The Woman--having some sense of taste--likes to watch Jackson Galaxy on My Cat From Hell. Now, I really like him because he gets us, and he's making it his mission to beat into other people the things they need to know and do in order to be better cat people.

Okay, so he doesn't actually beat anyone. But I'm betting there have been a few he'd like to drop kick right in the feels.

But. The Woman likes him and watches him, but she records the show and sometimes waits until she has two or three episodes on the DVR. And doods, as much as she takes in from the show, I really hate it when she sits and watches. Because afterwards? It's like this:

I swear to Bast, she watches it and then she chases us around the house, all Let me  love you, kitty cat! Let me love you!

=sigh=

Mr. Galaxy, dood, it's time to flip the show and start My People From Hell, because I need this chit to stop.

Or at least get her to chse me with treats. I'd stop and turn around for that.

Ok, so the Woman was gone from Thursday morning to Sunday night, doing pink things in San Francisco with Diva Kitty’s Mom. Apparently, I was supposed to miss her or something…I heard her open the front door on Sunday and I heard her talk to Buddah, but I was nice and comfortable on top of my tower in her office, and I knew she was going to be here all night, so I didn’t see any point in getting all uncomfortable just to go make sure it was really her coming into the house. Buddah did enough sucking up for the both of us.

She came down the hall and flipped on the bathroom light, which shined onto me in the office. I did lift my head to look at her, and she muttered “Well hello to you, too, you little shit.”

Meh.

She’ll get over it.

Rock the Pink boobie van

I did come out later (because I was pretty sure there would be crunchy treats coming my way if I did) and I sat in the chair next to hers for a while. She said she had about 652 kinds of fun and now she wants a giant van because it was wicked cool and easy to drive, and I have no idea what the heck that means, but hey, whatever floats her boat.

I think she’s done with official pink things for this year, but she’s gonna do an unofficial walk later, 40 miles in San Francisco to make up for missing the Avon Walk in July. She says she wants to do it because people donated a lot of money and she couldn’t walk, but she needs to do it because…well, she just said she needs to, but I think she needs to because she’s a little freak and likes to torture herself. She just needs to get through some stabby guy thing next week that requires her to drink a gallon of gross stuff that will make her test the quality of the people-litter-box on one day and then she has to let the stabby guy shove a hose up her asterisk. But after that, she’ll train for a little bit and then go for that walk.

Not on the same day, I don’t think.

I hope not anyway. She might be leaking after that hose, and no one wants to walk behind that.

In any case, she did the pink thing and didn’t hit anyone with the giant van, though she’s pretty sure she carved few years off of DKM’s life with her mad driving skills.

Things are happening here. Pink things. Pink things that I really haven't been expecting because, well, the Woman has not been especially well lately and she missed the whole boobie walk thing a couple months ago and I thought that was it for the year.

But then yesterday she got these in the mail (she wants to know who sent them. She called them a smartass but she sure did go into the bathroom quick to try them on) and took a picture, which made me wonder.

And today there has been packing. She inflated her boobie walk mattress and then deflated it, and she shoved a sleeping bag and clothes (including 3 pairs of funky tights. Oh, she loves them, even if she won't admit it) into a suitcase.

Then came the collecting together of things that have been showing up over the last few weeks. Pins that have her pink ribbon feet tattoo on them. Big magnetic signs that have the same feet on them. A giant (no kidding, Dolly Parton could fit in this thing 4 times at least) bra.

And then it hit me.

Duh.

She and Diva Kitty's Mom are spending the weekend in a van, where they will yell out the window at boobie walkers (I'm guessing "WALK FASTER!") and once in a while they're gonna stop to give some lucky walker a ride. If I know the Woman, she'll taunt the people she leaves behind with something like SO LONG SUCKA!

She's kinda mean, you know.

Now, I should be glad she's going to be out there doing pink things for pink people, but doods, this is going to seriously interrupt my life for four whole days. The Man sleeps all day, so I won't have anyone to ignore. After breakfast, I won't have that giant lump in the bed to curl on top of. I don't like this, not one bit.

I bet she doesn't even bring me back a present.

How I felt today when the Woman would let me sit in her lap, and when she wouldn't give me crunchies on demand, and when she looked at me when I didn't want to be looked at:



How I'm gonna greet the Woman at 6 a.m. tomorrow:


On the plus side, today wasn't hot, so this afternoon the Woman opened the front door and the living room window, so I got to sit there and get tons of fresh air.

That should be nice and invigorating for an enthusiastic 2 a.m. game of Thundering Herd of Elephants.

Exercise.

She should thank me.

It's almost one in the freaking morning.

I was here in the office, on top of my tower, sleeping, minding my own freaking business.

The Woman, however, went to bed and her brain was not sleepy yet, and it started imagining things...usually she imagines book things so it's all right, but tonight the first thing her brain went to was me having to be rushed to the stabby guy because I was all kinds of not feeling good, and then her brain went to the dark side of the stabby place, where kitties don't come home, so she got out of bed and went looking for me.

So she realized I was in here, and instead of just, you know, checking to make sure I'm breathing all right, she flips the freaking light on and when I give her the Toothy Death Glare she says, "Oh hi. I'm sorry I woke you but I wanted to be sure you were okay."

Really?

Really?

What am I getting for all this? NOTHING. You'd think she'd at least give me a crunchy treat, but no. And you think now that she knows I'm fine and it's just her freaky-assed brain at work that she would turn the light off and let me go back to sleep, but no.

Apparently we are going to work now.

In the middle of the night.

I am a noid.

The only reason I would want a 3rd cat in the house:


I would totally troll the other two, just like this.

I guess today is Black Cat Appreciation Day... I'm not sure why black cats get their own day. There doesn't seem to be a Tuxedo Cat Appreciation Day, which I totally deserve. Or even a Tabby Appreciation Day, and there are some tabbies out there who ought to get some appreciation. But...black cats get a day, and somehow, I'm supposed to appreciate Buddah because of it?

Meh.

I might have appreciated him if he hadn't arrived bearing cooties that nearly killed me.

Or if he didn't used to try to ride me like a pony.

And I might even still, if he didn't go batchit crazy every now and then and jump on me and sink his teeth into my neck.

This picture is from years ago, like six years, I think. That floor is from the second place we lived after we got him, so it's gotta be that old. See how much smaller he is than me? He was easier to appreciate then because he was so much smaller and had a healthy amount of fear in him. I'm not sure why we're eating side by side, though...he used to be such a slow eater that the people started feeding him up on the counter while I ate on the floor, just to give him some time to finish. Because if I got done and he still had food and was right there next to me?

Oh yeah, that food was mine.

Now he inhales his food and he's still on the counter, but now it's to give me time to finish. I have to give him some credit; even if he jumps down and wants what's on my plate, he hangs back a little and waits to see if I'm going to leave any. It's pretty rare that he'll actually try to eat off my plate while I'm still munching, though it has happened a few times.

To my credit, I've never whacked him over the head for it. He usually only gets a bite or two, so it's not worth the effort.

But he rarely steals, so I guess I can appreciate that.

Man, I wish we still had stairs...



...I would totally do this to Buddah.

We had the hots today. At least, that's what the Woman said when she decided she didn't want to go to the store and buy herself some watermelon and get me some crunchy treats. We sat here in the living room with the curtain closed--which meant I couldn't look outside--and the lights off, except for the TV which she wasn't even really watching.

She does that a lot, turns it on and then doesn't pay attention to it. Don't ask me why. She doesn't even have it on anything good. No Animal Planet. No Stupid People Doing Stupid Things. It's usually really boring.

Still...it didn't feel hot to me, but then the Woman is 16 kinds of delicate so she makes the cold air blowing thing come on a lot during the day.

Sometimes having a fragile person is a good thing.

It's supposed to be hot again tomorrow, which won't bother me at all, other than the whole not getting to look out the window thing. And I know the Woman is going to say she doesn't want to go anywhere, which means I won't get a fresh bag of crunchy treats.

I have some treats....it's just that she said she would buy more. Oh and she did go out after it cooled down to 93 and bought herself some watermelon, but she didn't get my treats.

I think she should be required to go out tomorrow and get them, no matter how hot.

'Cause she did say she would get me some.

Granted, she didn't say when, but she said she'd get them. I want them now.

Bah...my life is so hard.

Ha.


Kitty wins.

OK, he came home...

When she first got sick but she's better now

Ok, so the Woman has been sickly of late, but in the last week or so she's gotten a whole lot better, and is back to grumbling about not being able to fall asleep at night because she had caffeine too late in the day or she got caught up in surfing online too late. This had to be a relief to the Man, because with her just lounging around doing a lot of nothing, he had to do things for her, and finally she was doing everything for herself.

But then a few days ago she felt so good she decided to rearrange bedroom things, and after she had gotten everything out of this ugly and otherwise useless TV stand (that never had a TV on it, go figure) she bent over to pick it up, and all the sudden things were ouchy.

She hadn't even lifted it yet. She just...broke.

Now, nothing was broken-broken, or torn, or anything like that, just strained and ouchy. But it meant that she couldn't finish rearranging things herself.

Yep. The Man had to do it.

He didn't grumble about it or anything, he just did it. She sat in the living room, he finished the job for her. And then he took her out to dinner, because she was obviously not going to get off her asterisk and cook anything.

Well.

That must have been the final straw, because Saturday he left the house and he hasn't been back since. I'm not sure she knew what his intent was, because she actually kissed him and said “Have fun!” as he was headed out. Even the suitcase he left with didn't clue her in.

So here's it's Monday and he hasn't come back, and I don't think she realizes that. She's doing all the things she normally does, like sit there in her chair and play online, watch TV, eat crap, and tell me over and over that it's not time to eat yet when it's clear that I am hungry.

At first, I just thought he was heading out to pass gas, and she even said something about him learning new gas passing things, but he always comes back the next morning. Always. And he gives us crunchies when he comes home, and then opens a can of stinky goodness before he goes to bed.

Yesterday and today...we had to rely on the Woman to get up and feed us. And let me tell you, she does NOT get up in time for breakfast.

I'm not sure what point we make her realize the Man hasn't come home and she might be the reason why. I mean, sure, it's not her fault for getting sick, but a guy can only take so much.

We might all be doomed. I'm pretty sure he's the one who bought all my food. I kinda need him.

I think I'm gonna go treat something of hers to a toothy death.

Man, if I were an outside kitty, I would totally learn how to do this.


And then I would go freak out all the neighbors.

The window has two sliding parts that open, but one of them the screen fell off so the people never open it. So when the other side is open, this sometimes happens:

Yeah, I'm not thrilled about it, but what can I do? Well, aside from bitch slapping him off the couch and onto the floor, but that would get me into trouble. Plus I had just eaten dinner and didn't feel like moving much.

And he didn't stay long. Luckily.

If he had stayed...well, I might have reconsidered and pushed him off. Might have been fun.

She took a shower.

SHE TOOK A SHOWER!

No prompting, she just went and did it.

Hallelujah, we can breathe easy again.

I think this means I don't have to work so hard at helping her get better...Which is good, because I'm exhausted from taking care of her. In fact, I think I'll go take a nap...

Doods! This guy has THE TUFF!

I wonder if he can take down a vishus deer, too...

See, the Woman is getting better...

I offer this as proof, so just ignore the fact that the Man is giving me skritches from the other chair.

Look closely; I am on the Woman's lap.

She is wearing PANTS. Real pants, not shorts-that-could-be-underwear-pants.

When a person starts wearing pants again, they feel  a little better.

She's been the one to open cans for us in the evening for the past few nights, which is another good sign. And she gave me some crunchy treats this afternoon, just because.

What she hasn't done is help me work on my book, but I'll let that slide for a few more days. She's got pants on but I don't think her brain has fully engaged yet.

I hope it's not permanent. I just thought about that. If this is a good as she's gonna get, I might be screwed.

Hm.

Okay, this is why I haven't posted lately, or been able to visit my friends:

Yep, my staff has been ill and the only thing going on around here has been making sure she doesn't wander outside the house in her underwear and snoopervising her prolonged periods of rest.

Seriously, doods, she's been like part cat, sleeping almost as much as we do.

It hasn't been too bad for Buddah and me; the Man stayed home from passing gas to open cans for us, and he even kept our litter box scooped out reasonably well. But man, I'm glad she's starting to feel a little better because all this checking on her and sniffing to make sure she's still in there inside her head is exhausting.

Major props to Mao for covering Ask Max Monday for me this week. I just couldn't get online to do it, what with all the sleeping that was going on around here. I appreciate it, bud!

Look at this.

LOOK AT THIS!!

Do you see me anywhere in this picture? NO. The Woman went out yesterday and SHE GOT TO MEET CHEY and Chey's people AND SHE DIDN'T TAKE ME.

What the heck, doods?

Oh and the Food Lady was there AND DKM was there. But me?

No.

AND THEY HAD LUNCH AT A FISH PLACE!

I may never get over this.