Ok. I'm not getting soft or anything, but there are things much bigger than any of us kitties are small (to paraphrase a really dorky poem the Woman once wrote...) So, instead of buying kitty crack, for the next month, I will donate profits from my Large Print, edited for language edition literary masterpiece to the Red Cross to help the People and pets displaced and left in need by that Katrina thingy.

The Woman is also selling some stuff and all that money will go to the Red Cross, too.

Budah would do something, too, but he's too busy trying to catch his own tail to figure out what.

I'm not sure when the zombies were here, but evidently they were, and one of 'em sucked the Woman's brains right out of her head. It's kind of sad, really, watching her become this saccharine former shell of herself; it's kind of gross, too, having to listen to it.

She's using baby talk with Buddah.

Not the ga-ga goo-goo kind of thing, but it's just as bad. She scoops him up and calls him "baby" or "cutie-pie," or the real gag-me, "sweetykins." What the heck is a sweetykins? And she plants these kisses on his head--and he likes it! Worse, she'll be sitting there in the living room and he'll jump up on her and stick his head near her lips for this rapid fire kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss thing.

Oh, she's tried that with me, but I'm not having it. For all I know, she's doing it because she's becoming zombified, and if I let her start that kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss thing with me, she'll suck my brains out, too.

Sweetykins???

I'm not sure how it happened, perhaps because the Woman stayed awake so late into the night that it threw our timing off, but we never sang for her, Buddah never sat on her, and I did not head butt her nose. When I woke up this morning I had this horrible sick feeling (not that it kept me from eating my wonderful Stinky Goodness breakfast) because that's like forgetting and I'm too smart to forget. I just got sleepy.

But surprise, surprise, the Woman was HAPPY. She's been telling anyone who would listen today about how good we were for her last night. How she had a quiet night and how nice that was. And I bet she thinks we planned it!

Ha! Little does she know...

She was happy with the gift that we didn't intend to give, but what the heck...if it's what she really wanted, I suppose we did good.

Evidently, today was the Woman's birthday but Buddah and I were not informed of this until late in the evening, when it was too late to figure out a way to get her something. I mean, if we had known, we could have talked the Man into going out and spending some of my book money on a piece of shrimp for her, or even some of those Kitty Treats that she eats and won't share. But no one told us, so she opened presents from the Younger Human and the Man, and there Buddah and I were, with nothing to give her.

So.

We have it all planned out. When she goes to bed tonight, we're going to sit by the side of the bed and sing as loudly as we can for her. She loves our singing at 3 a.m. so much that she gets out of bed for it, so we figured she would really love to be serenaded where she wouldn't have to get up to enjoy it.

And then, Buddah is going to jump on the bed and rub his nose across her cheek, and then he's going to sit on her face. When he's done, I'm going to jump on the bed and headbutt her nose. I know she misses me doing that, because she mentioned the other day that it had been so long since I did it that her nose finally healed from her surgery 3 years ago. So she must want me to do it again.

After that, we'll amuse ourselves so she can go to sleep. And that will be our birthday present to her. She's going to be so happy.

Yep, last night we got steak. And a fair amount, not some microscopic teaser. The Woman cut up enough for both of us that it was like getting a big snack.

There's this rule here: if the kitty is a good kitty and doesn't beg or doesn't jump on the table when the People are eating something especially tasty, like steak, then the kitty gets a bite. I've been worried that Buddah would do something stupid and ruin it, but he's never begged. He just stands on the counter and stares at the food on the table like he's starving to death. I haven't told him it's okay to meow once in a while to remind the People that we're there; he's doing good just sitting there. And the People think it's cute, and cute works when there's food involved.

The other rule is if the kitty can do something cute that's almost like begging but really isn't, he still gets a bite. I'm a tall kitty, so I can stand on my back legs, put my paws on the table and look to see what's there. If I do that, it gets cute points. Also, if I stand on my back legs and tap one of the People on their leg or elbow, and then sit right down, that gets cute points. But it can't be more than that or it stops being cute, and then there's no tasting the Good Food.

And in other news, the People have decided I do not need an ultrasound. The lady at the stabby place said one option was to do nothing and wait and see how I was...well, the Woman announced that I am back to my very annoying self, waking her up by singing at night and announcing when breakfast is over, and since I'm teaching Buddah to do those things, too, plus running around the house like my butt is on fire (usually 'cause I'm chasing Buddah) she thinks I'm just fine.

I tried to tell her that, but noooooo, let's not listen to the kitty involved!

STEAK!!!!!

Complain and/or be cute, and ye shall receive.

The Woman went slutting around running errands this afternoon, and when she came back she had fresh kitty crack and some spiffy kitty crack pouches for both of us. These things are pretty cool; they feel like sheepy fur on one side, and the crack goes in the middle...Buddah likes to carry his around in his mouth, and I just like to lay down and rub my face on it until I'm pretty high.

I've had one for a year or two, but when Buddah got here he found it and slobbered on it so much it's pretty gross.

I figure she either got tired of me complaining about not having some fresh kitty crack, or I was so cute last night (she was really sad, I was forced to be cute for her) that she decided to reward me. Buddah just gets things by default...

He needs to learn what doing the cute thing means. It does not mean plopping your butt down on top of the Woman's face while she's in bed. Though that was pretty funny...

Things That Are Annoying Me Today

• Buddah.
  
• The Woman did not pay enough attention to me when I woke her up at 4 a.m.
  
• My morning nap was interrupted.
  
• Buddah.
  
• A noticeable lack of crunchy treats.
  
• After 2 months of freedom, they put my collar back on because my fur has grown out enough.
  
• Buddah.
  
• The Woman has a HUGE bag of crunchy treats and she won't share. She says they're M&Ms and not kitty treats, but I saw the bag and I don't believe her.
  
• No one will put the TV on Animal Planet for me. I want to make fun of stupid doggies.
  
• Buddah.
  
• There are no Sticky Little Creatures to watch outside my windows.
  
• There's nothing to watch otuside my windows because of the stupid bushes.
  
• Buddah.
  
• No one has given me kitty crack in quite a while, and I deserve some.
  
• The phone thingy rang when I was laying on it. And then they hung up when the Woman said "hello?" into it! If you're going to ring my butt, you should say something!
  
• Buddah.
  

People...why can't you make up your freaking minds? You get another cat and want me to like it. You want me to play with it. You want some interaction that doesn't involve blood and/or me growling at the little monster.

So we give you what you want. We play. We run up and down the hall, through the kitchen, smash into a few walls and doors, up over the table or the Woman's comfy chair, as fast as we can, and what do you do?

You get all "oh you're going to get hurt" and tell us to calm down!!! You might even squirt us!

Make up your mind! Either I play with him or I kill him.

Your choice.

Look.
It's my laundry basket.
It's in my tub.

I don't know what he thought he was doing, trying to get in there with me and be all snuggly and chit, but I wasn't having any of it. That was my private napping place! He invaded it!

It will never be the same.

Right now the People are still just "thinking" about having an ultrsound done on me. It was one of the options the lady at the stabby place gave them. One of the other suggestions was to change my Stinky Goodness, and I was having none of that. There might not be anything wrong with my pancrease (is there an e on the end of that freaking word? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to look it up) but those amylase levels were still up the last time they stole some of my blood. I might have been born this way, but because they think I'm moving a little slow sometimes, the People are pondering wasting good money on it.

Hey! People! Guess what! You're comparing me to a 4 month old perpetually whacked out on kitty crack! Of course I look slower! When I was laying around all day soaking up sun spots before you never thought a thing about it, but here comes that little crack head and Oooooooh Max must still be sick!

Do you not see when I chase him up and down the hall and around the living room at 500 miles an hour? That's me chasing HIM. I can move when I want to, but why should want to?

Sheesh.

I'm really feeling fine. But the People, their little heads always go to the worst possibility... but the Cat Who Came Before Me got really sick, and if they hadn't gotten her an ultrasound she would have died a lot earlier than she did, so now they have that What If thing hanging over them.

The lady at the stabby place also said they could do nothing and see how I feel in a few weeks. I eat, I beat the chit out of Buddah at least twice a day, and I poop vast quantites. I'm fine!!!!

Because I've been "slow" lately, the People are talking about getting an ultrasound done on me. So I looked it up, and saw that's something human females get when they're about to spawn forth their sticky little offspring.

How bad is it that my People don't realize not only am I the wrong gender to incubate an infant, but they have the tendency to have the things necessary to manage that surgically removed??? And certainly, said offspring would NOT be in my pancrease, which is what they want to look at.

So lady...I'm only slow because that little black monster won't leave me alone. I'm tired! save your money for something good. Like Stinky Goodness.

Ohhhh...spend the money getting someone to invent Stinky Goodness ice cream!

Oh man, Buddah is gonna get himself killed.
He ate the Woman's "special" (read: stupid) hat.

I've been warning her for years that something she owned was going to meet a toothy death, but did she listen?

Hell no.

And all this time she assumed it would be me providing the gruesome act for the amusement of the rest of the world.

That'll teach her.

Buddah does bathe...he just doesn't seem to do a very good job, as evidenced by how much he stinks most of the time. Now really, by forcing-licking him I'm doing him a favor, because my spit obviously smells better than his spit.

Now, the Woman surely appreciates this, she just doesn't appreciate him crying like a sissy when I give him a bath at night. So really, if she would see to his hygeine, we would not be waking her to the sounds of his infantile blubbering.

Singing...that's different. That's art! If we wake her up for the sake of art, that's to her benefit. And it's not my fault if she doesn't simply roll over and go to sleep. She falls asleep to the sound of music all the time! Our serenades should actually have a soothe and calming effect.

She should be thanking us.
Really.

Buddah has wisely not repeated the hugging incident of Sunday. He also has not bathed of his own accord, so late last night I had to hold him down and do it for him. He howled like I'd set his whiskers on fire. Normally that would tick me off, but it was 2 a.m. and it woke the Woman up, so it was pretty funny. She stomped out of bed and told us to be quiet, like that ever works.

You know, if the Woman could just get him to pay attention to basic hygiene, we could let her sleep through the night...

Holy cripes. Look at this.

I was sleeping on top of the tower, minding my own business, and the little monster gets up there and just plops down on top of me. You can see how thrilled I looked.


It's just one mass of black and white kitty...he was purring his freaky little head off, as if this were a good thing. It most certainly was not! I got there first, it was my turn to have the top!

Lucky for him he's so little, or I might have just stood up and let him fall.

We found the perfect way to tick the Woman off. And it's so simple! All Buddah and I have to do is wait until she's asleep, and start playing. Of course, our play involves me holding Buddah down and making him cry, but he doesn't seem to mind. I lick him until he's wet, he calls out for help because he hates baths, and she wakes up. Then she comes out of the bedroom, threatens to lock us both in the dryer, and goes back to bed.

We wait until she's been asleep for 10 minutes, and we do it again! So every 20 minutes or so she's getting out of bed to make sure I'm not killing him, she says she's gonna do all kinds of mean things to us that we know she won't, and she goes back to bed. And it irritates the bejeezuz out of her!

We did that for about 3 or 4 hours last night, then took naps for an hour, and then I sat on Buddah til he hollered loud enough to wake her up. After that all we did was talk and THAT irritated her.

I know she's not going to do anything to us. It just ticks her off, and that amuses me.

In a fit of insanity, the Woman put all our food and water in the big bathroom last night, and then locked me in her bedroom. I was stuck in there with her all night long. My only consolation was that Buddah was stuck outside the room, and I had everything there was to eat right there with me.

The Woman took him to the stabby place before she let me out, and because he's nuts he got to come home a little early. Ok, this is how insane Buddah is. He's not upset. It's like "Oh, well, I hurt a little bit, but I got to go for a ride and people played with me!" His only complaint seemed to be hunger.

Well no chit, I had all the food last night.

The Woman fed us a little early tonight and he wolfed his down so hard and so fast I'm surprised he didn't inhale half the kitchen. He was still looking for more so I did the Oh I'm Already Full thing and walked away from my dish so he could have what was left. I'm not that nice; I'd already eaten quite a bit of dry food, and I know the Woman--we'll get another can later just so he can feel full again.

But sheesh...he takes all the fun out of me getting to stay home while he goes off and gets snipped. Kind of makes me want to jump up on top of the climbing thing and shove him off it...

Buddah's getting neutered day after tomorrow, and I'm kind of hoping they pull his freaking teeth while they're at it. That little monster does NOT take a hint, and he's starting to bite way too hard.

Yeah. He's not getting on top of the climbing thingy tonight. I'm going to guard it, and hog it for myself.

Two things...

My bloodwork came back and my amylase levels are still high. So the lady at the stabby place was all "Oh, let's change his food and put him on canned food that doesn't stink as nice as Stinky Goodness and see if that helps."

I was having none of that. The People plopped that stuff on my plate, and I refused to eat it. I heard the Man on the phone with the lady, and he warned her I might not even try it. So I didn't. And I got my regular Stinky Goodness afterwards.

I'm not sure what they want to do to me next. Maybe something called an ultrasound to look at my pancrease and see if it really is inflamed. I may just be blessed with extra amylase.

And...

Wow.
That was fast.
The Woman already got a copy of the edited edition of my book. and it looks pretty spiffy.

It's a bigger book overall--we didn't add anything to it, but by going with a larger type size it added pages--and we think we got all the potentially objectionable language.

Now, because this is a special edition the Woman went with a POD press, and people can order directly from them. Unfortunately, it won't be available on Amazon or B&N Online, because the Woman is CHEAP and didn't want to pay for the orinting that would get distribution through those channels.

And the cover makes me look fat.
Seriously.
She just stretched the picture out, so I look fat.

The Man took me to the stabby place this morning. No warning, he just scooped me up and took me over there, where someone who was not the bald guy shaved my neck and stabbed me again. This time they didn't even get me drunk; they just let me howl so loud I think I scared the feathers off the bird they have in the waiting room. For some reason they wanted more of my blood. I swear, if they keep it up, I'm not going to have any left.

Revenge was mine, however. While the vet and her helper had me down, I let loose with a mighty poop. Yep, all over the table, and with any luck, I got them, too. They tried to clean me up, but I was not in a cooperating mood by then, so they put me back into the plastic tomb and took me back out to the Man.

Well. Since he's the one who took me there, I figure he deserved a little revenge, too. So I squeezed out a nice 5 pound poop, and for good measure, I sat in it.

The best part? He had to drive home with me spelling like kitty poop. Sure, the Woman held me down while he washed me off, but it was a nice warm wash cloth and it was so totally worth it.

The lady at the stabby place told the Man that the next time he has to take me there he needs to come over the day before and get some kitty valium so that I can truly enjoy the experience.

Well now. I did not like being stabbed, but I thoroughly enjoyed pooping all over the place.