Today is a better day

 

After yesterday and feeling like total krap because of those two absolute jerkwad units, we feel better. We're still not happy but we felt every bit of Mojo y'all wished and it helped a lot.

I think what helped the Woman the most was typing out the things we both needed to say. She's had an undercurrent of guilt, peppered with some doubt. Like, what if? What if the decision was made too soon? Why did it have to be that day? Why not one more?

The people had been saying out loud, "he's just not eating" but as we sat here and wrote, the truth bubbled up. It's not just that he wasn't eating. He was starving. And to let that go on would have been cruel.

If the meds he was on were going to work, they would have by then.

Everything settled with her after that. The doubt slipped away. So she thinks that while it hurt, the accusation was actually a blessing. It made her face things, and accept things, and while she's still sad, she's okay.

I think I'm okay, too. I keep looking for him, even though I know he's not here. I peed on the blanket he'd been on just before he left. And now I'm sleeping on his favorite cat tree, though not in his favorite spot. I probably would, but he liked the top level and it's just not safe for me to make that leap, and I know it.

For some reason it made the Woman happy to see me there. She and the Man almost took both cat trees out of the house on Thursday but just weren't ready, so now she's doubly glad they waited. I haven't used the other one yet, but they're leaving it in place to give me a chance to use it, too.

I'm making an effort to be not so grumpy because they really don't need that right now. I even got the Woman to laugh at 3 o'clock this morning. She woke up and got out of bed when she heard food calling to her, specifically cinnamon toast, and I jumped onto her lap and started eating it from the other side she was biting into.

The big surprise was that she didn't stop me.

BTW, cinnamon toast is awesome and if you haven't had any, get some. I have high hopes for a few more bites tonight.  

I'm a couple kinds of mad right now, guys

Like, the kind of mad where it would be easy to blow up at someone and start this nasty grudge thing, slinging litter box contents at each other online, where other people get in the crosshairs. But I'm going to do the petty thing instead, and blog about it, where the instigator has no real recourse because I've already blocked them on Facebook and will delete any comment they make here. Because I'm mature like that.

I'm probably going to use things off the Bad Word List. Fair warning.

To paraphrase... "You knew Buddah was sick and that's why you released Interview With a Pest when you did. That's unfair. Because if you didn't know he was sick then you didn't give him enough time before you had him put down, and either way, that makes you awful."

No, we did not know Buddah was sick when the decision was made to release IWAP ahead of schedule. The biggest reason for that push was because everyone feared *I* was going to die soon; we had no idea about Buddah. We were all counting on him being here for years after me. What would have been unfair, I think, was publishing it when planned, in December, had I died before then. That seems like rubbing salt in a whole bunch of wounds.

We had fewer than ten days with Buddah from the day we learned how ill he was until the day we let him go. We had less than two weeks from the day he started throwing up and when he stopped eating. At the beginning of 2020, he weighed 16 pounds. In August, he weighed 13. The day he was diagnosed, he weighed 12. The day he died, he weighed under 10.

Could we have given him a few more days? Maybe. But at what cost to him? He couldn't make himself eat, even on an appetite stimulant, and even though he clearly wanted to. 

Buddah was starving to death. How much more time should we have let that go on? Days? Weeks? 

He was stumbling. He fell from the back of the recliner and was lucky he didn't break his neck. He sat on the floor and we could see his entire upper body pulse with each heart beat.

Did he deserve to go through more days of starving and feeling horrible, just so we could keep him?

We wanted him to live, but the awful reality is that he was never going to get better, and he was starving. The past few days I've been wandering around the house, looking for him, smelling him, peeing all over everything because I cannot find what I'm looking for. I'm super old, too, so half the time I'm not even sure what it is I'm looking for, just that it should be there and it's not.

My people are broken, so how fucking DARE you suggest they let him go too soon. 

And to the twatwaffle who suggested to the Woman that she wanted me to die instead of him...go crawl up inside your own ass.

She didn't want either of us to die. The reality is that I probably will soon and she hasn't even come to terms with that, so your suggestion was about as hurtful as it gets, and I am having a very hard time not wishing horrible things happen to you.

I accept that those kind of thoughts sip through brains--did they do enough, could they have done more--but holy pope on a pogo stick, those are the thoughts you don't say out loud to the ones who are hurting. Keep that shit to yourself, and let us grieve.

Doods...damn

 

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to go first, to wait at the Bridge for him. I practically promised him, and even though we talked about the possibility he would go first, no one believed it.

Buddah was the mischievous little boy, always the baby cat no matter how old he was. Even a couple weeks ago he played THoE by himself, racing down the hall into the office and up the bookcases to the top of the TARDIS. His downturn was so sudden, so unexpected, that it feels wrong and unfair. But he tried hard; he took the medications even though they tasted bad and he only bit the Man once. He tried to nibble the food they set down for him, despite feeling nauseated. And last night and today he snuggled with the People, going back and forth between their laps.

I stayed out of the way, because this was not my time to interfere.

Earlier today he fell off the back of the recliner, and since he’s been unsteady on his own feet—the Woman took UP away from him last week because it was no longer safe—and when she heard herself tell the Man that they needed to take the cat trees away so that he wouldn’t climb them, she knew.

It took a few hours for it to really sink in, though. He spent the afternoon under a bed and turned his nose up at snack, which meant he’d had maybe half an ounce all day, and he didn’t eat much more than that yesterday. He’s been on an appetite stimulant and nausea medication, but it wasn’t enough to beat down the pain in his belly. But the way he sniffed at it and then turned away made the Woman say the words out loud. We have to let him go.

They understood that we’d reached the point where doing anything more was for us and not him. So the decision was made to let him begin his journey to the Bridge, and the stabby guy did not want to make him wait any longer, either. So this evening at about 5:40, Buddah exhaled one last time and headed off to meet Hank and Dusty, and to see all out friends who have gone before us.

Doods…if you read our last book, you probably got the sense that he and I had finally made our peace. And we had. He stopped picking on me and I stopped running away from him. Last night, we drank from the fountain at the same time.

I complained about him all the time, because he was a furry pain in my asterisk, but doods…he was glorious.

And dignified...

Buddah Needs Mojo

If you follow my author page on Facebook, or the Woman's personal feed, you already know why Buddah needs mojo. So I'll copy her post here, so you know what's going on with him.

He has a shaved tummy and is still loopy from the sedation he got today, but he ate a lot a little while ago--stabby dood gave him an appetite stimulant--so right now we're just hoping he keeps it down. Tomorrow the people can pick up the steroids that we hope will reduce the obstruction so he feels better, and then they just have to keep an eye on him.

We just didn't want anyone to be blindsided if he gets really sick, and he could use the Mojo.

He's been pretty good to me lately, not bugging me, and he stays out of my room so that I can rest and eat without worrying what he might do. I'm gonna stay out of his way, too, but I'm not going to complain when he poops on the floor right in front of the litter box anymore. We kinda need to see it, so I'll shut up about that.

Just...think good thoughts for him. He's a pain, but he's our pain and we want him to be comfortable.

Today is a quiet day...

Oh, and I got a new nip banana!

I've spent most of today either in my room or in the closet, and a bit of it tucked into a space near the Man's computer chair. I wandered out for food and water earlier in the day, but by morning snack I wasn't feeling like it, so the Woman has been bringing food to me. I'm eating, so she's not worried; it's just one of those days.

She says she was pretty sure that I'd be kind of quiet today. I spent a lot of time in the living room yesterday, and I lounged on her lap for a while. I would have spent more time there watching Enterprise with her, but I got something in my eye and was rubbing my face, which prompted her to try to wash eye boogers off the side of my nose, and, well, I wasn't having any of that.

If she'd left it alone for five minutes, I would have gotten it myself.

There's a lot of smoke and ash in the air here. The fires (and there are a lot of them) are far enough away that we're not in danger from them, but the People have to keep the windows closed and the a/c on, but every time they have to go out, something gets in, so it's no surprise to get a fleck of something stuck where I don't want it to be. It could be worse...some of the Woman's friends have dogs who have to go outside, and they're having issues with coughing and irritation, and there's no real way to avoid it.

Then again, they don't have to deal with the Woman's whining about not being able to play outside. She's halfway through a charity bicycle thingy, and because of the smoke she's had to do a lot of it inside on her bike that goes nowhere, and she's starting to hate it. Well, lady, so am I, because that bike is loud and you're no fun when you're on it.

On the plus side, she raised over $2600 for childhood cancer research and treatment. But that also makes her more determined to get the miles in, and she said she'd do 300. Outside it would be a bit of a stretch as it is; inside, she says it feels like torture.

Suck it up, sunshine. It's just pedaling.

Oh, and those of you waiting for a print copy of Interview With A Pest...Amazon has it, which means other stores will soon. It's even got its first review on Amazon, and it's 5 star! Oh yeah, reviewer, you know who you are. Thank you. I got warm fuzzies from it.

Look! The Book Y'all Helped Write With All Your Questions

 

Last year, Buddah and I sat down and had a nice talk. It started as an interview--with most of the questions supplied by y'all--but after a while it turned into a conversation, and we just...talked.

This is it, the book where Buddah gets a say, and where the King of the Run-On Sentence maybe, just maybe, starts to listen.

Oh, and he wrote the afterword.

Like, he wrote it yesterday, the Woman jetted it off to the editor, and it made it into the book before it was took late.

The digital version is available now on Amazon for the Kindle and Kindle apps, and will start to propagate to other digital retailers soon. The print version might start showing up this weekend, but sometimes it's slower to work its way through the distribution system.

This is a little more than a conversation. There's also some writing advice for Buddah that extends to anyone who needs it, but most of all, some peace for us both.

The Woman Just Posted This on Facebook:

"The State of Max: All this week, he's eaten reasonably well. There were a few days when he didn't want to come out of the closet or his bedroom, but food was welcomed and he seemed pleased to see me bring it...though I was not allowed to remain while he ate. That's fine. I think he feels safest eating in the closet because he can take his time and Buddah doesn't bother him.

Yesterday and today he's been wandering out to the kitchen and the living room, and has been taking his meals in the kitchen. He's napped in the living room, yelled at the window by the front door, and forced me to put down my computer for lap time. Definitely a couple of good days in a row.

Switching his meds from oral to the ear gel has been a major factor, I think. Lowering the dose was huge. Right now, he's just acting like a very old man, and I don't have that feeling of impending doom. Really, the only worry in the last few days has been a what-if worry if we needed to take him out of the house for any reason, because of the smoke from all the fires nearby.

As long as he eats--even if he wants to hide in the closet--and seems happy to see someone bring food to him, I'm calling it a win. And I'm not overly optimistic, BUT...he's having some good days and the days that aren't good aren't horrible. So. Just an old, old man right now. And that's amazing."

Yep, I'm definitely having some good days, and today I even graced her with my patented GLARE because she interrupted a nap by announcing she was going to the store to buy more cat food. Now, I didn't need the announcement because I had ordered her to do just that half an hour earlier, so I would have known where she was if I'd woken up and she was gone. I mean...really.

Oh, and apropos to nothing... Buddah barfed on the top of every single one of those bookcases the other day. It was AWESOME. 

Doing ok today

Today was a stay-in-my-room kinda day...but I did eat really well. It's nice having my minions bring food to me.

Now, I get checked on a lot, and when a person comes in I always say hello (unless I'm deeply asleep) so they know I'm okay, just feeling antisocial, so no one was worried about me today. I really just like my room a lot. It's all mine, and Buddah tends to be respectful of that most of the time. Not ALL the time--he comes in once in a while mostly to see if there's any food--but he knows it's my room and is okay with that.

I did go out into the living room a couple times. Once, I went out, sat and stared at the Woman for a few seconds, and then went back to take a nap, because she always feels judged when I do that and I think it's funny. Later I went out to see if there was any steak for me, and there was. She heated it up for me and then stood and watched because apparently watching me eat is fun, but also to make sure Buddah didn't come in and chase me off.

The little freak doesn't even like steak, so I'm not sure what she was worried about, but I appreciate the effort.

Oh, yeah. I did this the other day, snuggled up to the Woman. She seemed to need it. I think my reputation can take the hit. Yes, I was affectionate. It happens.

Ok. Where Have I Been?

 Seriously did not intend to go so long between posts. Right after the last one I had an idea of something to write about, but then...well...I wasn't feeling too hot. In fact, I was feeling not so hot that the Woman took over my Ask Max Monday column to explain why I hadn't done one (go read it if you haven't; it has details) but the short version is that about a month ago, she was pretty sure I was about to die.

Since then, my life has been a roller coaster. I've had some really good days and some really bad days, and we all suspect this is how it's going to be from now on. I'm struggling with my thyroid medication--I can't live comfortably without it, but it's beginning to upset my system and it squashes my appetite, so the stabby person changed it from a pill to a gel that gets smeared on my ear.

They thought that would solve things, but it hasn't. It makes me feel just as bad when it's on my ear, so now they're looking into things to soothe an upset kitty tummy yet also wondering if I'm actually nauseated or what. I don't have the words to tell them what bothers me.

But mostly, I'm just an old guy. Sometimes I'm hungry, sometimes I'm not. Some days I want to go into the living room to see people and ask for food, but more and more I'm staying in my bedroom and waiting for them to bring food to me. And on days I just don't feel well, I go hide in the bedroom closet. They bring food to me but on those days all I really want is water.

Still...the Woman says we're not near the day where That Decision has to be made. I perk up when someone comes in to see me, even if all they have for me is water. I talk to them. And usually when they sit on my bedroom sofa, I grunt and then go into another room because I am still mostly antisocial.

Today was a good day.

I woke the Woman up at 6:30 in the morning by howling outside her bedroom door. She jumped out of bed just in case there was something wrong, and when there wasn't, she happily went to the kitchen to get breakfast for me (ok, she said she was happy to get it, but she kinda looked like hell...) and afterward I sat in her lap for a while. I've eaten decently throughout the day.

Tomorrow who knows? The people are very aware that just because I ate today, that means nothing for tomorrow, but they'll bring me things to drink and cans of stinky goodness and bites of steak and shrimp, and I might nom a bit.

I'm not sick, I'm really not.

I'm having issues with my meds, but mostly...I'm just old.

Last night, I got comfy and snoozed...

And there's nothing wrong with being old. It changes things a bit; people have expectations of the younger you and they want you to be as spry as you were, but sometimes a guy has to just sit back and snooze, and let everyone cater to (and guess) his whims. When you hit 90-100--and I hope you do--you'll probably sit around a lot, too. By then, you deserve it.

Now, before I had the really horrible awful weekend, we finished the final draft of the second Wick Shorts book, and it's in the final edit stage. The cover work is done. The publisher is, thankfully, rushing it to print, so it should be available next week. Maybe even this weekend.

It's not the last Wick book, but it is a nice capstone to this part of the Blackshear's tale. After this, after a break, the Woman will move forward with it, jumping forward in time. The original plan was to leave my name on the next series, but we're not sure if that will upset people if I'm not still around.

Oh, and if you read the first one...please leave a review at Amazon. There are, like, zero reviews and thousands of people downloaded it. No reviews can kill a book. 

I'll try to keep up with this blog, but you can usually get updates on my "official" Facebook Page (not so much my personal page...it got hard to juggle everything.)

Two points for Buddah

At precisely snack o'clock, the Woman opened a can, split it between two plates, and set one in front of me. Since I was tummy-rumbling hungry, I took a bite before sniffing, but then sat back and informed her it wasn't any good.

Well. She just walked away, as if she hadn't heard me.

Now Buddah was sound asleep and didn't hear the can open. But an hour later he woke up and stretched, then asked when snack time was. She heard this, picked him up and plopped him down on the counter in front of his plate, and then walked off to answer the call of nature, which happens at least 29.57 times a day.

It's worth reminding everyone that Buddah is not as polite as I, and after one bite he ran down the hall, and as she exited the bathroom he yelled at her, "Bitch, that chit is WRONG and we need something else."

Well. He could have used better words but he made his point. And she grasped his intention, and finally opened another can.

This one was acceptable.

And Buddah now has a potty mouth, and I couldn't be prouder.

Happy Birthday To Me

I've been celebrating all month because when you get this old, you get the entire 30 days, but doods...I made it another year.

I AM NINETEEN FRICKIN' YEARS OLD!!!

Now, I might have actually turned 19 a couple weeks ago; we're not really sure what my actual birth date is but the people picked the 20th, so here we are.

And tonight I get fresh steak! Fresh steak night is my favorite night of all. Except maybe for the start of a new Doctor Who season, and who knows when that will be.

All in all...I'm doing pretty well. I look a little rough sometimes and the Woman calls me her Raggedy Man, and I have days where I don't feel like eating much but I make up for it the next day. My back end is getting weak and I stumble a bit now and then. But doods, I am happy, I get a ton of attention, and I still really dig life.

That's not to say I'm sure I'll make it to 20. And I don't want anyone to tell me I will, and they hope I will, because if life stops being awesome, well, 20 isn't worth it.

But today is good. And today is what I have. And I freaking love it.

I was as unhappy as I look

Look at this. Look closely.

Can't see it?

ME EITHER.

That's how small the bite of chicken I was offered was. TOO SMALL TO SEE.

I was not amused.

Also, the Woman needs to mop that floor because it's gross and I don't want to eat off it.

In other news, she's threatening to wash my tail because there's something on the top, but I've been devious and cunning and have managed to thwart her attempts so far. Tonight there was a fresh real live fresh dead steak for me and I suspect she was going to try when I was happy and full of meaty bites, but as soon as I was done eating it I hid in a closet, so here we are at 10:30 at night and she still hasn't done it, so I think I'm safe until tomorrow.

Cripes, she needs a hobby.

Dooooooooods...

The people have joined the Quarantine Baking Club and have made bread a couple of times. The Younger Human has also brought them bread a couple of times. Now, they enjoy fresh bread like this nice and warm, with lots of butter on it.

I quite enjoy fresh, warm bread with lots of butter on it. I don't eat the bread, but I lick the everloving FORK out of that bread. So tonight after the Woman enjoyed some fresh, warm bread, she set the plate on the floor for me. And DOODS! It was amazing!

IT WAS BUTTERPALOOZA!

Buddah didn't get a plate, but he got to lick the butter knife, which is just as good.

Where has Quarantine Baking been all my life???

Um...I GOT STABBED

Do I look smug? The Woman says I look smug.

Ok, so I made sure the people had a little adventure today. And it was a spendy one, I heard the Man say, "well over four hundred" when the Woman asked him how much it had cost (they were not really complaining.)

Here's the thing. They took a bike ride this afternoon, and when the Woman got back (she was first, which tells me she's speedier) she came looking for me to offer to get lunch, and found me in my bedroom, on the floor (which is unusual because I prefer my sofas.) I was also drooling and panting. So she yelled at her phone I NEED YOU TO GET HOME and then the Man was there, and next thing I know I'm off to the stabby place.

It was so sudden I didn't even have the chance to tell them what had happened, and since they were too rude to ask, I decided I wasn't telling.

So.

Next thing I know, someone that is NOT the Man or the Woman grabbed my PTU and rushed me inside--and they made the People wait OUTSIDE--and then it was all poking and prodding and "Well, he's not doing it now" and they discussed what to do. Someone left for a few minutes and when she came back she announced that the Woman had actually taken video of me while I was panting and drooling, and she'd seen it and yes I was, so the stabby lady went outside to look at it, and apparently agreed that yep, they weren't exaggerating. And then I heard her say that the Woman was all, I don't care what the tests and x-rays cost, do it.

So they did it.

THEY STABBED ME.

And then they held me down and took a picture of my insides.

When all was said and done...my blood looked pretty good for a 19 year old guy with thyroid and kidney issues, and my chest showed no heart issues or fluid or anything. The stabby lady thought perhaps it was stress...at which the People looked at each other and growled Buddah.

So.

I got to come home and now I'm acting fine, and the Woman changed all the Feliway containers just in case. And there's talk about separating us when they're not home, because Buddah really is a jerk sometimes.

The important thing is that the stabby lady said that for a guy may age with my issues, I look pretty damned good. She was even surprised that I am only just now at stage 2 kidney disease with my thyroid problems. And even that hasn't changed much, that hadn't changed since my last checkup. I have lost more weight, but not as much as the Woman thought, only 1.5 pounds since last year.

Still. I'm 10.3 pounds now and I used to be almost 19. She kinda wonders if I would even be here if I hadn't been so heavy.

We'll never know.

BUT I'M OKAY. I'm not sure the People are because I heard the Woman say that she honestly thought I would not make it to the vet and I'm pretty sure she was making peace with the idea of what had to happen if I did...but why would I make it that easy on them?

It's like they don't even know me.

DON'T TELL BUDDAH...

...but we have some Fancy Feast dry food and the Woman has been sneaking it to me when he's sleeping.

(She's not trying to be mean...it makes him throw up but it's one thing she knows I'll happily eat and I'm down to 10.3 pounds, so I get what I want.)

Huh. What? Did someone say FOOD???

Finally...

Oh, look. It's a bouncing baby book! Now that most of y'all got it for free LOL it's starting to pop up at online retailers. Amazon has it I think Kobo has it. B&N, Apple, and others should follow soon. The print edition *should* have made an appearance, I'm not sure why not, but that part of things is in someone else's hands. But it should be soon, I think.

We're hard at work on book two of Wick Shorts...and there will probably only be two. And that's a good thing--and don't worry, it's not the end of Wick, but will lead into a new beginning later in the year.

In other news, today I managed to hock up a small hairball, small enough to be easily overlooked, and placed just where the Woman was sure to step in it. And doods, she totally did, it squished between her toes, and she was about 3 kinds of skwicked out by it. My day is made.

He was all kinda of awesome...

Bear in mind this is a heard from a friend of a friend kinda thing, but I was told today that Anthony Bourdain was a fan of my blog and even used my X levels/kind of Y thing on occasion. It makes me kinda sad that I didn't know that when he was alive. It also makes me happy...but I wish I'd known.

Sheesh. Weenie.

Ok, so I was in the front room, just got a drink of water and was thinking about bugging the Woman for something to eat, when the neighbor's yellow lab came up to the screen door. Now, I'm nothing if not polite and I headed over to say hello...dood took one look at me and then turned around and RAN AWAY.

I mean, I am an overwhelming amount of awesome, but sure he understood there was a security screen door between us, and I wasn't going to eat him.

Mine. All Mine.

One of the good things to come out of all the people isolating themselves is the serious limiting of shopping trips. When the people do venture out to get groceries, they're getting enough for at least a week, and this week they braved Costco to get meat.

They came home with two packs of ribeyes. Four steaks per pack. Now, the Woman is not a fan of having steak at home because she doesn't enjoy the smell and gags a little when she has to slice it up for me. The Man likes it, but out of those 8 steaks, he'll probably eat two, maybe three.

That leaves 5-6 steaks just for me.

No kidding. I get steak every day, twice a day. It's the first thing I get in the morning--though they're still really bad about getting the seeds out--and I get it again as a snack in the evening, and luckily there's usually only one seed in the 6-7 bites I get.

I'd complain, but...who wants to risk not getting steak because the people get annoyed?

And totally unrelated...a couple people asked when the print versions of Waiting to Inhale will be out. And the answer is...I dunno. We kinda jumped ahead of the publisher in putting out the digital version on Book Funnel when we were doing freebies, so it still hasn't really been "published." I would think it's soon, but I might be the last one to know.

I'll let ya know when I know...

=sigh=

Day 5,923 of the quarantine. The Woman is speaking to me as if I were a toddler. Apparently I have a mooshy wooshy cutie face and she wants to kissy wishy it. Fortunately, I also have death breath, which has saved me from several unwanted cuddles. I would complain further, but I am also His Widdle Starving Majesty, and Too Cute To Not Feed On Demand. Bast help us all.