♫♪ Spider cat, spider cat, does whatever a spider cat does...♫♪

THEY LOCKED ME IN THE OFFICE TODAY!

Seriously...I was in there sleeping on the desk chair, getting inspiration and energy for my book, when the Man brought in a big bowl of water and my crunchy food...and then he shut the door! They left me in there for over TWO HOURS. And this wasn't just 20 minutes that FELT like two hours. It was TWO REAL HOURS!

Worse, no one turned the computer on for me, so I couldn't even write or play on Facebook or read blogs. All I really could do was snooze.

When they let me out, the whole house smelled funny, but the kitchen floor sure was a lot cleaner. And then they left the house! They didn't even move my food back.

Later on, after dinner, though, the Woman set this up.

When they were out they bought me a brand new fountain! It looks just like my old one and just like the one in the other room, but it's NEW. And it's MINE.

I mean, I'll let Buddah drink out of it if he wants, but he prefers bowls, so the people have a big bowl of water out for him all the time.

It's not exactly just compensation for two hours of JAIL, but it's a start.

Nope, I have not gone back outside.
Nope, I have not even tried.
Hey, with this I could be a poet.
I have the talent and didn't know it.

Maybe I could write a song.
♫♪Ah-ah-ah Stayin' inside, stayin' in side, ah-ah-ah stayin' insiiiii-iiiid-iiiid. ♪♫

Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Doods?

Doods.

I did something totally out of character today.

Something I normally don't like to do, not at all.

I went outside.

Seriously.

The Woman had the back door open, and she was standing right outside the door, and I looked and just kind of...stepped out. And then I took two more steps, when she scooped me up and held me, so that I could get a good look at the outside.

And then it occurred to me: I AM OUTSIDE!

So I wanted to go back in.

And she obliged, setting me down on the floor by the door, which she then closed.

But doods.

I went outside.

I WENT OUTSIDE.
ON PURPOSE.

That's enough excitement for the weekend. I think I'll sleep through the rest of it.

Sigh.

Look at this.

Another dammit machine. And it's humping the thingy that the Woman had on one of the other dammit machines. And when she's on it, it's freaking loud.

Plus, I think if I get too close, it will eat my tail.

I am not in favor of this, not one bit.

I wasn't as worried about the last dammit machine she had in this room. She rarely uses it because it "kills" her knee (she can still walk, dunno what her problem is) but this thing? She used it for a long time tonight. I have a bad feeling I'm gonna be listening to this thing a lot more than I would like.

Dammit.

DOODS! LOOK! Mousebreath had a drawing for Jackson Galaxy's book, and I wanted it sooo bad because I TOTALLY LOVE HIM...and I WON! And I got it in the mail today!

But wait!
IT GETS BETTER!

He signed it, doods! And he signed it TO ME!
AND HE LOVES ME IN A MANLY WAY!!!
I think I peed myself a little when I read that.

Because, you know, Jackson is THE MAN and he totally gets us kitties, and he saves a lot of us from having some not so great lives. The Woman even learned things watching his show My Cat From Hell, things that made Buddah a little happier when he got to have a couple new high places (even though we already had a few...she figured he's a tree kitty and needs more, and it totally made him happy.) Plus, he has tattoos, so not only is he THE MAN but he's pretty badass, too.

And look! Mousebreath is even on the back cover!

I know this is presumptuous, but I totally have to get my new book finished so I can send him a copy. It won't be as good as his, I'm sure, but Chey keeps telling me it's the right thing to do. And Chey is wise, so I better listen to her.

I think tonight I am going to borrow the Woman's iPad and read this whole book...no, I don't want to read the print copy because DOODS WHAT IF I STAIN IT??? I am totally protecting this book FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I gotta go pee again.

Seriously? What the heck am I supposed to do with THIS?

The people were having dinner and I asked nicely for some, and this is what they gave me. And it was already half nommed on! The Woman was all, "Oh the cat I had when I was a kid liked to lick these."

Well I got news for you, lady, that was back before there was fire and that poor kitty probably had to lick whatever the heck was available to make sure starvation wasn't a certainty.

Really.

Who gives a cat a nommed on corn cob?

SHE LOCKED ME IN THE CLOSET!

FOR FOUR FREAKING HOURS!

I AM TRAUMATIZED!

PLEASE SEND REAL LIVE FRESH DEAD SHRIMP!

AND KITTY CRACK!

I MAY NEVER GET OVER IT!

5:30 in the damned morning. Even I was asleep, minding  my own freaking business, dreaming about breakfast and getting Purina Proplan Stinky Goodness with chunky stuffs covered in gravy. Buddah, on the other paw, was awake and apparently looking out the front window, because the girl kitty that likes to come up to the door and knock on the window there was outside and teasing him.

Seriously, she comes up and bangs on the window with her paw, and I think she knows it drives him 32 kinds of crazy. He gets so worked up that he's damn near frothing at the mouth. And when he gets that worked up and can't get to what he wants, he goes after something else.

At 5:30 this morning, that would be me.

Doods, he was freaked out! He went after me so fast and hard that I screamed bloody murder, the kind of scream that peels a Person up out of bed, gets them to put their glasses on, and has them down the hall in about 1.3 seconds.

He's not as innocent as he looks...

In that 1.3 seconds, Buddah let me go and went to the other window, because the girl kitty likes to go front window to window, making him follow and wheeze at her. The Woman stumbled out and heard him and knew instantly what was going on, but I wasn't there with him so she did a lot of asking, "Where's Max? Where's Max?" but the little shit was too busy with that girl kitty to pay attention to her. Plus, he was busy knocking books off the bookcase because they were in his way.

She finally came into the room where she watches TV and found me curled up on the floor by her chair, still a few degrees of freaked out, but I was obviously all right, and Buddah was making a beeline for the back patio door.

Now, it used to be that if the Woman looked out the door and turned the light on, the girl kitty would get scared and run, but she knows now that no one is gonna hurt her, so she stayed right there and tormented Buddah some more. He was wheezing and was kinda growly, and I was thinking that the Woman better not touch him unless she wanted to draw back a bloody stub.

She's been there, done that with him, so she just banged on the door and tried to make the girl kitty go away, but that took a minute or so before she got the message that the next step might be the opening of the door and a giant person chasing her across the lawn.

Buddah ran to the next window, just in case, but she finally went away. The Woman rubbed my head and told me I was fine, like I didn't already know that, and she said I could go back to bed with her, but honestly, I wasn't moving until I knew for sure that Buddah had calmed down some.

Sometimes, I think the little freak really is related to basement cat.

Ok, it's Mother's Day. The Woman isn't exactly my mother, though she's the closest thing I'll ever have and that's as good as the real thing, I suppose. And she's not a big fan of Mother's Day as it is; she figures she gets a birthday and gets presents then and that's a good time to be nice to her, and there's Christmas where she gets to buy presents and give them, which is her favorite thing, but Mother's day falls into the "Well, it's a nice idea BUT..." realm.

Yeah...she's "special..."

Now, she is a mother, having had the Younger Human and all, but she says that he's good to her all the time, and that's what matters. Today he's working and making the day a little nice for other moms whose kids are taking them out for a stellar and absolutely authentic Italian meal at the Olive Garden, and that makes her happy. Especially if they tip him well.

The People will get together with the Younger Human later this week, when he's not working and she's not all sneezy and coughy.

So, she's not my mother, but... yeah, all I got. And this isn't a Very Important Day to her, but I suppose some acknowledgment should be made. My original plan was to let her sleep in and curl up on her and purr in the morning, but then she went and got the head cold, so I kind needed to do that anyway in order to help her feel better.

I think it's working. She's all coughy today and says she feels drunk because the cold is in her ears, but she looks better and doesn't sound all gurgly.

But. What to do for Mother's Day since I had to do what I was gonna do anyway?

Pimp. That's what I can do. I will totally pimp her out.

Shuddup. Not like that.

You guys know she's a writer, right? She writes mainstream fiction that she calls "literary junkfood." It's not high brow, it's not gonna win any prizes, but that's not an insult. That's what she intended; books to pass the time. Beach reads, maybe. Brain candy. She has an official page at Amazon and everything.

But the latest one is to raise money for the boobies. All the money she earns off this book will go to either her boob walk or someone else's; after she walks for the boobies in July, she'll take the money and donate it to other people's walks.

It's an Amazon and Barnes & Noble in print, and it's on Amazon for the Kindle and Barnes & Noble for the Nook.

It's kind of a memoir and what's the boobie walk like? book all in one. And it's cheap. And did I mention, all the royalties go to the boobies? SAVE THE BOOBIES!

She's also got a few copies here if you want a signed one, but you'd have to ask her how to get one. I don't think she's thought that far ahead yet.

Those are her other books. And mine, too. For some reason, Amazon thinks she wrote them. Whatever gets me a paycheck at the end of the month...

Ok. I pimped her. I purred on her this morning. She looks and sounds better. I can go take a nap now.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms of sticky people and to the Moms of kitties out there. You're all real mothers...

Take that any way you choose.

Heh.

This could be the Woman. Except she has that whole drag king haircut going on. And she doesn't wear a robe, she sits around in a sleeveless t-shirt and black track pants. And she's barefoot and doesn't even own slippers. But it could still be her.

She's got a cold. JUST a cold. A little sneezing, a little coughing, a whole lot of sniffing and a great bunch of doing nothing productive.

We know she doesn't feel terrific, so yesterday when she was feeling all icky and decided to go back to bed for a little while, Buddah jumped up on the bed and stretched out across her neck and purred pretty hard, because she'd said she had a sore throat. He said she appreciated it, but I don't think he grasps that, "Gee, thanks" doesn't really mean what he thinks it means.

I'll let him think it made her happy, because he was being nice and all and she's not being polite because she doesn't feel so hot.

Today she's still feeling like carp, and hasn't done much more than sit here and play Bookworm on her computer while grumbling that some of the TV channels aren't coming in because our Dish is all wonky and she's a little too lightheaded to go outside and do anything about it.

Somehow she got her cold into her ears. I think that happened because she has this weird thing about not being able to blow her nose the right way, and when she tries things go all wrong, and she must have blown that snot in reverse and it went into her ears. But it's making her a little dizzy, so what does she do?

Our shower is not nearly this cool. Or clean.

She decides she'll feel better if she takes a shower.

Cripes...if you're dizzy and the only other People in the house is asleep, is it really a great idea to get into a slippery tub and run water all over your body?

Sigh.

I hate water, I really do. But she was all dizzy and determined to not smell so bad (to be fair, she did kinda stink) so I stayed right there in the bathroom, figuring if she slipped and fell I could go throw my body against the bedroom door hard enough and loud enough to wake the Man. 

Luckily, it was a short shower and she didn't fall or anything and even warned me to back up a little when she got out so that she wouldn't fling water on me.

But come on. Why take the risk in the first place?

Probably that snot she blowed back into her brain.

And she does smell better.

But...I'm kinda tired now and would like to take a nap, but she's sitting upright in the chair grumbling at the TV, and I think I need to keep an eye on her.

I need a pay raise.

This.

The People went out today, and then came home smelling like this.

A dog.

That Damned Dog Butters.

The Younger Human had Younger Human things to do today and someone needed to go take TDDB for a walk, so the People got in the car and drove for HOURS, at least 40 minutes, to go take him outside and let him wander around.

The Woman says his name should be Sir Sniffs-A-Lot because he did that dog thing where they stop every freaking three feet to sniff where other dogs have peed. The Man says he's just doggy Facebooking, but apparently didn't have a lot to say because he only left one status update.

Whatever. They were all OHHE'SSOCUTE and the Woman felt really bad when they were leaving because he got all whiny and crying and made them feel like trolls for leaving and not taking him with them. Well hells bells, they left there to come here so they damn well better NOT leave the Younger Human's place with him.

Then to add insult to injury, tonight the Woman had something for dinner that smelled really good, so I behaved and didn't pester her for anything, but she still didn't give me a tiny taste. So I asked her what bug crawled up her asterisk to make her so mean today but she just said I should eat that because flames would start shooting out my butt later.

That sounds kind of awesome, actually.

Now I'm sitting here, waiting and watching her, because if it was gonna happen to me it will surely happen to her, and I want to see.

I'll try to get pictures to share.

Doods, I have a depressed. Not only did I not get any of that pie, but I've noticed that I haven't been getting much of anything that's not dry crunchy cat food or stinky goodness. Normally when the people have dinner, if I'm very good and don't jump on the table or bite anyone, I get a tiny taste.

But lately...nothing.

Now, the Woman hasn't said anything about a diet or me needing to lose weight, and I think she would do me the courtesy of telling me if the noms were going to dry up because of my stunning girth. A lot of the time lately the people just haven't had dinner because they haven't been home, but they don't bring me anything. And when they have been home, she says, "You can't have any of this." And then she follows it with things like it has onions or it would make flames shoot out my asterisk.

Come on. Why can't they be home for dinner and why can't they have things that *I* like? Where's the real live fresh dead chicken? Where's the real live fresh dead cow? She mumbled something today about pork chops for dinner tonight, but doods, last time they had that I STILL didn't get any, because she said it had Terry's Yaki all over it and there was too much sodium in that for me.

That also begs the questions, who the heck is Terry and why is she yaking on their food?