Hey! We got some really spiffy hammocks from Forty Paws and that little black monster got to them before I did and he took the red one! I'm supposed to get the red one! I have the red collar, therefore anything red is mine.
He has the blue collar, he's supposed to get the blue one. How can he not understand the logic in this? It's, like, a LAW.
Oh, and to make things worse, when I went to file a complaint with the People, he got off the red one and got onto the blue one, and now both of them are all covered in Buddah funk. I want the Woman to wash the red one to get all that Buddah funk off, but she just sighed deeply and told me to get over it. WTH?
Maybe if I rub some kitty crack on it...if that doesn't get rid of his funk, at least I won't care after a good five minutes...
And because you're so special, you get a teaser look at the illustrations! Just click on the picture to see a full sized one.
It's not so easy to draw when you don't have opposable thumbs, but things are coming along swimmingly. And I'm contemplating my answers to all your very thoughtful and important questions. Truly, people all over the world will be better educated because you put so much thought into the things that you asked me.
Once things really get rolling and we're ready for edits, Buddah is even going to help out by holding down all the papers the Woman will have strewn about her desk. He's practicing right now by holding the newspaper down on the table.
I hope he doesn't expect me to dedicate it to him.
The People were outside this evening; the Man was taking another bath outside and the Woman was vacuuming it again, but this time she stood outside. I heard a lot of whining about how much stuff the wind blew into the giant tub last night and how it's going to take more than one cleaning to get it all. They really could avoid all that if they would just take their baths inside like normal people. But the thing that made me really question their intelligence was hearing the Woman ponder why frogs keep jumping into the pool.
Well duh. Frogs like water.
The frogs need to find a better water source, though, because they can jump in but they can't get out, and evidently they can't swim for days on end. The Man has pulled 3 dead frogs out, but tonight he rescued one, and that made them happy.
And last night...major wind storm. The whole house was shaking and Buddah went nuts he was so scared. He even woke the Woman up with his royal freak out, and ran crying to her like a little girl. I would have made fun of him, but she took him back to bed with her, and by morning it didn't seem worth the effort.
But yeah, big brave I-Wanna-Be-The-Big-Kitty just about peed himself over the wind. I'll remind him the next time he decides to take me on.
A while back, the stabby lady at the stabby place told the people that I'm fat. Oh, she tempered it with the news that I didn't have to keep swallowing those horrible chunks all the time, but she said it all the same, and told the People that both Buddah and I should eat this other dry food instead of the Light Tasty Crunchy Food we were enjoying (though we still haven't forgiven them for taking away the Stinky Goodness...)
I didn't mind it too much at first, because the Woman mixed the new diet food with the Light food, but I realized last week that it was starting to taste like all diet food, and it was actually a little disgusting.
So I decided I only wanted the Light food, and I picked through the dish, piece by piece, looking for anything edible. And let me tell you, that's work. You don't really get enough to eat that way. And eventually the People notice, mostly because they're tired of all the food that gets left on the floor.
But yesterday...heh...the Woman decided I just wasn't getting enough to eat. And the she filled the dish with all Light food.
I ate. A lot.
I don't know if she's going to keep mixing the food but with more Light crunchy food, or go back to just Light food, but either way...
An entire article about ME in The Reporter! And it's an awesome article; you know something is awesome when the fact that I can poop at will is mentioned. And the lady that interviewed me us says I'm "sardonic." I'm pretty sure that means "amazing."
But most important: it's official. I am Blogging's Bad Boy. Phear me.
I hope people who read the article come to visit my blog. Then they can learn not just all about the Glory of Max, but the entire cat blogosphere. That's one thing the Woman didn't stress enough, about all the other blogging kitties and how much they try to help each other. Or how hysterically funny some of you are.
Now surely the Woman will open a fresh bag of crunchy treats and give me at least half of them. I deserve that much, right?
If she won't, that's all right. I know where she keeps them and I can pry open that drawer with my mighty paw. I think that bag might have to meet a toothy death...
Is it just my People? Does anyone else have people that apparently whip up a batch of Stupid and feast on it for lunch? Because I'm pretty sure that's what mine did today.
For whatever reason, there's a giant bathtub in the back yard. It was here when we moved in, so I didn't immediately make the connection to it being there to the intelligence of the Man and the Woman. Whoa, thinking about it, there's two outside bathtubs. One is freaking huge and the other is smaller but it bubbles. So that's twice the weirdness out there, but that still doesn't explain my people.
Today they both went outside and took baths in the giant tub. With most of their clothes on. Odder yet, I think as the Woman was taking her bath she vacuumed the inside of the giant tub. I chit you not! I watched her from the window--she hooked that sucker up and walked back and forth, looking down as she worked. And even more baffling...when she was done bathing and vacuuming they covered the bath tub with a blanket. It's over a hundred freaking degrees out there! It's not like it's going to get cold or anything!
When she came into the house I was by the door and she said, "You're not going out there. It's not for kitties."
Seriously...it had to be something they ate, because I can't think of another explanation.
Buddah and I were minding our own business, being good and ignoring each other, when we both heard the top pop on a can of Stinky Goodness. STINKY GOODNESS! That which has been withheld from us for FOREVER. We looked at each other, jumped up, and ran into the kitchen, where the Woman was standing there with the can in her hand.
And then you know what happened? Do you? I can hardly believe it happened. SHE ATE IT. The Woman had a can of wonderful Stinky Goodness, she opened it up, and she spread it on bread and SHE ATE IT.
Look, people, Stinky Goodness is CAT FOOD and not people food. It is really not fair to open a can when you've refused it to your kitties for months and months, and it's doubly not fair for you to waste it by spreading it on bread and then telling the kitties, "It's just chicken spread."
We're not blind. We know what Stinky Goodness looks like. We have a keen sense of smell and know what it smells like. And Woman, today you ate a can of Stinky Goodness and you only gave us each a tiny lick of it.
That was mean, and that was rude, and tonight while you sleep something of yours will meet a toothy death.
All right, for Mother's Day--even though the Woman is technically NOT my mother--I let her sleep in. Let me tell you, that was difficult for me to do, because she has this nice (ok, as nice as you can get on the cheap from BigBoxStoreOnline) new headboard that looks like of like a bookcase and it's like it was made for me to sit on top of...and, well, while I sit there I can reach down and poke her face with my paw. But I didn't, not this morning. I wanted to, at the very least I wanted to get p there and pull the curtain open because that just annoys the bejeebers out of her, but I didn't. I let her sleep in.
That's how wonderful I am. I think I deserve crunchy treats for my thoughtfulness. edit: I made an LOLcat picture.
I think you can actually rate it here but I'm not sure...
Ok, now honestly, I did not intend to squish the Woman's sandwich with my butt, but really, she shouldn't have placed it on her desk, right where I sometimes sit to stare at her. And the whole throwing it away...all she had to do was brush a few straw hairs off. And pick a few embedded ones out of the bread. It was perfectly edible, but no, she tossed it out like it was trash. What a waste.
Dooooods! You know what happened today? People from the newspaper came into my house and took my picture and INTERVIEWED me!
Well, all right, they talked to the Woman, who was all fumbly and could barely utter a coherent sentence and was generally a royal disappointment to me with her hems and haws and inability to think straight, but still. They came because of ME. Finally, the world is coming to understand and embrace the glory and awesomeness of MAX.
Of course, I graciously allowed the man with the camera to take my picture and did not try to poop on his shoes, even though that's pretty much how I feel when the People aim that flashy box at me. AND...I allowed Buddah to be photographed, too.
Once that was out of the way I retired (see how polite I am...polite kitties don't just walk away, they "retire" to another place) to upstairs where I could still hear them and keep an eye on things, but I am a considerate kitty and know when it's best to take a step back.
(No, I did not run upstairs because I was afraid or anything. I'M POLITE, dammit. CONSIDERATE.)
The article probably won't run until the 18th or so. This is good, as I need time to prepare for the many new minions very nice People who will visit the blog and learn to do my bidding learn all about the Cat Blogophere.
Oh! And you know how they found me? It was because of the article written by the soon-to-be-a-Pulitzer-winner Alexandra Horowitz; it went out over the newswire and the paper here picked up on it because she mentioned where the Woman lives.
If I become rich and famous, I think I'll have to give her a cut. Like 1% of 1%. Or a bag of Cheetos. But then she has to give me back a Cheeto or two, because I really do like to lick the cheese off of those.
The Woman will probably expect something, too, but honestly, just living with me should be reward enough.