She did not have any Stinky Goodness to feed me this morning!!!

I let her sleep in, even, and when she finally got up--6 minutes late, I might add--she sat up and said "Oh no!" before going into the kitchen.

She scrambled around, looking in the pantry and cupboards, and said, "We don't even have any tuna..."

I didn't care about the tuna, give me my Stinky Goodness! We can have tuna for lunch!

After the scrambling about the kitchen she looks down at me and says there is no Stinky Goodness. None. I sat down, looked up at her, and said "You better get your ass dressed and go off to where ever it is you procur my Stinky Goodness, and you better be back within 20 minutes or I'm hocking the World's Biggest Hairball onto your pillow."

Lucky for her, she was back within 20 minutes...and she tried to smooth it over by telling me she found a new flavor for me.

Oh yeah, like you ran out of Stinky Goodness on purpose, just so you could get me something new.

Tuna and Mackerel is quite tasty, I must say. But we could have managed this tasty find by getting it before running out of my food!

This is what I get for letting her sleep in. It really is true, no good deed goes unpunished.

Oh holy...

They moved more stuff around today. Dont ask me why, they're just People, no one said they had to make any sense. This time they moved the dresser back into the bathroom (so I can turn the lights on and off again) and pushed the bookcases away from the window in the bedroom.

Now, granted, the moving of the bookcases is good for me so I can look out the window, but the moving of the dresser makes it impossible for me to jump onto the top of the bookcases. And I loved that!

I'll need to make it clear that I expect them to come up with something else to strategically place so that I can get up there.

I just wish they'd figure out where they want stuff to be and leave it there!

Is it really so hard?

I WANT MY FUN PARTS BACK!!!

The girl kitty was back today, sitting outside by my window, and she was howling for me. She even went to the front door and howled there, trying to get the People to let her in. She yowled and hollered and begged, but nope...they didn't let her in.

I suppose it's a good thing they didn't because she would have been seriously disappointed...dangit, why do People think they have a right to do THAT to a kitty? Could they not foresee I might actually need those things in the future???

I was so upset I almost took back the birthday present I got the man (he turned, like, old today) but I didn't. *I* was nice.

Never ever trust people when they're saying "Let's go for a car ride." 'Cause you either move, or they cut things off.

And dammit, that is one sweet looking girl kitty, too.

All I was doing was walking down the hallway, minding my own freaking business, when the Woman kicked me. She kicked me! One giant foot, right against my side.

And you know what she said?
Do you?

She told me to stop walking between her legs! As if it was my fault!

Look, People, you're the ones with these gargantuan, stinky, smelly feet...maybe you should watch where you put them.

Isn't that the idea? The big things look out for the little things?

We're kitties!!! We're smaller than you!!!

Cripes, it's just like when she tries to sit in a chair I've just jumped into. Don't you think that when she sees me looking up at the chair, with my little butt wiggling, that I'm probably going to get into that chair? And that plopping her humungous hind quarters into it at that very moment might do me bodily harm???

Come on. Kitties can sit n people, people can't sit on kitties.
It's basic physics!
Your large mass on my small mass=SQUISHY!

I think I need to write another book. Beware Of Stupid Humans And Their Giant Butts And Feet. Or maybe The One Where The Person Gets Stomped On.

I would, but then they'd take the royalties from that and buy themselves something that's NOT kitty crack.

Stuff was moved around the house again. It makes me very, very nervous when this happens, because at least once that's been followed by the Moving Of ME for 4 whole days.

I'd like to stay put, thankyouverymuch.

Is there some speific reason why people can't just leave things alone? It doesn't matter where a thing is as long as it being there suits me. Moving it does not suit me, not at all.

Oh, and I trapped the Woman in the bathroom with me this evening. By the time she got out she was gagging and her eyes were watering.

Yes, I am rather proud.

I would have liked to have weighed that sucker.

Dear People:

When you suddenly develop a new spot of color on your body, do you immediately start chasing each other around, trying to scrub it off?

Do you hold each other down and run a fingernail over it?

Do you take off your glasses and get your faces within a millimeter, breathing your nasty people-breath on each other, just so you can get a better look?

Well then stop tying to figure out my new mole! That's all it is! It's a tiny spot of pigment, It happens!

I did not touch my nose to a pen.
I am not developing face cancer.
It is not worth looking at twice.

Leave my new nose spot alone! Quit breathing on me! Go pick at your own zits and moles and boogers!

Sheesh. Get a life already.

Wow. The Woman really did not want to get up early to open a can of Stinky Goodness for me. Not at all.

I asked nicely, crawling onto her chest, placing my paw upon her throat, gently, with only enough force to make her gag a little, and asked her to please get up because I was starving.

Holy crap.

She sat up, I tumbled to the bed, and in an other-wordly, deep, booming voice she told me to leave her the %#@* alone unless I wanted to eat my own bee-hind for breakfast.

I think her eyes glowed red, and I wouldn't be surprised if her head spun around two or three times. I don't know that it didn't; I scrambled off the bed and hid in the bathroom for a few minutes.

I was hungry, not stupid.

And I was considerate. I let her sleep for another whole 15 minutes before I asked for food again. But I bet she didn't appreciate that, not one bit.

Well now. I tnink the Woman learned a lesson this morning.

If you're going to change the litter box late at night, it's probably not advisable to just tie up the plastic bag the old litter is in and leave it in the bathroom so that you can take it out in the morning. Because if you do that, a kitty is likely to be curious and try to rip the bag open, so that he can re-bury what smells like it obviously wasn't properly buried the first time around.

Not that I'd do that.

I'm just sayin'...

The Man has been home the last few mornings, so I decided to spread myself out, so to speak. I figured, "Hey, he has thumbs, he can open a can of Stinky Goodness. Let's get him up instead!"

It seems, however, the Man has less appreciation for having a cat flop down on top of his chest and walk across his face in the morning than the Woman does. But he did get up, after a time.

I don't know what People think the deal is. They want us to sit in their laps, but when we feel like plopping down on top of them it's "No, I want to sleep. No, it's not time to eat." Or worse, "Hey, I can't breathe with you sprawled across my face!"

Hey, get up and feed me, and you can breathe all you want.

How's this for freaking fair--the Younger Human gave me some fresh kitty crack today, some really good stuff that had me practically flying. I tore around the house for a little bit, wound up in the Man's computer room, and while I was going fairly apeshit in there, I spotted it.

It was like God opened up the heavens and shined this beam of light on it.

A bag of crunchy kitty treats. Right there on a tray by the man's desk. A beautiful bag almost full of kitty treats. I stopped running around and stood very carefully on my back legs and reached up to get them...and I did! I got the bag off the tray without making any noise and without knocking anything else off the tray. It was sealed shut, but I figured, hey, I have teeth! I'll get it open one way or the other.

So I started gnawing on it. Biting and pulling and tearing with my teeth. And just when I had a hole big enough to tease a treat or two out, the Younger Human walked in and he took the bag away!!!

All that work, and he took it away.

He got me all hopped up, and he took t away.

Ok, he did give me a couple of treats just for being clever, but I could have had the whole freaking bag!

I think I earned that bag.
I earned all those treats.
And here I thought he really liked me. I had the bag, it was mine!

I spent a good part of this afternoon having a conversation with a girl cat who was hanging around outside, right under one of my wndows. She kept trying to get me to come out and play, but I didn't want to: there are Sticky Little People out there, plus really big birds and I've seen a couple of huge dogs pooping out there.

Nope, I wanted to stay inside where it's safe and where I have Stinky Goodness every day.

But then she told me why she wanted me to come outside. Dangit!!!! If the People had not had THOSE cut off, I could have had a REALLY good time today.

Man, that girl cat was just howling for me.

All.
Freaking.
Afternoon.

The People hate me. They must have hated me on sight to do that to me. And to think I've been nice to them the last couple of days. I'm going to bite one of them tonight while they're sleeping.

Something to ponder: is this cause and effect?

The Man woke up a little early this morning, and after going to the giant litterbox he scooped me up and took me into his computer room, where he shut the door and then laid down and went back to sleep.

I was hungry, BUT... I stayed very quiet, looked out the window, and waited.

He woke up almost an hour past my breakfast time, but I stayed quiet the whole time.

Tonight--I got steak!

I think 'cause I let him sleep, the effect was some nice fresh dead live meat.

Cat science.
Or psychology.
Whatever gets me steak.

And let's hope he doesn't look in his closet to find the present I left him when thought I was going to be starved to death...

I discovered a new way to play Annoy the Woman this morning. It was great fun, and everyone should try it at least once. It's easy and it requires nothing but your time and energy, and an imagination.

This is how it works:

First, your Woman (or any of your People) must be in bed and be asleep. Or if not completely asleep, partway. You know, that early morning snoozing thing where they don't really want to get up? That's the perfect time.

Ok, jump up on the bed, softly, as to not disturb the sleeping giant.

Now...you know those laser pointers they like to shine on the floor so they can get a good laugh while we chase the moving red dot? Pretend someone is shining one of those on the bed. Pretend it's zipping all over the bed at high speed.

Chase it. No, it doesnt matter if there's really a dot. Chase a pretend one.
Pretend it lands on your person.
Pounce.
Repeatedly.

When your person decides you're insane and sits up to find out what the heck you're doing, pretend that red dot has landed on their forehead. Jump and swat them on the forehead with your paw. As hard as you'd like.

When you think they're going to get out of bed and kill you, run off.

Trust me, this is great fun.

The Man brought home a really big box for me last night. It's a lot bigger than I am tall, so it takes some effort to get into, and a lot more to get out of. I was feeling a little bit lazy last night, so when I wanted out I started howling, which always brings the Woman running to find out what's wrong. She laughed at me, but she lifted me out of the box, which was my whole goal anyway.

There's also a small box on the sofa that the Younger Human left for me to play in. That box is tons of fun, except when it tumbles off the sofa with me in it. There's got to be a way to run around inside the box without it falling off the sofa...and you'd think that after watching me go =splat= on the floor once they'd take it off the sofa, but nooooooo...they just laughed and stuck it right back up there. They laughed even more when I got back into it, but they just don't understand. It's a box. I have to play in it.

But all the box playing made me wonder--whatever happened to my see-through box? That was the Best box Ever!

They better not have thrown it out. Because if they did, I'm going to have to poop on someone's pillow. Or worse.

Truthfully, I did not try to kill the Woman this morning. In fact, I was being nice, all quiet and everything, until it was just a couple of minutes before it was time for She Who Feeds Me to wake up to do just that.

I did not sing, I did not whine; all I did was crawl gently on top of her to curl up and wait for her eyes to open.

It's not my fault that People have such delicate throats. Nor is it my fault that she suddenly started to gag and flail about like a not yet dead fishy tossed to the ground. And it's not my fault that my back paws just happened to be right there in the middle of her throat...well, that might be my fault, but it's not my fault my claws are so pointy.

I was just being nice.

Freaking.
Being.
Nice.

I should know better.

The Woman was curled up on the bed, sort of watching TV, and I thought that she looked a little sad. So I thought, what better way to make her happy than to sing for her?

So I did.

I sat in the middle of the bedroom floor and sang my little heart out.

First she sort of sits up and asks, "Are you all right?"

Well. Bite me.

But I kept singing, because, you know People are kind of worthless when they're sad.

Then she leaned over the bed and informed me the box was clean enough to use, if that's what I was complaining about.

She just didn't get it. So I sang louder.

Then she sat up and said "Enough!"

She has no appreciation of my talents, nor of my intent. But she did get off the bed, and it was nice and warm for me to lie upon to nap.

Your Job As A People:

• Get up when I ask, and feed me.


• Make the bed, taking care to smooth out the giant fuzzy blanket.


• Be quiet while I take my nap.


• Give me treats when I ask for them.


• Get out of the big comfy chair when I change nap locations.


• Stop sayingt the words "It's not time." I'll tell you when it's time.


• Feed me dinner when I want dinner, not when you feel like feeding me.


• Cook only kitty friendly things for your own dinner, and share them.


• Don't tell me to shut up when you trying to fall asleep. "Shut up" is rude.


• If I'm singing or talking all night long, enjoy it, don't complain


• When night is over, repeat the process

Is that so hard? Is it really?

Today I got email from a Sticky Little Person who said she was saving her money to buy my book.

Peoples...I think it's only fair that I should tell you my book is not for young eyes. It is true that I have a potty mouth and I use words only grown ups should hear, and words I should probably never say anyway (I'm working on it... but the Woman wakes up every morning saying them to me when I step on her nipples, so they kind of stick in my head.)

The Woman says that after she's done getting someone else's book to print, and gets her new computer (does that make this one mine, all mine??!!??) that she'll help me create a more kid-friendly version of my book. With bigger letters to read easier.

So.

While I would love to have ALL your money so I can buy LOTS of kitty crack...I don't want to sell to kids. So if they ask you to use your credit card to order it, please say no, not until the kid friendly version is out.

I mean, it's not kitty porn or anything, I just use some bad words.

Ok, this ranks right up there with "Things A Kitty Should Not Do But Are Funny Anyway:"

When the Woman is shooting up injecting herself, it's probably not the best idea to run up behind her and then wrap my paws around her leg.

On the other hand, that needle went in and out enough times to give her a mini-tattoo, and she's said before she wants a tattoo...

Evidently, I "talk too much."
Evidently, no one wants to converse at 3:30 a.m.
Evidently, that I have things to say doesn't count.

It doesn't matter that it's 3 a.m.
If there's something on my mind, I'm going to say it.
Even if it means waking People up.

Sheesh, I thought they had figured that out already.

I've noticed, there's a hierarchy to living with People.

It's well established that I have the Woman pretty much where I want her. I say "get up and feed me," and she does. Eventually. I say, "I want to sit in that chair, so move," and she gets up. Eventually. If I start singing at 3 a.m., she calls me to the bed and pets me. I have her trained to give me bites of steak and chicken.

But there's another step in the order of hierarchy here. Tonight the Man was heading outside to take trash out, and she sat up straight as asked him to wait because she had something that needed to go out.

And he waited! He stood there for about 3 minutes, all for the honor of taking to the dumpster a great big bag of cat poop.

I think it was cat poop.

I don't think it belonged to the Woman, but I suppose I could be wrong.

I'm pregnant!!!