I Writed A Book...

...and not to brag or anything, but it would be a terrific Christmas present for people who are owned by cats. And, you know, of you ordered one NOW, it would get here in plenty of time for the holidays. Amazon lists it as 1-3 weeks, but doods, they order it right from the distributor and the distributor drop ships, so it would probably get there sooner.

Amazon  |  Barnes & Noble  |  Books-A-Million

I have a couple of other books, too.

 This is the book that started me off on my literary stardom trajectory. 

You want to give this to people, too.

It's on Amazon, B&N, and other places. Usually on sale.

My second book is only available on Cafepress. Something hiccuped in distribution years ago and while the Woman was sorting it out, she "misplaced" the print file. Someday she'll re-do it, but you can still get it.

The first one is funny.

The second might be even funnier.

All of them, you can also get for your e-reader if you have a Kindle app. They're all listed on the Woman's Amazon Author Page. Yeah, they gave her a page. As if she does all her own work...

Thus concludes my annual self pimping. I don't like to do it very often, but once in a while a guy has to remind everyone that he has swag for sale. And mine is BRILLIANT, dangit!

Plus... a lot of what I make goes to kitties in need. So, you're getting awesome books AND giving to others. It's a win-win!

Save me some, dangit!

I was in the back of the house, snoozing on the big bed, and I thought I was dreaming about the Woman letting me lick her little container of caramel that she dips her apple pieces into, but after a minute or so I realized I was almost awake, and I was smelling the caramel.

So yeah, I got up and hauled my asterisk down the hallway, because, CARAMEL.

But doods. Doods. You know what she did?

She had already licked that sucker clean! She didn't save me a single lick! And to make it worse, when she saw me she said, "You snooze, you lose, Big Guy."

WELL YEAH I WAS SNOOZING! WAKE ME THE HECK UP!

That was just so rude.

And now I really want some warm, gooey caramel...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Doods. There was no turkey here for Thanksgiving. Well, no people-made turkey. When I heard there was not going to be a single turkey making in the oven, I was a wee bit upset.

But then, the Woman said she was making Chicken Kiev instead, and I felt a little bit better because, hey, chicken!

But then she said Chicken Kiev is not for kitties because it's loaded with butter and garlic, and garlic is not a good thing to give a kitty.

So I was really miffed, because dangit, I already wasn't getting turkey, and then I wasn't getting chicken?

WHAT KIND OF THANKSGIVING IS THAT?

So I sat back wand watched as the people ate their wonderful-smelling dinner of chicken-Max-can't-have, roasted potatoes and sauteed green beans and buttery biscuits, and I was trying to figure out ways to get even.

BUT THEN

Yep, when they were done eating the Woman pulled a piece of chicken out of the microwave. She made an entire piece for me and Buddah, and she cut half of it off and into tiny chunks because apparently we don't chew well enough for big chunks.

"You didn't think I forgot you did I?"

Well, no, I was sure we weren't forgotten. I just thought she was being a royal witch-widda-b about the whole thing and that we were going to get shafted.

Then a little bit later they all had pie, which I was interested in but decided I didn't want after all...and she went to the cupboard where the stinky godness lives, and doods, she got out a can of turkey gooshy food and let us have it TWO HOURS EARLY.

ANNNNND...we get to have some more later!

So this is me, after al the foods tonight:

Just waiting for everything to digest, so I can have my real dinner in a little while.

I hope you guys had a great day, too!

Oh Noes...

Doods.

Doods?
DOODS!

This was probably the last Twinkie I will ever have tasted, and I didn't even know it at the time, and it was over a YEAR ago, and I didn't get enough of it to make the taste last forever! How can they go out of business? I NEED MY TWINKIES! This bites the great big hairy one...

Sheesh

Great, the people are back, but dangit, the Woman brought home cooties, and all she's doing is sitting here coughing and sneezing, which means sitting on her lap is not comfortable at all. As soon as I start to snooze? COUGH SNEEZE SNEEZE SNEEZE COUGH.

I Googled "sneeze" and this came up. Go figure.

Oh yeah. Her sneezes come in threes. Almost always.

On the plus side, she sleeps a lot when she doesn't feel good, so at least there had been some warms during my mid-day nap. She's quite the heater sometimes.

I think she needs to stop going places, though, because every damned time, she gets a cold.

The People Hath Returned

So. The People went to Vegas for some fun and to see things that made them laugh, and I'm pretty sure they spent a lot of money on things but they did NOT bring me home a present. But I'm not too upset, because we got the Grandma while they were gone, and the Grandma is very nice.

They took a lot of pictures, but the Woman is in recovery mode (going places takes a lot out of her, just the suckitude of being her) but when she isn't so tired, she'll let me pick a few to show you.

Last year he was C3PO

In the meantime... The Younger Human (they took him along) is gearing up to do his Polar Plunge to raise money for the Special Olympics. He does this every year; he puts on a funny costume and he and his friend raise a lot of money, and then they jump into the cold, cold water. This year, they're dressing up as characters from Super Mario Brothers, and he's going to be Luigi.

UNLESS

If he hits his fundraising goal, he's going as Princess Peach, and there will be pictures to share. Doods, he's like 6'2" and all hairy, so being a princess HAS TO HAPPEN.

Srsly.

He's also offering prizes, like the Woman does for the boobie walks. In a couple of weeks, one of his donors is gonna win a Kindle Fire HD...all it takes is $5, and for every $5 you donate, you get a chance. So, like, $10 = 2 chances. $20 = 4. And so on.

Just think...a really spiffy tablet computer, just in time for Christmas! You can give it to yourself, or give it to someone else as a present!

Clicky Here To Donate

I really really really really really really want one of my friends to win this instead of one of the Woman's friends. I mean, hers are nice and all, but mine are WAY COOLER.

But mostly...I want to see him all dressed up like a princess.

Please help me make that happen...

Dona Nobis Pachem

Hollow Weenies

Okay, so last night the people left the front door open (there’s a screen so no kitty can escape) and then turned the fireplace thingy on because they got cold. Now, I’m not complaining about the fire because there’s not much better than baking on one’s left side, then flipping over to bake on the right side. For me, that was a total score.

But then the Woman put a bowl of candy by the door, and I knew I wasn’t going to like what came next, because when that happens what comes next are a bunch of sticky little people ringing the doorbell and begging for handouts.

Little doods out there, just get a freaking job already. Buy your own candy.

I was torn; stay and bake by the fire or go hide in a bedroom. I decided to stay, at least until the second batch of little beggars showed up.

Man, guys, I was by that fire so long that I actually wanted to get away from it for a little while. It took for-freaking-ever for any kids to show up, and when they did they didn’t even ring the doorbell. They just stood there looking like pint sized stoners, hoping someone would notice they were there. Lucky for them, Buddah got about 3 kinds of excited and that made the Woman notice, so she got up and gave them each a couple pieces of candy.

Oddly—I thought it was odd since they didn’t say anything when they got there—they all said Thank You quite nicely.

It was almost a whole other hour before another kid came, and that kid was the last kid. I think the Woman was a little bit disappointed; she only got to give candy to 5 kids, and if a person is going to sit there with cold air coming in the door, they kind of want it to be worth the effort.

Me, I was just happy for mostly quiet, and a nice fire.

Now we just have to wait for Thanksgiving so we can have turkey, and after that… SANTA!

Oh yeah, doods, TIME TO BE GOOD!!!

Don't Believe Her!

Oh, the Woman is telling everyone this is dye, but doods, I'm gonna tell you what it really is.

This is what happens when you tell Max No one time too many.

This is what happens when the Mighty Paw and Teeth of Doom are deployed.

Oh yeah, your head will be bloodified!

Swearises.

I mean it.

HOLY MOLY!

Today, this blog turns 9 years old.

NINE YEARS.

I wasn't even three years old when it began.

Heck, I was barely over two.

We were living in Evil, Ohio when it began.

My entertainment was the sticky people outside.

Now those sticky people are like real people.

Like 5th graders all the way to high school.

Nine years and it's gone by too fast.

Still, I've gotten to know a lot of REALLY cool cats!

And the Woman made some REAL friends from it.

So that's totally worth it going by too fast.

Doods...Happy Blogoversary to me!

And

THANK YOU! 'Cause you guys are the real reason it's still going.

You're awesome.

Srsly.

Doods, check it out, I got a new bed to lounge on in front of the fireplace thingy. Which is not on but should be.

The guy in the blue shorts brought it today; it's a gift from an admirer! And the timing is really good, because I was a bit under the weather this morning (horked a couple of times, but I'm fine now) and nothing makes a guy feel better than presents. Especially awesome presents!

I hope Buddah doesn't get any ideas, 'cause this is MINE and he got some toys instead, because he's a crackhead and loves the little felt nip toys.

The talking head on TV says it's gonna get cooler this week and rain, so I'll probably get fire in a couple of days. IT'S ABOUT TIME!

Ha! I *KNEW* IT!

SOME kitties are allowed on the table!

At least, I don't think any person is gonna make him get down...

Chey? Is that you?

    So now we know who REALLY made the jump today...

Um...Ooops?

This is my Ooops face...

Okay.

There are rules; I know that. I am fully aware of them and make an effort to follow the ones that result in me getting crunchy treats and bites of people food.

One of the major dinner time rules is that the kitty does not get on the table while the people are eating dinner.

If the kitty breaks this rule, all usual tiny tastes of whatever they are having will not be forthcoming.

And you know, I have never broken this rule. Not even when I was a kitten. They ate, I did not get on the table. I understood that rule, and obeyed it.

Until tonight.

Doods, I have no idea what I was thinking, but I sat in a chair at the table while they had their soup, and the next thing I know I'm on the table and the Man is shoving his hand toward me to make me get back onto the chair. He didn't have to actually push, because as soon as I was up there I had an Oh Frak moment and immediately turned around.

Really. Royal brain fart.

So I jumped down to the floor and went over to the Woman, stood on my back paws and patted her leg to say I was sorry, and she looked down, puzzled looking, and asked,  "Do you have a headache or something, Max?" She looked at the Man and said, "He really looks like he's got a headache."

Hm.

Well, I was really good for the rest of dinner, and when she was washing out bowls--I was not allowed a taste of the soup because it wasn't kitty-friendly--she got a couple of crunchy treats out for me and Buddah.

"You were a butthead, but only for a moment," she said. "You can have a couple of crunchies."

Whew.

Really, no idea why I did what I did, but at least I still got the treat.

On a scale of 1 to 10...15

Why is Buddah on the counter?

He's watching me work the Grandma, who had cans of Stinky Goodness out, even though it was like 5 hours early for dinner.

Now see, I like her, because she delivers. No teasing, no "Oh is Max hungry? Well, you can eat tonight." She took those cans from the Man, and opened them up.

And then she gave use each a plate with AN ENTIRE CAN.

Really, the People need to take lessons from her. She also gave us crunchy treats. CRUNCHY TREATS.

And doods, when the people go to Vegas in a month, she's gonna come stay with us!

My goal is to gain 5 pounds while they're gone.

All muscle, of course.

I've been cheated...maybe for YEARS!

He thinks he's cute

Ok, so I got suspicious about something, because every night Buddah walked past me, smelling of crunchies.

Every night, after I smelled it on him, I went into the room where the Woman was, usually the living room where she was planted in her comfy chair with her computer on her lap. She would look at me coming in and say either "Hey there, Big Guy" or "Mister Max, where ya been hiding?" but she never got up to get ME anything.

So the last few nights I've made sure I was in the living room at the time just before Buddah comes sauntering past me with betrayal on his breath.

Doods...at 10:15, almost on the dot, Buddah stands on top of his tree near the kitchen and lets out this pathetic meow; the Woman looks at the clock, then looks at him, and says, "Okay, you can have something."

I don't know how long this has been going on--Buddah's not talking--but no one EVER came to give me crunchies or to let me know this was evening a possibility.

So tonight at 10:14, before he could let out that wail of pathos, I jumped up on the arm of the sofa nearest to her comfy chair, and asked NICELY, and doods, she looked at the clock, asked, "You want a snack?" and then got up and got us treats!

I'm not sure whether to be glad that Buddah trained her so well, or to be really, really ticked off that I've been missing treat time for maybe years and years.

You can bet I won't miss it again.

THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

If you saw this on the Woman's Facebook tonight, you have to know it is NOT what it looks like!

Really, I was just trying to sniff her breath and see what she had for dinner, because she didn't have dinner at home. Oh no, she went to see Denny and she didn't bring anything home for me.

NOTHING.

So I needed to check to make sure she didn't have any of Denny's grilled chicken, because he always sends me some grilled chicken and she might have eaten it on the way home.

But I did NOT kiss her.

Really.

I mean it.

Not even a little bit...

Livestrong Day 2012

Red.

Green.

Blue.

Brown.

Black.

White.

Pink.

Purple & Pink.

Yellow.

Every one of those colors has a ribbon that represents an insidiousness we’d all like to see wiped off the face of this planet. What bites even more is that list is such a tiny one; there are so many forms of this scourge and not enough colors to cover them all.

Leukemia.

Kidney.

Prostate.

Colon.

Melanoma.

Lung.

Breast.

Thyroid.

Sarcoma.

Cancer is a bitch.

I doubt any of us has escaped the touch of cancer; we all know someone who has battled it, some who won and some who did not; we’ve all loved and cared about someone who has faced the fight. Some of us—not me, and I’m grateful for that—have been the ones in the thick of the fight, reaching down deep for that one thing that will tip the scales to victory.

It’s never a fair fight. I think that’s why, when someone wins, it’s a special kind of wonderful and deserves over-the-top celebrations. And it’s also why, when someone loses, it’s an especially heinous thing worthy of deep, boiling anger and snot-running-down-your-face tears. Because it’s never fair, it’s never remotely fair.

Cancer is an enemy you can’t see; it invades and destroys, and does it so quietly that it can be months before anyone realizes it’s there. It’s hard to fight something you can’t see, something that steals an advantage without letting you know the invasion is coming.

Yeah, that’s not fair.

People do what they can; some go to school for years and years to learn about how to fight cancer, and how to sneak up on it. Some put their shoes on and walk against it, raising money so that the people who went to school can fund their research. Some write papers to teach others, some write blogs to support their friends. Cancer is one thing everyone is on the same side about: everyone is against it.

It doesn’t really matter how you go about taking your stand against cancer, whether you’re on the front line, finding new drugs to battle it, or if you’re in support services, making sandwiches for the people who are walking and raising money, or even if you’re the one sitting at a computer, trying to form a coherent thought about it. It only matters that you want the fight to end forever, and you and it to end in our favor.

People, cats, dogs, whomever. You’re in it to win it, to quote the slogan of one of the big breast cancer organizations. Do what you can, when you can.

Between last years’ Livestrong Day, and this one, we’ve lost far too many to cancer. Some are our cat friends, some are their people.

It doesn’t matter if they were a cat or a human, a dog or a bird or a rabbit or a hamster.

They were loved.

They are loved.

We need this to end.

Hmmm...

Ok, apparently Blogger, now that they've forced the switch to their new platform, seems to want titles for posts. Oh, you can write one without it, but then later when you get a notification that someone has left a comment on an old post and it needs approval, you can't figure out which freaking post it is if it doesn't have a title. So...titles.

Meh. If I have to...

But! Today, I realized the Woman might finally be learning to understand me a little. I followed her into the giant litter box room, and she sighed heavy and said, "This is gross," and well, she's kinda right so I said, "Yep."

Doods, she turned around and said, " Ya know, I don't need commentary from the peanut gallery. I'll clean it when I clean it."

Ha. I'm pretty sure she didn't hear "Meow" but heard me agree with her.

That didn't spur her into cleaning, though. The stuff growing on the floor between the toilet and tub hasn't started moving on its own yet. Won't be long now, though...

Hey! A Title Field!

It's really hard to watch this and not want to beat the bejeebers out of the computer screen, trying to catch that jumping thingy.



And ya know, if you try to catch it on a person's giant 27" work computer, they get really, really upset...

Oh yeah, she's been sitting at the work computer. Real work is being done on my book! A lot of the time, though, we work and work and work and work, and then she goes back over the hours of writing and says, "That's just not quite IT, Mister Max."

Doods. She totally calls me Mister Max. I think it's because she finally understands that I am the boss.

Anyway, we write and then rewrite, and sometimes she grabs the little computer and goes off on her rumbly bike to sit in McDonald's so she can think and take some notes.

Today was kind of fun, because today? WE WROTE ABOUT FOOD.

I kinda forgot about when I first got to try Stinky Goodness, but man, when she reminded me, it made me want some, so I asked her every 5 minutes of it was dinner time yet. She got pretty annoyed, but I won when she caved in about 4 hours later.

I'd like some crunchy treats now...I wonder how long THAT will take...?