guess. Didn't make me get out of my PTU) and then I was DRUGGED (which was ok, I guess) and then THEY STOLE MY BLOOD (which was NOT ok.)

And all this because I'm a senior kitty and "it was time to see how things are working."

Well, I showed that stabby guy how things are working. I pooped a lot.

And tonight I'm showing the people how things are working. I'm going to poop on a pillow or two.


Doods.From the Heart.

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/01/2016 09:56:00 AM


...and we're working, we're working...

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/30/2016 04:01:00 PM


I had to turn into a slave driver. The Woman kept finding all these things to distract herself with, and my book was not getting written. So for the last few weeks, I've forced her to take copious notes and to listen to all the words I wanted her to type, and then I had to make sure she was going to get them in the right order, and I sent her to Starbucks most days, where she could drink a lot of tea and organize all my thinks into a book.

Wow...that was like I took a page from the Buddah Pest School of Writing's textbook.

Anyhow, we finished the first draft last night. It was all very exciting, and the Woman celebrated by taking her lactose-intolerant self out to get a large chocolate shake, and I got to celebrate with real live fresh dead steak bites and with some crunchy treats the Easter Bunny sent me through Amazon (the Easter Bunny is a GIRL! Did you know that? I did not know that. And I'm kinda glad, because in my head it makes more sense to have a girl Easter bunny.)

(Oh. wait. That was sexist of me. The Easter Bunny is a WOMAN. A lady. A very classy lady, I might add.)

As first drafts go, it's...okay. The bones of the story are strong, but once we got rolling it was like we were barfing up the words onto the page, just to get them out. And even though it's fiction and we got to totally make up a bunch of stuff, we have to go back and smooth out the details, like what happened when, and knowing that is important when you're telling a story that has a little bit of time travel in it.

And doods, you are totally going to like the main character in this book. His name is Wick, and he's a cat, and he tells the story...which means FINALLY a book will get things right.

Starting this weekend (because we're going to take a couple of days off to rest our brains so the thinks we spit out are better) the Woman is getting out her red pen and marking the krap out of the manuscript, and we'll make more notes, and then get down to the super-deep writing.

But man, looking at the notes we already have...there's enough stuff here for 3-4 books. At the rate we write, I have to live to, like, 21 to finish it all. I'm cool with that. If I make it to 21, I get to have beer.

I mean, that must be worth hanging around for, because the Man is always saying Mmmm, beer when he pops a bottle open.

I think I'll try the root kind first.

Happy Birthday Buddah Pest

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/15/2016 10:55:00 AM


Today, he's onety-one. Here he is crying, because he hasn't gotten any presents yet.

(Ok no, this is an old picture and he has allergies...)

I did get him 3 toys, but we haven't given him his gifts yet, because he would rather nap than play right now. He'll be more awake this afternoon, and we'll given them to him then. Plus, I think the People are picking up their present to him after lunch (don't tell him,but he's getting a new climbing tower, since he's scratched the bejeezuz out of the other 3 we have...and then he chews on the strings, and they're worried he'll choke of plug his he gets a new one.)

This was last year on his birthday. He killed that toy in nothing flat.

And here's his better side.

Happy Birthday, Buddah. Onety-one is a great age. It's the age when you learn to leave the other kitty alone and never again bite or scratch him. For realz.

I did it!

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/08/2016 09:50:00 PM



Bonus: the sheets are white, so while I killed them, I got my furs all over them.Sweeeet. 

Baby, it's cold outside

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/05/2016 10:22:00 PM


It's raining pretty hard tonight. I mean, it's been raining off and on all day, but tonight it's coming down hard and it's super windy. The talking heads on TV say that a bunch of tree are down and things got smashed, but so far nothing like that has happened here.
I generally like the rain because I have the fireplace and can steal its warms, but I'm not liking all the wind and how it makes the window thingies outside bang against the house. Even the Woman is moaning about how hard it will be to sleep with that noise going on. It's just bang-bang-bang-bang and she can't even go outside and make it stop. For one thing, she'd probably melt (you saw Wizard of Oz, right? You saw what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West.) For another, she can't see in the dark and it's night time. So we get to listen to the noise all night.
This is the guy who used to wait on our porch
But worse than that...she looked outside and thought she saw one of the neighborhood introoder cats run by, which means it's stuck outside in pounding rain and heavy wind, and there are no fireplaces out there where it can steal some warms. It's not like I want her to go outside and try to catch it (face it, she's too slow anyway) and bring it inside, because that would result in many toothy deaths and probably a lot of bloodshed, but that doesn't mean I like the idea if it being outside when the weather is like this.

Maybe it'll find our porch. There used to be an introoder kitty who napped there when it was rainy. He hasn't been here in a few years, but the porch has a cover so he could mostly stay dry. He even felt safe enough to take naps...the Woman never bothered him and she would even stop doing noisy things inside so that he would feel ok about being there.

I don't know where he finally went, but I think maybe his people scopped him up and moved. He looked well fed and his furs were nice, and the Woman thought he might be an escape artist that used to live two houses down.

Anyway. It's super rainy, and while I like the rain I hate the noise, and outside there's a kitty that we're going to worry about tonight.

Damn Dogs...

Posted by Max | Posted on 2/29/2016 11:49:00 AM


She did it again. The Woman up and disappeared before dinner time and the next thing I know she's posting THIS on Facebook:

Yes, that's who you think it is. That Damned Dog Butters, and his sister, Lady. When I saw that, I knew I was in for a lonely, hungry night.

And I know she enjoyed being there, because she obviously played with them.

But. The joke was on her, because Butters was obviously hoping his people would come home and rescue him from her boringness.

She came home yesterday and immediately put her clothes in the washer, but it didn't help. She still smelled like dog. A shower last night did not help.

The steak I got later, though...that helped.

And she was only gone one night, and the Man opened cans for me, so...I'm not mad. I kinda feel bad for Butters, though, because look at him. He obviously wanted HIS woman and not mine.

Can't say as how I blame him...

It smells like sadness...

Posted by Max | Posted on 2/20/2016 07:12:00 PM


Y'all know Diva Kitty. She's been my friend for forever, since about a year after I started blogging. We "met" outside of blogging in 2006, when we got together at the Jelly Belly Factory so that she and out blogging bug Mattingly could hand off the torch to me for the Catlympics.

I think those are DK's ears on the right...Mattingly was in the middle. But we had a fun day, even though our photographer sucked.

A few years later--I don't know why it took so freaking long--the Woman met Diva Kitty's mom in person, and they started doing things together, which meant that every now and then the Woman would come home smelling like DK, or sometimes her mom came over and smelled like her, too.

How often do blogging kitties get that close to really meeting? And how often do they get to smell each other, to where it smells like happiness?

That's what Diva Kitty smelled like. She smelled like happiness. Even though she was pretty freaking grumpy (another reason I loved her so) she was so well cared for and so deeply loved that she couldn't help that the happiness rode on her furs and then traveled around with the people.

Yesterday, Diva Kitty--whose real name was Sophia--made her journey to the Bridge. She was 18 years old, but that doesn't seem like enough time for someone so wonderful.

I hate that her mom is so heartbroken, because I know the DK-sized hole in her heart isn't going away any time soon. And I hate that I will never again smell her on the Woman's hands.

Knowing that? It smells like sadness right now, and I am still leaking because it's kind of hard to believe. are going to be truly and deeply missed. Find Skeezix and all our other buds up there, and have a wicked good time...and save a sun puddle for me. I don't know when I'll get there, but I know you're one of the first I want to see.

Not saying goodbye. Just...see you on the flipside.

When All Else Fails...

Posted by Max | Posted on 2/15/2016 10:23:00 AM


...knock it off its pedestal.

The treats just fall out this way!
(No toys were harmed in the making of this blog post. The treat machine lives on to provide the people with endless amusement as we labor for our crunchy noms.)

I have to WORK for my treats now

Posted by Max | Posted on 2/11/2016 08:53:00 PM


A while back, I got an email from a really nice lady at Petco, and she wanted to know if I would like to try out a couple of their products. I didn't even know what, but I was all SURE! I LIKE FREE STUFF! but then I also made sure she understood I never promise a good review when I get stuff. I tell what I think, and she was totally cool with that.

I got a big box that had 2 big boxes inside it. One of the things was this catch scratcher:

The way it goes together, you can turn the little levels of scratchy material so that it looks different. But the's really small. I mean, too small for a grownup kitty.

I'm not even sitting upright...when I do I'm taller than it. So is Buddah, and he's the one with claws. He tried to use it a couple of times, and to get any use of it at all he had to get all the way down on his belly. He *wants* to use it...which makes me think that for a kitten, it would be a really good toy. And pieces of it can be replaced pretty easy if they get messed up.

Now, the other thing they sent was a Catit Senses Food Tree. It's this thing the People put crunchy treats into, and then sit back and expect us to work for them.

You want me to what?
Now, I was annoyed at first, because treats should just be given. But then we started checking it out...

...and we both figured out that it's like a prize machine. Stick your paw in just right, and treats fall through it and out the bottom.

After I realized it wasn't hard at all (and you can shake it hard and make treats fall out, too) I started to get into it...and doods, I really like it. It makes me use my brain, and it's like a puzzle to figure out. I've been having fun with it every day, and Buddah has even more fun (I don't think he understands the people put the treats in...I'm pretty sure he thinks it's all some kind of manna-from-heaven thing.)

After playing with it for a few days, I can honestly say it gets two paws up from me--so much so that if they hadn't given it to me, I'd buy one. It's that good.

The scratching, it's great for a kitten, not great for a grown cat.

If you want a treat thingy, you can get one right here from Petco. Only $20!


Posted by Max | Posted on 1/25/2016 07:30:00 PM



It's all turned upside down

Posted by Max | Posted on 1/04/2016 01:00:00 PM


I’ve been trying to figure out why I haven’t been able to blog with the regularity I used to. I mean, I have plenty to talk about, because I live with people and they are ripe with disappointed blog fodder. I also live with Buddah, who is moving past his “Pest” name and heading right back to the original “Butt” designation. So what’s the deal? Why am I not blogging as much as I’m on Facebook?

It finally hit me this morning: it’s the Woman’s fault. She’s turned her sleep schedule around, supposedly to accommodate my need to be fed at 7am and my unwillingness to wait for the Man to get home, which means she’s going to bed a heck of a lot earlier than she used to. It’s thrown everything out of whack. I was used to the timing of things they way they’ve been for 14 years, not the way they are now.

The way they are now? She’s awake when I’m napping, and since she’s in bed at normal-people hours at night now, she’s not there to turn the computer on for me. I still get the hit-and-miss moments where I can check on FB, but not much time to sit and pour out my thinks. I’m surprised we’ve gotten my Mousebreath column done the last few weeks. Like, last night…she KNOWS Monday is coming and we used to sit down on Sunday nights to finish it and upload it, but last night she went to bed and didn’t help me until 7:15 this morning.

KITTIES WERE WAITING FOR THAT, WOMAN! I mean, sheesh, there are certain things expected of me, and one of them is that come midnight Pacific time, Ask Max Monday is there for everyone to read. I don’t even want to think of the crushing disappointment that my European and east coast readers felt this morning when it wasn’t there when they woke up.

Doods, I’m really sorry. She should know better.

On the upside, she IS helping me with my first piece of fiction, so I’m finding it hard to complain. Well, complain much. She doesn’t type as fast as I think, and it’s causing some issues.

Plus…well, she’s been grilling real live fresh dead steak for me every week, so that I can have it as bite-sized treats, and if I tick her off, the meaty goodness might stop.

You know what happens when you get real live fresh dead meat as a daily treat? You stop wanting dry treats and dry food, and you lose a little weight. Seriously, doods, this time last year I was over 18 pounds, now I’m bouncing between 16.8 and 17. Without even trying or suffering for it!

Hm. Maybe the Woman needs to eat what I eat. She’s always whining about losing weight.

Happy New Year, Doods. So far, it’s been spectacular. Well, other than my wrecked schedule, but what’s a guy gonna do?