Where Have I Been This Time?

Posted by Max | Posted on 4/01/2015 10:00:00 AM


I know, I know; I'm a bad blogger. Most days there's just not a lot to write about, because I spend a good part of my days doing the same things: bug the Woman for food, nap, bug the Woman to help me write, bug her for food, nap, poop, repeat. It just seems like every time I sit down to blog I'm repeating things I'v said a dozen times, so I go eat something and take another nap.

But yesterday I did something totally out of the realm of normal. I've been telling Weezer for about 2 years now that I would take her out for a date on the second Tuesday of next week, and even though yesterday was the first Tuesday, I decided what the hell. She was never going to stop pestering me, so I took her out to enjoy a movie and some popcorn, and then dinner after.

And guys. She's really special. She didn't bug the crap out of me during the movie and even offered to pick up the tab at dinner, she told a lot of funny jokes, and she thinks Buddah is a sandwich and a half away from a full picnic, too.

There is no letting a girl like that get away. So I borrowed the Woman's topless car and we drove 3 hours to Nevada, where I paid an Elvis impersonating minister to officiate at our wedding.

I'm a married man now, doods.

We haven't worked out the living arrangements yet, but I'm pretty sure she's going to come here since I really don't like going outside.

We'll have a housewarming party soon. I'll let you know the details when we decide.

She got the answer right, but it was the wrong question...

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/25/2015 12:34:00 PM


This was not today. But I would like it to be.
Okay, so a little while ago I looked out the window, and could see that the leaves in the big tree outside were, like, dancing, and that means there's a nice breeze. I enjoy a nice breeze, so I marched over to where the Woman was sitting, and asked her to open the door.

Now, I expect to have to ask things 5 or 6 or 100 times before she listens, but this time she looked at me and said "All right" and she got up...

...and headed into the kitchen, where she got me some crunchy treats.

Clearly, she has learned: the correct answer to any question is a handful of crunchy treats.

But I'd still like her to open the door.


Posted by Max | Posted on 3/24/2015 01:31:00 PM


The Man has a tummy ache today; normally this would not concern me, but I was going to nap on his bed because the order of things is that once he's up in the morning, that bed is mine for the rest of the day, but then the Woman told him he might feel better if he laid down for a bit, and now my nap spot is taken and I don't like that one bit.

There's another room with another bed...why couldn't he go curl up and be miserable on that one instead? Freaking inconsiderate people, cripes...


Posted by Max | Posted on 3/21/2015 08:53:00 PM



The One Where I Nearly Starved To Death. Twice!

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/20/2015 12:52:00 PM


The People hung around the house yesterday, being giant pink blobs. That's nothing new. That's so normal that I didn't think anything about it, and took my naps in all my favorite snoozing places. I didn't even think anything when the Woman put real pants on, and when they both left the house around 4:15, because they do that once in a while, too, and sometimes come home with real live fresh dead meaty things.

But yesterday they left, and didn't come back.

They didn't come back for FOREVER.

I know it was forever, because when 7:30 dinner time rolled around and they still weren't home, I started counting, and when the counting got to high, that was forever. When 8:30 rolled around, that was forever AND mean.

By 9:30, I was feeling faint and and twitchy, and I was so thin my furs were hanging off my bones like a bad winter coat. It was so bad, I started to contemplate eating dry food. DRY FOOD.

They finally walked in and fed me at 9:45, which was only 15 minutes from snack time. I ate my dinner, and then went into the living room to inform the Woman it was time for our snack. She told me no! As if skipping snack was acceptable!

No, you just ate.


I thought maybe she was kidding, so I waited in the chair next to hers, and eventually she got up, but it was not to give me my snack. It was to go to bed.

I had to wait until 4 am to get a snack, and that was from the Man. He said it was a shut-up snack, but I don't care what it was, it was LATE.

And then?


He closed the bedroom door, so that I could not wake the Woman for breakfast at 7:30. I did my best, sitting outside the door and calling for her, but I grew weak from hunger and I don't think she could hear my tired, food-needed pleas. She didn't feed us until 9 o'clock.

Doods, I am lucky I survived.

And all that because she went and got another tattoo that's not of me. So, so rude.

Happy 10th, you little black furball

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/15/2015 10:42:00 AM


Yep, he's 10 years old.

That's an entire decade, and in a few week that means he's been a pain in my asterisk for AN ENTIRE DECADE.

He bites, he jumps on me with no reason or notice, he scratches, and he's unintentionally mean (really, I don't think he knows his behavior is often inappropriate) but for some reason the People still like him.

Today he gets to nap on MY tower in the Woman's office, and he gets a new nip toy when he wakes up. Plus. I did some stealthy shopping on Amazon and tomorrow he gets a new nip banana...I think he's ok with his present being late.

Happy birthday, Buddah Pest.

Friday the 13th!

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/13/2015 06:32:00 PM


I dunno why people think Friday the 13th is unlucky...I got steak today.




Freaking lucky, if you ask me.

If this looks familiar, you saw it on Facebook...*

Posted by Max | Posted on 3/10/2015 05:23:00 PM


The time change has thrown me off my game...last night I didn't even ask for my 10 pm snack; at 10:30 the Woman looked at me and asked if I was hungry. This morning, the Man was up before I was and I had to scramble down the hall to make sure that I didn't miss breakfast. I'd complain, but having light at the end of the day seems to make the Woman happy, and I'll adjust. Maybe.

*The FB in the sidebar just isn't working for most people. I'm not sure why; you don't need a FB account to read it, but it seems simpler to just cross post  to the blog. So if you also have me on FB, you'll see things twice.

I will still have content original only to the blog. Especially once I am not so blog-blocked...


Posted by Max | Posted on 2/19/2015 10:30:00 PM



Okay, so, maybe not here since I haven't blogged in for-freaking-ever, but here. In the comfy chair. In my house, where I have the fireplace and noms and no real reason to do much of anything other than be awesome.

If you miss me when I go for a while without blogging, you can look to the right and there in the sidebar are the things I'm posting to Facebook. They go from there to Twitter to here, so if you click on them you might need a Twitter account to see the whole thing. I don't know, I haven't tried it without Twitter or Facebook. But it's there!

But the real time hog...work discussions with the Woman. I want to write another book. She says I'm pretty well tapped out. So I said, well how about what you do? I can do that. And she was all, you want to write fiction? And I was like, hellz yeah!

Ok, so we sounded more normal than that.

Or I did. She rarely sounds normal.

So I pitched an idea to her. And she actually liked it! But she's not sure about the marketability of cat-written fiction.

Maybe we could co-write.

I really want to write this. Depends on if anyone would read it.

Whatcha think, doods? Fun-funny idea, or stupid?


Posted by Max | Posted on 2/03/2015 04:58:00 PM


I stole the picture from Jeni's FB page
You guys know Jasper McKitten-Cat and Josie and Maggie and Huggy Bear, right?

They do a lot of stuff to raise money for Multiple Sclerosis--like 50 miles walks and 100 mile bike rides--and in about a month they're doing the MS Challenge Walk. It's kinda like the boobie walk the Woman does, but for MS. Three days, 50 miles.

That's a lot of miles.

They each have to raise $1500 and have a ways to go. So if you want to help in the fight against a pretty awful disease, AND reap a tax deduction AND get good karma, pop on over and donate a few bucks if you can afford it.

If you can't afford a donation, sharing their pages would be just as good!

Almost intercepted it...

Posted by Max | Posted on 2/02/2015 06:37:00 PM


Oh yeah, I said the D word over and over and over...

Posted by Max | Posted on 1/28/2015 12:47:00 PM


The People have a couple of Dammit Machines set up in the library. Some day I expect they'll morph into Coat Racks, but for now they're Dammit Machines.

Now, they've had the one closest to the window for a long time; the Woman uses it when she's practicing her walking for Boobie things and doesn't feel like practicing outside. That's not often, but she does use it once in a while, especially if it's really cold or raining.

The Dammit Machine closest, that's new. The Man got it for her right after Christmas, because she thought she would enjoy pedaling to nowhere and playing on Facebook while she did it.

Now, last year she went on a bike ride outside on her real bike, and barely made it home before she passed out, so I felt obligated to snoopervise her today while she sat on it and surfed Facebook. I mean, if I didn't, who would be there to mock her in her misery if she did faceplant right off it?

I'm not stupid, though. I watched her feet going around and around, and while I needed to be there for her, I didn't want to get hurt by a giant foot slamming into my head.

So I pawed at the blue plastic tomb, which lives right next to her fake bike, and she reached down to open the door for me. EVen though I was erfectly safe in there, it was still kind of noisy what with her pedaling and the fan blowing on her and the TV going, so I kept talking to her.

Whatcha blabbing about, Big Guy? she asked

Nothing. I was blabbing about nothing. I was just saying dammit over and over, because...dammit, that was a lot of noise.

She was only on it for half an hour this time because she said her feet and butt went numb, but supposedly she's going to get back on it later, because, and I quote, It beats the hell out of housework.

That's how lazy she is, doods. She will get on a Dammit Machine and sweat rather than get off her asterisk and clean anything.

I better go take a nap, so that I'm ready to snoopervise again later.

Damn, my life is hard.

The People went to Disneyland...

Posted by Max | Posted on 1/27/2015 05:18:00 PM


...and what did they bring back for me?

NOTHING, that's what they brought back for me. I expected some real live fresh dead mouse or duck or even Goofy, but no. Not a freaking thing.

In fact, when they came home with so much nothing for me, I had to give them a good hard stare.

Oh, the Woman said they had a lot of fun once they got to go into the parks and they rode all the rides they wanted and walked a bunch of miles every day, but she didn't eat all the food she wanted because she can't eat a big meal and then walk around, but that was fine. She had a couple of good dinners.

That doesn't do ME any good.

Now see that? That came off a damned big bird. I bet she could have gotten one for me, wrapped it in paper and stuck it in a plastic bag, and then brought it home for me. But she didn't even THINK about doing that.

No, she just went about her business, not considering the kitties left at home, drinking her red stupid drinks (even if they were blue) and riding her rides and talking to new people.

I wasn't expecting much.

Just, you know, something to show she was thinking about me while she was off having fun.

Since I don't have any surprise gifts to show you, here's a kitty you don't want to mess wth,

You know you have the tough when even a bear is afraid of you.

Wow...didn't mean to go so long...

Posted by Max | Posted on 1/18/2015 05:02:00 PM


...and it'll be a bit more. The Woman and the Man are going somewhere tomorrow morning for a few days, and while I'll have the Grandma, I won't have computer access. 

To entertain you, here's a cat who can't find the exit. Maybe he'll find it before I get back.

Someday you'll stay up there, little woofy

Posted by Max | Posted on 1/03/2015 06:41:00 PM


Maybe lay off the pooch hooch, though...

Guys. Guys. Guys.*

Posted by Max | Posted on 1/01/2015 12:30:00 AM


I have not pooped since last year.


*Wendell, my man, I still miss you...

Keep going, little dood.

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/30/2014 04:57:00 PM


You'll catch it in no time.

Gutted, and leaking again...

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/27/2014 02:55:00 PM


Guys...I am so sad right now, and feel like someone kicked a hole right through my gut.

One of my oldest blogging buddies, Derby, went to the Bridge today. Man, this was so unexpected...like a couple days ago he was okay, and today he's gone. I'm leaking, the Woman is leaking, so I can only imagine how his mom feels and how Ducky is feeling.

He started blogging in 2005, so he's been at it nearly as long as I have. I've known him from the start and have loved him like a bro. I know a lot of you have known him just as long...

I love this picture of him. I stole it off his blog.
Coming on the heels of Beau Beau going to the Bridge, too, this is just a sad, sad end to the year.

Derby, my man, I will see you on the flip side. It has been an honor.

Merry Christmas!

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/24/2014 07:36:00 PM


When in doubt...

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/22/2014 05:19:00 PM


...go ahead, slap whatever's in the bag.