The PsychoKitty Speaks Out

The Woman has not been sleeping well, and apparently this is supposed to be sufficient reason for my needs not being met in the manner to which I have become demanding accustomed. Yesterday morning, breakfast was almost *2* hours late because she was awake until 5 or 6 in the morning, like it was my fault. I did my job, I woke her up at the usual time, upholding my end of the deal. But did she get out of bed then? No....

I was worried it was going to be the same deal this morning; last night she went to bed like usual but got up later and sat here like an Internet-crack-junkie, staring at the monitor with glassy, dark rimmed eyes. I knew that meant getting her up was going to be a bear, so I sat here and said over and over "go back to bed, go back to bed, go back to bed," but she told me to be quiet and then didn't go back to bed until almost 4.

But...but...she left a note for the Man: please feed the glorious kitties because they are wonderful and deserve an early repast. Or maybe it said something like feed the freaking furballs so I can sleep a little.

Whatever. He came home from passing gas, saw the note while he was having his breakfast, and he opened a can of Stinky Goodness for us.

This left me a little confused, though. One of my jobs is to be the alarm clock. I always wake her up at 9:30 if she's not already up. But since Buddah and I had already eaten, which is why I'm supposed to get her up, what was I supposed to do? If I didn't wake her up, she might miss something important, like a vitch-slap fest on The View. If I woke her up and she didn't want me to, she might launch me across the room like an unexpected booger.

In the end, I figured I better do my job. So I jumped on the bed at 9:30 and said very quietly meow? When I meow really tiny like that, she says it's cute because it's like I'm trying to whisper, and it's freaky in a quiet serial-killer kind of way.

She sucked in a deep breath and said, "Go away." Then she rolled over so I climbed over her and told her okay, she could go back to sleep because Buddah and I already ate and we didn't need for her to open anything, but when she got up she could open a can if she was feeling generous. But did she appreciate that?

Pffft. She mumbled something about tying my tongue in a knot, so I left her alone. If she missed Whoppi Goldberg saying something really funny, it's not my fault.

Tomorrow, I'm not gonna be so nice. I have a job, and dammit, I'm gonna do it, because I'm responsible.