14

The Younger Human came over today and something good almost always happens when he's here. Then a little while after he got here he and the Man and the Woman left, which got me REALLY excited because that almost always means they're going out to dinner and having something REALLY good...I tried to not get my hopes up because sometimes when they go out there are Stupid Drinks involved and the Woman leaves her brain at the food place, and if that happens. Well, no one is happy after that. Except for her.

But when they came home tonight, I smelled it before I could figure out how many Stupid Drinks the Woman had (two, as it turned out, and they were apparently effective), and she went into the kitchen to get plates for Buddah and me.

Doods.

REAL LIVE FRESH DEAD COW!

And it was really good real live fresh dead cow, the sirloin part that's all juicy and tender and it was cooked perfected, with some pink still in it.

Granted, the Woman walked in with it and cut it up and gave it to us, but I KNOW it was because of the Younger Human. Steak only happens when he shows up.

I think he took some home to That Damned Dog Butters, too. I can't complain about that, though, because Butters had to go to the stabby place today for a checkup, and that always sucks. He went to a new stabby person, one that DKM told the Woman about and it's, like, less than half a mile from where the Younger Human loves so Butters got to walk there. He LIKES walking outside, go figure.

But doods...I GOT STEAK!!!

15


Zzzzzzzzzzz

10

Guys...you are awesome. The Younger Human went and jumped in the water today for the Special Olympics, and he was able to do it because you guys donated a lot of money for him to do it. And doods, his entire team raised $16,300! That's going to help a whole lot of Special Olympics athletes this year...and for the fun stuff, his team got top community fundraisers AND best theme costume (like they did last year!) So yeah, I wanted to say THANK YOU. Because you really came through, and that touches my little black heart.

* * *

And doods...that Silverine is most definitely awesome. Buddah got a little aggressive, but only for a minute or so before he decided laying down was the better idea. The Woman says he's a paranoid stoner--I don't know how she knows that and she's not sayin'--but I'm a classic stoner.

Well duh. I'm always a classic. And classy, too.

* * *

Today, the Woman took out the broom and swept the kitchen floor. That is so rare that even though the broom scares me, I had to sit there on a chair and watch. She talked to me the whole time, probably to distract herself from the idea that she was actually doing something, and even let me sniff the broom handle and said, "See, it won't hurt you."

Well, yeah, not as long as I stayed in the chair. She's kinda clumsy sometimes, and she's dropped the broom before, and when it hits the floor it's LOUD, and I don't like that. But I watched her today, and doods...apparently she really wanted a witness to her efforts, because she gave me crunchy treats for being brave!

All I did was watch, but I'm not turning my nose up at crunchy treats.

* * *




I don't think he's going to catch it...


13

Doods.
Doods.
Doods.
Doods.
Wait.
Doods.

You are not gonna believe this stuff. It's like, hm, well, it's like. Wait. Doods. It was like this at first


We licked it up off the floor and off the nip banana where the Woman sprinkled some and then we just. Wait. You know. STARED at each other for like ten minutes because, dooods. Wait. Things were just, like. You know.

S    L    O    W.

And then they were like


Oh no you di'nt, you di'nt just look at me! I'mma gonna CUT YOU ONE and then the bitch slapping started and Buddah was all MineMineMineMineMine with the nip banana but I just went, like Oh chill yo' asterisk down you little beeyotch so he went and humped the giant nip toy while I nibbled on the banana and then doods that little chit LEAPED IN THE AIR and jumped on me and landed with his teeth in my neck! And I was all NU-UH! and made him get off me and the Woman was all, "Be nice" but it's not like she DID anything about him, so I got up and ran to the back door which took me like FIVE minutes because everything was all like S   L    O    W and doods, outside there was a rude introoder kitty so I started getting all, You better get the frak outta my yard while I pounded on the door with my mighty paws and the Woman turned around and was all, "Why are you screaming?" and she got up to look and sighed really hard and said, "It's just your friend."

Well. He's no friend of mine and I'm pretty sure he was just here to score, but it's bad enough I have to share with Buddah, so I went back to the nip banana and Buddah was passed out in MY bed so I poked him and he didn't move and the Woman was all, "he's breathing, right?" so I licked the top of his head and he opened one eye and it was like DEATH EYE so I backed away and nibbled on the nip banana where the Woman sprinkled the extreme kitty crack, and doods, things got so slow that I'm pretty sure it took me like TWELVE HOURS to walk over to the sofa, where I'm gonna stretch out and sleep for like five days or at least until dinner time, because, doods?

DIVA KITTY WAS AT MY HOUSE AND SHE LEFT ME SOME FOOD! I shit you not! The Woman opened the door and there was this thing on the porch, all spiffy looking, and it had MY name on it! So she opened the door and got it and brought it in and I sniffed it up and down and backwards and forwards and then the Woman opened the card and read it and it was from Diva Kitty!


Doods DIVA KITTY was at my house and I didn't even know it! I mean, I wouldn't have been able to open the screen door because I don't have a key but man we coulda sniffed each other or something and had a nice conversation about how stoopid people can be. I hope she doesn't get in trouble for taking DKM's car to come over here. I figure she had to drive, right? How else would she get here? I suppose she didn't knock because she knows the Woman is like 5 kinds of lazy and was probably still asleep and the Man was definitely asleep because he had to pass gas last night and went to bed when he came home, but the house is a mess because no one has mopped the kitchen floor in like a year or six weeks and it's pretty nasty, but the Woman is all, "Oh frak it, it's a horrible floor anyway" but doods, when things growing on it start moving on their own, it's probably time to clean up.

But man, I can't wait for dinner tonight so I can try the new foods cause there's LOBSTER in them and that's like a GINORMOUS real live fresh dead shrimp! But right now, doods, right now I need to move from here to there and, you know. Wait. Doods.

Doods.

Man it's a long way from the sofa cushion to the top of the couch. Like, miles.

Maybe I'll just nap right here.

6

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

Someone asked me at mousebreath! if I'd ever tried Silvertine and I hadn't but I wanted to because Spitty the Kitty really seems to like it, and today in the mail I got a package, and Skeezix's Food Lady sent me some! I had to take a nap and I was totally going to get whacked out on it but when I got up we had company and it's kinda rood to get stoned when you have company.

And doods, I did not run from him. I stayed right there in the room and didn't freak out or anything, because he as with the Younger Human, and even though they both smell like That Damned Dog Butters, if a person is with the Younger Human I figure they've got to be good.

But, I digress. I did not get to try my Silverine yet, but I will in the morning. I AM SO EXCITED!

I imagine it's gonna be a lot like this:


I will report back.

Stay tuned.

5

See these people?


They're begging. Especially the guy up front, the one with the beard and tie. That's the Younger Human. This Saturday is the day he jumps into freezing water for the Special Olympics. SPECIAL OLYMPICS, DOODS! He's not gonna shrink his nads for the heck of it, he's doing it to get money that helps the athletes be able to compete.

I hope there's gonna be pictures, because there's not much I enjoy more than seeing people do really weird things like freeze their asterisks off.

THIS SATURDAY, DOODS!!!

If you wanna kick a couple of bucks his way, click HERE. Well, not to HIM, to his fundraising thingy. He never gets to actually touch any money. It goes right to the Special Olympics. And it's totally worth it, because, really, there's not much that's better than a buncha zombies getting all nipply for a good cause.

13

I want some of the nip this guy got...


19

The Woman took this picture of me a little while ago. Other than the trash bag that was behind me, I think it's a mighty find picture.


Sadly, the picture doesn't show the awesomeness that happened just before she took it. I woke up from a nap and went into her office because she'd been in there doing stuff that probably wasn't work, but she wasn't there. So I figured I'd just jump in her chair and wait for her...and doods, when I got up there, I realized she'd been expecting me and left a bowl on her desk that had SIX Cheetos in it.

SIX!

FOR ME!

That was very considerate, and who am I to turn down a heartfelt offer of cheesy goodness? I licked all the cheesy off of them, and right about the time she came back in, I was done. She even asked me very nicely if I'd enjoyed them--I said yes I did, thank you--and then she said she would like to sit down, so would I please get out of her chair?

All right, it was, "You can get your ass out of my chair now," but I know what she meant.

Then she asked me if I'd enjoyed them, and as I thanked her again she snapped the picture with her phone.

Once in a while, a person just gets it right.

14






(Don't ask whose blood I used to make the heart. That'd be telling...)

14

This is totally something the people would do to me...




The Woman saw this online and snickered a little and then I saw it and thought OH NO, because there's a door between the clothes cleaning machines--WHERE MY LITTERBOX IS--and the hallway, and it has one of those little cutouts. The door is always open because I hate that thing, but if the door was ever closed, that's the only way in. I'd have to go poop on a pillow.

Oh. Maybe not so bad.

OH! Buddah would totally go through it! Hahahahahahahaha now I WANT them to do it! How the heck can I get them to do this? It would be AWESOME!

Man, I need thumbs...

14

OK, doods. We all know by now what a PTU is and we know that when it comes out that we should probably hide, lest the stabby things happen, but our people are getting sneaky and I thought you should be aware of their latest trick.

DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!


I don't know who this poor guy is, but I think he fell for it and went inside that PTU and then wound up at the stabby place getting all poke and prodded and stabbed and probably had bloods and pee stolen from him.

If you see a sign like this on a PTU, run. Run as fast as you can and get into your best hidy place. THERE IS NO TOONA!!! There is only pain and despair. There is only wrongness and meanness. No matter how exciting it looks and you'll surely get that, "well maybe it's true!" though creeping into your head, but take it from me...no toona will be found, and if there is, it's still TRICK TOONA and you'll wind up regretting it.

I aim to serve, here, doods.

Oh, and someone reminded me tonight...every year the Younger Human dresses up all funny and then goes to San Francisco and jumps into freezing cold water at great risk to his fun parts, and he does it all to raise money for the Special Olympics.

The Special Olympics is very important because it gives opportunity for lots of differently-abled people to do sports things, and they're a lot nicer than other sports people who get all "IN YOUR FACE!" when they win.

So if you like the Special Olympics, or just like me (and what's not to like) you can donate a few bucks to him by clicking HERE.

I thank you, he thanks you, the Man and the Woman thank you, and Buddah would, too, but he's up on top of the fridge trying to get into the pantry so that he can knock the Pop Tarts onto the floor so he's kinda busy right now.

13

Ok, so the Woman has been hogging the computer lately, sitting here tap-tap-tapping away at the keys likes she actually has anything worth saying, and when she isn't tapping she's staring at the monitor and every once in a while she says something profound like, "Huh," or "Hmm," but I don't think she's been actually working on anything that's going to bring in some dollars to buy me some real live fresh dead shrimp or a new bag of crunchy Temptations.

I thought I was going to get a shot at the computer earlier today, but doods, she closed the freaking lid and then went outside to practice walking again. COME ON. We're now into year two of all this practicing of putting one foot in front of the other and not falling on her asterisk. If she doesn't have it all figured out by now, I'm pretty sure she's not going to.

At least leave the computer on for me, sheesh.

But, I admit, I considered that she might be doing something important, like maybe filling up all the massive empty places inside her head, but doods I checked her browser history because in the filling up of her head in order to displace all the hot air, I heard her laugh, and laughing is not learning. And I found this:



She thinks this is funny! That poor kitty probably lost at least PART of one of his lives he was so scared.

She's just...wrong.

12

Dood, just....dood...