The Woman has spent most of the last 2 days in bed. Granted, she gets up to feed me, but she's taking up space on MY premium napping surface. And she sounds funny, like someone stuck a fire thingy down her throat.

I figured she didn't feel well, so I sucked it up and let her have the bed. For a while, when she was on her back, I curled up on her tummy and purred hard, because that might help.

It better help. Tomorrow is Feline Appreciation Day, and she has to be all better so she can appreciate me!!!

The Woman's closet has no door handle. To get in you just pull and it opens. Easy. And there's lots of fun things to explore in the closet...a pile of blankets, old broken shiny things (she says they're "trophies" but I haven't figured out what she's ever done that's so spectacular she'd get an award for it,) and there are lots of her favorite shoes to sniff and throw up in.

It's just a fun place.

When you open the door, it makes this "thoooiiiiinnng" kind of sound. It's a funny kind of sound, but it's not very loud.

Well, it's not usually loud.

Evidently, at 2 a.m., it's quite loud and can make her jump out of bed huffing, "What the he..."

And then she asks, "What do you think you're doing?"

Duh, lady, I'm getting into the closet.

One would think she'd be very proud of me for being able to open the door by myself, so I don't have to wake her up to do it for me. But no...she's never proud of the things I learn.

That's probably why she took the dresser out of the bathroom. Just so I wouldn't have a place to stand where I can reach the light switches.

Come March 1st she better do more than her fair share of feline appreciating.

Attention fellow kitties:

Our Felinely President, Larry has thoughtfully declared March 1st to be Feline Appreciation Day. Make sure your People know about it, because its observance is now LAW, and it means you get SHRIMP! Or other live dead fresh things that you so enjoy. And kitty crack. Yes, lots of kitty crack.

I am so grossed out today, I'm not sure I can even describe the horror of this morning.

The Woman simply did not want to drag her sorry butt out of bed this morning, so I did a little tap dance across her stomach,a little not-so-gentle body slamming across several different body parts, and when she still didn't budge, I crept up next to her head, stuck my nose in her ear, and inhaled deeply.

That usually works.

But this time. Gag me. This thing came out of her ear. It was big and sticky and kind of flaky, and it stuck to my nose. It was disgusting.

And she woke up all right...I was thrashing around, trying to get her ear crap off my nose, and she just laughed at me. Did she try to help? Hell, no that would have been the NICE thing to do.

That stuff was so obnoxious that I didn't even bother to taste it to see if it was edible.

Just... -gag-

There was no shrimp today. Not only that, but while they were moving the Younger Human's things in, they moved the dresser out of the bathroom. You kno what that means? It means I can't reach the freaking light switch, so I can't amuse myself by turning the bathroom lights off and on!

Then this afternoon, while I was eating my dinner, the Man set off the smoke alarm. At first I thought "Dinner is ready!" but then I realized the Woman wasn't even cooking. The noise was especially loud, so I went to the back of the apartment to get away from it (no, I didn't run and hide like a girly man...I just needed to get away from it) and when it was quiet again, my head hurt from all the loud noise and I had to lie down. I left my dinner in the kitchen!

Lucky for me the Woman wasn't foolish enough to get rid of it. Because then I would have had to get all bitey on her, and she doesn't taste as good as fish.

Ok, you are totally not going to believe this.

When the People were talking about another "move" they were serious.

But get this--we didn't move! Today they locked me in a room, and a little while later (not that long, believe it or not) when they let me out, the room that used to be the office had stuff in it. Like a bed and other things. And I went in there and investigated for the longest time, and you know what?

All that stuff smells like the Younger Human! And better yet, he's here, and he's in the living room watching the TV. I think he's staying!

Yesterday I got shrimp, and today I got my Younger Human!

Yep, most days it is so freaking sweet to be me.

Finally.
Shrimp.
Two whole cut up pieces of fresh live dead shrimp.
It's about freaking time.
They may now stay...

I am a very tired kitty. The Woman hasn't slept well the last couple of nights, and when she doesn't sleep, I don't sleep. Not that I'm sympathetic. She just gets out of bed and turns lights on and plays on the computer, which keeps me awake.

Not terribly considerate of her. Some of us don't NEED beauty sleep, but snoozing for a few uniterrupted hours would be nice.

And I still haven't gotten my freaking shrimp.

The Man came to the rescue and fixed the problem that was making the Woman say such nasty things to the computer. She still doesn't like the computer and says that she's going to take it outside and shoot it as soon as she can buy a new one, but as long as I can use it, I don't care. If she gets a new one, it needs to have a screen like her TV has. Something really big so I can see my picture even better.

But the reall issue of the day: a few days ago I overheard the Woman talking into the thing she holds up to her ear, and I specifically heard her say that I deserved some shrimp. But you know what? I have not gotten any shrimp, and I've been extremely patient about it. It's time to cough up the shrimp, Woman! You told the ear thingy that I deserved some, so where the heck is it???

I'll be nice. I'll share some of it with the Man. But you better go get my shrimp. You own things that you really like that my teeth can turn into kitty art. Remember that...

Man, I don't know what the computer did to the Woman, but she has been saying very, VERY bad words to it for the last couple of days. Words she usually only uses when I'm trying to get her up 2 hours early. I think she broke it, because we're having to use the laptop, and I don't really care for the laptop. I like the bigger screen on the other computer; my picture on it just seems all that more glorious. As it should be.

I overheard the People say the word "move" again, and I am not happy. Did she or did she not tell me we're NOT moving again? I think she did! So what the heck is up with talking about it again?

If they try to stick me in the plastic tomb and back into the car, I am going to bite like I have never bitten before...

It's not fair to have something on the table that smells really good, like it could be something snack worthy. If it's there and I want to try it, I will.

But nooooo...I take a bite and the Woman gets all bent, chasing me off the table saying, "Those are flowers, not catnip."

Well now. I just happen to know that if you let catnip grow, it has flowers. So what makes her think some of that isn't catnip? Maybe some of it was meant for me and not just her.

She thinks she scared me away from the flowers, but I figure I'll just wait for her to go into the other room, and when she does I'm going to stick my face right into the middle of all that stinky happiness, and munch until I puke.

Did you know that if your human female is sleeping on her side, and you step on one of her boobs, you can pinch a nipple hard enough that she'll practically fly out of bed?

You should try it sometime. It's great fun and quite entertaining.

KITTY CRACK!!!!!

Ok.
This is just mean.

The Woman got up this morning and shuffled--way too slow for my taste--to the kitchen to get me my half can of Stinky Goodness. About halfway in she stopped and groaned, "Crap, I forgot to buy cat food. You might have to have tuna instead."

Well now.
I got a little excited about that.
TUNA!

But she opened the cupboard, and there under the sink was one lone can of Stinky Goodness. She grabbed it and opened it up, scooping out half to plop onto my plate.

Now why couldn't she have just given me the tuna? Saying that was like a promise. It's like a contractual obligation.

If you mention TUNA to a kitty, you have to give him the TUNA!!!
It's the law!!!

I really don't know how much more of these People I can take.
And give me my freaking tuna already.

Victory was mine this morning.
Ohhh yeah.

I was hungry early and knew I would need to get the Woman up before she wanted to get up, but she keeps that stupid water bottle by the bed, and if I annoy her too much, she actually squirts me with it!

Well...I am a master of the pre-emptive strike. Before I commenced with the Getting The Woman Up And Moving, I knocked that water bottle off the nightstand and pushed it into the bathroom. I figured it she wanted to use it, she'd have to get out of bed to get it, and if she's up, she might as well feed me!

Oh, man, am I good, or what?

Once the water bottle was safely out of the way I started crawling all over her and meowing and then escalated the effort into jumping on her and head butting. And it worked! One time she reached for the bottle but it wasn't there, abd dang was she surprised!

I think she called me a bad name or two under her breath, but up she got and fed I was!

She really should appreciate my efforts, because if she gets up early, that just means she has more time to get stuff done during the day.

Quite considerate of me, I think.

If you don't want me to knock your crap over, then don't put your crap in the places I am most likely to be.

It really is that simple.

The Younger Human and his Much Better Smelling Friend were here tonight...but I don't know how long they were here, because no one bothered to come to the back of the house and tell me when they got here!

My People are just jealous, jealous things. They know the Younger Human and his Much Better Smelling Friend are my Favorite People, and they can't cope with it. The only reason I know they were here is because I needed to go out into the living room to make sure no one had absconded with my toys and dry food during my afternoon nap, and there they were! Right there in my living room!

But did I get to see them very long?
Phffft.
They left not too long after I found them there.

You'd think the People would be mature about this and just come tell me when my favorite People are here. They get to admire and adore me the rest of the time, and it's only fair that the Younger Human gets to see me and play with me, too. After all, he's the one who brought me home, not them.

It's not fair. I should be allowed to see the Good People more.

You know, I always kind of figured I was like a feline god or something. And now I know the Woman thinks so, too. She as much as admitted it this morning.

I decided I would wait up on top of the bookcases for her to wake up this morning. I was very good; I did not make a sound. I only sat there and watched as she slept, demonstrating my finest sense of Patience With People (not always an easy thing, you know.)

When she opened her eyes she looked right up at me and muttered, "Oh, Jesus."

So there you have it. Even she thinks I'm that special.

It's about freaking time.

Look, no matter what the Woman thinks, I was not petting her this morning. I was poking her. There's a difference, and she doesn't have a clue.

Sheesh, you curl up on top of a Person while they're asleep and touch them, they just assume all kinds of cuteness when they wake up. I just wanted her to get up and feed me. I was not being affectionate.

Nope. No way.

The People had tacos for dinner tonight, and let me tell you, those things didn't smell especially wonderful. I sat at my regualr spot, on the tall counter that overlooks the kitchen and dining room and watched, but I sure didn't want any of that. And I wondered how they could eat it.

Surely, this must be one of those things they tell me not to eat because flames will come shooting out my ass. Which also tells me I don't want to sleep with either one of them tonight.

They were late with mydinner tonight. But when they want to eat, you can be sure they eat when they want. And what they want, which apparently isn't always the smart thing to eat. Those tacos are proof of that.

I am so not sharing the $10.50 in accured royalties with them. I'm going to buy me some shrimp.

If I can get a ride to the store, that is.

Maybe I'll share it to the tune of a chocolate bar for the Woman, but that's it.

I am more than just a little bit upset tonight.

The People were out a good part of the day--that doesn't matter so much, since it was during my primary napping time--but while they were out they had things to eat. I know this because I could smell it on them.

Now, the Woman upsets me a little because it smells like she had something meaty. But she gave me a bite of steak last night and I don't think the meat she had was steak, so that's okay. She demonstrated a willingness to share, which I suppose is important, even though I would have liked another bite tonight.

But the Man. I'm not sure I can forgive him. He had shrimp. It's on his hands and on his breath, and he didn't bring me any!

Look, people, it doesn't matter if you eat at home or eat somewhere else, if you have shrimp you're required by Feline Law to bring some home to the kitty!Just bringing home the smell is mean. It's cruel. And it's perhaps not excusable.

I am going to spend the rest of the evening curled up in a dejected ball on the big bed, hogging the fuzzy blanket, so that I can be well rested for the 3 a.m. concert I am going to give. And I'm going to give it with gusto.

That'll teach him.