Whoa...Buddah bit the Man today. He didn't just bite, he bit. There was blood running down the Man's arm, and a whole lot of fun new words for me to remember...As much as it might have amused me to see Buddah get his teeth knocked into next week, I really should teach him about soft warning bites. Maybe. Maybe not. If he does it again, maybe we'll go back to being a one kitty house!!!!
I think there's something wrong with me. Really, really wrong, and if it gets worse, I'm going to have to go to the stabby place and you just know the bald guy is going to stick things where things don't belong.
Last night the Younger Human was not home, so I got to stretch out on his bed. He has the best bed in the house; it's not too soft and not too hard, and the warm air blowing thingy hits it just right. The thing is, I heard the Woman go into the kitchen when it was time for her to shoot up take her meds, which also means it's crunchy treat time.
She doesn't call us to remind us when its crunchy treat time. She figures if we don't come on our own, it's our tough luck. So we listen for the sound of the refrigerator door, because she keeps her drugs medication in there. I heard her, I knew what time it was, and I knew she was going to dole out crunchy treats.
This is where it gets weird.
I didn't get up. I didn't go downstairs to get my crunchy treats. We all know how much I love my crunchy treats, but I didn't want to risk giving up the warmest spot on the best bed in the house.
I willingly gave up crunchy treats.
That means I'm sick, right? I only hope it's not going to become a chronic thing. If it did, I would waste away into nothing but skin and bones, and I'm too damned pretty to let that happen.
Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. It is insufficiently warm in here. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. See my nipples? GOOSEBUMPS! Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. I don't care if it's 68 in here, I'm cold. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat.
Apparently, my lips are gross. At least that's what the Woman said when I woke her up by rubbing said gross lips across face this morning. It could have been worse, I could have made sure they were really wet with all my cat spit. Right after licking myself really well. She really shouldn't complain, should she?
OK...I thought I saw a twist tie on the table, and I kinda like them once in a while so, I tried to swat it, but it didn't move. Then I touched it with my paw, and it didn't move. So I tried again. Then the Woman starts laughing and says "Max...it's a line on a map, you can't play with."
Well excuse me, mizz-laugh-at-the-kitty, and go get me a real twist tie. Or crunchy treats. I'll forgive the laughing for 8-10 Temptations.
The Woman did it again. Last night she forgot to out food in our dishes before she went to bed, and we STARVED all night long. Really, I think I lost weight, like maybe 3 or 4 ounces. Oh, you can laugh, but when you only weigh about 15 pounds, ounces count!
She was falling all over herself apologizing when she realized it at TEN THIRTY THIS MORNING and she kept saying how we were good boys for not bugging her at 5 a.m. to get up and put some food out, but how can you bug someone when you're so weak from hunger you can barely lick yourself?
The Man tried telling her that there was probably plenty of food in the dishes when she went to bed so we ate that instead of bugging her, but what does he know? He can get his own food! I don't see him being forced to wait until his stomach is growling so hard it's going to turn inside out and grow hands and strangle his liver. Mine was about to, and I'm pretty sure I need my liver.
And Buddah... he's useless; he thinks because she gave us a bite of chicken before she went to bed that was enough. You know, if he had a pillow, I'd go poop on it.
It's that day again. You know which one. The day where boys give girls presents and girls give boys presents, and they get all mushy about each other and declare their undying luuuuvvvvvv for each other. Then it's all smoochysmoochysmoochy and they share dessert and God knows what else (well, I DO know, but I'm NOT sayin', because there are VERY YOUNG kitties reading...)
I've never given anyone a smoochysmoochysmoochy card or present because I figured it was pointless; I mean, the People had my fun bits RIPPED off, so what good am I as a man cat to a girl kitty? Who could love me like this?
And then I got to thinking. Well, who do *I* love the most? Who deserves a nice present from Max? Who should I spend my hard earned money on, who will appreciate it and be happy, and then it's back to who do I love the most?
That simplified the whole smoochysmoochysmoochy thing for me. It's not about who could love nadless me, but WHO DO I LOVE THE MOST?
Whomever I love the most, that's who should get my special gift. So I gave the Woman money, and sent her out for a giant bag of Temptations to give to the one I love the most.
Have you ever hear a boy sticky person who is almost a teenage sticky person try to talk? That's what the Woman sounds like now. She's not happy because the Man keeps laughing...Heh. I would, too, if I could laugh out loud.
My people have colds. I don't know why they think that should effect my day to day activities, but apparently they've determined that it would. It's also rendered them incapable of pressing the little silver ON button for me...
I'm still annoyed, but mostly because the Woman has been hogging the computer for "work," which really means she's playing Bookworm, trying to get 20 million points. She says she got a lot done on her book and only has some tweaks and maybe needs a couple thousand more words...to me that sounds like she's going to be hogging the computer even more.
And we have more than one computer! You'd think she could leave the other one on for us, but nooooooo. That would make sense.
But...she did plop down and let me get almost caught up on General Hospital. Normally I wouldn't care, but I started watching it when I was keeping her lap warm, and now I have to find out who the text message killer is. DON'T TELL ME! I still have a couple of episodes to watch.
The People have not shared anything from their meals for like TWO DAYS. They keep saying they're not eating anything kitty-friendly, but I don't believe it. I think they're just selfish and don't want to share.
Earlier today the Woman said she would make a lap tonight and we would start getting caught up on 2 weeks' worth of General Hospital. It's almost 10 p.m., and there's been no lap forthcoming.
She apparently does not realize how important it is we get caught up. STUFF IS HAPPENING! And I'm MISSING it!
The warm air blowing thingy has not come on nearly enough.
The People keep picking me up and holding my head so they can look at my chin. It's a zit, People. It's not going to start doing magic things, like wave at you or start dancing. Leave it alone.
Buddah keeps breathing.
The Woman insinuated that I need to write another book so that I can pull my weight around here. She should talk.