Keep going, little dood.

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/30/2014 04:57:00 PM

7

You'll catch it in no time.


Gutted, and leaking again...

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/27/2014 02:55:00 PM

19

Guys...I am so sad right now, and feel like someone kicked a hole right through my gut.

One of my oldest blogging buddies, Derby, went to the Bridge today. Man, this was so unexpected...like a couple days ago he was okay, and today he's gone. I'm leaking, the Woman is leaking, so I can only imagine how his mom feels and how Ducky is feeling.

He started blogging in 2005, so he's been at it nearly as long as I have. I've known him from the start and have loved him like a bro. I know a lot of you have known him just as long...

I love this picture of him. I stole it off his blog.
Coming on the heels of Beau Beau going to the Bridge, too, this is just a sad, sad end to the year.

Derby, my man, I will see you on the flip side. It has been an honor.

Merry Christmas!

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/24/2014 07:36:00 PM

12


When in doubt...

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/22/2014 05:19:00 PM

10

...go ahead, slap whatever's in the bag.


Look! It's almost Christmas!

Posted by Buddah | Posted on 12/18/2014 09:26:00 PM

10

Ok so Max laid down in front of the fireplace tonight and it was off and he wanted it on so he nagged and nagged and nagged until the Mom got up and turned it on but I kind of wanted to remind him that Santa comes NEXT WEEK and there aren't many more chances to be really good and then I thought no, it doesn't matter, he should know that Santa is coming soon because the Christmas tree is RIGHT THERE and if that doesn't remind him then nothing will, so I decided to mind my own business and just be good all by myself in the other room where the lights are off and Santa can't see me anyway, but then I could feel the warms coming in from the fireplace so I decided it would be ok to go in there and enjoy it because I'm not the one who nagged and it's probably ok to enjoy it when someone else was like a whiny little girl to get his way


This is our little tree this year and it looks a lot like it did last year and there's a big tree in the front room but Max and I ran under it during a game of THoE and tripped on a wire so now the lights don't work and the Mom and the Dad aren't happy about that but we didn't get in trouble and I don't think Santa will hold that against us but if he does I'm blaming Max because he started it.

No, for reals, he did. He was just playing but he totally started it.

I'm leaking...

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/17/2014 06:52:00 PM

15


Aw, man, Beau Beau...

His mom just posted on FB that he had a couple of inoperable tumors in his heart, so they decided to let him go onto the Bridge.

I'm glad he's not hurting anymore, but damn...he's been my blogging buddy for a bazillion years along with his sister Angie.

Dood...I'm gonna miss you.

I'll see you on the flipside.

Dammit

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/14/2014 12:41:00 PM

28

Ok, so you know I love my crunchy treats, right? Well, a while back the People stopped giving us Temptations and just gave us a few pieces of dry Fancy Feast because of reasons. I was not happy, so they caved last week and gave us my treasured crunchy treats again.

Here's the problem: those were the only crunchy treats I didn't throw up. But after they quit giving them to us, the total amount of barf to be cleaned up every week dropped, and when they gave them back Buddah (they know it's him because they've seen him and before they weren't sure who it was) started barfing more. So they're pretty sure it's the Temptations.

So...unless they can find a crunchy treat we can both eat, it's back to dry Fancy Feast (or some other brand, as long as it's different from what we normally eat so that it's special, and it's back to me not being a happy cat because I freaking love my 11:30 a.m. crunchy treat and my you-can't-have-a-bite-of-my-dinner crunchy treat.

Maybe freeze-dried treats? Anyone ever tried those? They're not crunchy but if they're tasty, it might be worth a try. 

Here. I'll help.

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/03/2014 02:31:00 PM

7


Keeping tabs on me

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/02/2014 01:20:00 PM

7

Ok, I know a lot of you don't do Facebook and you don't do Twitter, so you're missing out on a ton of my Facebook-posted wisdom. So I sat the Woman down and told her to fix it, find a way for my blog friends to see it all i one place.

Damned if she didn't do it.

Look to the right sidebar. You might have to scroll down a bit. She set it up so my Twitter feed (which I never really used) posts to there. And she set it up so my FB stuff posts to my Twitter feed, so...what you see there is what I post on FB.

There was probably a more direct way to do it, but this covers all the bases.

If you are on FB and want to follow my page (pretty please, I need more followers) just click here and you'll go to my author page.  If you're on Twitter and want to follow there, I'm @PsychokittyMax. But now that it's all right here, you have one-stop Max viewing. Well, unless the widget somehow breaks, and then that's totally the Woman's fault.

Christmas idea for the kitten in your life

Posted by Max | Posted on 12/01/2014 02:14:00 PM

5


You're welcome.
(click here to see a better loading version if it's slow)

And Now, A Moment of Buddah...

Posted by Buddah | Posted on 11/30/2014 11:16:00 AM

20

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's me, BUDDAH! Max says that since my own blog just gathers dust and people seem to like me and want to hear from me that every now and then he's going to let me pot of his blog and also because he's getting old he worries that when he goes to the Bridge it will just sit here and rot so I have to prove that I am worthy of the Psychokitty blog but the he said not to look forward to it too much because even though he's old he still plans on being here for a good 5 years and maybe more but that's okay because I just want to write something every once in a while.

I'm kind of surprised he picked now to let me write because last night after we had dinner we started to play a game of Thundering Herd of Elephants and I kind of forgot we were playing and I grabbed him with my mighty teeth and dropped him to the floor and then he started growling and we started bunny-kicking and he growled louder and the Dad stomped down the hall and the Mom threw a box of tissues so that it would hit the floor right by me but not on me to make me let go, and then Max ran away and I sat there with a mouthful of Max fur but no one got in trouble because Max started the game and he wasn't hurt, just upset, and I didn't gag on his fur even though I had a lot of it stuck to my tongue.

After that he went to hide in his nook by the fireplace which is now hidden mostly by the little Doctor Who Christmas tree which might be his favorite thing ever and I went to lay under the big Christmas tree in the other room which will be my favorite thing once someone puts down the soft velvety blanket thingy that goes under it.

But yay! I get to join Max's blog! I don't know how often I'll get to write but it's better than nothing! And I still write on Facebook a couple times a week, too!

Just ordered 50 copies of the book

Posted by Max | Posted on 11/26/2014 06:00:00 PM

7

All righty. We got the proof copy of the book while the Woman was off boobie walking, and it looked good, so she gave the distributor the thumbs up on it, and it'll start popping up in online books stores.

BUT...it's $11.95 unless it goes on sale and even then it'll be over $10. And for a short book, I think that's too much, but that's what it worked out to. So we ordered 50 copies that should be here in plenty of time for giving as gifts (if you're in the U.S.) and we can price it way lower, so if you want a physical copy of it and not the digital, order it from me.

It's only $6.50 plus shipping, which is $3.00...that's still less than ordering it from Amazon or B&N.

Epistle

Non-U.S. orders are $8.50 US plus $3.00 for shipping. That seemed to be the easiest way to account for the extra costs in shipping. Just use the drop down menu in the Paypal link above to see the International option.

Bonus: I'll pawtograph copies you get from me.

Now, of you read on a tablet and have a Kindle app AND an Amazon Prime membership, you can read it for free. For reals! I highly recommend you get it this way. I still get paid a little bit per borrow and it's a really short book, so you might as well get it for free.



I'm CONSIDERATE, dammit!

Posted by Max | Posted on 11/25/2014 10:36:00 AM

10

All right, so the Man was the one to feed us this morning, while the Woman stayed in bed snort-snoring and drooling on her pillow. I ate, had some water, hit the litter box, and then went into the bedroom and crawled under the bed, as I do most mornings because it's a spiffy napping spot.

As I do every morning, once I was under the bed I meowed a few times, because it's polite to announce your presence.

So I meowed and then heard the Woman grumble, "Yeah, I didn't miss that at all, furball."

Excuse me?

I WAS BEING POLITE! I let her know where I was so that when she finally rolled her asterisk out of bed she wouldn't be all Where's Max? Where's the kitty? as she lumbered up and down the hallway, slapping those giant feet on the fake wood floor, worried that I somehow got out or someone broke in and catnapped me.

I was thinking of her, and that's what I get. "I didn't miss that at all, furball."

And she wonders why I did't act 52 kinds of happy to see her when she got home yesterday.

Cripes.

I'll be right here until Monday...

Posted by Max | Posted on 11/19/2014 08:13:00 PM

10


The Woman is leaving tomorrow morning to go meet up with DKM and the rest of their team to walk for boobies, so I figured this spot right by the fire is a good place to wait. If the Man sits out here and watches TV, maybe he'll let me get online to see if she posts any pictures on Facebook, but I won't be able to blog or anything until she's back.

And that's all right. It's all for the boobies.

BOOBIES!

Oh! And look what the Man got yesterday.


Even he's getting tattoos that aren't of me!

It's pretty cool, though, and he didn't even cry.

See ya guys next week! My Ask Max Monday column will be a little late, but don't let that stop you from asking questions! You can leave them in the comments on this week's column, or email me at askmaxmonday@gmail.com.

Because Amazon is freaking fast...

Posted by Max | Posted on 11/15/2014 11:04:00 PM

16


The print version probably won't be available for at least a week, maybe two; we still have to see a proof copy and then approve it before it even goes into the distribution channels...but if you read books digitally, Amazon has it.

We haven't actually seen the digital version yet because it went live so fast, so hopefully there are no bugs to work out.

And Buddah did write the foreword...as only Buddah can.

The End Is Near...

Posted by Max | Posted on 11/11/2014 02:13:00 PM

15

Well, sort of. The end of the writing of the book, that's what's near. It's pretty much in the can; the editor lady has poked through it and declared it acceptable and the Man has poked through it looking for typos, and a friend of the Woman has poked through it because she whines if she doesn't get to read stuff early and says the editor lady is bat crap crazy for the major cuts she wanted, and I'm just sitting here waiting for the humans to get their chit together and turn the manuscript into a real book.

The only real hiccup is that there is no cover yet. Well, nor a title. It's had a working title from the very start, but it no longer fits the book.

That'll all come together over the weekend, I think.

In any case, 90% of it is done, it's just the particulars to be dealt with...and it should be available in plenty of time for Christmas.

Now, one thing I ask you guys about before was if you wanted Buddah to write a chapter...and we started out thinking it would work and it would be funny, but it honestly did not fit the format of the book, so in lieu of that he wrote the forward. I've never had a forward before, I don't think. I hope you guys like it, because he's 12 kinds of excited about it.

So, soon. There will be a bouncing baby book soon, and maybe I'll have more time to actually blog more often.

This is why Doctor Who calls people "Pudding Brains" now...

Posted by Max | Posted on 11/06/2014 04:57:00 PM

6


STAY ON THE FREAKING BIKE AND TURN IT AROUND!

You can't run faster than an elephant but that rumbly bike probably can.

Cripes, people...

Dona Nobis Pacem ... Blog Blast for Peace 2014

Posted by Max | Posted on 11/04/2014 12:00:00 AM

16


It's the big Onety-One!

Posted by Max | Posted on 10/26/2014 10:17:00 AM

26

11

Holy carp.

This blog is 11 today.


I think this is how I'd like to celebrate.

Spending all day watching Doctor Who reruns. But...I have a book to finish. It's THIS CLOSE, doods! First the book was short, then the book was very long, then we cut a bunch of stuff out because it was stuff I'd written about too many time before, so now it's short again, but it works better that way. So this weekend we're tightening a few things up, then another pass through, then it goes to the editor lady.

I was asked on FB if Buddah gets a chapter. We still don't know. He's been working on something but because of the format of this one, we're not sure it will fit. The editor gets the final say, so we'll see. At this point it's only about a 30% chance...the Woman says she wants to include Buddah but it's hard to make him being in it make sense.

Not that he would make sense anyway.

But yeah. TODAY THE BLOG IS ONETY-ONE!

Quickly, quickly, time is running out!

Posted by Max | Posted on 10/23/2014 03:05:00 PM

3

There's not much time left to make the Younger Human slap on a dress and go singing in public.

The bigger thing, though, is the rebirth of a performing arts group in Northern California, something he's heavily involved in. He does a lot of acting in NorCal, and making theater accessible to everyone is important to him.

Face it, the arts are important. It's not just about watching a play; it's about engaging the creative brain, lighting the match that gets the fire of imagination going.

And then there's the thing personal to me...in the first production, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, he has the lead.

So it's a win all the way around. Donate and help get this company going again, with the bonus that he has to dress up and sing. The fundraiser isn't going as well as hoped, and time really is running out. AND I WANT TO SEE HIM SING IN A DRESS!!!

Score!

Posted by Max | Posted on 10/21/2014 11:56:00 AM

9

After being asked (politely) 63 times this morning, the Woman oozed out bed and shuffled into the kitchen to open a can for us. She then turned around and shuffled back down the hall, and oozed herself right back into bed, because Food O'Clock and Get Up O'Clock for her are two different things.

Well...about fifteen minutes later the Man woke up and came out into the living room, and it was an opportunity we couldn't pass up. We asked him (politely) for breakfast, and since he didn't know the Woman had just fed us (the plate on the floor was no clue, since it could have been a plate from last night), he nicely obliged.

Being all full and warm, I got sleepy, so I crawled under the bed to take a nap, and Buddah got on the top of the tower in the bedroom to sleep.

Then later, when the people were both up, I came out and asked for a snack, and because I was so nice about it I got a few bits of crunchy food. And that's when they started talking and discovered we'd played the Man for extra foods this morning.

Heh.

Best part...no one got mad. They thought it was funny and declared us to be sneaky and smart and totally deserving of the extra noms.

The other shoe did drop, though. From now on, after our nighttime snack they're going to pick the plates up and stick them in the sink if the dishwasher is already full, so that they'll know that if there's a plate on the floor, the kitties have already eaten.

Still. Score one for the kitties.

We totally rule this place.

At least I didn't pee myself...

Posted by Max | Posted on 10/18/2014 07:57:00 PM

17

All right, so early this morning I was being nice and quiet, curled up by the Woman's head because it was not quite food o'clock, and besides, the Man went to pass gas last night which meant he was going to be the one to open cans for us this morning. Buddah was asleep on the tower in the corner, his feet sticking straight up like a corpse, with his tail hanging over the side.

We we all nice and relaxed, sleepy-warm and happy.

Then out of nowhere, the Woman snorted so loud and so hard that Buddah jumped, I jumped, and she grabbed her own face and said several things off the Bad Word List.

But guys...I'm not really sure she even woke up. Her eyes stayed closed even while the heels of her hands were pressed hard onto her cheeks, and after a minute she sighed and her hands went back down, and she was definitely asleep.

I checked to make sure I hadn't peed--I couldn't care less if I whizzed by her head, I just didn't want any on my furs--and then jumped down, lest she go off like a shotgun again.

I didn't even see Buddah jet out of the room, but he must have because he was in the front room when I got out there and I had no explanation for him about what had just happened other than maybe she had tried to eat her own head from the inside out and the release of all that hot hair that swirls around inside her skull created a vacuum.

Tonight, I'm sleeping in the other room.

Wow.Just...wow.

Posted by Max | Posted on 10/14/2014 06:27:00 PM

31

I am kind of speechless...

Dear Max, 

 I had to write to you because something occurred to me this afternoon and sharing it feels important. My son was always a non-reader, to the point that his grades were horrible. He hated homework, because that required he read; he hated classwork, because that required he read. We tried everything, to no avail, and because we are dedicated readers, this was heartbreaking. Then in 8th grade he was issued an ultimatum by a teacher he respected: read a book cover to cover and write a report, or you will be kicked off the baseball team and you will not pass English. That meant he would not graduate from middle school, and would not start high school with his friends.

I had a copy of your first book and, hoping that he would at least give it a try, gave it to him. He balked, because it meant doing his least favorite thing, but once he started it, he realized he could read it in 5 minute chunks, and that made all the difference in the world. It took him over a week, but he finished it and wrote his report. After that, he asked for your second book.

It was a springboard. Once he realized that every book out there wasn't a literary hurdle that he couldn't hope to jump over, he was willing to give other books a fair try. He started with short young adult books and worked his way up, until he found a love of storytelling I never could have imagined. The boy who thought reading was "stupid" now reads every day, and most recently finished Stephen King's Dark Tower series.

What prompted me to write? All those dots connected this afternoon, because he came home from school with a letter from his counselor: my once-stubborn non-reader is graduating from high school a semester early, and with honors.

This would not have happened without two very important things. One was a teacher who cared enough to put him in an uncomfortable position. But the other was having these wonderful books written by a cat who would take over the world if it didn't mean missing a few naps and meals of real live fresh dead things.

I cannot thank you enough, And please, share this with your friends and fans. You're touching the lives of real people, and I want them to know.

Best wishes,
Tereska Walsh

Totally am going to use this to get myself some extra crunchy treats...

Guys. GUYS! This HAS to happen!!!

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/30/2014 09:29:00 PM

3

I know I've asked you guys to donate to stuff before, but this time, I am BEGGING. Ok, so you know the Younger Human gets up on a stage in front of people a lot and tells lies to entertain them? It's like TV, but right there in front of people. And people really seem to love it.

Well, right now he's the president of the board of directors of Solano Repertory Theatre Company, and they are currently without a home theater, but they have a play to put on and to do it they have to rent the space. They're doing One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and there are a bunch of expenses involved aside from the rent.

So what they're going is an Indie GoGo fundraiser...any donation, big or small, will go a long way but this is what has to make this happen:

THE YOUNGER HUMAN WILL PUT ON A DRESS AND SING I FEEL PRETTY IN PUBLIC FOR EVERY $1000 RAISED.

OhMyCod OhMyCod OhMyCod the world needs to see this.


PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease help.

I may wet myself with joy just thinking about it.

Ha.

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/28/2014 12:26:00 PM

16


Well, clearly I can't take on the skwirrel, so I'mma gon' slap you instead...

Hey, did you win chit?

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/26/2014 08:44:00 PM

1

The Woman just drew the numbers for people who won prizes from her walk-thingy.

I know a lot of her donors were buds of mine.

Did you win?



I love this picture of me

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/25/2014 10:39:00 PM

11

I'm on the back of the Woman's chair here, looking at a picture of the Grate Jeter Harris Hizself that his Mom posted on FB.


Now, it was a stunning picture of Jeter's beautiful face, but I think the Woman captured a nice picture of me, too.

Sometimes we work this way. I relax on the back of the chair and tell her what thinks I need her to write down for me. I've been trying to dictat to her in a setting she finds equally relaxing, but for some reason she's getting upset that I'm telling her all my great ideas at 5 in the morning.

There's no winning with that Woman sometimes.

Thank Bast...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/20/2014 02:50:00 PM

6

I still don't know why, but the Woman got this brilliant idea to say that if she hit her minimum fundraising goal by 8 pm last night, she would put on clothes that are indecently tight and then let the Man video record her singing.

This was to no one's benefit, especially mine, as she realized she probably needed to see if she even can sing.

No. No, she cannot.

Last night 8 pm rolled around and she did not hit her minimum goal. It was close--just $270 shy of it--but doods I have never been so happy for a charity thing to fall short. Maybe now she'll stop singing altogether and I won't have to listen to that awful noise anymore.

Still, she needs to raise a few more dollars. And she has prizes. Anyone who donates before 8 pm next Friday (Pacific time) has a chance to win some fun stuff.

There's this thingy, which a person can wear on their wrist. It keeps track of the time, the steps they take, calories burned, plus it can connect to a smart phone using Bluetooth, so it'll buzz when a call or text comes in.

For some reason, I dunno why, people can also wear it in bed and the next morning it'll tell them they went to sleep.

Yeah, well...duh.

And she's holding the box between her feet in the picture, but I'm pretty sure she didn't foul it with her feet stink. I won't swear to it.

There's also this, and it's really spiffy. It's a table computer thingy and you can do a farkton of stuff on it. It's an Android tablet, which might--I'm not sure--mean that it'll function like that Data dood on Star Trek. Or maybe you can just watch You Tube videos and surf Facebook, but that's still pretty cool.

The Woman says there will be a few other smaller prizes, but these are the main ones. Every $5 you donate gets you a shot at winning, and if you already donated, you're good. You're entered.

I gotta tell you guys, you're really awesome. She went from not having any donations to be so very, very close in just a week, and you guys are the ones who got her there.

Thank you. It warms my black, furry heart.

I had to, guys...I just had to...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/18/2014 10:43:00 PM

11

While I was waiting PATIENTLY for my dinner, the Woman sat at her desk, supposedly doing things with her checkbook and bank account, and ripping a CD to her iTunes, when this...NOISE...came from her.

It was awful.

It hurt my ears.

It OFFENDED me.

So I jumped on her desk and did what any respectable cat would do when faced with this disturbing noise. I head-butted her right in the face.

Oh, she was all Damn, dood, I was only humming, but that didn't change the horribleness of it.

Guys. You know what humming is?

IT'S SINGING WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.

I think next time I'm going to have to asterisk-butt her in the face. That should stop it for good.

Aw, man, Mao...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/16/2014 10:21:00 AM

24

...who's gonna fill in for me on Ask Max Monday when I need a day off? No one else can do it like you do. No one else gets it the way you do.


Give Skeezix and the rest of our buds headbutts for me...and that's the only thing making me not leak like crazy--you're with Skeezix again, and that must make him 739 kinds of happy.

Fark it, I lied. I'm leaking.

I'll see you on the flipside, dood.

Oh Bast...help me...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/12/2014 09:51:00 PM

5

She's singing.

The Woman is singing.

She's been torturing me with this for the last hour or so, and my head hurts. I've tried making her stop by yelling above the decibels of her wailing, I've jumped on her desk and stuck my face in hers and said sternly, "STOP!" and I've even head-butted her face.

Years ago, she did the same thing. She sat at her desk with music playing way too loud, and she tried to sing along with it. A few times I put my paws over her lips to stop her, but really the only thing that finally worked was the Man going to pass gas at night. That meant she had to be quiet during the day, when she normally blared awful music and howled along with it.

Tonight instead of watching TV, she sat at her desk, turned the music on, and began torturing me.

I kind of wonder if it has something to do with her own blog today. She's trying to get people to give boobie money, and for some horrible, awful, misguided reason she seems to think they'll donate if she promises to sing for them.

No one wins with that.

Plus, she says when she does she's going to wear one of these outfits:


Holy fructose, doods, that's going to be 397 kinds of wrong.

On the other hand, if she raises the money and sings one stupid song while dressed like one of those club-hoppers from Who Let The Dogs Out and people SEE and HEAR that chit, maybe she'll learn a harsh lesson and never sing again.

Oh, I can only hope.

Here's the deal: if she can raise just under $1000 by September 19 at 8 pm California time, she'll put the eye gouging spandex on, sing a song and video record it, and then put it online where everyone can point and laugh.

Oh! And if she hits that goal by then, she's going to fund DKM's walk, so there's that. That's a total win.

Please help me stop the singing. Your donations are tax deductible. Plus...there may be a prize or two coming; no promises but we always give stuff away so I don't see this year being any different.

My poor, bleeding ears...

What you missed by not being on Facebook...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/10/2014 12:16:00 PM

9

...cuz I know not everyone plays there...


On Saturday I watched Doctor Who, because that's what we do on Saturdays because IT'S DOCTOR WHO!


And then 3 hours later, we watched it again, because IT'S DOCTOR WHO. Sunday I needed to share this because sometimes I am immature, and so is the Woman:

We watched Doctor Who a second time last night and it was still weird but we still liked it and thought it was funny, especially when the Woman was all DID THE DOCTOR JUST FLIP OFF ROBIN HOOD??? And then she got online and other people saw it too and even got a picture of it. Doods, I totally less than 3 this Doctor...

And because the Woman is like 12 years old deep down, she shared the picture she found with everyone.

YOUNG KITTIES, THE FOLLOWING IS RUDE SO CLOSE YOUR EYES!


Ok, you can open your eyes now. 

And yesterday I shared a random think:

In general, I don't like the Peoples' rumbly bikes because they're loud and they take the People away for hours at a time, but I must say, when they come home they smell like outside things and I enjoy making the Woman uncomfortable by sniffing her for a good 15 minutes or so.

She really does smell of interesting outside things whens he comes home. Her legs especially smell like wind and sunshine and dead bugs and I think a little bit of scaredy-cat, probably because as she's zooming around on her rumbly bike she screams things like OMG I'M GOING TO DIE and GET YOUR FRAKKING CAR OFF MY BUMPER as well as a bunch of things off the Bad Word List.

Still, she likes it...and I do enjoy sniffing her until she tells me it's getting a little weird. And then I sniff for a few more minutes, because half the fun in doing it is weirding her out.

Oh, Man, it was golden...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/07/2014 08:08:00 PM

18

First, you have to see the picture.



This is the fake fireplace. No one ever uses it because it's fake. Plus, it's in the front room and I'm about the only one who spends any time in there.

Buddah likes being on top of the fake fireplace. This is important.

#1 - where Buddah was.
#2 - where Buddah wanted to be; there's a ledge where that blue line is.
#3 - where Buddah wound up.

Yep.

He tried to jump from the fake fireplace to the ledge (he's done it a bajillion times before) but he didn't get enough lift or butt-spring or something, and he wound up in the water fountain.

No worries. The only thing injured was his dignity.

He didn't get just a little wet; his whole right side was soaked. He ran from the fountain, into the living room and then into the dining area and jumped on the table and stood there like he didn't know what to do.

At first the people were, "Oh, Buddah missed his jump" but then they saw all the water dripping off him and they were all "Oh, poor baby," and the Woman picked him up (which he allowed, most of the time he doesn't) and cuddled his wet sloppy self until the Man came in with a towel and tried to dry him off.

He let that happen, too.

When they set him on the counter and he started to slip because his paws were still wet, he let the Man pick him up so the Woman could dry his feet off.

That would normally never happen without blood coming out of one or both people.

Doods...I have to be honest. I watched this all happen and deep down, I was laughing.

BECAUSE BUDDAH LANDED IN THE FOUNTAIN AND GOT ALL WET!!!

Bonus: to distract him from his embarrassment (and he really was embarrassed), the Woman opened a can for us 15 minutes early.

AND I heard her ask the Man to build him another platform scratching post, so he would have an easier time going from the fake fireplace to the ledge.

It's kind of a disparity where cat things are concerned because he has WAY more than I do, but what the hell. It got us dinner early, and I bet it gets us treats when the Man actually makes it and brings it inside.

I think Buddah is still embarrassed, though, because he's curled up on top of his scratching post the Man made him a few years ago, and he never sleeps there.

No worries, I'll work on the Woman for a treat or two in a little bit. Maybe that'll help.

Doods! It's so simple!

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/04/2014 02:55:00 PM

11


We just have to get our people to eat at their desks! And if you let them see this, don't worry. They won't think "Oh, kitty will steal my food." They'll only think, "Man...I want pizza."

Been a bit blog blocked...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/31/2014 08:20:00 PM

9

...well, that and the People have been "busy" this week which seems to also mean "no significant computer time for Max," so I leave you with this to entertain you:


I'd play that game.

Oh, Sparkle...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/21/2014 10:20:00 PM

18

What are we gonna do without your wit and wisdom?


(photo taken from her FB page; I hope that's okay...)

The entirety of the Cat Blogosphere isn't going to be the same without you here. The literary world isn't going to be the same. You are going to be so very missed.

I'm pretty sure I'll catch you on the flipside, but for now...my heart hurts. So I know your family's heart hurts even more. I hope they know thousands and thousands of kitties are out here purring for them, and hoping that the pain doesn't last too long and that the warm fuzzies settle in soon, so that they can think of you with all the smiles your beautiful soul deserves.

It's not goodbye. It's really not.


Damn, I'm nice.

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/19/2014 06:47:00 PM

18

Ok, so the Woman has a birthday next week. Like, one week from today. She turns about 143 years old, I think, but she can still get around mostly all right.

So the other night I was sitting on her lap, sharing the massive amount of available space with her computer, and she was surfing around, looking at things, and I had the thought that I really should get her something for her birthday. Because, you know, that's what you do for the person who opens the cans of food.

Now, you have to remember, the Woman is basically a dood with boobs, so shiny things like jewelry just don't cut it. I could get her a pair of sneakers and she would like that more than a necklace or bracelet. I don't know her exact shoe size, though, and a cursory glance on Amazon doesn't list "boat-sized" as an option, but I did note she kept looking at the same thing in different colors.

So I said, "Hey, go buy yourself something pretty. You can take the money out of my royalties."

She was so busy looking at the toy she coveted that I don't think she heard me.

"That," I sad, poking my paw at the monitor. "I have enough monies for that, right? Go get it for yourself."

So today she did.


I'm pretty sure that took all the money I had left for the year so I need to get my asterisk in gear and finish my current book so that I have monies for Toys for Tots this Christmas, or at least sell a bunch more books, but I'm pretty sure I can do that.

And she's happy. She liked her old rumbly bike but apparently this one has magic brakes or something, which makes it special.

Hell, I'm just glad I don't have to go outside to go shopping.

The struggle is real...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/11/2014 02:11:00 PM

8


MeeeoooowwWWWwoooooOOOOwww

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/07/2014 03:10:00 PM

12

Guys. Guys.

I found a new way to mess with a people. And it's something you can easily do, too.

Now, lately I have been napping under the bed. I like to change it up every now and then; for a few weeks I'll sleep in the closet. Then for a few weeks I'll nap in the Man's computer chair. Or on top of a climbing tower. But lately...under the bed.

So last night after snack I wiggled under the bed (because the Woman is old and ouchy, she has it on one of those low profile frames. Did she stop to consider the kitties? NO. She only thought of herself) and stretched out, and then fell into a comfortable, full-tummy slumber.

I sort of noticed when she went to bed; it creaked and moaned with her weight, but then she stopped moving so the bed stopped complaining, and I went back to sleep.

I woke up a few hours later, and unsure of what time it was, I just called out, "Hey, is it time for noms yet?"

Guys.

When a person hears a cat meow from under the bed, it sounds all ethereal.

The Woman woke up, and blinked a few times, then muttered, "Holy $hit, Max. You sound like the Ghost of Kitties Past."

Or something like that.

I was too busy laughing at her confusion to make note of her exact words.

But do it. Get under the bed and meow at your sleeping people.

You'll totally sound like a Ghost Kitty, and when people are half asleep?

They'll lose their chit.

Report back.

What you're missing on Facebook...

Posted by Max | Posted on 8/05/2014 07:25:00 PM

11

...if you haven't yet liked my author page:

On Friday, August 1, 2014

OHMYCOD I SMELL BACON!!!

On Saturday, August 2, 2014


Man...after the sheer joy of the dinner the people had last night, because BACON, tonight while they were eating the Woman looked down at me--I was sitting on the floor nearby being very good--and said, "Sorry, Big Guy. This has onion and garlic."
WHY? Why do people do that? Just get my hopes all high, thinking that maybe she's learning to cook the right things and she goes and makes DEATH for dinner.

On Sunday, August 3, 2014

All right...I sat there nicely while the Woman ate a ham sandwich for lunch; I followed the rules, I was good, and she offered me a taste. But she fouled it with pickles, so I didn't want to eat it. She didn't make a fuss, she just picked it up, tossed it out, and gave me crunchy treats, and while she was at it she put a few on Buddah Pest's plate on the counter.
Well, the little chit wandered out about 20 minutes later and discovered the treats, and now he thinks there's some kind of crunchy treat magic going on here, and refuses to accept that it was my good behavior that scored him the noms. I think I need to just ignore him the rest of the day...

 See? See? You want to visit me on FB! [ clicky right here! ]

Besides, Buddah STILL has more likes than I do, and that's really starting to chap my asterisk.

Other things you might have missed...well, the Woman was giving me chin and neck skritches about a week and a half ago, and she realized my collar had rubbed some fur off, so she took it off and declared it's time for a new one. She ordered me THREE new collars and they got here already, but she's not putting one on me until my fur grows back. Then I have to decide which one I want, and it's going to be a hard decision because they're all very spiffy. One is even NEON PINK!

Whatever I don't pick, Buddah will get. Not that he needs a new one, but if I get one, he gets one. Something about parity and fairness.

Meh.

You know it's gonna be a bad day when

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/31/2014 12:10:00 PM

10

...your food tries to eat you first...


Oh Man...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/29/2014 08:03:00 PM

11

She's talking about boobie walking again.

Or maybe more like boobie waddling.

But my life is going to be pink again. And I'll have an excuse to say BOOBIES a lot.

Boobies.

I've been watching this kid for like 5 minutes

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/27/2014 08:14:00 PM

7


and he just can't get that cookie.

If people weren't so mean, they'd help him.

That's like keeping a crunchy treat behind clear glass and watching a cat try to get to it.

Something New!

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/21/2014 10:50:00 PM

14


I know it's hard to see, but I'm looking out a screen door. This is the first time we've had one on the back door in this house, and this is a really good night to test it out. There's a really nice breeze and it's cool outside, so the People have this door and the front screen door, and if I sit in the right spot I feel the wind going right over me.

Apparently while I was asleep in the totally wrong spot--the People were supposed to tell me when the noisy people got here so that I could go sleep in the closet, but no, they let me sleep in the other room right through it--the inspector dood and the screen door dood came and finished up the very last kitchen things. So we're done. Really done. The Man is even going to take down that screen door he put up in the hallway even though the Woman thinks it's a handy thing to have.

Yeah. She obviously likes locking us up in the back of the house.

In any case, I am going to enjoy the hell out of having a screen on the back door, especially this fall when it's cooler outside than inside.

But don't tell the People I said that.

They might think they actually got something right.

This is my ARE YOU FRAKKING KIDDING?!? face

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/17/2014 09:35:00 PM

13

When I overheard the People saying there will be MORE people in the house probably Monday.


Something about a screen door and a final inspection, but all I care is that someone else will be stomping through the house, disturbing my ongoing quest to do as much nothing as I can.

On the plus side, we're not eating in the bathroom anymore.

I suppose it was worth it.


The Woman as more pictures on Flickr [clicky here] including some before pictures. If you're her Facebook friend you've probably already seen them, but if not, feel free to peek.

The Man might regret doing this...she's already looking at the rest of the house and thinking about things she can change.

Bast help us all.

I'm so dizzy my head is spinning...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/15/2014 06:07:00 PM

8


Almost done...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/10/2014 10:14:00 PM

8

That's what the People say. The kitchen is almost done. The noise today was pretty bad--Buddah even hid under the bed--but when it was over we had counters.

Someone on Facebook wanted to see pictures, but the Woman said they weren't posting any until it's done so they can have it all WOW as if people really care, so then I was asked to post a picture.

Well, they won't give me the camera, so I drew one.

Click to biggify
This is pretty much like the one side of it looks right now. The yellow part gets covered up either tomorrow or Saturday, and there's some plumbing stuff and electrical stuff still to be done. But overall, it's pretty spiffy.

We're all tired and ready for it to be done.

Almost there.

Almost.

Those evil popup ads...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/09/2014 10:07:00 AM

7

Thanks to Jennette Fulda, we now know what's been causing those giant popup, takeover ads...it's Sitemeter.

I've used Sitemeter for a bazillion years, but they've apparently gone to the dark side and are sending out these random, full window sized, annoying and unwelcome ads. So I'm going to remove the code for Sitemeter, because no one needs that chit.

This means my visitor counter will no longer be visible, but I'm not sure anyone ever looked at that anyway, so it won't be a huge loss. And I can see via the Blogger dashboard how many kitties are visiting every day.

Those of you who have gotten caught up in the popup ad loop, I'm sorry...but at least we seem to have an answer now.

Unacceptable. Simply unacceptable.

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/05/2014 02:39:00 PM

12

All right, so a lot of you guys know how Facebook has been deleting profiles that they realize are cats, right? Because apparently Facebook is for people and not pets...but pets can have a non-personal type page where they get "likes" instead of "friends."

Okay, fine, I don't agree with it but whatever. I still have my personal page, but a while back I created an Author page so I would still have a presence on FB, and it seemed like a good idea (since FB has ramped up the deletions) to start using the Author page.

Now, Buddah converted his personal page to a Community page a few months ago, and he posts to that a lot. Which is fine...except he has more Likes on his page than I do. I'm trying to get all the people and kitties who are my friends on my personal page to click Like on my author page, but a lot of them haven't...but still, how the heck does Buddah have more Likes than I do???

If you're on FB, even if you're my friend on my personal page, PLEASE go like my Author page. I'll be using it more than the personal page, and I need the Likes, dangit! I can't let Buddah win!




Please and thank you.

In other news, we didn't have any noisy people here Thursday or yesterday, so other than all the noise from people exploding their hard earned cash outside last night, it's been nicely quiet. I'm enjoying the break from being locked up in the back of the house. It all starts again on Monday, but the People think that it will only be a few more days. There's not much left to do to the kitchen, just some trim work, installing some lights, the counters, and the backsplash tile.

No, don't ask me what any of that means. All I care about is that it means more people in the house, and I am opposed to more people being in my house.

I don't mind all the extra treats we've been getting, but yeah, I'm tired of the noise, the people, and the whole house not being clean enough because of it all.

Really...this place is gross right now. And seeing as how the Woman is a horrible housekeeper, that's saying a lot.

It just keeps getting better...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/02/2014 07:34:00 PM

11

The noisy people were done a little early today, so the People left the house about half an hour later, and when they came back...


...STEAK AND SHRIMP!

It was a little more equal that it looks because the Woman shuffled some steak off one plate onto the other, but it was still enough that I couldn't quite finish. I know, imagine that. Buddah's like a vacuum cleaner, so he ate the last little bit.

If I understand right, there won't be any noisy people here again until Monday, so we have 4 days of not being locked up, though I'll probably hang in the closet some anyway, since that's what I like to do. And the Woman says the kitchen is close to being done, so there won't be too many more noisy days even after this weekend.

I'm looking forward to the quiet, though I am going to miss the extra treats. The treats have been really nice. Plus, Buddah has really been clinging to the Woman, like he finally understands she's one of his safe places to go. I think that made them both happy...maybe it means he'll leave me alone more now.

Dooooood...

Posted by Max | Posted on 7/01/2014 08:28:00 PM

16

Oh yeah.

It's that good.


Yesterday while we were locked in the back of the house--and dang, doods, we were locked back there from 8 in the morning to almost 8 at night--the Woman brought this big envelope into the room where the Man hangs out, and holy carp, I could smell all the awesome before she even got it open.

This is some of the most premium nip I've ever had, and it was in a spiffy toy, one just the perfect size to grab with my paws and rub it all over my face. There was a toy for Buddah, too, but I got the best one, I think.

While I was rubbing it all over myself the Woman said she got it from William's mom...she has a store called Feline O'Mine and she sells really great stuff. And I swear, I'm not even being paid to say that! The Woman wanted to get me something for being reasonable during the kitchen makeover, and she knocked it out of the park. I freaking love the toys I got.

Today the noisy people were done in the kitchen pretty early, so the people let us out and they went out to get some food for themselves and when they came back they had a brand new cat tree. It's supposedly fr both of us, but we all know it's for Buddah for being a very good boy so far. He hasn't thrown a chit fit or bit anyone, and they were really afraid he would. They put it by the TV in the living room and took his old one and put it by the bed in the room where the Woman hangs out during all the noise.

She said she hoped I didn't feel slighted since we all know Buddah's going to claim the tree as his, but I think I got the better deal. I have my own tree anyway--hell, 3 of them--and I have my mancat cave to hang out in while all the noise is going on, plus I got the premium nip toy.

I don't think it's going to be too many more days of noise. The kitchen has cabinets and a floor and the guy that was here today colored between the floor tiles to make them prettier, and he did a good job.

Oh, and if you're my friend on Facebook, or follow me, hop on over to my author page and like me there, too, please. I'm posting there a little more in case FB realizes me personal page belongs to a cat. They've been closing cat pages down, but they won't my author page, I don't think. And I need people to click on LIKE because right now Buddah as more likes on his page, and we can't have that. Nope, we cannot have that.

You take an all day nap and see what happens...

Posted by Max | Posted on 6/28/2014 03:10:00 PM

9

Ok, so the day before yesterday I took a long nap in the closet, because that's one of my favorite places to hang out, especially with the noisy people here, and when I got up they were gone and we had a floor in the kitchen.

I had to inspect it, of course
The Woman says it's not done because it needs grout, but this is still an improvement over the bare cement that was left when they took away the old floor. She also says I'm not allowed to dribble my food on it. Phfft. Though I suppose that's more polite than what one of the noisy guys said...he told her not to let me pee on it.

Dood. I have a litter box. I have no need to pee in the kitchen.

Yesterday I took another nap, then got pulled out of the closet because the Man needed to take a pre-work nap and apparently he can't do that with me in the closet. Don't ask me why, I don't know. It's not like he wanted to sleep in the closet.

So I hung out with the Woman in the other room for a few hours, and when the noisy guy left, we had these:


Cabinets! They're not all done, though. Most of them are up, but there are still a few to go, and the People think that the noisy guy who installed them is going to have to move one because there's not enough room for the stove. And then there might be issues with the fridge. But they're pretty sure it will all be sorted out in the end. At least no one is worried yet.


Buddah and I had to explore a lot, which made the Woman go get a bunch of towels to cover things up because she doesn't want any scratches before the kitchen is even done, and there's a gap between one of them and the wall where Buddah could get caught, so they blocked that off, too.

I don't really like having to stay in the back of the house all day, even if it's what I usually do, but coming out every evening is pretty exciting because things are changing almost every day (not today...noisy guy wanted to come today but the Man said no because he really needs some quiet sleep after passing gas all night. Plus, Buddah and I needed a break from being locked up) and I don't mind change if it happens right here, and I don't have to get put through the M-word.

We don't have to get locked up tomorrow, either, but the day after that we do...I'll just sleep through it and then see what else is new. Maybe the cabinets will all be done and the Woman will get that grout she apparently covets. I hope so, because I kind of want to know what the heck that is.

Ok...I THINK we're fixed

Posted by Max | Posted on 6/26/2014 08:14:00 PM

8

I'm fairly sure whatever link was causing the popups has been deleted.

But...

I may have unintentionally deleted a couple of blogs that are still perfectly valid. If your blog is not listed, please leave me a comment WITH the URL so I can add it back.

If you weren't in my blog list, please leave your URL so I can add you. Because...FRIENDS. I want to have all my buds listed.

You are my bud, right...?

Are you getting popups here?

Posted by Max | Posted on 6/26/2014 02:55:00 PM

18

I had a comment a few posts ago from someone who was getting a popup when coming to my blog. I was hoping it was just a one time thing because I have never--and will never--have anything set up for popups other than the comment box...but today I got a popup.

I'm combing through the template looking for code that might allow it, but I can't find anything.

If you're getting a popup ad, please let me know, and tell me what browser you're using and at what point it shows up--when the page is done loading, before it's done loading...?

This has never been a blog where there will be ads, and having one I don't want showing up ticks me off. A lot. So if you're getting it, I apologize, and am looking hard for the cause.


EDIT LATER: I've gone through my blogroll and deleted dead blog links and several blogs that had been taken over by commercial interests and a few suspicious ones. I *think* I found the offending link, but I can't be 100% sure...so if you get a popup now, that means I didn't find it and it's back to square one.

Thanks for the help...it was a little sad to see how many blogs are just gone now, and how many have been taken over by spam.

Well, hell...

Posted by Max | Posted on 6/24/2014 10:21:00 PM

13

The window was there...


...and then it wasn't.


I liked that window. That window had a ton of sun every day, and there was a thingy to sit on in front of it, right where I could see the window AND the kitchen table where the Peoples' nomming of noms occurred.

I'm pretty sure they're not putting it back.

Today I just hung out in the closet like I usually do, and when the noisy people were gone I got up because that's when the screen door gets opened. But today the screen did not get opened; if fact, the People LEFT US while they went out to get foods for themselves, and we didn't get out until really late. Like 6:30.

Oh, they mumbled something about wet texture on the walls, but so what? It was time to get out! I've been really good about being back there all day because it doesn't really impact me, but since I have been good, I should get released at a reasonable time.

That's only fair.

It's a shame people aren't fair.

Shhh...listen to all that quiet...

Posted by Max | Posted on 6/21/2014 12:53:00 PM

9

...as I survey the wreckage of my domain.


Yesterday all the noisy people left early--like 11:30 instead of 5 or 6--because the dood from the city who was supposed to show up and inspect all the stuff they've already called and told them he can't come over and admire their efforts until Monday. They can't do anything else until he looks at it and says "Good job!" or "You suck" or something like that. The People seem to think they'll get a big thumbs up, but they really wished he could have come when he was supposed to because it just means tacking a day onto the end of the whole thing.

But for me, it was aces. In the morning after breakfast I went back to the closet for my first nap of my birthday and didn't even hear it when they showed up. I got up once to go see what was what, looked down the hall and saw the screen door was closed, so I figured what the hell, I might as well go take another nap. Next thing I know the Man is standing there and telling me I have the run of the house.

So I went out to see what they'd done--the window Buddah and I both really, really liked because the sun always put some awesome puddles right there, and we could lay on the thingy I'm laying on in the picture to enjoy it was GONE--and there were some new holes in the walls, but it didn't look like much got done. The People are all impressed because electrical thingies were moved and the water thingy for the refrigerator was moved.

But yeah, nice and quiet for most of the day, even if the house is a total wreck. I spent some time remembering friends who have left around this time of year, especially Skeezix and now Hendrix--and I enjoyed some noms, and had a few really awesome naps.

So it was a good birthday, and now I am 13.

No one will tell me when my Bar Miztvah is going to be, though.

I get one, right? 

13

Posted by Max | Posted on 6/20/2014 08:54:00 AM

30


Yep. Today I am 13.

What am I getting?

Locked in the back of the house, that's what I'm getting.

There's supposed to be real live fresh dead steak for dinner after the noisy kitchen people leave, but we'll see. If they leave too late my birthday dinner will have to be delayed a day, but that's all right because tomorrow I don't have to be locked up at all.