Getting a running start for an early morning wake-up head butt is very effective...it gets a Person out of bed in record time, let me tell you. They don't like it, but it's good for them. Really.

The Woman is annoying me this week.

First, she breaks my computer. She says it was because of a power surge, but I know better. She broke it, and now I'm forced to try to type on this laptop computer. You know what? It sure as hell doesn't fit on my laptop.

Second, she won't stop coughing. What a royal pain in the butt. I'm trying to sleep on top of her chest, and she starts hacking away--it's like trying to sleep on a trampoline with a fat kid bouncing up and down on the other side. She damn near launched me across the room! And if I'm trying to snooze in the living room, here she comes, making those obnoxious wheezing and honking sounds, scaring me out of a deep sleep.

There's no consideration around here.

And they still keep talking about "the move." It sounds ominous, and I don't think I'm going to like it one bit.

Hmmm. Yeah. Long time between updates, I know. But it’s not my fault. Every time I try to get near the computer, I can get onto my website. The Woman says it’s because of our eyeesspee, and says it sucks so much that the moon has probably altered its orbit. Whatever that means. I just couldn’t get to it.

So I’ve been looking out the window a lot. The other day another one of those big ass trucks showed up, and with it came new people. New sticky little people. I think they’re here to replace a couple other sticky little people who seem to have gone missing. I kind of liked one of the missing ones; she was very small but could say my name and didn’t make any obnoxious shrieking sounds at me. She’s one of the ones whom I allowed brief touching of my fur; she was very respectful and quiet and did not pull anything that should not be pulled.

But these new ones…I don’t know about them. I haven’t seen a whole lot and they so far have not played in front of my window, so we’ll see.

The Woman says not to worry because we won’t be here long enough for me to worry about them

Well hell.

I think I need to worry about THAT.

I swear, the Woman ate a can of my Stinky Goodness for her dinner tonight. Oh, she kept telling me to back off, that it wasn’t cat food, but I’m not stupid. It came out of a can like my food, it looked like my food, and smelled like my food. Do the math! She ate my food! Even worse, I think she ate a can of the good stuff, and gave me some of the mediocre stuff for my dinner. Pretty freaking selfish, if you ask me.

She's doing it again.

She's coming home smelling like dog. And I'm pretty sure I know which dog now, too. The other day I was looking out the back window, just minding my own freaking business, and this yappy little thing came out of nowhere and started growling at me.

Yeah, big brave doggy.

If she's brings him home, there will be a revolt.
And the revolt will involve things coming out of my body.
From both ends.
I swear.

Yeah, okay.
You gave me fresh catnip, and alot of it, so what did you expect?
That I'd curl up and be a good kitty?
Face it, a bag of kitty crack and a full dish of dry food pretty much means you're going to have a big mess to clean up.
Don't expect my help; I'm busy sleeping it off.

Yo...

Yeah, I jumped.

Yeah, it was straight up off the ottoman, and I'm pretty sure my heart skipped 2 or 3 beats while my fur stood up on end, but it was loud. I mean, so loud that I expected to look outside the front window and see the house across the street up in flames. It sounded like something blew up, and I'm not a wussy kitty for reacting to it.

But no, the Man has to laugh.
Well screw you!
How was I supposed to know it was lightning?
I don't even know what that is!

Awesomeness!
Sweet!
Check it out!
 
A box you can see through!
My People brought this home last week, and in spite of what you might think—like what’s the point of a box you can’t hide in—this one is loads of fun.
 
Think about it: you can’t hide in it, but that also means you can see People sneaking up on you. Never again will I have to suffer through People who think they’re oh-so-clever tip toe’ing up to the box I’m resting in pounding on the top and laughing like they’ve just don’t something funny (hey, People, it’s mean. How would you like it if Giganticor started thumping on the top of your bedroom while you’re trying to sleep? You’d pee yourself and start screaming like little girls.) I can lounge in my box and see anyone trying to approach!
 
You gotta wonder…why didn’t they invent this sooner???

I did my feline-ly duty last night.

The Woman was lying in bed last night, watching that idiot box, when I spotted something crawling on top of. So I pounced--garnering a loud "Oof!" from her--and saved her from the terribly hairy and giant spider that was making its way up towards her face.

I grabbed it, jumped off the bed, and ripped off its ugly little legs.

She owes me now, in a big way.
That was just nasty tasting.
Seriously, seriously gross.

I’ve been nice the last couple of mornings; I’ve let the Woman sleep in almost as late as she wants. Yesterday she rolled over and looked at the clock, and pretty much sat straight up, apologizing to me for sleeping in and being so late with my breakfast.

This morning she slept even later, and didn’t wake up until I curled up on top of her and pawed at her nose. Hey, I was nice, it was a gentle nudge to let her know that any later and it would be time for dinner. Or a snack, at the very least.

She’s very grateful when I let her sleep late. While the “oh you’re such a good boy” crap makes me want to puke, if I ignore it I can be pretty sure I’ll get a bite or two of whatever they have for their dinner. Even if I jump up on the table to check it out while they’re eating.

Tonight they had ham, and even though I leaped up to get a good look, I got a bite. Not as much as I wanted, or even as much as I think she would have given me, but she said “I’m not sure how much pork kitties can have.”

Hey, it’s dead and it’s meat—preferably cooked—I can eat it.

I haven’t decided how late I’ll let her sleep tomorrow. Depends on if I can figure out what the menu for tomorrow night is.

How to get the Woman to gag:

Barf up a copious furball immediately after dinner. She'll choke and gag as she tries to clean it up, eventually giving up the effort to the Man.

And best yet, she says I'll get more dinner later, because my tummy must be empty now.
Score!

Let’s talk about bugs. All the flies and spiders that seem to have found their way into the house.

Look, just because I’m a cat, that doesn’t mean I’m going to eat them. I get enough Stinky Goodness and that dry crap left out for snacking between meals. I don’t need the extra protein I could get from slurping down the dead carcass of a eight legged freak or the wiggling body of a no-longer flying trash monger.

Now, sure, I take great joy in hunting them down, and ripping off their little wings and legs, but I’m not going to eat them.

I’ve effectively removed them from being an irritant.

Isn’t that enough?

Oh man.
There are bugs out here with LIGHTBULBS in their asses.
Seriously!
I saw them last night while I was looking out the window.
I think they need new ones, or at least new batteries, though, because they just keep flashing on and off.

I did not try to cuddle with the Woman at 2:30 this morning.
I absolutely did not.

I only jumped up onto the bed and curled up on her chest to shove fur up her nose. The fact that it involved having to rub my face against hers repeatedly is only coincidental. I was just trying to annoy her with massive amounts of fur.

That is all.

She obviously feels bad.

This morning I got my can of Stinky Goodness early; she rolled out of bed at an acceptable hour, and didn't make me wait. She came right downstairs without using the Giant Litterbox and fed me.

And later, before she and the Man went to sit outside, she gave me some crunchy treats.

Oh yeah, she feels bad.
And that's fine with me.

They did not feed me this morning!

I’m not kidding—they left the house without giving me my half a can of Stinky Goodness. The Woman says she thought the Man had fed me, and evidently he thought she had… Don’t these People know how to coordinate? Are they stupid???

I damn near starved today!

Even after they came home and I started hollering at them, what did they do? They went outside and sat in those stupid chairs, waving at me through the window, saying stupid things like “Hi, Max,” and “You’re fine, Max.”

I was not fine!
I was dying!

At 5 o’clock the Woman finally said she’d feed me, and was freaking surprised when there was no half a can left to give to me. Well Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick, what was she expecting? I can’t open the &^%^%$ cans by myself.

I thought I had them trained.
They are so unworthy of living with me.
Really.

Look...if I think that what you're having for dinner smells intriguing, chances are I'm going to jump up onto the table and see for myself. Getting your shorts in a wad is not going to change that. Pointing your finger at me and making threats doesn't faze me. You might as well get over it already. It's going to happen again, I assure you.

Shrimpy Goodness!!!
Yes!

I haven’t had the chance to catch one of those incredibly ugly birds that have made the front yard their home, but I still intend to. I keep looking out at them, and they’re all pretty big, which theoretically means a hell of a lot of meat on their bones. It’s possible they’re not inedible after all. I want to find out.

And the People wised up; they no longer return smelling of dog, though the Woman came in yesterday (after being out there in a chair on the front lawn all freaking day, leaving me here all alone) smelling kind of funky. I think it was the smell of Sticky Little People. If she brings one of those home, not only will I poop on her pillow, but I might have to hack up a hairball or two, carefully placed deep enough in their shoes where they won’t see it right off the bat.