June 03, 2006

My next book isn't going to be an expanded blog. No, my next book is going to be Stupid Things Stupid People Say.

Really, when you think about it, our people tend to carry on the most inane conversations with us they possibly can. They think they know what we're saying to them, but they're not listening, not really, so they jabber on, as if anything they say is remotely related to the subject at hand.

Like the whole bee incident. I warned her, but was she listening?

And yesterday. Buddah was downstairs and the Woman was upstairs, and he couldn't find a mousie to play with, so he called out, "Can someone help me find a mousie?"

She leaned over the rail and told him to come upstairs.

He wanted a mousie, and none of them were upstairs, he knew that much. But she kept insisting; come upstairs and I'll pet you. You can sit on my lap. I'll pay attention to you.

All he wanted was a mousie! And he was asking nicely! But she kept blabbering on and on about coming upstairs to get petted.

Look, people, if a kitty is at the bottom of the stairs calling up to you, it means he wants you to come down and get something for him, something he can't reach or can't find. If he wanted you, he would come upstairs and jump in your lap and get his face right into yours until you started petting.

And then there was this morning. The Woman was still asleep and my tummy was rumbling. She has the thumbs, so I was trying to wake her up. And I was nice about it, I didn't stomp all over her or bite anything; I simply sat by her head and said "I'm hungry."

She rolled over and grunted, so I stepped to the other side of the bed and said, "Buddah is hungry, too."

Go away, was all she had to offer.

"Can't you get up long enough to feed us? You can go back to bed."

"Max," she sighed, "I am going to ignore you."

"Feed us first, please."

And then she covered her face! She had a shirt nearby and she used the sleeve to cover her face, and she went back to sleep! No "Oh I'm sorry you're so hungry." No "It's almost time to eat,I'll get up then." No "the Man will be home in 20 minutes and you can eat then." She just went back to sleep!

Really, I'd write that book if I thought the people buying it could comprehend their own lack of intelligence.


Maybe it's just my People...

Oh, I could totally write that, and let the rest of the world laugh at them.

No comments: