Look.
It's my laundry basket.
It's in my tub.

I don't know what he thought he was doing, trying to get in there with me and be all snuggly and chit, but I wasn't having any of it. That was my private napping place! He invaded it!

It will never be the same.

Right now the People are still just "thinking" about having an ultrsound done on me. It was one of the options the lady at the stabby place gave them. One of the other suggestions was to change my Stinky Goodness, and I was having none of that. There might not be anything wrong with my pancrease (is there an e on the end of that freaking word? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to look it up) but those amylase levels were still up the last time they stole some of my blood. I might have been born this way, but because they think I'm moving a little slow sometimes, the People are pondering wasting good money on it.

Hey! People! Guess what! You're comparing me to a 4 month old perpetually whacked out on kitty crack! Of course I look slower! When I was laying around all day soaking up sun spots before you never thought a thing about it, but here comes that little crack head and Oooooooh Max must still be sick!

Do you not see when I chase him up and down the hall and around the living room at 500 miles an hour? That's me chasing HIM. I can move when I want to, but why should want to?

Sheesh.

I'm really feeling fine. But the People, their little heads always go to the worst possibility... but the Cat Who Came Before Me got really sick, and if they hadn't gotten her an ultrasound she would have died a lot earlier than she did, so now they have that What If thing hanging over them.

The lady at the stabby place also said they could do nothing and see how I feel in a few weeks. I eat, I beat the chit out of Buddah at least twice a day, and I poop vast quantites. I'm fine!!!!

Because I've been "slow" lately, the People are talking about getting an ultrasound done on me. So I looked it up, and saw that's something human females get when they're about to spawn forth their sticky little offspring.

How bad is it that my People don't realize not only am I the wrong gender to incubate an infant, but they have the tendency to have the things necessary to manage that surgically removed??? And certainly, said offspring would NOT be in my pancrease, which is what they want to look at.

So lady...I'm only slow because that little black monster won't leave me alone. I'm tired! save your money for something good. Like Stinky Goodness.

Ohhhh...spend the money getting someone to invent Stinky Goodness ice cream!

Oh man, Buddah is gonna get himself killed.
He ate the Woman's "special" (read: stupid) hat.

I've been warning her for years that something she owned was going to meet a toothy death, but did she listen?

Hell no.

And all this time she assumed it would be me providing the gruesome act for the amusement of the rest of the world.

That'll teach her.

Buddah does bathe...he just doesn't seem to do a very good job, as evidenced by how much he stinks most of the time. Now really, by forcing-licking him I'm doing him a favor, because my spit obviously smells better than his spit.

Now, the Woman surely appreciates this, she just doesn't appreciate him crying like a sissy when I give him a bath at night. So really, if she would see to his hygeine, we would not be waking her to the sounds of his infantile blubbering.

Singing...that's different. That's art! If we wake her up for the sake of art, that's to her benefit. And it's not my fault if she doesn't simply roll over and go to sleep. She falls asleep to the sound of music all the time! Our serenades should actually have a soothe and calming effect.

She should be thanking us.
Really.

Buddah has wisely not repeated the hugging incident of Sunday. He also has not bathed of his own accord, so late last night I had to hold him down and do it for him. He howled like I'd set his whiskers on fire. Normally that would tick me off, but it was 2 a.m. and it woke the Woman up, so it was pretty funny. She stomped out of bed and told us to be quiet, like that ever works.

You know, if the Woman could just get him to pay attention to basic hygiene, we could let her sleep through the night...

Holy cripes. Look at this.

I was sleeping on top of the tower, minding my own business, and the little monster gets up there and just plops down on top of me. You can see how thrilled I looked.


It's just one mass of black and white kitty...he was purring his freaky little head off, as if this were a good thing. It most certainly was not! I got there first, it was my turn to have the top!

Lucky for him he's so little, or I might have just stood up and let him fall.

We found the perfect way to tick the Woman off. And it's so simple! All Buddah and I have to do is wait until she's asleep, and start playing. Of course, our play involves me holding Buddah down and making him cry, but he doesn't seem to mind. I lick him until he's wet, he calls out for help because he hates baths, and she wakes up. Then she comes out of the bedroom, threatens to lock us both in the dryer, and goes back to bed.

We wait until she's been asleep for 10 minutes, and we do it again! So every 20 minutes or so she's getting out of bed to make sure I'm not killing him, she says she's gonna do all kinds of mean things to us that we know she won't, and she goes back to bed. And it irritates the bejeezuz out of her!

We did that for about 3 or 4 hours last night, then took naps for an hour, and then I sat on Buddah til he hollered loud enough to wake her up. After that all we did was talk and THAT irritated her.

I know she's not going to do anything to us. It just ticks her off, and that amuses me.

In a fit of insanity, the Woman put all our food and water in the big bathroom last night, and then locked me in her bedroom. I was stuck in there with her all night long. My only consolation was that Buddah was stuck outside the room, and I had everything there was to eat right there with me.

The Woman took him to the stabby place before she let me out, and because he's nuts he got to come home a little early. Ok, this is how insane Buddah is. He's not upset. It's like "Oh, well, I hurt a little bit, but I got to go for a ride and people played with me!" His only complaint seemed to be hunger.

Well no chit, I had all the food last night.

The Woman fed us a little early tonight and he wolfed his down so hard and so fast I'm surprised he didn't inhale half the kitchen. He was still looking for more so I did the Oh I'm Already Full thing and walked away from my dish so he could have what was left. I'm not that nice; I'd already eaten quite a bit of dry food, and I know the Woman--we'll get another can later just so he can feel full again.

But sheesh...he takes all the fun out of me getting to stay home while he goes off and gets snipped. Kind of makes me want to jump up on top of the climbing thing and shove him off it...

Buddah's getting neutered day after tomorrow, and I'm kind of hoping they pull his freaking teeth while they're at it. That little monster does NOT take a hint, and he's starting to bite way too hard.

Yeah. He's not getting on top of the climbing thingy tonight. I'm going to guard it, and hog it for myself.

Two things...

My bloodwork came back and my amylase levels are still high. So the lady at the stabby place was all "Oh, let's change his food and put him on canned food that doesn't stink as nice as Stinky Goodness and see if that helps."

I was having none of that. The People plopped that stuff on my plate, and I refused to eat it. I heard the Man on the phone with the lady, and he warned her I might not even try it. So I didn't. And I got my regular Stinky Goodness afterwards.

I'm not sure what they want to do to me next. Maybe something called an ultrasound to look at my pancrease and see if it really is inflamed. I may just be blessed with extra amylase.

And...

Wow.
That was fast.
The Woman already got a copy of the edited edition of my book. and it looks pretty spiffy.

It's a bigger book overall--we didn't add anything to it, but by going with a larger type size it added pages--and we think we got all the potentially objectionable language.

Now, because this is a special edition the Woman went with a POD press, and people can order directly from them. Unfortunately, it won't be available on Amazon or B&N Online, because the Woman is CHEAP and didn't want to pay for the orinting that would get distribution through those channels.

And the cover makes me look fat.
Seriously.
She just stretched the picture out, so I look fat.

The Man took me to the stabby place this morning. No warning, he just scooped me up and took me over there, where someone who was not the bald guy shaved my neck and stabbed me again. This time they didn't even get me drunk; they just let me howl so loud I think I scared the feathers off the bird they have in the waiting room. For some reason they wanted more of my blood. I swear, if they keep it up, I'm not going to have any left.

Revenge was mine, however. While the vet and her helper had me down, I let loose with a mighty poop. Yep, all over the table, and with any luck, I got them, too. They tried to clean me up, but I was not in a cooperating mood by then, so they put me back into the plastic tomb and took me back out to the Man.

Well. Since he's the one who took me there, I figure he deserved a little revenge, too. So I squeezed out a nice 5 pound poop, and for good measure, I sat in it.

The best part? He had to drive home with me spelling like kitty poop. Sure, the Woman held me down while he washed me off, but it was a nice warm wash cloth and it was so totally worth it.

The lady at the stabby place told the Man that the next time he has to take me there he needs to come over the day before and get some kitty valium so that I can truly enjoy the experience.

Well now. I did not like being stabbed, but I thoroughly enjoyed pooping all over the place.

It was time.

I have not woken the Woman up with the magic of my singing for a quite a long time now; the Man has been leaving at night to pass gas, and he feeds us when he gets home in the morning--abot half an hour earlier than the Woman used to open the Wonderous Stinky Goodness--so I've been letting her sleep in for a good 2 months.

Now, Buddah Pest has not been properly introduced to the fine art of Getting The Woman Up Properly, so I decided it was indeed time for him to learn all about Early Morning Singing. He's almost 4 months old now, after all, and while his voice is still kind of squeaky, it's coming along, and he's demonstrated that he can meow loud enough for the Woman to hear clear on the other side of the apartment.

So first thing this morning I called for him to join me on top of the dining room table. We started off softly, but pretty soon he got the hang of it, and we sat there and sang our little hearts out. As he got into it, he got louder, and to be sure I could still be heard, I sang louder, too. And what do you know, the Woman came running down the hall to make sure we were all right.

Buddah did a fine job for his first morning of singing, though the Woman did not seem amused.

Once he's got a stronger voice, I am going to introduce him to the 3 a.m. bathroom choral. The Woman is going to be so proud.

DO YOU NEED BIFOCALS? WOULD A BIGGER FONT HELP? IF SO, THERE'S A NEW EDITION OF THE PSYCHOKITTY SPEAKS OUT BOOK FOR YOU!

Plus, it's a little more kid friendly...we think we got all the potty words. It's not a 100% guarantee. We might have missed an 'ass' or 'bitch' or two. Or three.

One does not realize the scope of one's vulgarities until one attemtps to edit them...

My regular snarky book is still for sale; in fact, this new edition won't be available on Amazon.com or B&N.com, or even from moi...it's a special printing, and since it will never cross the Woman's desk, I can't autograph it (but I can probably autograph a bookplate and you can stick it inside if you want...)

Because she's so cheap, the Woman went with Cafepress to print this edition. She should have a copy in about a week, so she doesn't know how good it looks yet. But if you want to take a chance, you can order it right here.

The Woman and I have spent a great deal of the last couple of days working on a more kid-friendly, larger print edition of my book. We got the text set, the naughty words changed, and she had 90% of the cover done.

Then she found out that we set it in the wrong trim size. Unprintable.

Well, you can imagine there was a not so nice word or two uttered. Even some from her.

So...we have to start over. But there will be a less potty-mouthed version, with bigger print, and pretty soon.

Once again, they were late with the nightly Stinky Goodness. Really late. The Younger Human was home on time, but even he didn't bother to open a can for us. My poor tummy was rolling and churning, and poor Buddah...his little brain immediately went to the worst case scenario. Maybe they got stuck somewhere or some mean person won't let them come home. Maybe they forgot where we live. Maybe they're dead.

Yeah. He's a four month old drama queen.

I tried to explain, they have this nasty habit of going somewhere and all they think of is their own sorry selves, and it doesn't matter that we're home DYING. He better get used to it, because at least 27.32 times a year they will be late, and 5.9 times they will be very very late. He's just going to have to learn.

It'll hurt, but sooner or later he'll come to understand. The world doesn't revolve around him. It revolves around me, but once in a while, it tilts on its axis.

Oh, man...the greatness of being Me.

I can go into the bathroom and do something really rank, something that sends the People running from the apartment with their hands clamped firmly over their mouths and noses, and I don't get blamed for it! Buddah does! As soon as any unpleasant odor hits the air, it's "Buddah! GEEZ!" and while they're running for fresh air, they start talking about shoving a cork up his butt.

I can knock stuff over in the kitchen, and they automatically think Buddah did it.

I can unroll the toilet paper. Buddah.

I can knock the trash can over and spread its contents throughout the entire kitchen. Buddah.

I can do anything I want, and BUDDAH will get blamed!

Life is so freaking good!

I knew we were going to score when the Woman opened our can of Stinky Goodness tonight and said to the Man, "Well, it looks like 'Savory Juices' means pretty much the same thing as 'Gravy.'"

That means there's more juicy stuff in the can than there is meat, and the Woman is pretty sure that we just don't get enough real food in our tummies when that happens. Probably because in the past when I've had Stinky Goodness with gravy, I've always bugged her for more, like I was starving. So she doesn't buy gravy food anymore, but this time she bought something with juices...and I knew as soon as she said that, it meant we had a shot at seconds.

Now, Buddah doesn't know this yet, but *I* do. So a few hours after dinner, I meowed a little bit at her, and =bingo= she muses that we must be hungry again. And you know what she did? Do you?

She opened another can! We got dinner twice!

Now Buddah isn't so stupid he doesn't know a good thing when he sees it, so he didn't jump up and down and say, "Hey, we ate already!" He kept his yap shut and waited patiently for her to put the plates down on the floor. And when she did, he dove in and inhaled his share.

Now we're all full and sleepy.
So I'm gonna go take a nap.

And I'm gonna laugh when all that food gets to Buddah, and the Woman is wondering again what crawled up his butt and died.

Buddah learned things today, at least he thinks he did... I'll be surprised if any of it sticks, especially everything about claws and eating Jesus.

The Woman heard back from the kitty people, and they found a home for it (him? her? We're not real clear on that point...) Some older people are going to take it and give it a nice, quiet home. There are no Sticky Little People there, so maybe the kitty will come out from under the bed.

I was looking out the window today, and I still can't find any Sticky People here to watch. I can't hear any out there playing, either. Ya know, I don't want one in my house, but I sure miss watching them.

Heck, I miss being able to see stuff out the window. Ours are so blocked by bushes it's hard to see anything other than the sky and the balconies on the buildings around us. I can see dogs on some of the balconies, and I'm still telling 'em to just jump already, but none of them will. Once in a while I see another kitty, but that makes the Woman sad; she says it's way too hot out for kitties right now and they're having a hard time finding cool enough shade.

Oh yeah, and then she threatens to toss me out there if I don't stop begging for treats.

I'm not begging.
I'm asking politely.
Over and over and over again...

Ha! In your face, Buddah!

Every night the Woman feeds us at the same time, and every night he inhales his food and then tries to stick his face into my plate to "help" me finish. The Woman always stops him, but tonight *I* ate faster, and since she wasn't looking, I went over to his plate and showed him what real help is.

As soon as she noticed she picked me up, but ha! I got a couple of good mouthfulls of the little monster's Stinky Goodness and there wasn't a darned thing he could do to stop me.

He looked up at her and gave this pitiful little meow, and she just told him, "There's plenty of dry food if you're still hungry."

So... Ha!