Posted by Max | Posted on 10/21/2014 11:56:00 AM


After being asked (politely) 63 times this morning, the Woman oozed out bed and shuffled into the kitchen to open a can for us. She then turned around and shuffled back down the hall, and oozed herself right back into bed, because Food O'Clock and Get Up O'Clock for her are two different things.

Well...about fifteen minutes later the Man woke up and came out into the living room, and it was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. We asked him (politely) for breakfast, and since he didn't know the Woman had just fed us (the plate on the floor was no clue, since it could have been a plate from last night), he nicely obliged.

Being all full and warm, I got sleepy, so I crawled under the bed to take a nap, and Buddah got on the top of the tower in the bedroom to sleep.

Then later, when the people were both up, I came out and asked for a snack, and because I was so nice about it I got a few bits of crunchy food. And that's when they started talking and discovered we'd played the Man for extra foods this morning.


Best one got mad. They thought it was funny and declared us to be sneaky and smart and totally deserving of the extra noms.

The other shoe did drop, though. From now on, after our nighttime snack they're going to pick the plates up and stick them in the sink if the dishwasher is already full, so that they'll know that if there's a plate on the floor, the kitties have already eaten.

Still. Score one for the kitties.

We totally rule this place.

At least I didn't pee myself...

Posted by Max | Posted on 10/18/2014 07:57:00 PM


All right, so early this morning I was being nice and quiet, curled up by the Woman's head because it was not quite food o'clock, and besides, the Man went to pass gas last night which meant he was going to be the one to open cans for us this morning. Buddah was asleep on the tower in the corner, his feet sticking straight up like a corpse, with his tail hanging over the side.

We we all nice and relaxed, sleepy-warm and happy.

Then out of nowhere, the Woman snorted so loud and so hard that Buddah jumped, I jumped, and she grabbed her own face and said several things off the Bad Word List.

But guys...I'm not really sure she even woke up. Her eyes stayed closed even while the heels of her hands were pressed hard onto her cheeks, and after a minute she sighed and her hands went back down, and she was definitely asleep.

I checked to make sure I hadn't peed--I couldn't care less if I whizzed by her head, I just didn't want any on my furs--and then jumped down, lest she go off like a shotgun again.

I didn't even see Buddah jet out of the room, but he must have because he was in the front room when I got out there and I had no explanation for him about what had just happened other than maybe she had tried to eat her own head from the inside out and the release of all that hot hair that swirls around inside her skull created a vacuum.

Tonight, I'm sleeping in the other room.

Posted by Max | Posted on 10/14/2014 06:27:00 PM


I am kind of speechless...

Dear Max, 

 I had to write to you because something occurred to me this afternoon and sharing it feels important. My son was always a non-reader, to the point that his grades were horrible. He hated homework, because that required he read; he hated classwork, because that required he read. We tried everything, to no avail, and because we are dedicated readers, this was heartbreaking. Then in 8th grade he was issued an ultimatum by a teacher he respected: read a book cover to cover and write a report, or you will be kicked off the baseball team and you will not pass English. That meant he would not graduate from middle school, and would not start high school with his friends.

I had a copy of your first book and, hoping that he would at least give it a try, gave it to him. He balked, because it meant doing his least favorite thing, but once he started it, he realized he could read it in 5 minute chunks, and that made all the difference in the world. It took him over a week, but he finished it and wrote his report. After that, he asked for your second book.

It was a springboard. Once he realized that every book out there wasn't a literary hurdle that he couldn't hope to jump over, he was willing to give other books a fair try. He started with short young adult books and worked his way up, until he found a love of storytelling I never could have imagined. The boy who thought reading was "stupid" now reads every day, and most recently finished Stephen King's Dark Tower series.

What prompted me to write? All those dots connected this afternoon, because he came home from school with a letter from his counselor: my once-stubborn non-reader is graduating from high school a semester early, and with honors.

This would not have happened without two very important things. One was a teacher who cared enough to put him in an uncomfortable position. But the other was having these wonderful books written by a cat who would take over the world if it didn't mean missing a few naps and meals of real live fresh dead things.

I cannot thank you enough, And please, share this with your friends and fans. You're touching the lives of real people, and I want them to know.

Best wishes,
Tereska Walsh

Totally am going to use this to get myself some extra crunchy treats...

Guys. GUYS! This HAS to happen!!!

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/30/2014 09:29:00 PM


I know I've asked you guys to donate to stuff before, but this time, I am BEGGING. Ok, so you know the Younger Human gets up on a stage in front of people a lot and tells lies to entertain them? It's like TV, but right there in front of people. And people really seem to love it.

Well, right now he's the president of the board of directors of Solano Repertory Theatre Company, and they are currently without a home theater, but they have a play to put on and to do it they have to rent the space. They're doing One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and there are a bunch of expenses involved aside from the rent.

So what they're going is an Indie GoGo fundraiser...any donation, big or small, will go a long way but this is what has to make this happen:


OhMyCod OhMyCod OhMyCod the world needs to see this.

PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease help.

I may wet myself with joy just thinking about it.


Posted by Max | Posted on 9/28/2014 12:26:00 PM


Well, clearly I can't take on the skwirrel, so I'mma gon' slap you instead...

Hey, did you win chit?

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/26/2014 08:44:00 PM


The Woman just drew the numbers for people who won prizes from her walk-thingy.

I know a lot of her donors were buds of mine.

Did you win?

I love this picture of me

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/25/2014 10:39:00 PM


I'm on the back of the Woman's chair here, looking at a picture of the Grate Jeter Harris Hizself that his Mom posted on FB.

Now, it was a stunning picture of Jeter's beautiful face, but I think the Woman captured a nice picture of me, too.

Sometimes we work this way. I relax on the back of the chair and tell her what thinks I need her to write down for me. I've been trying to dictat to her in a setting she finds equally relaxing, but for some reason she's getting upset that I'm telling her all my great ideas at 5 in the morning.

There's no winning with that Woman sometimes.

Thank Bast...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/20/2014 02:50:00 PM


I still don't know why, but the Woman got this brilliant idea to say that if she hit her minimum fundraising goal by 8 pm last night, she would put on clothes that are indecently tight and then let the Man video record her singing.

This was to no one's benefit, especially mine, as she realized she probably needed to see if she even can sing.

No. No, she cannot.

Last night 8 pm rolled around and she did not hit her minimum goal. It was close--just $270 shy of it--but doods I have never been so happy for a charity thing to fall short. Maybe now she'll stop singing altogether and I won't have to listen to that awful noise anymore.

Still, she needs to raise a few more dollars. And she has prizes. Anyone who donates before 8 pm next Friday (Pacific time) has a chance to win some fun stuff.

There's this thingy, which a person can wear on their wrist. It keeps track of the time, the steps they take, calories burned, plus it can connect to a smart phone using Bluetooth, so it'll buzz when a call or text comes in.

For some reason, I dunno why, people can also wear it in bed and the next morning it'll tell them they went to sleep.

Yeah, well...duh.

And she's holding the box between her feet in the picture, but I'm pretty sure she didn't foul it with her feet stink. I won't swear to it.

There's also this, and it's really spiffy. It's a table computer thingy and you can do a farkton of stuff on it. It's an Android tablet, which might--I'm not sure--mean that it'll function like that Data dood on Star Trek. Or maybe you can just watch You Tube videos and surf Facebook, but that's still pretty cool.

The Woman says there will be a few other smaller prizes, but these are the main ones. Every $5 you donate gets you a shot at winning, and if you already donated, you're good. You're entered.

I gotta tell you guys, you're really awesome. She went from not having any donations to be so very, very close in just a week, and you guys are the ones who got her there.

Thank you. It warms my black, furry heart.

I had to, guys...I just had to...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/18/2014 10:43:00 PM


While I was waiting PATIENTLY for my dinner, the Woman sat at her desk, supposedly doing things with her checkbook and bank account, and ripping a CD to her iTunes, when this...NOISE...came from her.

It was awful.

It hurt my ears.


So I jumped on her desk and did what any respectable cat would do when faced with this disturbing noise. I head-butted her right in the face.

Oh, she was all Damn, dood, I was only humming, but that didn't change the horribleness of it.

Guys. You know what humming is?


I think next time I'm going to have to asterisk-butt her in the face. That should stop it for good.

Aw, man, Mao...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/16/2014 10:21:00 AM


...who's gonna fill in for me on Ask Max Monday when I need a day off? No one else can do it like you do. No one else gets it the way you do.

Give Skeezix and the rest of our buds headbutts for me...and that's the only thing making me not leak like crazy--you're with Skeezix again, and that must make him 739 kinds of happy.

Fark it, I lied. I'm leaking.

I'll see you on the flipside, dood.

Oh me...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/12/2014 09:51:00 PM


She's singing.

The Woman is singing.

She's been torturing me with this for the last hour or so, and my head hurts. I've tried making her stop by yelling above the decibels of her wailing, I've jumped on her desk and stuck my face in hers and said sternly, "STOP!" and I've even head-butted her face.

Years ago, she did the same thing. She sat at her desk with music playing way too loud, and she tried to sing along with it. A few times I put my paws over her lips to stop her, but really the only thing that finally worked was the Man going to pass gas at night. That meant she had to be quiet during the day, when she normally blared awful music and howled along with it.

Tonight instead of watching TV, she sat at her desk, turned the music on, and began torturing me.

I kind of wonder if it has something to do with her own blog today. She's trying to get people to give boobie money, and for some horrible, awful, misguided reason she seems to think they'll donate if she promises to sing for them.

No one wins with that.

Plus, she says when she does she's going to wear one of these outfits:

Holy fructose, doods, that's going to be 397 kinds of wrong.

On the other hand, if she raises the money and sings one stupid song while dressed like one of those club-hoppers from Who Let The Dogs Out and people SEE and HEAR that chit, maybe she'll learn a harsh lesson and never sing again.

Oh, I can only hope.

Here's the deal: if she can raise just under $1000 by September 19 at 8 pm California time, she'll put the eye gouging spandex on, sing a song and video record it, and then put it online where everyone can point and laugh.

Oh! And if she hits that goal by then, she's going to fund DKM's walk, so there's that. That's a total win.

Please help me stop the singing. Your donations are tax deductible. Plus...there may be a prize or two coming; no promises but we always give stuff away so I don't see this year being any different.

My poor, bleeding ears...

What you missed by not being on Facebook...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/10/2014 12:16:00 PM


...cuz I know not everyone plays there...

On Saturday I watched Doctor Who, because that's what we do on Saturdays because IT'S DOCTOR WHO!

And then 3 hours later, we watched it again, because IT'S DOCTOR WHO. Sunday I needed to share this because sometimes I am immature, and so is the Woman:

We watched Doctor Who a second time last night and it was still weird but we still liked it and thought it was funny, especially when the Woman was all DID THE DOCTOR JUST FLIP OFF ROBIN HOOD??? And then she got online and other people saw it too and even got a picture of it. Doods, I totally less than 3 this Doctor...

And because the Woman is like 12 years old deep down, she shared the picture she found with everyone.


Ok, you can open your eyes now. 

And yesterday I shared a random think:

In general, I don't like the Peoples' rumbly bikes because they're loud and they take the People away for hours at a time, but I must say, when they come home they smell like outside things and I enjoy making the Woman uncomfortable by sniffing her for a good 15 minutes or so.

She really does smell of interesting outside things whens he comes home. Her legs especially smell like wind and sunshine and dead bugs and I think a little bit of scaredy-cat, probably because as she's zooming around on her rumbly bike she screams things like OMG I'M GOING TO DIE and GET YOUR FRAKKING CAR OFF MY BUMPER as well as a bunch of things off the Bad Word List.

Still, she likes it...and I do enjoy sniffing her until she tells me it's getting a little weird. And then I sniff for a few more minutes, because half the fun in doing it is weirding her out.

Oh, Man, it was golden...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/07/2014 08:08:00 PM


First, you have to see the picture.

This is the fake fireplace. No one ever uses it because it's fake. Plus, it's in the front room and I'm about the only one who spends any time in there.

Buddah likes being on top of the fake fireplace. This is important.

#1 - where Buddah was.
#2 - where Buddah wanted to be; there's a ledge where that blue line is.
#3 - where Buddah wound up.


He tried to jump from the fake fireplace to the ledge (he's done it a bajillion times before) but he didn't get enough lift or butt-spring or something, and he wound up in the water fountain.

No worries. The only thing injured was his dignity.

He didn't get just a little wet; his whole right side was soaked. He ran from the fountain, into the living room and then into the dining area and jumped on the table and stood there like he didn't know what to do.

At first the people were, "Oh, Buddah missed his jump" but then they saw all the water dripping off him and they were all "Oh, poor baby," and the Woman picked him up (which he allowed, most of the time he doesn't) and cuddled his wet sloppy self until the Man came in with a towel and tried to dry him off.

He let that happen, too.

When they set him on the counter and he started to slip because his paws were still wet, he let the Man pick him up so the Woman could dry his feet off.

That would normally never happen without blood coming out of one or both people.

Doods...I have to be honest. I watched this all happen and deep down, I was laughing.


Bonus: to distract him from his embarrassment (and he really was embarrassed), the Woman opened a can for us 15 minutes early.

AND I heard her ask the Man to build him another platform scratching post, so he would have an easier time going from the fake fireplace to the ledge.

It's kind of a disparity where cat things are concerned because he has WAY more than I do, but what the hell. It got us dinner early, and I bet it gets us treats when the Man actually makes it and brings it inside.

I think Buddah is still embarrassed, though, because he's curled up on top of his scratching post the Man made him a few years ago, and he never sleeps there.

No worries, I'll work on the Woman for a treat or two in a little bit. Maybe that'll help.

Doods! It's so simple!

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/04/2014 02:55:00 PM


We just have to get our people to eat at their desks! And if you let them see this, don't worry. They won't think "Oh, kitty will steal my food." They'll only think, "Man...I want pizza."

Been a bit blog blocked...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/31/2014 08:20:00 PM


...well, that and the People have been "busy" this week which seems to also mean "no significant computer time for Max," so I leave you with this to entertain you:

I'd play that game.

Oh, Sparkle...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/21/2014 10:20:00 PM


What are we gonna do without your wit and wisdom?

(photo taken from her FB page; I hope that's okay...)

The entirety of the Cat Blogosphere isn't going to be the same without you here. The literary world isn't going to be the same. You are going to be so very missed.

I'm pretty sure I'll catch you on the flipside, but for heart hurts. So I know your family's heart hurts even more. I hope they know thousands and thousands of kitties are out here purring for them, and hoping that the pain doesn't last too long and that the warm fuzzies settle in soon, so that they can think of you with all the smiles your beautiful soul deserves.

It's not goodbye. It's really not.

Damn, I'm nice.

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/19/2014 06:47:00 PM


Ok, so the Woman has a birthday next week. Like, one week from today. She turns about 143 years old, I think, but she can still get around mostly all right.

So the other night I was sitting on her lap, sharing the massive amount of available space with her computer, and she was surfing around, looking at things, and I had the thought that I really should get her something for her birthday. Because, you know, that's what you do for the person who opens the cans of food.

Now, you have to remember, the Woman is basically a dood with boobs, so shiny things like jewelry just don't cut it. I could get her a pair of sneakers and she would like that more than a necklace or bracelet. I don't know her exact shoe size, though, and a cursory glance on Amazon doesn't list "boat-sized" as an option, but I did note she kept looking at the same thing in different colors.

So I said, "Hey, go buy yourself something pretty. You can take the money out of my royalties."

She was so busy looking at the toy she coveted that I don't think she heard me.

"That," I sad, poking my paw at the monitor. "I have enough monies for that, right? Go get it for yourself."

So today she did.

I'm pretty sure that took all the money I had left for the year so I need to get my asterisk in gear and finish my current book so that I have monies for Toys for Tots this Christmas, or at least sell a bunch more books, but I'm pretty sure I can do that.

And she's happy. She liked her old rumbly bike but apparently this one has magic brakes or something, which makes it special.

Hell, I'm just glad I don't have to go outside to go shopping.

The struggle is real...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/11/2014 02:11:00 PM



Posted by Max | Posted on 8/07/2014 03:10:00 PM


Guys. Guys.

I found a new way to mess with a people. And it's something you can easily do, too.

Now, lately I have been napping under the bed. I like to change it up every now and then; for a few weeks I'll sleep in the closet. Then for a few weeks I'll nap in the Man's computer chair. Or on top of a climbing tower. But lately...under the bed.

So last night after snack I wiggled under the bed (because the Woman is old and ouchy, she has it on one of those low profile frames. Did she stop to consider the kitties? NO. She only thought of herself) and stretched out, and then fell into a comfortable, full-tummy slumber.

I sort of noticed when she went to bed; it creaked and moaned with her weight, but then she stopped moving so the bed stopped complaining, and I went back to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later, and unsure of what time it was, I just called out, "Hey, is it time for noms yet?"


When a person hears a cat meow from under the bed, it sounds all ethereal.

The Woman woke up, and blinked a few times, then muttered, "Holy $hit, Max. You sound like the Ghost of Kitties Past."

Or something like that.

I was too busy laughing at her confusion to make note of her exact words.

But do it. Get under the bed and meow at your sleeping people.

You'll totally sound like a Ghost Kitty, and when people are half asleep?

They'll lose their chit.

Report back.

What you're missing on Facebook...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/05/2014 07:25:00 PM


...if you haven't yet liked my author page:

On Friday, August 1, 2014


On Saturday, August 2, 2014

Man...after the sheer joy of the dinner the people had last night, because BACON, tonight while they were eating the Woman looked down at me--I was sitting on the floor nearby being very good--and said, "Sorry, Big Guy. This has onion and garlic."
WHY? Why do people do that? Just get my hopes all high, thinking that maybe she's learning to cook the right things and she goes and makes DEATH for dinner.

On Sunday, August 3, 2014

All right...I sat there nicely while the Woman ate a ham sandwich for lunch; I followed the rules, I was good, and she offered me a taste. But she fouled it with pickles, so I didn't want to eat it. She didn't make a fuss, she just picked it up, tossed it out, and gave me crunchy treats, and while she was at it she put a few on Buddah Pest's plate on the counter.
Well, the little chit wandered out about 20 minutes later and discovered the treats, and now he thinks there's some kind of crunchy treat magic going on here, and refuses to accept that it was my good behavior that scored him the noms. I think I need to just ignore him the rest of the day...

 See? See? You want to visit me on FB! [ clicky right here! ]

Besides, Buddah STILL has more likes than I do, and that's really starting to chap my asterisk.

Other things you might have missed...well, the Woman was giving me chin and neck skritches about a week and a half ago, and she realized my collar had rubbed some fur off, so she took it off and declared it's time for a new one. She ordered me THREE new collars and they got here already, but she's not putting one on me until my fur grows back. Then I have to decide which one I want, and it's going to be a hard decision because they're all very spiffy. One is even NEON PINK!

Whatever I don't pick, Buddah will get. Not that he needs a new one, but if I get one, he gets one. Something about parity and fairness.