The Office is no more.

I'm not sure what I think about this, but I suppose it's okay as long as it means we're not moving. The Woman moved all of her stuff into the bedroom. Desk, bookcases, everything. The Office is now just a mostly empty room. My window seat is still in there, but I don't like to lounge in there alone, so they might as well take it down.

But...and this is the good part...the bookcases are now right next to the big bed. And you know what this means? It means I can jump up there and then fly right off and onto the bed! And this is especially fun at 5 in the morning! I get a lot of speed going on that jump, too, so even if I don't land right on top of a Person, they know I've landed.

And another good part...if I want to nap in the same room with the Woman while she works, I have the entire big bed to stretch out on. I don't have to curl up in my little bed. Now, it's a nice little bed, but little is the key word there. I am a big cat, and need a big space to sleep upon. And it has the fuzzy blanket, which is always nice to sleep on.

Since the Woman is trying to concentrate on something, I think now would be a good time to go into the Office that is no longer an Office, and sing. With it so empty, it echoes. Kitty song echoes are a good thing to work to.

Right?

Ohhhhh...I learned something new and FUN!

When the People moved things around, they moved the Big Box that the Woman keeps all her clothes in into the bathroom. It's really big, so big that if I'm on top of it I'm almost as tall as she is.

Well, when I saw it in there I had to jump up on it. And once I was up there, I found the most Fun thing.

Light switches.

Yes, boys and girls, they gave me access to the light switches! And it only took a couple of minutes to figure it out! Forget those cheesy holiday TV commercials.

I AM THE CLAPPER!

Lights on, Light off, It's Max... Heh.

The People are so proud.

Cripes, these People never quit.

Ok, so Moving kinds of things are happening, but the Woman says we are not really going anywhere, we are just "rearranging." I think this is Human Speak for "I am bored, so I am going to torture you by moving things around."

While I do not like it, I think the Man likes it less since it means he has to do most of the grunt work.

This evening they moved the big bed from one wall to another, and I am not going to point out that there is a big stack of boxes next to it now, so in the morning when she doesn't get up when I want her to, I can climb up there and jump right on top of her. It will be my special way of saying "Good Morning, get up and feed me!"

I think she'll be very impressed.

I sense bad things happening. Really bad things. Like MOVING bad things.

Today while I was minding my own business, stretched out on the big bed (um, okay, I was licking myself, but I HAD to) the Woman came in and she started pulling stuff off the big comfy chair. And then she took it out of the room.

I'm not stupid, I stayed put. there was no way I was leaving the room, just in case she decided to move me, too.

But later I had to go out, because I was hungry and my crunchy food is in the kitchen. And after I ate, I wandered into the living room, and holy cow! Everything was in a different place!

Last time she moved things around, it ended with the 4 day ride in the plastic tomb. And I refuse to do that again.

I just don't like the looks of things. Something is up, and no one consulted me on what I think about it. I think we should leave things well enough alone!

No, I will not lick the floor.

Can you believe that the Woman actually just asked me to do that? She was puttering around the kitchen after dinner and spilled some juice from the perfectly good live dead meat on the floor, and then she looked at me and asked, "Would you lick that up for me?"

Do I look like a dog?

I was more than happy to eat some of the meat she offered me, in nice bite size pieces, but I draw the line at performing dog-like chores.

If she ever spills shrimp, then we'll talk, but until then, every time she asks me to lick something up, I'll just lean back, hike a leg up, and lick myself.

OK, this is just wrong.

The Woman has been eating my crunchy treats. I'm not kidding! I caught her! She denies it and says they are not kitty crunchy treats, they are People crunchy treats called M and M's but I'm not stupid and I'm not blind. She got them from the same part of the kitchen where my crunchy treats are kept, and they're in the same kind of bag. Oh, she's been getting them out of a GIANT bag, but it looks the same, and it closes the same.

She's eating my crunchy treats!

Do I get any?

Noooooo... I get "You just had dinner, Max" or "You've had enough today, Max" or "Cat, we gave you steak tonight, you don't need treats."

Well she had steak, too, and she got some of my treats.
I want my freaking crunchy treats.
I am so going to bite her when she's asleep.

Yesterday they were late with my dinner. Really late. The Woman went somewhere in the early afternoon and she didn't come home in time. I had to wait for the Man to get home. He fed me, but then he left! Like I didn't have anything to say to him after I was done eating.

Let me tell you, I had plenty to say and no one to say it to. It was bad enough that I was made to go hungry for an entire half hour longer than I should, but it was not warm enough in here while the People were gone, so my fur got a little bit cold. And I felt like singing, but there was no one to listen, so what's the point?

Look, I don't mind them being gone once in a while, like when I'm napping, but they need to be here when I'm awake. I might need something. Or just want to talk. People never want to talk, not unless you're busy doing something else. Like pooping.

Why is it they pick then to walk into the bathroom? And why do they stay, and keep talking? Do they not see that I'm BUSY? And not in a particularly conversational mood at the moment?

People, if you want to talk, stick around after I have dinner. I'll go to the litterbox, and then come back out and tell you everything I want to say.

Like, turn up the freaking heat.
And be home on time.
And buy me more crunchy treats. I think we're running low.

Gosh.
It's pretty.
And it has me on the cover.

Right after I posted about the Woman and her stinky breath, the man with the big brown truck came (but I didn't see the truck) and brought her a copy of my book. I'm even on the back cover!

Here's the thing about the book: it's got my entire blog in it, but much, much more. I only posted about a third of the things I was writing, and I saved most of the best of myself for the book (because, of course, I knew from Day One I would write a book. I'm just brilliant that way.) If you like my blog, you will love my book.

I promise.

Well, not in a money-back-guarantee kind of way, but I know you. You're smart. You'll know great writing when you read it.

Tell all your friends.
Have your friends tell all their friends.
'Cause, you know, I really need to sell a bunch of copies.
And you'll buy one, I know.

You like me, you really like me...
Right?

http://www.psychokittyspeaksout.com

It's not begging. It's pimping...

The Woman says she's waiting with bait on her breath for the big brown truck to bring a copy of my book today, but I crawled into her lap and stretched up to catch a whiff, and I don't smell anything fishy. It was very disappointing. 'Cause if there's bait around, and it's fishy bait, I want some.

I own them.
I totally own them.

Early this morning (the Woman said it was the middle of the night, but that's because she's just lazy) I really missed my water thingy, so I sat there and called out for someone to come fix it. And later on, when it was time to get the Woman up, I kept asking again and again, "Will you fix my water thingy? Will you? Please?"

And I sat there and stared at it.

She said it was broken, there was no fixing it. I was mighty upset, let me tell you, so I kept insisting. "The Man can fix it. Tell the Man to fix it."

Well now. You know what they did?

They went out and got me a brand new water thingy!

Oh yeah.
We know who's in charge around here.
Some days, it's so good to be me.

My Water Thingy broke.
Now I have to drink water that just sits there.
Let me tell you, that doesn't taste nearly as good.
Plus it's not very fun.

I did NOT cuddle with the Woman this morning!
I did Not, I did Not, I did Not!
No matter what she says, there was no spooning involved.

I was just cold, and she was warm.
That is all.

Conversation With The Woman:

Me: May I have some crunchy treats, please?
Her: It's not time for dinner, Max.
Me: I didn't ask for dinner.
Her: You still have an hour and a half.
Me: A few crunchy treats will tide me over.
Her: That's 90 minutes.
Me: Please?
Her: You won't starve before then.
Me: I said please...
Her: Well, do you want some treats? That might help your tummy not growl until dinner time.

I swear, it's like we're speaking two different languages...

I did not see this one coming.

The Man did not get up at 4:30 this morning as he usually does. When that happens it is my JOB to make sure he wakes up in time to go out into the world to pass gas. And I have to let the Woman know, too, so that she can wake up and be sure that he's up. I do it nicely; I sing at the top of my little lungs, hitting notes that only dogs and pissed off humans can hear.

Since the Man was banished to the Other Room last night for Multiple Snoring Violations, I had to do my singing while walking up and down the hall, so that both the People could hear.And I know they both heard because the Man got up for 6.2 seconds, and then the Woman got up.

You know what she did?

She picked me up, took me into the bedroom and shut the door. I was locked in there, the Man had gone back to bed and was surely already asleep, and she was going to let him!

Well. I showed them.

I curled up on the bed with the Woman and went to sleep. If they don't appreciate the lengths I go to to make sure the Man gets out the door in the morning, then I'll just snooze. Let's see how they like that.

I did it.
I killed the squirt bottle thingy this morning.

The Woman didn't want to get up and give me my Stinky Goodness, so she picked up the squirt bottle and pointed it at me so Id run away. And I did, I jumped off the bed and ran. But while she was feeling smug and superior I circled the bed and jumped up quietly, then stalked the bottle sneakily, and before she could turn it and aim, I pounced and knocked it to the floor.

It was dead, I'm sure of it.

I must have been dead, because she finally got up and gave me my Stinky Goodness. She grumbled and I think she said some bad words, but up she got, and dead the bottle remains on the bedroom floor.

If I could get it into the bathroom, I'd bury it in my box.

If I'm standing outside the bathroom door being very vocal, I am not "crying" because I want my litterbox cleaned.

I am yelling at you, demanding to know why you let it get to the point where I don't care to use it. Scooping is not enough. I want fresh clean litter at least twice a week.

But I'm not crying.
I am not a wuss.
Just particular.

The Woman is trying to figure out what got into me this morning, but the real issue is what got into her?

I fully intended to let her sleep in this morning, but as I sat there on the bed, waiting patiently (even though my tummy was growling awfully hard) I smelled something. It was that wonderful odor of something deeply disgusting. Something I have to investigate.

So yeah, I did it again.
Only this time, I really did it.

I jammed my nose up one of her nostrils as far as I could, and sniffed hard.

It was wonderful, really, but the Woman was not impressed at all. She shared no thrill in my aromatic wanderings. Her eyes snapped open and she muttered something about Jesus and my copulatory lack of sanity, but I don't think she was really mad.

But judging from that smell, whatever it is, it definitely got into her, not me.
Whatever it is, I think it died in there.

Just more proof of my innate adorability...

Look.

Last week the Man moved my Supreme Commander Kitty Tower (full picture here, 'cause I'm adorable) from the Woman's office (where it was just no fun, even with the bookcases to walk on) to the living room, where it's a lot more fun. I can get a running start and zoom around it, and the People are more apt to play with me now that it's in there.

But look closer.
Above my head.

It's one of those warm air blowing things! At the old place they were on the floor, so when it was cold I spent a lot of time sleeping by them. But here, they did a kitty no good because they were up so high, and that made me mightily upset.

But now I can reach one! So if the Woman doesn't turn on that thing that looks like a fan but really isn't (let's face it, People can be selfish about that sort of thing,) I can go stand on my Supreme Commander Kitty Tower and warm up.

It is not fair to open a can of Stinky Goodness when the kitty is using his litterbox.

While most of the time being me is awesome, sometimes it bites. Like this morning, the people upstairs made a loud noise that woke the Woman up, and you know what she said? Do you???

"Oh Max, what did you do now?"

Well.

It wasn't me. And as soon as I meowed at her from the same freaking bed, she realized that. And she decided someone was breaking into the house. So while she got up, I crawled under the blankets to keep the mattress warm for her. Because I'm nice that way. Besides, I didn't want to see the possible end result of her stupidity. I mean, come on. Someone's maybe breaking into the house and she stumbles out there in pajama pants and a t-shirt, half asleep with her boobs flopping all over the place, to defend her turf. Yeah. That'll have a good outcome.

She finally realized it was the people upstairs. Then she decided to go back to bed. Well, by then I was hungry. But would she get up and feed me? No! She didn't go back to sleep--she turned the TV on instead--but she still made me wait!

Then. Then! She put this music on and she tried to sing with it! Oh holy Pope gnawing on a popsicle stick...she should never do this! First, she doesn't know all the words so she makes things up. Second, she can't hold a freaking tune anyway. But still she sings!

I jumped in her lap and put my paw over her mouth, but she thought that was funny and sang even more.

=sigh=

Later on, when I was curled up in the office chair, she decided if she didn't get online right then she was going to die, so she moved me from the chair to my bed. What the heck? She has a laptop, she could have used that elsewhere.

I swear, she doesn't appreciate me.
I think I'm going to bit her later.
If she starts singing again, I really will.

Wow, being nice to the Woman really pays off. Today she came home with this big pillow and said it was for me, a new cushion for my bed. She seemed quite proud of it because it was "only $5" (like I needed to know that...make me feel special why don't you and say it was very, very expensive?) and said it would be more comfy than the old cushion.

Well now. Let me tell you...the outside of the pillow feels like the inside of a soft sweatshirt. She put it in the bed basket and then put my special fuzzy pad on top like always, but I had to see how it felt so I climbed right under that pad and curled up. It's like clothes out of the dryer, and no one will get mad if I get my fur all over it!

If I'm nice to her every day, I could wind up with a house full of fun stuff, just for me!

Edit to add: Picture!

I was nice this morning. I announced when the Man left to pass gas, but only for a moment, and after that I curled up on the bed and waited for the Woman to wake up. She was half an hour late with my Stinky Goodness this morning, but so grateful that I let her sleep that she fed me before doing anything else. It totally screwed her up, I think, because she forgot to make the bed after she got dressed. Normally that would upset me, but there was a nice flat place right in the middle for me to nap in today, and I could even get under the blankets. So now when she goes to bed tonight, there will be a nice later of fur on the sheets to help keep her warm.

She'll complain that it's getting up her nose and in her mouth, but deep down I know she'll be happy because it will just mean more warmth.

Today she's been saying bad words to the computer, but I don't think she's mad at me at all, because I got some crunchy treats this afternoon. But I tell you what, whoever Uncle Sam is, he better watch out because she's mightily pissed off at him. I think she dislikes him as much as she seems to hate this guy Bill who sends her a lot of snail mail.

Man...It's like 45 minutes until dinner time--I know this because every time I open my mouth the Woman tells me how much longer--but I'm hungry NOW. Not just a little bit hungry but REALLY hungry. So hungry I think my tummy is turning inside out. Really really really hungry. Well, not hungry enough to munch on that dry crap. Just hungry enough to feel like I have to let the Woman know every 2.75 seconds that I am very close to dying right here in the middle of her office. Really. I think I am. If I don't get my Stinky Goodness soon, I am going to drop to the floor in a pile of black and white emaciation. Don't think I won't...

Ok, the Woman has been looking and looking and looking and looking for the "real" name of my Supreme Commander Kitty Tower because some people want to know what it really is so they can get it for their kitties. This is a good thing, because every cat needs one.

Today the Man moved it from her office, where it was just no fun to play with, to the living room, where it will be. And the Woman looked all over it and got information off the back of it, and then found it at a website here. You can also Goolge "Kitty Kat Tower" (use the quotes) to find mre web sites (but most of them seem to be in the U.K.)

There was more info on the back. All it said was this:

Kitty Kat Tower (on a sticker) and not on the sticker was:

P.O. Box 1246
Arlington TX 76004-1246

TOOL DF01

Sometimes she sees the Kitty Tower at Petco, but she bought mine at an independent pet store 3 years ago. And from Googling she thinks the manufacturer might be DOSKOCIL, but she's not positive.

Now. Go buy one for your kitty. Because we need them.

Edit to add: more Googling reveals the manufacturer is indeed Doskocil, and they have a website at petmate.com but they only have the Kitty Kat Tower Jr on their page...