Oh Bast...help me...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/12/2014 09:51:00 PM


She's singing.

The Woman is singing.

She's been torturing me with this for the last hour or so, and my head hurts. I've tried making her stop by yelling above the decibels of her wailing, I've jumped on her desk and stuck my face in hers and said sternly, "STOP!" and I've even head-butted her face.

Years ago, she did the same thing. She sat at her desk with music playing way too loud, and she tried to sing along with it. A few times I put my paws over her lips to stop her, but really the only thing that finally worked was the Man going to pass gas at night. That meant she had to be quiet during the day, when she normally blared awful music and howled along with it.

Tonight instead of watching TV, she sat at her desk, turned the music on, and began torturing me.

I kind of wonder if it has something to do with her own blog today. She's trying to get people to give boobie money, and for some horrible, awful, misguided reason she seems to think they'll donate if she promises to sing for them.

No one wins with that.

Plus, she says when she does she's going to wear one of these outfits:

Holy fructose, doods, that's going to be 397 kinds of wrong.

On the other hand, if she raises the money and sings one stupid song while dressed like one of those club-hoppers from Who Let The Dogs Out and people SEE and HEAR that chit, maybe she'll learn a harsh lesson and never sing again.

Oh, I can only hope.

Here's the deal: if she can raise just under $1000 by September 19 at 8 pm California time, she'll put the eye gouging spandex on, sing a song and video record it, and then put it online where everyone can point and laugh.

Oh! And if she hits that goal by then, she's going to fund DKM's walk, so there's that. That's a total win.

Please help me stop the singing. Your donations are tax deductible. Plus...there may be a prize or two coming; no promises but we always give stuff away so I don't see this year being any different.

My poor, bleeding ears...

What you missed by not being on Facebook...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/10/2014 12:16:00 PM


...cuz I know not everyone plays there...

On Saturday I watched Doctor Who, because that's what we do on Saturdays because IT'S DOCTOR WHO!

And then 3 hours later, we watched it again, because IT'S DOCTOR WHO. Sunday I needed to share this because sometimes I am immature, and so is the Woman:

We watched Doctor Who a second time last night and it was still weird but we still liked it and thought it was funny, especially when the Woman was all DID THE DOCTOR JUST FLIP OFF ROBIN HOOD??? And then she got online and other people saw it too and even got a picture of it. Doods, I totally less than 3 this Doctor...

And because the Woman is like 12 years old deep down, she shared the picture she found with everyone.


Ok, you can open your eyes now. 

And yesterday I shared a random think:

In general, I don't like the Peoples' rumbly bikes because they're loud and they take the People away for hours at a time, but I must say, when they come home they smell like outside things and I enjoy making the Woman uncomfortable by sniffing her for a good 15 minutes or so.

She really does smell of interesting outside things whens he comes home. Her legs especially smell like wind and sunshine and dead bugs and I think a little bit of scaredy-cat, probably because as she's zooming around on her rumbly bike she screams things like OMG I'M GOING TO DIE and GET YOUR FRAKKING CAR OFF MY BUMPER as well as a bunch of things off the Bad Word List.

Still, she likes it...and I do enjoy sniffing her until she tells me it's getting a little weird. And then I sniff for a few more minutes, because half the fun in doing it is weirding her out.

Oh, Man, it was golden...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/07/2014 08:08:00 PM


First, you have to see the picture.

This is the fake fireplace. No one ever uses it because it's fake. Plus, it's in the front room and I'm about the only one who spends any time in there.

Buddah likes being on top of the fake fireplace. This is important.

#1 - where Buddah was.
#2 - where Buddah wanted to be; there's a ledge where that blue line is.
#3 - where Buddah wound up.


He tried to jump from the fake fireplace to the ledge (he's done it a bajillion times before) but he didn't get enough lift or butt-spring or something, and he wound up in the water fountain.

No worries. The only thing injured was his dignity.

He didn't get just a little wet; his whole right side was soaked. He ran from the fountain, into the living room and then into the dining area and jumped on the table and stood there like he didn't know what to do.

At first the people were, "Oh, Buddah missed his jump" but then they saw all the water dripping off him and they were all "Oh, poor baby," and the Woman picked him up (which he allowed, most of the time he doesn't) and cuddled his wet sloppy self until the Man came in with a towel and tried to dry him off.

He let that happen, too.

When they set him on the counter and he started to slip because his paws were still wet, he let the Man pick him up so the Woman could dry his feet off.

That would normally never happen without blood coming out of one or both people.

Doods...I have to be honest. I watched this all happen and deep down, I was laughing.


Bonus: to distract him from his embarrassment (and he really was embarrassed), the Woman opened a can for us 15 minutes early.

AND I heard her ask the Man to build him another platform scratching post, so he would have an easier time going from the fake fireplace to the ledge.

It's kind of a disparity where cat things are concerned because he has WAY more than I do, but what the hell. It got us dinner early, and I bet it gets us treats when the Man actually makes it and brings it inside.

I think Buddah is still embarrassed, though, because he's curled up on top of his scratching post the Man made him a few years ago, and he never sleeps there.

No worries, I'll work on the Woman for a treat or two in a little bit. Maybe that'll help.

Doods! It's so simple!

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/04/2014 02:55:00 PM


We just have to get our people to eat at their desks! And if you let them see this, don't worry. They won't think "Oh, kitty will steal my food." They'll only think, "Man...I want pizza."

Been a bit blog blocked...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/31/2014 08:20:00 PM


...well, that and the People have been "busy" this week which seems to also mean "no significant computer time for Max," so I leave you with this to entertain you:

I'd play that game.

Oh, Sparkle...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/21/2014 10:20:00 PM


What are we gonna do without your wit and wisdom?

(photo taken from her FB page; I hope that's okay...)

The entirety of the Cat Blogosphere isn't going to be the same without you here. The literary world isn't going to be the same. You are going to be so very missed.

I'm pretty sure I'll catch you on the flipside, but for now...my heart hurts. So I know your family's heart hurts even more. I hope they know thousands and thousands of kitties are out here purring for them, and hoping that the pain doesn't last too long and that the warm fuzzies settle in soon, so that they can think of you with all the smiles your beautiful soul deserves.

It's not goodbye. It's really not.

Damn, I'm nice.

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/19/2014 06:47:00 PM


Ok, so the Woman has a birthday next week. Like, one week from today. She turns about 143 years old, I think, but she can still get around mostly all right.

So the other night I was sitting on her lap, sharing the massive amount of available space with her computer, and she was surfing around, looking at things, and I had the thought that I really should get her something for her birthday. Because, you know, that's what you do for the person who opens the cans of food.

Now, you have to remember, the Woman is basically a dood with boobs, so shiny things like jewelry just don't cut it. I could get her a pair of sneakers and she would like that more than a necklace or bracelet. I don't know her exact shoe size, though, and a cursory glance on Amazon doesn't list "boat-sized" as an option, but I did note she kept looking at the same thing in different colors.

So I said, "Hey, go buy yourself something pretty. You can take the money out of my royalties."

She was so busy looking at the toy she coveted that I don't think she heard me.

"That," I sad, poking my paw at the monitor. "I have enough monies for that, right? Go get it for yourself."

So today she did.

I'm pretty sure that took all the money I had left for the year so I need to get my asterisk in gear and finish my current book so that I have monies for Toys for Tots this Christmas, or at least sell a bunch more books, but I'm pretty sure I can do that.

And she's happy. She liked her old rumbly bike but apparently this one has magic brakes or something, which makes it special.

Hell, I'm just glad I don't have to go outside to go shopping.

The struggle is real...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/11/2014 02:11:00 PM



Posted by Max | Posted on 8/07/2014 03:10:00 PM


Guys. Guys.

I found a new way to mess with a people. And it's something you can easily do, too.

Now, lately I have been napping under the bed. I like to change it up every now and then; for a few weeks I'll sleep in the closet. Then for a few weeks I'll nap in the Man's computer chair. Or on top of a climbing tower. But lately...under the bed.

So last night after snack I wiggled under the bed (because the Woman is old and ouchy, she has it on one of those low profile frames. Did she stop to consider the kitties? NO. She only thought of herself) and stretched out, and then fell into a comfortable, full-tummy slumber.

I sort of noticed when she went to bed; it creaked and moaned with her weight, but then she stopped moving so the bed stopped complaining, and I went back to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later, and unsure of what time it was, I just called out, "Hey, is it time for noms yet?"


When a person hears a cat meow from under the bed, it sounds all ethereal.

The Woman woke up, and blinked a few times, then muttered, "Holy $hit, Max. You sound like the Ghost of Kitties Past."

Or something like that.

I was too busy laughing at her confusion to make note of her exact words.

But do it. Get under the bed and meow at your sleeping people.

You'll totally sound like a Ghost Kitty, and when people are half asleep?

They'll lose their chit.

Report back.

What you're missing on Facebook...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/05/2014 07:25:00 PM


...if you haven't yet liked my author page:

On Friday, August 1, 2014


On Saturday, August 2, 2014

Man...after the sheer joy of the dinner the people had last night, because BACON, tonight while they were eating the Woman looked down at me--I was sitting on the floor nearby being very good--and said, "Sorry, Big Guy. This has onion and garlic."
WHY? Why do people do that? Just get my hopes all high, thinking that maybe she's learning to cook the right things and she goes and makes DEATH for dinner.

On Sunday, August 3, 2014

All right...I sat there nicely while the Woman ate a ham sandwich for lunch; I followed the rules, I was good, and she offered me a taste. But she fouled it with pickles, so I didn't want to eat it. She didn't make a fuss, she just picked it up, tossed it out, and gave me crunchy treats, and while she was at it she put a few on Buddah Pest's plate on the counter.
Well, the little chit wandered out about 20 minutes later and discovered the treats, and now he thinks there's some kind of crunchy treat magic going on here, and refuses to accept that it was my good behavior that scored him the noms. I think I need to just ignore him the rest of the day...

 See? See? You want to visit me on FB! [ clicky right here! ]

Besides, Buddah STILL has more likes than I do, and that's really starting to chap my asterisk.

Other things you might have missed...well, the Woman was giving me chin and neck skritches about a week and a half ago, and she realized my collar had rubbed some fur off, so she took it off and declared it's time for a new one. She ordered me THREE new collars and they got here already, but she's not putting one on me until my fur grows back. Then I have to decide which one I want, and it's going to be a hard decision because they're all very spiffy. One is even NEON PINK!

Whatever I don't pick, Buddah will get. Not that he needs a new one, but if I get one, he gets one. Something about parity and fairness.


You know it's gonna be a bad day when

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/31/2014 12:10:00 PM


...your food tries to eat you first...

Oh Man...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/29/2014 08:03:00 PM


She's talking about boobie walking again.

Or maybe more like boobie waddling.

But my life is going to be pink again. And I'll have an excuse to say BOOBIES a lot.


I've been watching this kid for like 5 minutes

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/27/2014 08:14:00 PM


and he just can't get that cookie.

If people weren't so mean, they'd help him.

That's like keeping a crunchy treat behind clear glass and watching a cat try to get to it.

Something New!

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/21/2014 10:50:00 PM


I know it's hard to see, but I'm looking out a screen door. This is the first time we've had one on the back door in this house, and this is a really good night to test it out. There's a really nice breeze and it's cool outside, so the People have this door and the front screen door, and if I sit in the right spot I feel the wind going right over me.

Apparently while I was asleep in the totally wrong spot--the People were supposed to tell me when the noisy people got here so that I could go sleep in the closet, but no, they let me sleep in the other room right through it--the inspector dood and the screen door dood came and finished up the very last kitchen things. So we're done. Really done. The Man is even going to take down that screen door he put up in the hallway even though the Woman thinks it's a handy thing to have.

Yeah. She obviously likes locking us up in the back of the house.

In any case, I am going to enjoy the hell out of having a screen on the back door, especially this fall when it's cooler outside than inside.

But don't tell the People I said that.

They might think they actually got something right.


Posted by Max | Posted on 7/17/2014 09:35:00 PM


When I overheard the People saying there will be MORE people in the house probably Monday.

Something about a screen door and a final inspection, but all I care is that someone else will be stomping through the house, disturbing my ongoing quest to do as much nothing as I can.

On the plus side, we're not eating in the bathroom anymore.

I suppose it was worth it.

The Woman as more pictures on Flickr [clicky here] including some before pictures. If you're her Facebook friend you've probably already seen them, but if not, feel free to peek.

The Man might regret doing this...she's already looking at the rest of the house and thinking about things she can change.

Bast help us all.

I'm so dizzy my head is spinning...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/15/2014 06:07:00 PM


Almost done...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/10/2014 10:14:00 PM


That's what the People say. The kitchen is almost done. The noise today was pretty bad--Buddah even hid under the bed--but when it was over we had counters.

Someone on Facebook wanted to see pictures, but the Woman said they weren't posting any until it's done so they can have it all WOW as if people really care, so then I was asked to post a picture.

Well, they won't give me the camera, so I drew one.

Click to biggify
This is pretty much like the one side of it looks right now. The yellow part gets covered up either tomorrow or Saturday, and there's some plumbing stuff and electrical stuff still to be done. But overall, it's pretty spiffy.

We're all tired and ready for it to be done.

Almost there.


Those evil popup ads...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/09/2014 10:07:00 AM


Thanks to Jennette Fulda, we now know what's been causing those giant popup, takeover ads...it's Sitemeter.

I've used Sitemeter for a bazillion years, but they've apparently gone to the dark side and are sending out these random, full window sized, annoying and unwelcome ads. So I'm going to remove the code for Sitemeter, because no one needs that chit.

This means my visitor counter will no longer be visible, but I'm not sure anyone ever looked at that anyway, so it won't be a huge loss. And I can see via the Blogger dashboard how many kitties are visiting every day.

Those of you who have gotten caught up in the popup ad loop, I'm sorry...but at least we seem to have an answer now.

Unacceptable. Simply unacceptable.

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/05/2014 02:39:00 PM


All right, so a lot of you guys know how Facebook has been deleting profiles that they realize are cats, right? Because apparently Facebook is for people and not pets...but pets can have a non-personal type page where they get "likes" instead of "friends."

Okay, fine, I don't agree with it but whatever. I still have my personal page, but a while back I created an Author page so I would still have a presence on FB, and it seemed like a good idea (since FB has ramped up the deletions) to start using the Author page.

Now, Buddah converted his personal page to a Community page a few months ago, and he posts to that a lot. Which is fine...except he has more Likes on his page than I do. I'm trying to get all the people and kitties who are my friends on my personal page to click Like on my author page, but a lot of them haven't...but still, how the heck does Buddah have more Likes than I do???

If you're on FB, even if you're my friend on my personal page, PLEASE go like my Author page. I'll be using it more than the personal page, and I need the Likes, dangit! I can't let Buddah win!

Please and thank you.

In other news, we didn't have any noisy people here Thursday or yesterday, so other than all the noise from people exploding their hard earned cash outside last night, it's been nicely quiet. I'm enjoying the break from being locked up in the back of the house. It all starts again on Monday, but the People think that it will only be a few more days. There's not much left to do to the kitchen, just some trim work, installing some lights, the counters, and the backsplash tile.

No, don't ask me what any of that means. All I care about is that it means more people in the house, and I am opposed to more people being in my house.

I don't mind all the extra treats we've been getting, but yeah, I'm tired of the noise, the people, and the whole house not being clean enough because of it all.

Really...this place is gross right now. And seeing as how the Woman is a horrible housekeeper, that's saying a lot.

It just keeps getting better...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/02/2014 07:34:00 PM


The noisy people were done a little early today, so the People left the house about half an hour later, and when they came back...


It was a little more equal that it looks because the Woman shuffled some steak off one plate onto the other, but it was still enough that I couldn't quite finish. I know, imagine that. Buddah's like a vacuum cleaner, so he ate the last little bit.

If I understand right, there won't be any noisy people here again until Monday, so we have 4 days of not being locked up, though I'll probably hang in the closet some anyway, since that's what I like to do. And the Woman says the kitchen is close to being done, so there won't be too many more noisy days even after this weekend.

I'm looking forward to the quiet, though I am going to miss the extra treats. The treats have been really nice. Plus, Buddah has really been clinging to the Woman, like he finally understands she's one of his safe places to go. I think that made them both happy...maybe it means he'll leave me alone more now.