Oh man, I knew Santa would come through! He got us a couple of really sweet things!
First..an awesome 'Nip stash. These things are PACKED with some really awesome nip. And the long ones are great for grabbing and bunny kicking while you put the bitey on it. The Woman thinks they'll last a long time, too, which is good since we kinda kill nip things all the time.
He brought us a new tower! It's shorter than our other big one, but the thingies are big enough for us to curl up on, and a lot of towers have too-small thingies, so this really rocks. Buddah seems to really like it and has spent more time on it, but that's all right. I'll get around to it.
So the PEOPLE didn't out anything under the tree for us, but our friend Kris, with her kids Kasia and Bug, and her man-thingy Tim, THEY got us a BUNCH of toys!
That calendar thingie has a toy in EVERY SINGLE POCKET! Doods, we've got enough toys to last All.Freaking.Year.
And the topper?
The People didn't forget about us, after all. Tonight I was in the kitchen while the Woman was getting a bubbly drink and I peeked in the fridge, and doods, there's a big thing of REAL LIVE FRESH DEAD SHRIMP!
She saw me looking and she said, "Yep, Big Guy, that's for you. I'm sorry we forgot about it earlier, but we got caught up in things..."
And that was ok because the Younger Human was here so that was exciting. And the Woman doesn't like touching shrimpy things, so the Man will give me some for breakfast. So I have something more to look forward to!
I hope everyone else had as awesome a day as I did. It wasn't even really about the stuff...I just liked having ALL my people here (and I even growled at the Younger Human once, but to be fair he WAS trying to touch my tummy....) And just think, the new year is almost here and we get to party it in!
The only way this happened, as I understand it, is because the Woman looked at the family room and where my mancat lounge is, and thought that a small tree would fit right next to it, and still give me plenty of room to get to my personal space.
So they went to Walmart and found this skinny thing. It's really narrow and is only 6 feet tall, but hey, we have a tree, so I have no complaints.
Plus, there are TONS of plastic M&M ornaments on it, which means I can play with them as much as I want.
Now, you see all the stuff UNDER the tree?
What's a Christmas tree without presents? Very spiffy looking and all, but look at this:
It's a HUGE present.
And you know what name is on it?
BUTTERS! It's for that damned dog Butters!
You know how many presents have MY name on them?
Yeah, I know I was all Oh I don't want anything because I want the money that they would have spent on me to go to shelter kitties, and that's still true, but COME ON. This is an insult!
What the heck could a DOG need that would fit in a bag that big?
Man, I hope Santa comes through for me, and makes whatever that damned dog Butters got look like carp.
Yeah, yeah, yea, tis the season and kiss my asterisk. I cant be outgifted by a DOG!!!
I can't eat that!
And look...it has a metal loop in its head! If I eat that, I'll get a tummy ache! And the whole thing...it just tastes all plasticky.
People, I am disappoint.
In other news, Buddah doesn't fit in that box with his name on it. Oh, he can sit, but he can't curl up in it, which is what he wants to do. So overall, it's kind of funny now, watching him try to puzzle it out.
At least somethin around here amuses me right now.
The People went to Disneyland and brought back all kids of bags, bags that I tried to dig through to see if they got me a present, bags they said to get out of, they'd give me my thing sooner or later. So I left the bags alone and have been waiting PATIENTLY, but what does the Man do?
He gives Buddah a new box.
A box with his name on it!
Where's my freaking box? I was GOOD while they were gone, you'd think I'd get something out of it.
I really think I liked it better when the Younger Human was here feeding us and taking care of things. I be HE would have given me a box, too.
The Younger Human has been taking care of us, and you know what that meant?
I'm not so sure the People need to come home...
But, I digress.
He came over tonight, and doods, he has it right. There was pizza, and you know what?
I didn't even have to ask! He left some cheese and pizza sauce and grease on his plate, and then put it on the floor for me!
The People? They always make me ask! They have really good stuff for their dinners and won't give me any unless I'm both good AND say please, but him? He just gave it to me!
Clearly, this called for some concession on my part.
So I let him pick me up.
And left him hold me.
For, like TEN seconds!
It was totally worth it.
Tonight I was lounging on the foot stool, waiting patiently for the clock to say It's Time To Feed Max, and you know what the Woman did? Do you?
She didn't look and tried to put her feet on the foot stool and CLONKED ME IN THE HEAD!
She nudged me in the side with her giant other foot!
You'd think that would be enough to make her feel bad enough to get up and feed me early, but no. I was all ouchy and she was just, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were there."
Well, for one, LOOK and for two, FEED ME EARLY.
This was him yesterday morning:
He was fast about it, too. The Woman got out a box of cereal and while she was putting some in a bowl he jumped onto the counter, then onto the fridge, and crawled in there before she could stop him.
She turned around and asked him what he thought he was doing, but all he did to answer was to get deeper into the pantry, where there was no way she could reach him without getting something to stand on. I could see the Hehehehehe in his eyes, knowing what a pain it was going to be, because the standing-on-thingy is in the back of the house right now, in her office where she took it when she thought I needed help getting off the closet.
It was a worthy attempt on his part, but all the Woman did was take her bowl to the table to eat her cereal and look at the paper. He stayed in there, thinking when she was done eating she would get him out, but she didn't. She took a picture of him (I think to show Santa how rotten he is) and then she went into the room with the fireplace thingy and sat down, telling him that it was probably pointless to ask him to close the pantry door when he was done in there.
Man, was he disappointed. It was no fun anymore, so he got out and sat on the fridge, and tried to vent a few complaints about how not fun she was, but she just looked over her shoulder and said, "I see, you're out. Good boy. I'll close it in a minute."
I don't know what I liked more, that he thought of it and tried to tick her off, or that it backfired and she disappointed him by not caring that he was in the place where the crappy breakfast food lives.
Oh, and I want a taste of one of those PopTart thingies. She says I can't have any because it's not for kitties, and barely even for people. But still...I want to at least taste it.
One bite won't hurt.
Well, unless it's her I bite because she won't let me try it...
I dunno what the big deal is...
The people always whine about how hard getting on the treadmill is and how much they sweat and why does it have to hurt so much? Well, I was on it for like an hour and it wasn't hard at all. Actually, it was kind of comfy. I may go back and get on it again, so that I'll be all buff by Christmas...
Ok, it's National Christmas Shopping Day (seriously, people, look at that picture...WTF is wrong with you???) but is the Woman getting up and going out to go buy stuff for me? NO. She's just sitting here playing on Facebook and Jigzone while HGTV drones on in the background. I don't even want her to go out and buy me presents, just STUFF. You know, APPRECIATE MAX toys. I need a new nip banana. She could at least go get me one while it might be on sale.
Not for Christmas. For now. I need it NOW. I don't want anything from the Man and the Woman for Christmas again; like last year I think the money they would spend on toys for me would be better spent on food and stuff for the shelter kitties. And I saved up all my royalties from The Rules so that I could kick in some money, too, and it looks like we'll be able to load the back of the peoples' HHR with stuff. But I think the Woman is going to check to see what they need the most before she goes shopping for that stuff. They might need money more than anything, so if that's the case then the people can buy some toys and stuff and I'll just write 'em a check.
I like getting new stuff, really I do, but I don't need anything more than a new nip banana. And all I really want, I want it RIGHT NOW. I want Kimo to find his way back home and I want my friends' peoples who need jobs to get them today. That's it.
Oh, and the People went to Denny's for Thanksgiving but NO they did NOT bring me any turkey. Denny must be getting cheap with his servings or something, or maybe he really doesn't like me anymore. But the Man gave me some real live fresh dead shrimps, and then later the Woman opened TWO cans of turkey stinky goodness, on just turkey and the other was turkey and rice, so we got to eat a lot even without Denny's help. And after we ate, we took naps near the fireplace thingy.
I'm pretty sure there's more shrimps in the fridge, too, so I have high hopes that I'll get some more today.
And pie. I would like to sample the pie.
This kitty is happy because there's turkey!
Happy Thanksgiving doods...I hope you get a ton of real live fresh dead turkey and some crunchy treats. Me, I'm getting some real live fresh dead shrimp! Or I better, cause I saw the Woman stick some in the fridge...
And just for a few more laughs, a few more funny thingies...
Go stuff yourselves and then take 22 naps!
Man, the days just aren't getting any better, doods. Kimo still isn't home, and to top things off, Herman's little sister, Emma, went to the Bridge. She was a real sweetie and I am really glad that she had a nice Forever Home with Herman and Karen Jo, but I know they're gonna miss her tons.
But, I needed something to make me snicker a little, and I wanted to share it with you guys.
Well...*I* thought it was funny...!
Man...this is turning out to be a sucky Friday. Kimo is still not home, so his people need lots of Mojo and concentrated GET YOUR BUTT HOME KIMO vibes.
And Ginger's sister Quest went to the Bridge today.
She'd had a rough last few months and she's got ShyGurl waiting for her at the Bridge, along with all our other friends who are already there, but still...
I has a sad today...
All right, doods, we need to harness the power of the CB. Our bud Kimo got out and has been gone all night long, and his people are super worried, and I'm feeling all OH NO with tummy flutters. So start up your Mojo engines and start willing him to get home NOW, and get home safe.
Kimo, dood...call the adventure done, ok? Your people are scared, and so are your friends...
Doods, I know I am a lucky kitty. I live in a country where men and women volunteer to protect our freedoms, where they--to quote a meme going around--write a blank check to Uncle Sam, and cashing it in means losing their lives, all so the rest of us are protected and free.
You know, there are some places where I wouldn't have much of a chance at a forever home where I get cans of stinky goodness twice a day and crunchy food and treats more often than I should. Where there's a fireplace thingy turned on pretty much any time the people even think I'm cold. Where staying inside all day and sleeping is my right as a cat.
I know I could be living somewhere that I might be dinner for someone else. Or stuck outside in the cold. Or hunting bugs and stuff to feed myself.
Because I was born in the USA, I enjoy the kind of life I have because of men and women who have been willing to offer up the blank check of their lives.
I don't take this lightly, you know.
The Man is a veteran. He didn't go off and fight in a war, but he served in the US Air Force for 20 years and was there in case other men and women needed to be patched up. He could have gone into a war zone, and he accepted it as part of the deal he signed up for.
The Man's Dad served for 20 years, and he did serve during a war. He went to Vietnam. It wasn't easy, that's for sure.
The Woman's Dad was in the Navy during TWO wars. Can you imagine twice? He didn't stay in long enough to retire, but he he stayed as long as he was needed.
I don't know where I would be without them.
I don't know where any of us would be without people like them. So if you know a veteran, today you need to suck it up and give them head butts and purrs, and if you can figure out how, pop off a salute. Because without them?
Doods, without them, you might be what's IN the can of stinky goodness instead of what's nomming it...
Dear Cynthia Markey, please stop using my email address to sign up for crap at political websites. I don't want to know anything about Al Franken or Minnesota farm politics. I realize this was all likely just from a typo--hell, the Woman has like 5 people using her email address because they can't seem to remember their email address isn't exactly what they wanted it to be--but I'm begging you to think before you sign up for stuff.
My poor email has taken too much abuse lately. It wants to stop bending over and taking it, because the e-lube has worn off.
Man, some people are sucky. If you tried to come to my blog this morning, you probably got a "This blog does not exist" message...because Google suspended my account. I couldn't get into the blog or my email or Google Reader, and it was all because someone from Poland used my email to mass spam the world.
Luckily, it was easy to fix because they could tell it was hacked and not that I was a spam blog, but still... my email is cluttered with bounced spam attempts and I have to pick through and weed out the crap from the real mail. So if you emailed me lately, I haven't gotten it and might not, because that box is freaking full.
I would have gotten the email sorted out earlier, but the people had to go to some stabby guy who looks deep into their eyes and says, "Holy frak, you're old. You need special glasses!" and then he does stabby stuff and makes their eyes all wonky, so the Woman couldn't see to help me.
Oh, and I don't think I'm gonna get enough access to the computer to do NaNoWriMo. The Woman had an idea for something else, and since I didn't have an idea and couldn't really figure out how to stretch anyone else's to book length, I have to wait. But her book might be good, so it's not a total loss.
I totally want to write a book for NaNoWriMo this year, but the Woman is not cooperating!
She says she would let me BUT I apparently have to have an IDEA before I can hog the computer for hours every day.
She'll shove her own work aside if I can come up with something really really really fast.
So help me out.
What should the next Psychokitty book be about?
And this is a serious inquiry, so no junk answers, ok? Normally I like funny junk answers but I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!
DON'T TAKE HIS TEDDY!!!
AND THEY GOT TO MEET DIVA KITTY AND THE FLUFFIES
AND THEY DIDN'T TAKE ME!!!
I coulda met Sophia!
I BEEN ROBBED!
Plus, Denny didn't send ANYTHING home for me.
This is very very disturbing.
Right up to almost the end.
That oughta teach the little chit to hit...
I dunno what I was expecting when the Woman came back from walking for boobies, but this limping lump of do-nothing wasn't it. Doods, she's, like, just THERE and not doing anything.
Well, she's barking. Seriously. She sits there and barks.
I'm not sure, but I think she might have licked a dog while she was walking and caught dog-cooties. This is making it very difficult for me to want to sit on her and purr, just in case her brains have turned into woofie-mush and she tries to lick me and pass the cooties along. I'll risk a few people cooties, but I have my limits.
Maybe Buddah will risk it. I think he's part woofie, anyway.
He owes her, too. She was sitting here minding her own business, and he head-butted her ouchie foot, right where it hurts the most.
It must have been one hell of an Ouch Moment, because she went to her stabby guy and he's sending her to see a stabby guy who does nothing but look at feet all day. She's not happy, but that's what she gets for not practicing her walking enough. Clearly, she needed more...
It's my blogoversary! Eight years! w00t!!1!
And for for my blogoversary, I think I'm gonna admit I missed the Woman when she was off walking for the boobies in Atlanta.
But only a little bit.
And I might have wandered around the house, meowing as I looked for her. But only because I knew the Man would tell her and she would get warm fuzzies thinking she's important or something. It's important to make a person feel needed every now and then. That makes them give you extra crunchies when they get home.
Holy carp doods. You know the Woman has brown hair, right? Well, brown with a whole lotta gray in it. I think something scared the holy carpola out of her the other day, because I went to take a nap and when I woke up, her hair was damn near white.
A really good fright is about all I have to explain that. But don't ask me how THIS can happen:
'Cause I really don't know...
Tomorrow at Ohmygawd O'clock she and Diva Kitty's Mom are getting on a plane and going to Atlanta to meet up with Jeter's Mom and a buncha other people for another boobie walk. But it's ok, because the Man is staying home to open cans for us, and in the end, that's the important thing.
Well, ok, 2nd most important thing.
I hope she doesn't blow chunk on DKM. The Woman doesn't like flying...but she REALLY doesn't like being awake at Ohmygawd O'clock...
See? See the things I have to put up with?
AAaahhhahahahahahahaha...I usually sing at 3:15 in the morning which the Woman really loves, but last night she asked me very nicely to not sing so that she could sleep through the whole night, and being the considerate cat that I am, I obliged.
I mean, I can contain the music for one night.
But right about the time I usually start singing, Buddah decided to play a solo game of Thundering Herd of Elephants, and after running up and down the hall a few times he sprinted into the bedroom, leaped up on the bed, and head-butted her smack in the face really hard, then turned around and bolted back out.
She was all WTF just happened? and I think she would have been happier if I had sung her awake.
I admit, Buddah scored a few cool points.
Just a few.
Ha. The Woman woke up a little after 4 this morning thinking we were having an earthquake, and she was all ready to bolt out of the bed and go hide like the inner 5 year old she can be sometimes, when she realized it was just me, taking a bath while on her bed, pretty close to her pillow.
She seemed annoyed, but what was I supposed to do? Not bathe?
I'm not Buddah.
Now she's blaming me because she couldn't get back to sleep, but hey, I'm not the one who over reacted in the first place, right?
Besides, if it hadn't been so freaking cold in the house I might have been lounging somewhere else instead of trying to steal her warms while she slept.
So it's her fault for not turning the warm air blowing thingy up higher.
I'm totally innocent.
Ok, that kitty is never gonna land. So i changed the channel, and doods...make sure your people see this and understand that this is a lesson to them. If you tick the kitty off, the kitty WILL GET REVENGE!
Doods, I've been watching this for like eleventy hours, and this poor guy still hasn't landed.
I'm chewing my paws down to numbs waiting to see if he lands on his feet...
Not to equate him to a human, but what took my dog, Hank, in the end, was cancer. Or they think it was; because of his age and overall health it was kinder to not cut him open and peek, but the stabby person felt a huge mass on his spleen. So he wound up having to go to the Bridge before we were ready for it.
The Woman's Dad had kidney cancer; he lost one of his kidneys to it, but it didn't kill him. he lived for a good ten years after.
The Woman's Mom had lymphoma. It didn't kill her, either. She was lucky, she got good treatment and beat that sucker down.
The Woman had a friend, Anne, who got breast cancer and beat it. But then it came back, and she couldn't kick its ass a second time. She and the Woman shared a birthday, even though it was a few years apart, but now every year on her birthday, the Woman thinks a lot about the friend she lost.
Edsel's mom had brain cancer, and we all know how that ended, and I'm still smarting over it.
Look at that shirt and all the names that are on it. They all had breast cancer. Some survived, some did not.
But it's too many names. After the Woman wrote all those names on the shirt, she had to sit back and take lots of deep breaths because it all just slapped her in the face.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
Cancer is a bitch.
I can't go out and walk to raise money to fight cancer, but I can Livestrong today, and remember the people and friends (and Hank) who have had to fight for their lives because of it.
Today, yellow is the new pink.
Dang...almost a whole week without posting... What I've been up to this week:
- Singing. I've resumed my middle-of-the-night arias because I'm pretty sure the Woman missed them. In fact, I think my signing brings her close to having a religious experience, because more than once I've heard her say "Oh my God..."
- Farting. Well, really only the one time was worth mentioning. The Woman had me trapped in the giant litterbox room with her while she was taking her drugs, and I let a good one rip. And doods, there were only the two of us in there and she still asked, "Was that you?"
- Chasing Buddah. I've decided that since he doesn't want to play with me--which I used to enjoy--that I'm going to force him into it. So when he least expects it, I start chasing him. But when one of the People notices, I do a fast turn and make it look like he started it, so he gets in trouble. That's the best part, when he gets told to leave me alone.
- Eating. Well, yeah. Why not?
- Looking out the front door when it's open. The weather has cooled a few times, and on those days the people open the door. But man, there is nothing worth seeing out there. The house is set back just far enough that we can't really see what's going on. And that sucks.
All right, I was nice and I shared some of the food with Buddah. Well, it's not like I had any real choice; the Woman decided to split a can of beef with gravy between us as a surprise snack yesterday because we've been so helpful in nursing her back to health after she went and ate some death food the other night.
Later on, for dinner, we split another can, this time of some chickeny goodness.
And doods, this stuff is AWESOME. It's Purina One Smart Blend stinky goodness, and so far I am really digging it (and no I am not being paid to say so, I just think you guys should know when there's some premium noms out there to try...)
Buddah must have liked it too because he made some pretty disgusting sounds while he ate, and he licked the plate so hard the Woman thought he was going to push it off the counter onto the floor, where it would shatter into a million pieces like all her intentions of cleaning the kitchen.
If I had thumbs, I'd give this stuff two thumbs up.
Doods! Look what my man Skeezix sent me!
Skeez had a giveaway on mousebreath! and I won! I WON FOOD!!!!
I really kind of want to eat it all tonight, but since I need to borrow the Woman's thumbs for that, I don't think it's gonna happen.
Oh, and the box was specifically addressed to me and it said NOT BUDDAH so that means I don't have to share.
This is Buddah.
He's, what, six years old? Six and in all those years he has learned nothing from me.
Like yesterday? Well, the litterbox had not been scooped in a timely enough manner for either of us. Granted, I'm a little particular and would prefer it if the people hired someone to come in and stand there and scoop after both of us every time we use the box, but I'll settle for frequent scooping and
Buddah usually doesn't care. The box can be loaded and he hops right in. But yesterday even he didn't want to get in it, so he pooped on the floor right in front of it.
Now, this I can respect. It's the right thing to do: it sends a message and it means the people have some cleaning to do.
But doods...when you have to poop on the floor the right thing to do is to walk away quietly. Our box is in the laundry room, which is in between the hallway and the rumbly bike room. The people rarely turn the light on when they're passing through the laundry room to get out to the bikes. So if a guy has to resort to pooping on the floor... doods, you stay quiet and hope that a person walks in there and steps on it barefoot. You just do!
Last night he pooped on the floor, and what did he do?
He went and told the Woman! I mean, first he was a little confused about what to do. He jumped on the fake fireplace in the room with the dammit machines, and when she walked by he meowed at her really loud, it was almost like a wail; she just thought he wanted crunchy treats and told him no, he'd already had some. But then she headed for the giant litter box room to take care of her own business, and he followed her, practically hollering at her, all listen to me, listen to me!
Well, she got part of the message. She guessed that he wanted the box cleaned. So she asked the Man if he would carry the box outside and dump the whole thing so we could have a 100% clean box.
And that's when they discovered Buddah was trying to tell them he'd pooped on the floor.
No, they didn't get mad or anything. The Man scooped it up and took the box out and dumped it all and then hosed it out. The Woman dried it and refilled it with fresh litter, so Buddah was happy. I was happy to have a clean box, too, but dangit.
Buddah had a prime opportunity to get a person to step onto a nice fresh pile o'poop, and he went and actually told her he'd done it.
I think I need to just give up on him.
He's never going to learn.
Arrrr, doods, you would not believe how good this places smells today! T' people be makin' a real live fresh went t' Davy Jones' locker TURKEY in t' oh-man-this-takes-forever cookin' thin'y. All day long I've had t' smell it cookin' and I'm startin' t' drool, but tonight THERE WILL BE TURKEY!!!
No one tell Buddah! He's been sleepin' in t' aft o' t' house all day and I don't think he has a clue. It's gonna be all mine!
(Like me stlyish red eayeatch? I didn't think black would show on me beautiful black fur very well...)
Dooods...last night the Woman got herself a piece of cake, because she's trying to lose weight and OBVIOUSLY cake is the answer (fark yeah I'm rolling my eyes) and I wanted some but I knew if I asked I wouldn't get any. So. Doods. I did the whole dart-and-wind-between-their-feet move and it worked!
She tried so hard to not trip that the plate tipped forward and the cake plopped off the plate and onto the floor icing side down. I looked up to make sure that she wasn't going to snap a foot into my head, but she wasn't even mad; she just said "ONE BITE" and I grabbed myself a giant bite while she got paper towels to clean it up.
That in itself would have been good enough, but tonight the People had real live fresh dead chicken for dinner, and I didn't have to do ANYTHING to get some. The Woman just cut some up for me and put it on my plate!
Better yet, BUDDAH didn't get any because he was in the other room sitting on one of the dammit machines and never came in to see what the food being cooked was.
He's gotta learn...if a people is in the kitchen, you have to go see, because it might be something good and you might get a bite, either by their choice or your will.
Look. The People went to this new place where she can practice her walking a little bit more, and look what they found.
NO. They did NOT bring one home for me.
Man, I bet they're tasty.
Probably don't taste like chicken, but that's okay. I could get used to nomming on Donald or Daffy Duck...
OK, so the Woman probably needs a little more practice walking.
Either that or she needs to stop licking random krap in public, because she managed to pick up some kinda cootie.
Most of you guys probably already know that she didn't finish the Big Walk this last weekend because of some kinda cooties that made her queasy and headachey and then barfy. She's still kinda blah but she's starting to feel a little better, and is already making noises about getting back outside to practice walking some more, and then going to Hotlanta with DKM to walk with Jeter's mom and a buncha other people.
Anyway, the 20 miles she did walk she said was kinda hard but also lots of fun because she got to walk with DKM's cousin Joette and she likes Joette a lot and covets her walking sticks. While she was walking, the Man was helping walkers with blisters, and I guess he did a lot of sucking crap out of some really nasty looking ones. He helped for 2 days but then he had to bring the Woman home so that she wouldn't give those cooties to other people.
On the first day, just before she started feeling really bad, he took this picture of her coming into camp. For 20 miles, she does look kinda happy.
Either that or the Man had a candy bar in his hand and she's all stick that thing in my mouth!
Yeah. Take that for whatever you want to...