June 06, 2014

OHMYCOD

Doods...what the FRUCTOSE did they do to my beloved Twinkies????


It doesn't look right and it doesn't smell right and I'm not finding out if it tastes right or not, but judging by the look on the Woman's face, this one needs to be labeled DO NOT WANT.

I'm really ticked off, because my mouth was all primed for the wonder of Twinkie, and all it got was disappointment.

June 04, 2014

Ugh

You know what today apparently was?

It was Hug Your Cat Day.

Do you know how much running away I had to do to get away from the Woman's arms extended in a zombie let-me-love-you intent to crush?

A LOT.

I am so glad this day is just about over. I need a nap. And a Twinkie. Hell, if she'd given me a Twinkie, I might have let her hug me.

June 01, 2014

Stinky Badness

Ok, so remember a couple of weekends ago when I sent you guys over to my Mousebreath column to tell me all about the high quality foods you like?

Well, the Woman read all the responses and went shopping both in the store and online and she got several cans of a few different brands for us to try. And for the most part, it's been a rousing success other than we like most of them which makes it harder for her to settle on one or two.

Last night was the first time we were getting a particular brand, and she was all oooh you'll like this because it's a big can and I'm going to let you have more than usual and so happy about it that I thought maybe she should eat it instead. I mean, she was damn near gushing over it, so she must have wanted some, right?

Well, she divided that can up and plopped my plate down in front of me, waiting with all these expectations that I would shove my face into it and scarf it down, but doods, I just couldn't do it.

That was not Stinky Goodness.

That was Stinky Badness.

Well? she asked. Aren't you going to eat it?

I sat down and looked up at her. No.

She turned to Buddah, who sniffed it and then walked to the edge of the counter to issue his opinion. It smells like asterisk.

Guys, she said, that stuff is almost two bucks a can.

I re-stated my negative answer, and Buddah started to cry.

She offered to top it off with a crunchy treat.

No.

I should get fed in a dish like this
With an affected huff of Fine, she picked the plates up and scraped the horrible stuff into the trash, and then opened a can of stuff we've assured her we not only like, but will inhale in hopes that we can get to the other kitty's plate to steal some before he's finished.

I don't know why she was out off by our refusal to eat it. I mean, that helped her narrow the field of choices, right?

In other news, since we started trying other brands, there has been no barfing, and she thinks the litter box hasn't been as foul, either. So far the front runners are Avoderm and Wellness, but we also really like Purina Pro Plan. So we might be getting a mix of the three, as long as neither of us shows an adverse reaction to something.

As long as we don't get another can of last night's horrible offering, I think I'll be happy.

Well, as happy as I can be living here with these people...


May 30, 2014

Hey. I was *GOOD*

Okay, so I've told you about the meal rule here, right? If the people have cooked for themselves and I'm very good and don't beg or jump on the table, I get a tiny taste when they're done.

So this afternoon I smelled cooking things and heard cooking things going on, and even though it seemed awfully early, I figured I better get my asterisk into the kitchen to be sure I got a tiny taste.

So I rolled off of a perfectly comfy bed and stretched--because one should always stretch right after a nap--and made my way to the table, where they were already scarfing down the noms.

I did what a good kitty does. I sat on the floor for a few minutes, and then I jumped onto a chair, but I did not beg and I never even tried to get on the table.

"It's pancakes, Big Guy," the Woman said.

So?

The rule doesn't apply to WHAT they're eating, it applies to how *I* behave.

"You won't like it."

I should at least be offered some, right? And the Man even said to make me my very own tiny pancake, and she said I would like to lick a bunch of butter off of it, but did she actually MAKE that pancake for me?

NO.

The rules are the rules, and they broke the rules. I should punish them by ignoring them the rest of the day, and while the Woman is sleeping tonight I should sit by her head and sing my little heart out.

In fact, I think that's what I'll do.

Meanieheads...

May 25, 2014

Take a tissue first...

A long time ago I told a story about how a dog named Stoner got his people to adopt a puppy they named Tank. Stoner was an awesome dog, and he spent a couple of years teaching Tank the things he would need to know in order to be standup kind of woofy, one he would be proud of and comfortable leaving his people with.

Now, Tank was not the brightest bulb in the pack—a couple of times his Mom Lady said (in a not mean way) that he was dumber than a box of rocks—but he was very sweet and everyone loved him a lot. He was goofy and funny and sweet, and that made up for not being especially bright. So when Stoner left for the Bridge, he was content with the idea that while Tank would never really grasp a lot of the commands he had hoped, he was the dog they needed.

Tank was very happy being the family goofball. He got along with the cats, and when a new kitten came along, one the kids found outside when it was freezing cold, he didn’t even try to eat it. He just lumbered along in life, happy and content, even when his people put him through the M-Word in a major way. He didn’t have to spend days in a car to get where they were going, but he did have to ride in an airplane for a long time, and he had to behave the entire way.

In the new place, things looked different and smelled different, and even the people around them sounded different. He didn’t mind; he had his people and his cats, and a very nice garden to roll around in. He even met the cat from next door, who came into his garden every day to nap in the sun puddles and lap up water from Tank’s bowl.

Tank did not mind sharing his water, but there was something about this kitty that was not like the kitties that lived inside his house. It looked a lot like Weezer, the rescued kitten, but it was scrawny and its fur was not pretty. Its eyes were cloudy, and frequently it walked around with eyes closed, as if seeing where one goes is not very important.

It didn’t take long for the youngest of the people to notice that the neighbor’s kitty came over every day. And it didn’t take long for him to notice that there was no water in any dish in the kitty’s yard, even though the kitty was outside all day long, every day. He didn’t see a food dish, either, so he brought out some cat food, picked the kitty up—decided it was a she—and put her down in front of the dish.

She gobbled it down like she hadn’t eaten in a very long time. Tank stayed right by her while she ate, and waited while the Boy went to get the Very Tall Guy, who then stomped over to the neighbor’s front door to confront him about the lack of care he was giving his cat, but the neighbor didn’t really care. It was just a cat after all, and if it was hungry it could hunt.

But that cat can’t see, the Very Tall Guy argued. She’s blind.

Well, a blind cat isn’t much good. Nature will take care of her.

The Very Tall Guy did not like that, not one bit. So he did something he would advise against in most circumstances, because what he did is not very nice in most circumstances.

He stole the neighbor’s cat.

When he went home, Tank was still in the garden with the kitty, and he scooped her up and took her inside, where the Mom Lady snuggled her and checked her over, and declared this kitty needs to see a stabby guy. Now, Tank was alarmed, because the stabby guy is no fun, and this new one sounded funny and thought the people should let their cats play outside in the garden. But he didn’t argue, because that girl kitty really needed some help.

So he waited patiently by the door while they took her to the stabby guy, and when they came home a lot of her fur had been shaved off, and he could see just how very tiny she really was. The Very Tall Guy let Tank sniff her, but he didn’t put her down right away. He wanted to see how the other cats would react, so the kids rounded them up and brought them to the living room, where they took one look at her…and then sat back to lick themselves.

The Mom Lady told the kids they had to be gentle with her; she had not been getting nearly enough food for a very long time, so she was fragile. She was as blind as the Very Tall Guy thought she might be, and her breathing was loud. She wasn’t sick, she was just very tired, and every breath was hard work. She was also very old; the stabby guy thought she was between 18 and 20 years old.

“She sounds like Darth Vader” the youngest person said, so that’s what her name became.

Vader.

She never wanted to go back out into the garden; she was happy inside, where there was always food and water and someone to pet her. A few months later the people needed to move again, and they were very worried about how she would take to a new place; she got around their house so well they were sure she had spent a lot of time in it before they moved in, and moving meant a strange, totally new house, one she wouldn’t be familiar enough with to get around.

But they moved anyway, because people have to do what people have to do.

Tank remembered the lessons Stoner taught him, and one of those lessons was to always be gentle, and to always try to help. So when they got to the new house, he made it his job to be near Vader and to help her find everything she needed.

When he thought she needed food, he walked with her to the kitchen, letting her lean on his leg as he moved slowly. When she looked for the litter box, he nudged her toward it. When she had a hard time finding her nip toys, he brought them to her.

Tank became her guide dog, and was very protective of her.

Vader’s fur grew back out to a lovely, shiny black. Her breathing became normal. She still could not see but she was so happy and content that she didn’t seem to mind having to change houses. Tank was her dog, and the other cats played with her gently when she wanted but seemed to understand she wanted to be left alone a lot of the time.

“They treat her like a queen,” their Mom Lady told the Woman.

Over the last couple of months, Tank’s people realized he was sticking very, very close to Vader, more than usual. And the other cats groomed her. She still seemed very happy and healthy, but she was very old for a kitty, especially a kitty who had been starved for a long time, and they knew that.

Still, they watched her closely, and at the first sign of trouble they intended to take her to the new stabby person.

Then on Wednesday, as they sat in their living room, reading books and newspapers, with everyone there, Vader came into the room and stood in the middle of the sun puddle that poured in through the window. She sat there with her face turned toward the sun, with her eyes closed, and it was like she was soaking in every little bit of it she could. She was practically smiling, and as the Mom Lady watched, she could see the dust motes floating above Vader’s content face, and thought it was very beautiful.

Tank was nearby, as he always was, and he lay down on the floor, watching her. He whined once, but it was not a sad whine; the Mom Lady said later it sounded more like, “Ok. It’s ok.”

Vader curled up there in the sun puddle and went to sleep, napping in the warmth of the sun, with all her people around her and her dog close by, and she stayed there as her breathing slowed, until it stopped.

When she was gone, on her way to the Bridge to meet Stoner for the first time, Tank got up and licked her head, and then went to the back door to be let out. He needed to be alone, and they let him have his space, because even a dog needs his own way to say goodbye.

“When we bring her ashes home,” their Mom Lady told the Woman, “we’ll let him sniff them. And we bought an urn big enough for him, when the time comes.”

Until that day, which everyone hopes is many years away because Tank is only six years old, Vader will share a special spot on the mantel, right next to Stoner.

And I think Stoner would be very proud of Tank, who might have never understood all the commands that he had been able to, but who was able to figure out what was really important.

And sometimes…well, sometimes getting your people to steal the neighbor’s cat is important.

RIP, Vader. I’m glad you got the happily ever after you deserved, and I’ll see you on the flipside.

May 23, 2014

::sniff::

Guys, this is Sugar and one of her people, Jeanette.


Like the Woman and a bunch of other of our friends, Jeanette has been walking for boobies for a long time.

A year ago in January, Sugar was diagnosed with feline mammary cancer.

Doods.

Breast cancer.

The very thing her person walked against.

Yesterday Sugar lost her fight and made her way to the Bridge. She had a great life and was so well loved, that I'm pretty sure she was okay with it being time to go. After all, what more can a kitty ask for? She had a home any kitty would want, and her people fought hard for her. They loved her as hard as they fought for her.

Sugar leaves a heck of a legacy behind. Her people started an organization in her name, Sugar Rub, to educate pet owners about breast cancer in animals and there is a research group founded in her name at the University of Pennsylvania Veterinary School. The work being done in her name will go on and on, long after you and I are gone, and that makes me happy.

In July, the Woman is walking in the Avon Breast Cancer Walk along with Sugar's mom and a bunch of other ladies. Now, the Woman already has her funds raised for that, but if you're looking for a way to help the boobies AND have a tax deductible donation, please consider donating to one of her team mates.  They each have to raise at least $1800 to walk.

You can also donate to the Sugar Rub! Feline Mammary Cancer Fund.

But mostly, think good thoughts for Sugar's people, because they are 163 kinds of sad right now, missing their furry kid. 

May 19, 2014

Hop on over to Ask Max Monday

http://mousebreath.com/2014/05/ask-max-monday-noms-canned-noms/
Today at Ask Max Monday, I asked a question instead of answering any...it's all about canned cat food, and I want your opinions.

Mainly...I need a change in food, and want to know what you like and why. So pop on over and leave comments there instead of here--if you comment there, you might be helping a lot of kitties with food issues and not just me.

Oh and apparently as much as I would like it, steak every night is not an option. :/

May 14, 2014

That kitty deserves an award

Heck, I would give him an entire box of Twinkies AND a whole bag of real live fresh dead shrimp. If you haven't seen it, watch the video. There's no sound because it's security camera footage, but it's amazing.


I have to admit, I'm not sure I would be as brave as that kitty.I would want to save my people--I've saved them from the burning-up fan and the fireplace thingy that got left on--but I'm not comfortable with the outdoors so I might run and hide.

Buddah just might help the dog.

Okay, probably not, but I'm not sure he would stop to think there was something wrong. He still hasn't figured out it's a bad idea to bite the people with the thumbs that open the cans that contain the gooshy foods he loves so much.

I really don't want to think about what will happen to the dog; it probably won't be a happy ending, so I don't want to ponder it, but I really do want to give that cat major props for having giant, clanking steel gonads, even if he's been nootered.

Doods...let's give him a round of applause.





Farking AMAZING!

May 05, 2014

Seriously, doods

No matter what the People try to say, I was not crying because my fountain was not working. I was informing. No water was being spit forth, so I sat there and told the Man about it. And when he looked, I said "Fix it, please."

Oh yeah, I was freaking polite about it.

But I did not cry.

Swearsies.

April 29, 2014

These little farkers...

Photo by Steve Baranoff...found on a GIS and tracked his URL to http://birdsbybaranoff.com/
...are evil.

There are a couple of them living in a nest in the cherry tree in our front yard, and they're mean. They know there are kitties living here, and they know we can't get to them, so they take an immense amount of sick, twisted pleasure in getting really close to the screen door and yelling at us.

If the front door is closed, they sit outside the window and look in, mocking us with their outsideness.

I can ignore them; I'll watch for a few minutes and then go do something else, because I know I won't be able to get to them, so what's the point in letting them torment me?

But Buddah...he just doesn't get it, so he sits there--or stands and contemplates climbing the screen door--and gets all flustered. He really hates being yelled at, and having it come from a bird is worse than getting yelled at by a person. He really, really, really wants to pounce on one of them and rip their angry little feathers off, right after he bites their little heads off.

Normally I'm in favor of tormenting Buddah, but this is bordering on torture. But we will get a measure of revenge...next week the People are getting someone to come out and thin the canopy in the tree those birds nest in, and probably cut off a bunch of branches.

Let's see how those little farkers like having their day disrupted.


April 22, 2014

Ohhhh yeah...

Doods. Doods. Doods. I totally scored tonight.

You guys know our dinner rule, right? If a kitty is good and doesn't try to get on the table or bite anyone or be too obnoxious, he gets a bite if what the people are eating it kitty friendly. If it's not kitty friendly, then a couple of crunchy treats are given as a substitute.

Well, tonight was crock pot chicken, which is totally kitty friendly, so I was as good as I could be, and when the Woman was done she put a little chicken on my plate, and a little on Buddah's, and then she asked me where Buddah was because he didn't come out.

Well, my mouth was full so I couldn't answer.

She went about putting stuff in the dishwasher and I went over to the Man, who was still eating, but he said I was out of luck because I already had some. Which is fair, but it still sucks.

But doods. The Woman said, "Come over here, Max," so I went over to her...and she picked me up and put me on the counter and let me eat Buddah's chicken!

"Ya snooze, ya lose," she said.

He was asleep in the back of the house and didn't even know it was dinner time, and the People don't announce it so it's not like I took anything away from him. A guy really has to be on his paws to get dinner bites, and he was not on his paws at all. No, he was flat on his back, cooling his junk in the breeze from the overhead fan.

Best thing? In about 45 minutes it'll be time for our regular night snack, and I'll still get my full share even though I got TWO dinner bites.

April 21, 2014

April 13, 2014

See, Woman? It could be so much worse

I could be a dog...


Man, I bet if Hank had ever done this, no one would complain about the way I wake them up.

April 10, 2014

Here we go again...


The reappearance of a Dammit Machine...

Only this time it's not blocking my fire thingy, it's behind the Woman's desk in the room where all the books live.

I'm not sure why it's not in front of the fire thingy since it appears that I am not getting a fire anytime soon, and I know she likes to watch TV while she dammits an hour away.

She also has one of these that she takes outside. Well, theoretically. I'm not 100% sure that's ever really happened, unless it happens during my morning nap.

But really, guys, with all the dammit machines that have come an gone, I am now reasonably certain that this house is where good intentions go to die.

April 07, 2014

Dood, WTF?

That chit's like a punishment, not something you want...


April 06, 2014

Um. Yeah.

He's trying to look out the window.


And it might be the most intelligent thing he's done all weekend...

April 04, 2014

Yes. Yes, I do.

Phffft. She asked me, quite seriously, "Do you really need all those toys right now?"


What kind of boneheaded question is that?

April 01, 2014

Man, I hate to do it, but...



It's time to give these up.

I love them, I do, but I'm losing my girlish figure.

My muscles are hard to see.

It's time.

I've had my last Twinkie.