Apparently, we're supposed to have some revolutions for the New Year. I think Buddah is going to start in the kitchen, run down the hall like his butt is on fire, jump over the steps at the stair entry, through the living room into the family room, and back into the kitchen. If he does it 20-30 times, I think that's enough revolutions around the house, and it should count.

Me, I'm just going to stomp in circles on my bed until I'm ready to sleep. That should only take a minute or so. Pretty much how I start every year...

All right...Christmas is over, Santa came, and I got stuff. I was good for when I needed to be good, right? So why is the Woman surprised that I've been waking her up this week by punching her in the eye? Isn't that what I do? Does she not remember this? Why is she not happy that I'm not punching her at 4 a.m.? I'm being nice, I'm waiting until just a few minutes before she would normally get up anyway.

Appreciate me, dammit.

Merry Christmas!

This is what you get when you try to thank a people for a Merry Chrstmas. They grab you and get all huggy and chit.

Santa was really nice to us; he got Buddah another one of those sproingy toys (so now *I* don't have to buy it for him!) and this really odd box with a bunch of holes. There are balls on the inside and the idea is to try to get the balls out, but they roll away pretty easy so it takes a lot of work. Buddah thinks it's perfect and he can't wait to drop his toy mousies in it.

And oh man, we got some toy mousies that look real. Real enough that someday the Woman is going to forget about them and we'll drop one in her lap and freak her out. I can't wait for that...even if it's a month from now, it'll totally make my Christmas.

The Woman didn't cook again ths year; they went out again but this time she didn't bring us back anything. I would go poop on her pillow for that, but she did open a can for us as soon as they got home, and she promised a crunchy treat for later.

There are pictures of our Christmas on our Flickr thingy, if you want to see them. There's one picture there of Buddah playing with this new feather toy...man, he got some serious air there! And there aren't too many of me, but I was trying to let him play because he was so excited he would have peed all over the place if he had to wait his turn. I figure that will score me some crunchy treat points. I'm no fool.

I hope everyone else had a fun day, too!

No matter what the Woman says, I was not petting her this morning!!! Absolutely not! I was just reminding her, in a nice way, that if I want, I can eat her face off while she sleeps.

Secret Paws!!!

The Woman went to the post office today, and she came back with a box for us! It's our Secret paw present, and our Secret Paws are Kimo & Sabi! They gave us our favorite things, like crunchy treats and kitty crack and Stinky Goodness. And they even remembered the People, with a kitty calendar!

The Woman put pictures of us opening our box and playing on our Flickr thingy. Go see!

Thank you Kimo & Sabi!!!!

I think she's serious. There was no Stinky Goodness this morning, either. I was nice to her, too, I sat on the bed very quietly while I waited for her to wake up, and when she did I was really hoping she would go downstairs and open a can, but all she did was yawn, rub my head, and then went into the office to put crunchy food into our bowls.

I'm trying to be very good and not raise too much of a fuss. Maybe if I'm nice she'll decide I'm too sweet to torture, and she'll give in. And maybe elves will fly out of Santa's butt when he comes to bring toys.

SHE SAID I'M FAT!!!!

She gave us a can of Stinky Goodness to split for dinner and said she was sorry about this morning, but there will be no more Stinky Goodness for breakfast because she thinks I'm fat! Evidently watching me run down the stairs is unattractive and amusing for the girth that flaps back and forth.

Well....YEAH YOU'RE FAT TOO, LADY!!! At least my thighs don't spark when I run.

Maybe Santa will lay the snackdown on her and make her give me back my Stinky Goodness. He can do that, right???

There has been no Stinky Goodness today.

We always get it first thing in the morning, either when the Man comes home from passing gas, or someone gets out of bed.

But today...nothing. The Woman got up and put out crunchy food, but she wouldn't go downstairs and open a can for us.

I keep waiting, but it's almost 12:30 in the afternoon, and I don't think anyone is going to get it for us.

I am so sad.

Today the Man's Mom came to visit. She's nice, so I let her give me head skritches. Buddah was his typical crackhead self and kept sneaking around to peek, but he didn't get close enough to get head skritches. He wasted all that energy running around, and he could have done like I did: lounge on top of the climbing tower, and let her come to me, to bask in the Wonder that is Max.

And the Woman caught him chewing on the Christmas tree. She didn't get mad becuase he was all excited, but still. Little Mr. Perfect got caught!

You may have noticed (or maybe you haven't, because you just don't give a flying fig) that the World's Greatest Book Ever is still not for sale. The intention was to have it ready to order in time for the holidays, but when the deadline was extended (which was a very good thing because stuff that was submitted after Oct 15th is priceless) it was a bit much to expect everyone to be able to get their publishing agreements signed and back to the Woman in time to pull it off.

Since some of those agreements are coming from halfway around the world, it's taking some time. And the Woman, being the sucker that she is, wants to wait so she doesn't have to cut anyone from the book.

So...as it stands now, she's waiting until January 1st. Hopefully all PAs will be here by then.

For those who have been waiting to buy the book, and those who busted their butts to get the agreements signed and in the mail, we offer our sincere apologies. It looks like everyone involved has mailed an agreement, but overseas mail seems to take more time than expected.

On the plus side, it's totally worth waiting for!

She puts a basket of freshly laundered clothes, right out of the dryer, on the floor. Does she really think I'm NOT going to curl up in them? I totally don't get people sometimes. It would do them some good to plop down onto some sleepy-warm stuff out of the dryer, and take a good long nap.

The Woman spent the afternoon cleaning the kitchen, especially the counters. She scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed, until the whole house smelled like bleach and everyone's eyes were watering, and when she was done she was quite proud of how clean the counters were.

So I jumped up to inspect.

And then she says, "I just cleaned those! Why are you up there?"

Um, because you just cleaned them. Clean counters feel good on a kitty's tushy. In fact, while everyone is asleep tonight, I think I'll get up there and enjoy every single clean counter top under my nice furry butt.

Think about that when you've got your breakfast sitting on one of them tomorrow morning.

Look, I know Santa is coming. That's not the reason I let the Woman sleep an hour past breakfast time today. I did that because I'm nice, dangit! If Santa noticed, well, that's incidental.

He did notice, right?

This is what I think of tonight's picture-taking...



The Woman took a bunch of pictures tonight...
Some of them she uploaded to Flickr if ya wanna see.

If Santa wasn't looking, I'd break that camera.

Heh.

I just Googled myself.

Now I feel dirty.

Heh.

Heh.

Heh heh.

The Woman lets Buddah play with the giant packs of toilet paper; he likes to jump on them and poke a hole in the plastic on top and stick his paws in, and sometimes he drops a mousie in the hole so he can play at getting it out. But I don't think she counted on him playing so hard that he pushed the whole pack out of the giant litterbox room and into the hallway. And she certainly didn't notice it before she went in there and shut the door a little while ago.

I'm thinking that after hearing her saying really bad words through the door, that she realized it after the door was closed and there was no People there to get it for her.

Just Buddah and me, and we weren't helping.

I don't think Santa will count that against us. If he saw, he was laughing his a$$ off...

Let's Play A Game!

Ever found something on another kitty's blog that just made you laugh and nearly shoot Stinky Goodness out your nose? Let's play This Kitty Blog Made Me Chuckle!

In the comments, tell us who makes you laugh, why, and where their blog is. I'll start:

Skeezix
Every time he calls his Man "Mr. Tasty Face" I want to laugh and pee myself.
http://www.skeezixthecat.com/scratchingpost/

Your turn!

You can play as many times as you want!

The little black monster is coming along quite nicely.

He and the Woman were looking out the window today, and Buddah stood on the small climbing tower and started to rub his head against hers, like he was all cuddly and chit, and when she bent a little lower to make it easier for him, he bit her on the head.

I kid you not! Buddah stretched up a little bit and chomped right down on her head!

She was so surprised she didn't even do anything, just told him "We don't bite," but after that, I'm pretty sure we do...

I've been looking over the Woman's shoulder while she works this morning (she needs my help, obviously) and the World's Best Book Ever (aka We Are The Kitties) is just about ready to go to the printer. Some of you will get email today asking if you've mailed in a publishing agreement...if you didn't get the agreement in email a couple weeks ago to begin with (because email is not infallible and just because she sent it that doesn't mean you got it. Sometimes I have to explain these things to her) you can print off a copy from HERE.

In other news, Buddah and I found a kind of Stinky Goodness we just don't like and refused to eat. It was even one of the new Extra Special Fancy Feast Stinky Goodnesses. The People have given it to us before and we've nibbled at it, but we were in agreement this morning: the one with egg souffle just isn't edible. So we did the oh we're so hungry and this is awful dance and stare thing, and the Woman caved and gave us something else. That might have ticked the Younger Human off since he's the one who fed us first--and we appreciate that, we really do--but sometimes a kitty has to do what a kitty has to do.

He got in the Kitty lounge again, but I made him get out.



He'll learn. It might take some time, but he'll learn.

THIS IS MINE!

I repeat

THIS IS MINE!

Buddah has no business getting in here, especially when I'm trying to nap.

He should at least ask before getting into the Kitty Lounge. If I'm not using it, I might allow him a nap or two there.

But if Max is lounging, STAY OUT!

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!



Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.

If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

The Man got up at Really Really Early this morning to go pass gas, which is unusual since he normally goes out to pass gas at night. I think he thought he was being nice to the Woman, because he closed the bedroom door so she could have some peace and quiet.

That doesn't work too well when, while closing the door, you lock a kitty in the room. Because you know as soon as the kitty realizes the door is closed, he is going to want to get out of that room. So it's not my fault I threw my entire body weight against the door so that she would wake up and let me out. It's his fault.

You should also know that if you close the door after letting the kitty out, that not only that kitty but the other kitty, too, will want back in. They might be really patient and not bang on the door, but waiting right outside the door. So don't be surprised when you finally open the door if there is a mass of kitty right there for you to trip over.

Here's the thing. Remember a long time ago when the People decided to try giving Buddah and me Stinky Goodness only? It worked, sort of. I was happy, Buddah was happy, and the People were happy when I lost a little weight. We were all one big happy, furry, stinky bunch.

But then Buddah started hacking up hairballs.

And then I started hacking up hairballs.

We started hacking up hairballs on a regular basis. The Woman tried this goopy hairball stuff, but every time she pulled the tube out of the drawer I ran like hell (come on, it looked like the brown goop they force fed me when I was sick. I wasn't going through that again.) She even tried smearing it on my paw, but I just waited and got Buddah to lick it off for me.

So they decided for the health of our tummies, we needed something. They embarked on a find a dry food they can both tolerate quest. After a few false starts, they tried Iams Multiple Cat Formula, which has taken care of the hairball problem, and we both like it.

However.

=sigh=

I have gained 2 pounds. I don't like being 2 pounds heavier. It slows me down and makes it easier for Buddah to catch me. And I'm not a totally lazy cat; I run around a lot, too. Just ask the Woman. Buddah and I ran laps at 5:30 this morning.

But she's really, really, really worried about my girth. And since daily throwing up is not an option, she's trying to decide what to do. I have a bad feeling it might mean massively shrinking portions of Stinky Goodness. Heck, the stabby guy told her last year to take me off of it altogether, but she was concerned about my happiness (read: she doesn't want me badgering the bejeezuz out of her) so she didn't.

So here we are. I've gained a bit of weight; I don't like it, the People don't like it, but no one wants us to have to give up Stinky Goodness. And I don't like any other than Fancy Feast...believe me, she thought about a diet Stinky Goodness, but that's really just Stinky Badness.

The debate is now this: is it better for Max to be a little fat and happy, or for him to be pissed off and unhappy, but leaner?

I don't think I really wanna know...

Randomness...

• The Woman isn't letting me read the stuff for the book yet, but I was in here when she was working on it today and one time she snorted a laugh so hard soda came out of her nose.
  
• I'm pretty sure it had been a couple hours since she had a drink, so it musta been a really funny thing.
  
• Buddah didn't like breakfast today; he looked at the Man with his big Please Daddy Give Me Something Else eyes and the Man was so tired that not only did he open another can, he gave ME extra food, too.
  
• Buddah gets two points for that.
  
• Tonight I was coming out of the little box room and I wanted to go in the living room to sit on the Woman, but Buddah was at the end of the hall in stalking position, his butt wiggling. I never made it to the livin room.
  
• Buddah loses three points for that.
  
• The Man weighed me yesterday. He told the Woman what the scale said and the she said "Oh, Max, no..."
  
• And that's all we'll say about that.
  

Heh.

Heh heh.

Today the Woman sat at the table to have her lunch, so of course I sat in the chair across from her so I could peek and see what it was. It smelled good, thusly did it require my personal inspection. I had to stretch up a little bit, but I saw it, and there was a small piece just sitting there on the edge of her plate.

It was ham.

I had to do it.

Lest she suspect anything, I jumped down from the chair and crept around to the counter behind her, jumped up there, and made the calculations necessary for success. It had to be quick, but it also had to be clean, so that she didn't have chance to stop me.

So I jumped. I sailed over her shoulder, landed on the table, snagged that wayward piece of ham, and ran like my butt really was on fire.

She was so stunned she didn't have a chance to chase after me. She couldn't even yell because the Man was sleeping. I got to the living room and scarfed it down.

It was so good.

I can't wait to see what's on the menu for dinner.

Man, I had the house all to myself for a while this afternoon and I was so busy napping that I didn't even know it. Not that I would have done anything different, but I would have enjoyed it more, you know? Buddah gets hauled off to the stabby place, and I slept through it.

I am quite proud of myself, though; when he came back he said that the people at the front desk both said "Thank God, it's not Max!" again, and one of them told the people how I managed to get poop all over one of their walls once. Heh. That takes talent, folks.

And man, I got a sneak peek at the book cover...it's going to totally ROCK.

When the Woman opened the window in her office for me, I thought it was a very good idea. It's kind of nice out today, not too cold and not too warm, and the fresh air felt pretty decent on my fur. I lounged on top of the climbing tree and enjoyed it, even after she and the Man left to go do whatever it is people do when they can't be bothered to stay home.

But then a breeze zipped through the screen, and it blew the door shut.

Now, this wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I was in the room where both climbing towers are, the special kitty lounge, the food, and the water. And Buddah wasn't in there, so he couldn't get to any of it. So I laid back and enjoyed the solitude and fresh air...

...until I realized that the litterbox was not in there with me. I had everything I needed, except a place to pee. And you know what happens when you suddenly realize there's no place to pee?

Well, then you start feeling like you have to pee.

And then it seems like the People have been gone for a very long time.

So I started to meow, hoping someone would hear me and come in and open the door for me. About a bajrillion hours later the people came home and heard me, and the Man let me out. I was going to give them a piece of my mind, but the Woman kept saying she was sorry, and to make it up to me she got out the crunchy treats.

So I suppose it's ok.

But I need a litter box in that room, just in case...

OK, it's time. You've been racking your brains to come up with a Very Good Title for the World's Best Book Ever. Now, please share before the Woman's brains melt and dribble out her nose. We Are The Kitties is still an option; if you like that just say so, but surely there's something funnier out there...

If you sent something in to be in the World's Best Book Ever, you should have gotten a publishing agreement in your email. If you didn't get it, download it from here. And remember, there's still 5 days to the deadline, so don't worry if you haven't sent your submission in yet.

---

The Woman took a long nap today with the door closed, and I couldn't get in the room to take a nap in my own bed. So I chased Buddah instead, which got the Man's shorts in a wad, and he sprinkled water on me to make me stop! I only bit Buddah once, and I only made him cry once, and I get water! Why is it no one ever sees when he's sitting on ME and when he's biting ME? Could it be because *I* don't cry like a little girl???

On nice days, the People should not go out and do things, they should stay home and keep the windows open for the kitties, so we can enjoy the nice breeze, too. Really. It's not fair to be out riding around on that oversized bike that makes so much noise when there are kitties at home waiting for fresh air.

Grant Us Peace



The Woman is all proud of herself for going to vote today, but I read her sample ballot an there wasn't a single initiative for Stinky Goodness on demand. What good is voting if you don't ge to vote on Stinky Goodness?

She would have just voted against it, anyway.

Apparently, jumping on Buddah and sitting on him until he cries like a little girl is unacceptable behavior.

Apparently, the Woman thinks I really care that this is unacceptable behvior.

Apparently, she thinks that if she points her mighty finger at me and says things like "That is NOT nice!" that I'm actually paying attention.

Apparently, she doesn't know me very well, even after all these years.

Bookstuff:

We Are The Kitties is just a working title for the book, so in the next few days the Woman is going to hijack my blog and ask for title suggestions. So start thinking!

She is also going to want suggestions for where we want any profits to go. Like the SPCA or something.

Supposedly she is going email the Publishing Agreement to those who have already submitted stuff in the next day or so. Supposedly.

Book Stuff

• Don't forget, the deadline for submitting to the Best Book Ever Written is November 15.
  
• So far it's looking to be a fairly short book, so if you have anything, even filler material, poetry, haiku, it would be most welcome.
  
• We can use pictures, too (they'll be converted to grayscale) so if you have a good kitty picture, send it in a HUGE format (like, the biggest your camera will take) and send it to the Woman at kathompson@inkblotbooks.com. The pictures have to be rendered to 300dpi, so if they're not already 300 dpi and they're not big, they'll wind up realllly small.
  
• She hasn't forgotten about the Publishing Agreement, she's just slow.
  
• I wrote 2 things and Buddah wrote 2 things so far. I want to write one more but my brain hurts.
  

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!

Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.

If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

It doesn't matter what it looks like or what she says was going on.

I was not snuggling with the Woman.

She just happened to be in the chair I wanted to be in, and she said she was cold so I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone: I'd sit on her and be in my chair, plus she'd be a little warmer.

And I would have plastered myself clear across her lap to make my point (being that it's my chair and I'm only letting her sit in it and I'm only being nice in keeping her warm), but she had that book, and dang that is one BIG book. My only choice was to sit like a person.

And I was sitting like a person, but somewhere along the way I got a little sleepy and shifted a bit. And then slid a little bit. I had my hear on her arm and was =this= close to dreaming about an endless supply of kitty crack and Stinky Goodness, when I realized the Man was up there just past the high wall with that clicky flashy box.

But I was not snuggling. Nope.

Geez, people, stop messing with the clocks! I don't like it, and it confuses my tummy. Put them back where they were yesterday so the Woman stops whining about dark it is at dinnertime and how she has to be home at the same time as all the 8 year old sticky people, and leave it there. Seriously. we go through this twice a year and it's time you started listening!

This Is A Public Service Announcement!

Sometimes people just get it right. Maybe not my People, but people in general. Like the people who make Stinky Goodness.

Life without Stinky Goodness would just be all hairballs and crunchy food, and I didn't think it could get any better, but...

BEHOLD!




They have a new Stinky Goodness.

It is the most awesome Stinky Goodness.

The Woman says it's freakishly expensive Stinky Goodness but she still bought us several cans of it and will stock up when she finds it on sale. It is SO GOOD that when she gives it to us, we make piggy sounds while we eat. There's lots of snorting and grunting and the sounds of Could life get any better than this???

You have to get your people to get you a can or two of this. If they balk, tell them it's healthy because it's got GREENS in it. Yeah, I don't care about that either but people seem to.

Oh man, I hope we get it for dinner tonight, too.

If you're downstairs doing whatever, and I'm upstairs calling out to you, that does not mean you should sit there and tell me to come to you. If I wanted to come to you, I would. I wanted you to come to me. Sitting there arguing with me won't change my mind about where I want you to be; it only annoys the Younger Human who has to sit there and listen to you argue with the cat...

HAPPY BLOGIVERSARY TO ME!
3 years today.
You're welcome.

=^..^=

Heh.

Someone has to go to the stabby place tomorrow.

AND IT'S NOT ME!

Heh.

Things On My Mind Today...

• It does not matter if it's "not time" to eat. My tummy is growling now, and I would appreciate (see, I'm being nice) it if you would get up and open a can of Stinky Goodness. You only have to go downstairs, ands trust me, you could use the exercise.
  
• I do not care if you're trying to read a book. I want on your lap, and I want to sit in a manner that will, by design, interfere with your ability to easily hold your book. Life bites, and you will get over it.
  
• If you don't pet me, you will have deep regrets when I'm gone. Really you will. I'll be gone and you'll be all "Oh I didn't pay enough attention to Max!" Save yourself the heartache and pay attention to me!
  
• Not being able to sleep must suck, but just because you have a problem with it, that doesn't mean I should stop talking and singing all night long. I have a lot to say and stuff to sing about. Roll over and go back to sleep.
  
• I don't care if you need to "work." I want to sit on you. And I know better anyway; "work" typically means surfing blogs until you get a good thought bouncing around inside your head. You surf a lot of blogs. Just sayin'...
  

Check it out.
The Woman found it on Fark.com.
Click to biggify and see the coolest picture of a cat tongue ever.



And they wonder why we're so scratchy when we lick 'em...

ANGEL N TAZ are back online!!!

Go see!

Why did I kick so much litter out of the box?

So you could feed the new sucking monster.

See how considerate I am?

It's bad enough that the People have one of those horrible sucking monsters that eats everything in its path, but when it got sick and started puking things up instead of eating, did they take that as a sign that we would be better off without it?

No, that would make sense. When the sucking monster started vomiting up bits and pieces of its previous meals, the People went out and bought another sucking monster. One that's more powerful. One that can suck the fur right off a kitty's back!

As soon as I saw the Woman move it onto the carpet, I ran. I'm not stupid. I have glorious, beautiful black and white fur and I intend to keep it. But Buddah...sheesh. He stayed. I heard the Woman say "You might want to go upstairs," but he just sat there.

Until she turned it on that is. Then I heard his feet thundering on the stairs. But did he engage in appropriate kitty behavior and hide under the bed?

No! That little monster just jumped onto the High Place of the wall, and watched the Woman feed the sucking monster! Is he insane? What if he had fallen? Then he'd be all Humpty Dumpty & chit, and the Woman would NOT try to put him back together. She'd just let the sucking monster clean him up.

I keep trying to tell him, but he won't listen. There are some things you just don't do, and staying in the room with a feeding sucking monster is one of them.

On Our Book...

Ok...today was the deadline for submissions for the Incredible Wonderful Book that we're collectively writing.

Was is the operative word here.

There just isn't enough material for a book just yet. We need a whole lot more, otherwise what we'll wind up publishing is more like a chapbook.

So...we're extending the deadline. Let's shoot for November 15, and the Woman will push really hard to have it ready for the holidays.

So if you wanted to write for it, and ran out of time, here's your chance!
(insert a whole lot of begging)
Get to it!

My links list is getting very long.
Verrrrrry long.
I had to do something about it...

Now, no one got cut from the list, nope nope nope. What I did was create a separate page for links (Clicky here to see) and then created a blogroll... Everyone is still in the blogroll, but it will only display a few at a time, and in random order.

So if you don't see your link there, I'm not being a meaniehead and dropping your blog, it's just not in the currently viewable rotation, but IS still at the List O'Links page.

If this doesn't work well, I'll just put the old list back up, and the people who email me whining about how long my list is and how much sopace it takes can then kiss my furry...tail.

But yeah, it is getting a little long and I see their point.

It's right on the top of their little heads...

Look, you put your face near my butt, I'm gonna cut loose with a really good one.

Just sayin', that's all...

All right. Buddah seems to think being up as high as he can get is like Teh BEst THiNg EVAH !!111!! So I figured what the heck, I might as well check it out. It might be a decent view.




Eh.

I'm not terribly impressed. It's too much work to get up here, and it's not terribly gentle on the tootsies when you jump down.

However, Buddah needs to be warned: I know the way up now, and I can get up there to push his sorry butt down if I want...

Okay. If you open the pantry door and I sneak in, whereupon I curl up behind the canned goods where you cannot see me, and then you close the door, thereby locking me in, of course it's your fault.

It certainly can't be mine.

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!



Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.

If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

Heh. You'd think the Woman would comprehend that if it's close to snack time, I'm likely to be nearby. And that if she gets up from a chair, I'm likely to jump up and head for the kitchen. You'd think.

Who knew she wouldn't look where she was going, step on my foot, make me shriek, and as I tried to run away I would go between her feet and trip her up so good that she fell flat on her face?

No one was hurt, so it's funny.

Really. And it'll be even funnier if she has a big bruise on her hip tomorrow. She seems to think she will.

A person ought to watch where she's going, eh?

Holy...

I took a nice, leisurely nap this afternoon, curled up on top of the climbing tower. I don't know where Buddah was and I don't really care, because it was an awesome nap. When I woke up I felt all warm and wonderful and nicely refreshed...

...and then I went downstairs. The People had moved all the stuff around! Sheesh, for a minute I thought we'd moved again.

People, I don't care if the couch made the family room feel too small. You put it there first, it should have stayed there. I don't care if it looks all spiffy in the living room (and why is it a living room when no one ever goes in there...?) with the bookcases and the big comfy chair. You moved it and made me upset, and that's what matters.

No, don't move it back. Just leave things alone already!

Oh, and get me some crunchy treats. I deserve that much.

---

Oh yeah!

Check this out!

The Woman's office has this thing she says is called a "media nook" but she put the fuzzy blankets in it and it's a special Kitty Lounge!

Is that awesome, or what???

Finally, we have an online connection. It took the People long enough. They kept blaming the cable guy for not showing up, but really, they should have figured out a way to get me online long before now. Right? Right.

Look at the nice wide window sills. I don't even need the People to put up my special window seats, there's enough space I can sit here and look outside, or even lie down if I want. I can't curl up, but that's all right. The sofa is nearby if I want to do that. Or in the other room there's the big floppy comfy chair; the Woman put it right in front of two huge windows that look out front.

It would help if they would finish putting all their stuff away, but the place is still cluttered. The Woman says she can't do a lot during the day because the Man is asleep and she doesn't want to wake him. That's just an excuse. She could tidy up quietly if she really wanted. I think she just wants to sit there and read or play computer games all day. Buddah and I would like everything off the floor ASAP, because it seems to be prime floor material, and we can run and slide like crazy on it.

I know the People didn't want to move (heck, neither did I) and Buddah was freaked out beyond belief at first, but all in all, I think this is going to be a much better place to live. And that's coming from a kitty who liked the last place! I mean, sheesh--I have a private litterbox room! What more can a kitty ask for, besides a never ending supply of Stinky Goodness???

Dictated for the Woman to post while being lazy at the library:

Yeah, we don't have internet access at the new place yet. You should hear the people complaining about that...but the library does, so the Woman is going to post this for me once she gets there.

The house is sweet; it has stairs and it echoes when I meowe and we have a private kitty litterboax room under the stairs. I think I'll like it here (once they get all their crap put away.)

Buddah freaked out the first day and was so scared he climbed up inside of one of the peoples' reclining chairs and wouldn't come out. He was even shaking really hard. But once he realized this place is like a kitty jungle gym, he clamed down. And he'll put pictures on his blog when we have access at home.

But some bad news...Merlin, the little kitty we were pulling for, went to the Rainbow Bridge. He was at home with his Woman when he decided it was time, and he trotted off on his own terms. I'm sad, but I'm also glad he didn't suffer too long. FIP is not a fun thing to deal with, not for the kitty or the person.

And I'm sad to hear that Ullrick also went. Dammit.

I should be back online by this weekend, if not I'll dictate another missive and make the Woman go back to the library.

It has begun...but we actualy have computer access today. Why? Because the Man and the Younger Human, while they move the stuff out, not only locked Buddah and me in the bedroom they locked the Woman in here, too!

So she's sitting here, complaining about me complaining about being locked up, and she won't let me growl and hiss at Buddah (well, I do it anyway and she keeps saying to stop it, like I'm going to listen...) and I bet pretty soon she's complaining about sitting on the floor.

She says she's in here because she's not much help with the heavy stuff due to her back, but really, I think she whines so much they wanted her behind a closed door where they didn't have to listen to her.

Judging from how it looks around here, I think I am not going to have a computer available for a few days. So think of me while these People are TORTURING us and LOCKING US IN A ROOM ALL DAY while they take all the stuff out of the house. I heard the Man say he would leave the cable router plugged in, so I might be able to get on later tonight and surf through some kitty blogs. I hope so. I haven't gotten nearly enough surfing time lately. They OWE me that, if they're gonna take the computer away for UMPTEEN days.

Oh, and now I have to give the little monster some of my hard earned money. Who knew Satan really could ice skate???

And one more thing...Merlin the little kitty we've been pulling for isn't doing so hot. He has FIP and the outlook is not good. So please throw some more Mojo and prayers and good thoughts towards his Mom, to help her get through this. She hasn't had him very long but she loves him like crazy. You know, sometimes a kitty comes into a Person's life because the person needs the kitty, and sometimes the kitty needs the Person. Merlin really needed a Person, and she's been exactly the Person he needed...so ton's o'good thoughts, and when I get my computer back I'll hope the news is at least palatable...

There are boxes all over the freaking place.
I know what it means and I don't like it.
So why are you surprised that I growled at a box this morning?
It was there, I was ticked off...end of story. No use getting your panties in a knot.

I don't care if you're all tired and sore from moving stuff.

PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Right. Now. Let me sit in your lap and then you scratch my chin and tell me how wonderful I am.

DO IT!

Hey, remember Merlin, the kitty I mentioned before that was sick and needed mojo? Well, he's finally starting to feel a little better, but he still needs mojo and prayers and 62 kinds of good thoughts. It's his Mom's birthday, and the best present she could get would be a heavy concentrated dose of Kitty Healing Brainwaves aimed right at the little guy.

The M word begins implementation tomorrow...Buddah and I will try to get on this week, but I'm not sure how much blogging we'll be able to do.

It occurred to me last night that it's been a long time since I've sat on the stairs and sung (sang? singed?) my little heart out. So I waited for the people to be asleep, planted my furry little butt on the landing between the two sets of stairs, and let it rip.

A few minutes later the Woman stumbled out and asked, "Are you all right? It's four in the freaking morning. Why are you making all that noise?"

Sheesh.

Because you missed it, lady, that's why.

Man, what a difference an hour makes.

I used to try to get the Woman up at 7 on the mornings she needed to get up to feed me us. But then she added crunchy food back into our diets, so I could eat a little in the middle of the night, and I wasn't starving by 5 a.m.

So now I don't wake her up until 8. And she doesn't seem to mind.

But she's still not exactly with it in the mornings. Like today. I jumped up on the bed and said "It's eight now. We're hungry."

She sighed and her eyes sort of fluttered open. "What time is is?"

"Eight."

"Move and let me see the clock."

"It's eight! It's eight!"

She leaned over and pushed my head down so she could squint at the clock. "Wow. It's after eight. "I bet you want to eat, don't you?"

Duh.

At least in her density, she's not grumpy about getting up, even though she does insist on going to the giant literbox before going downstairs...

I hope that lasts.

Lady, you can shake that finger at me all you want and tell me no all you want, but I know you're not gonna hit me, and growling works. So, there.

:::licks paws and chops:::

Mmmmmmm...chicken...

The People had baked chicken tonight, and they gave me some. They gave Buddah some, too, but he didn't want it, so the Woman said, "Go ahead...you can have it, Max."

So I ate it.

And it was good.

There's pie for dessert later, but I bet I don't get any of that.

Oh yeah, the sound of thundering elephants, that was me. I saw that wiggly white snake that the Woman had by the tail, and I went for it. It was flopping all over the place, making a ticking sound on the floor, and I felt compelled to kill it before it did her in.

Better yet, Buddah sat by watching, wanting to get in on it so badly, but it was my kill, so watching was all he got to do.

I think it's good and dead now. The Woman left it there on the floor and said I could play with it some before she tossed it out. I let Buddah take a bite then and he said "Ick. That tastes like plastic. Isn't it supposed to taste like chicken?" But you know, if she hadn't cut it off the stack of flat, empty boxes she brought in, it wouldn't have been a problem for her.

This is what happens when a person begins to implement the M word. White snakes that *I* have to kill.

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!

Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.

If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

The packing has begun.
They are in the throes of implementing the M word.
Shoot me. Shoot me now.

I'm not really sure what prompted her to do it--the Woman gave us a Stinky Goodness snack at TWO IN THE MORNING--but I'm not complaining. And beause she was so nice, I did not try to wake her up this morning when we normally eat. No, I sat on the bed and stared at her quietly, letting her sleep.

Then Buddah jumped up on her, and even though he was quiet about it and just plopped down there to curl up, it woke her up.

She opened her eyes and mumbled "My bladder says good morning..."

Yeah, I didn't hear anyone say anything, and neither did Buddah. I think what she heard was one of the voices in her head talking to her.

So we were really good and didn't wake her up, but was she happy? No, she got up, went to the giant litterboox rom, and then went back to bed, mumbling something about three-thirty in the freaking morning and dying if she didn't get more sleep. She went back to bed, and we were left to just sit there and wait.

Hey, just because a guy gets a middle of the night snack that doesn't mean he's not hungry in the morning.

What good is being good if it doesn't get you some Stinky Goodness???

Ohhhhh...I looked out the upstairs window this morning and there's a sign in the front yard that says FOR SALE. The Woman saw me looking and she said "Yep, it's official," and then went yammering on about how there are so many houses for sale in the neighborhood and the owner is going to be lucky to just get people to come see it and how we're probably going to like the new place a lot more...

Yeah, I mostly stopped paying attention, jumped onto the bed, and started licking myself. It seems to me that's the most appropriate response to any talk involving the M-word.

I have a MySpace page.

I don't know exactly what I'll do with it.

But it occured to me...we kitties, in our quest to take over the world, can start by making our presence known in massive droves on MySpace.

We're already doing pretty good at taking over the blogosphere. Perhaps MySpace is the next logical step.

Join me, catizens of the blogosphere.

Heck, just create a page and friend me so I don't look so pathetic with my 3 friends over there...

Heyyas...one of my kitty friends--his name is Merlin but he doesn't have a blog--is sick and he needs all the good thoughts, well wishes, Mojo, and prayers we can give. He's just a little guy, and his Woman really needs him to get better.

Kitty Mojo is a powerful thing. The more we give, the more we have left, right?

Because We All Need To Smile, and Because The Man's Mom sent These, I Present:
Tiny Things That Aren't All Cats To Make You Smile
click to biggify...














OK. Didja smile?

w00t! I found a couple of blogs that are new to me.
Well, ok, I didn't FIND them, peoples emailed and TOLD me about them.
That's kinda like finding them, right?

Missy & KC
Skeeter & LC
The Moggyblog

Some of you already found 'em and didn't tell me, so my nose is outta joint and I'm not sharing my crunchy treats.

Well, that's IF I get any crunchy treats tonight.

The People have been very stingy with them lately.

OK, I'll share. But only because you're not begging and biting me...

Oddz N Endz

• It's not fair to open the cupboard with the Stinky Goodness cans and add more to it without giving the kitties some Stinky Goodness
  
• It's really not fair to use the slow cooker thingy to fix something all meaty smelling for your dinner because that drives the kitties nuts with all the good smells
  
• Letting strange people in to look at where we live bothers the kitties. Don't do it again
  
• If the man who owns the house wants people to look at it he should give you a bajrillion dollars or wait until we're gone
  
• I only wanted to sit on the desk when there was crap in the way. Now that you cleared off a giant spot, I don't want to sit there
  
• No, I am not amused by the way you play fetch with Buddah. Frankly, I find it disturbing. Am I the only one who realizes that 1)he is not a dog, and 2)that is not a real mouse you're throwing?
  
• I know you went shopping today. So why did I get no presents?
  
• No, I don't care if you have to pee. I want to sit in your lap. Deal with it
  
• If you forget to give me my chunk tonight, I promise to not poop on your pillow...
  

Man...instead if hiding my chunks in my food, the People have started shoving them down my throat again. Just because I tasted the beefy Stinky Goodness the other night and refused to eat it. I relly don't want their dirty fingers in my mouth... I've seen what those people scratch and I would prefer they keep away from my lips and tongue, thankeweveddymuch.

The Woman says they don't want to ruin the taste of my Stinky Goodness since I don't get as much of it anymore. Yeah, right, like what I like was a consideration...I'm not stupid, they just didn't want to risk me not eating it.

She's also happy because it doesn't seem like I'm gaining weight on the dry crunchy food. Hello...? Could it be because it's healthy weight control crunchy food?

I still haven't told them I like it. Why should I make them feel good about taking away some Stinky Goodness???

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!



Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.

If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

Today the Woman did some laundry, so I did like any good kitty would: as soon as she said "Do NOT get on my clean clothes," I jumped into the warm basket filled with clean clothes.

She reached down and picked me up.

So I did what works really well on Buddah...I growled at her.

Did she put me down? Did she tremble with fear?

Phfft. She liften me up higher, made me look at her, and said "You DO NOT growl at me."

Obviously, I do.

You think she would have grasped that fact when I did it.

The next laod coming out of the dryer is white clothes. You know I'm gonna jump on those!

You know, it's pretty freaking sneaky for people to cut back on the Stinky Goodness when the kitties are trying their best to be really good and cute and not snarky at all. And we are being good, realy good. I'm not telling the Woman I kind of like the dry crunchy food she's been leaving out for us...she's not home much to notice how much I enjoy it. Once everything is back to normal, I'll try to make her feel guilty about the lack of Stinky Goodness. Until then...that's some pretty tasty crunchy stuff!

Paws

Buddah and I are taking a very short blog break while we do the cute thing and try to make the people feel better.

The reason is here...

I was tagged by Kimo & Sabi to list 5 weird things about myself. However, since there is nothing weird about me, I will list five interesting things about me.

1. I can whisper
   
2. I have an internal clock that is eerily accurate--it always knows when it's time to eat
   
3. I can poop at will
   
4. I punch the Woman in the eye almost everyday
   
5. I have never had a bath by any means other than my own, unless you count getting my butt washed off with a rag.
   

Now the Woman, there are definitely some weird things about her...

1. She can't go anywhere alone for the first time
   
2. She'd rather go to the dentist than make a phone call
   
3. She thinks she had a brain tumor once, but I think someone has to have a brain for that first
   
4. She stabs herself every day
   
5. She's so lazy that she has a little fridge in her office so she doesn't have to go downstairs to get a soda
   

I could go on and on and on about her weirdness....

About moving...what I can gather from listening to the People talk, the guy that owns this house wants to sell it, so we have to move. The Woman thinks she's getting excited about it. See, another weird thing. I think she's insane.

Oh holy...

They said the M word again.
And they mean it.
They are not happy, and I am not going to be happy when it happens, either.
:::growls::

In case you didn't hear, Millie got her forever home AND a blog! Go say hi!

Added later:
New Cat Blog On the Block y'all gotta check out... Kimo & Sabi ... go one. Go see. I know you want to.

Summertime Secret Paws!

Today Buddah and I got our secret paws presents! And our secret paw was AYLA!!!!

She sent us mousies and nip balls, and a really cool kitty crack bag that I snagged all for my own. Buddah is having 32 kinds of fun with the mousies and nip balls...just as long as he stays away from my new crack bag!

The Woman added some pctures of us investigating the presents in her Flickr thingy, in the Summertime Secret paws folder.

THANK YOU AYLA!!!

Ooohyeah.

We're gonna do it. We're gonna write a book.

WEB PAGE WITH INFO IS HERE (clicky, clicky...)

...and there's a link to the right sie of the page, right up top, that will stay there.

Oks. Here's the deal. You don't have to be a "writer." You don't have to think you're super good. You just have to like to write. Poetry, essays, fiction, even black and white line drawings. Ideally we want to wind up with enough stuff to fill 100-200 pages of a 6 x 9 trade paperback book.

Write On!

• Stories should have something to do with kitties, but don't have to.
  
• It would be cool to have a big chunk of this by written "by the kitties," using their kitty names.
  
• There will be a section for Voice From The People, wherein stories, etc will be "by People."
  
• You will retain ALL RIGHTS to your work.
  

Hey Matthew! If you write something, we'll have a special chapter: The Sticky Little Person Speaks Out!

If we have everything submitted by October 15, the book should be ready to order by the first week of November, and in the major online bookstores by December 1st.

If you're artistic and are interested in doing a cover, that would totally be cool, too. A front cover image would need to be 6.5 x 9.5 CYMK at 300 dpi (important stuff should not be in the outer .5 inches...) in .tif or .png format (other formats can be used, but will be converted...)

WE'RE ALL GONNA BE FAMOUS!!!!!

Are you a writing kitty?

Do you have the talent for turning your thoughts into stories? Or essays? Or poetry?

If the answer is yes, then there's one more question:

Are you interested in writing a short story or essay or an adaptation of some of your blog stuff for an anthology of Kitty Fiction? The Woman is thinking of putting together a book of OUR wonderful work to be published in time for the holidays, with all the profits going to a suitable Kitty charity. It would be published by Inkblot Books and would be available in all the major online bookstores as well as through the publisher.

If you're a kitty and you like to write (and we all have blogs, so obviously we do!) and you think you might want to do this, please leave a comment. If there's enough interest, she'll get the ball rolling.

It would make a terrific holiday gift, plus it would buy some needed stuff for kitties in need.

Speak up if you think you might want to be in it!

Last week, the Woman closed all the blinds on the windows because it was hot out. It was hot OUTSIDE, not INSIDE, but she closed the blinds anyway, so Buddah and I couldn't see outside much. She left one window downstairs open and one upstairs, but both of those windows looked out to NOTHING worth seeing.

I got fed up with it. So yesterday I went from window to window, banging at the blinds until she got so fed up that she opened most of them. First she opened one in the living room and said "Are you happy now?" but no, it wasn't enough.

So she opened another and said, "Are you happy?"

I kept banging on blinds until she opened them all, and then when she said "Are you happy?" I looked at her and said "Well, no, but this will do."

If she wanted me happy, she should have given me some crunchy treats. I worked hard to get her to open those blinds. I deserved some crunchy treats!

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!



Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.

If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

Buddah wised up. He decided he really didn't like the hairball goop after all, so he's refusing to lick it up. And since the People are--deep down--pansies, they caved and instead of trying to force it on either of us, they're giving us some crunchy food that has hairball stuff in it.

Now that I like. It means a little less Stinky Goodness, but not so much that I really notice it. Yet. They're skimming an ounce or so off each of our meals so we won't feel hungry. The last couple of nights the Woman has given us the crunchy food right along with our Stinky Goodness snack, and I actually couldn't eat it all.

Who'da thunk that? Me, not finishing food... And I'm not even sick!

I think the People are hiding from someone. Today the Woman closed almost all the blinds in the house, so we can't see out and people can't see in. Oh she says it's because it's so hot and she wants to keep the heat out, but I know better. She's in hiding.

She didn't chase me around with the camera today. She was too busy either sleeping or sitting in front of the TV drooling on herself. And she played with the computer a lot, putting pictures up at Flickr. This is cool; she can share my wonder with the world. And she can annoy people with her bike ride pictures.

If someone knows who the People are hiding from, let me know so I can turn them in for the reward.

They got a new camera today.
I must now go into hiding.
At least until snack time...

I was reading the comments in the last post and Princess Mia said her mom puts the goopy hairball stuff on her fur to make her eat it. The Woman actually told me she could do that. She said if she really wanted me to have it she would smear it on my paws and then I'd lick it off.

Oh really?

Fair warning: if that stuff gets smeared on my paws I am marching upstairs, jumping on the bed, and rubbing myself all over her pillow. And then I will poop on it.

The PsychoKitty Goop N' Poop.

I should trademark that...

Remember when I got so sick and I wasn't eating? The People got this tube of brown goop and they kept trying to jam some of it in my mouth; it was nasty and horrible and I didn't want it, and once I got my strength back I swore I would never let it anywhere near me again. Oh, they said I needed it because it had calories and would keep me from wasting away, but it was gross. Max doesn't do gross.

Yesterday the Woman comes home with a tube. And wouldn't you know it, it's brown goop. Now, I'm not sick, Buddah's not sick, and we're eating just fine, so I said to him "RUN!" as I scampered across the kitchen to hide under the table where she couldn't reach me, but he went over to her!

She squirted some of the goop out onto our plates and he started licking it right up. Evidently, Buddah does do gross.

While he lapped it up she bent over and said to me, "It's for hairballs, Furball. Try it, you'll like it."

No.
Way.
In.
Hades.

Then it occurred to her. "It's not the same stuff, I swear! This tastes like salmon!"

Yeah right. And when I lick my butt it tastes like sunshine and daffodils.

Buddah likes it, though. And she let him have my share. Since he has hairball problems and I don't, it works out. That's one treat he can have all to himself.

I figured it out this morning: how to defeat the squirt bottle.

The Woman keeps it right beside the bed, within easy reach, so she can aim it at me if I try to wake her earlier than she feels is necessary. I've knocked it away before she can get to it a few times, but that just ticks her off.

So this morning I just sat there and meowed a little bit; she reached for the bottle, as expected, but did not squirt me. All I had done was let out a little "hello?" and that just doesn't deserve a good squirting. I let her get hold of the bottle, and waited. I knew she was not exactly awake and would fall asleep with the bottle in hand. And I knew if she fell back asleep the bottle would tip to its side, and just lay there beside her.

When she was asleep and the bottle was safely on its side, I did what every cat should do. I laid down across the bottle.

And then I poked her in the eye.

:::poke:::
"Wake up. I'm hungry."
:::poke:::
"Come on, I know you're in there."
:::poke:::
"This hurts you more than it hurts me. Get up!"

Heh.

Oh, she opened that eye and muttered, "Don't think I won't grab you by the tail and swing you around the room like a little kitty helicopter," but I knew better. She was awake, and once she's awake, I can pretty much count on breakfast within 5 minutes.

But just in case, I took my tail and jumped off the bed, where Buddah was waiting to be sat on.

All in all, a very good morning.

If Buddah and I Were Penguins...



The Woman is upset because Buddah flinches if I approach him from behind when he's eating. Well of course he does! Once in a while, when a People is not paying attention, I bite Buddah on the butt while he's eating. Sometimes he runs away and I get to finish his food, but mostly, I do it because I can.

That's nothing to get upset over.

Really now.

Hey...whomever amongst you is signing me up for crap like Neopets and Bratz and other assorted online garbage...please stop.

She asks, "Is that kitty bothering you?"

We're at the back door, hissing and spitting and pounding on the glass. No, we're just so happy about that rude kitty being there that we could just pee right on the spot.

At least she didn't go outside and pet it this time. It's bad enough that she's leaving water on the back porch for it.

If she starts feeding it, we're going to have to have a long discussion, one that involves teeth and blood.

Eh, you think his new little friend will keep him out of my hair?



I didn't think so...

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!



Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.

If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

Last year, Buddah hid under a bed while things were going =boom= and I had to sit on the floor beside the bed to make him feel better.

This year all he did was go from window to window trying to find whatever as making that noise... Kittyally (as opposed to personally, because I am not a person) I was unimpressed by this years noise. If people are going to make things go boom, they should go =BOOM= not boom.

At least all I got was annoyed and didn't have to babykittysit this year...

Ok...I'm outta books. I can get more--if there are 7 more people who want a book and want the money to go towards kitty No Name Yet, the Woman can order more. Well, she can order less than 7, but that's the magic number to get a printing discount, and she's really cheap...

Thanks, everyone...the kitty blogoshpere is the best.

---

Edited a few minutes later: the kitty has a name! AND Malcolm reached his goal...! but I had the Woman send the book money anyway, 'cause Millie may need stuff still. You know, treats and toys and fresh live dead shrimp and fish.

Oh, and I got a couple emails from kitties who were sad because they couldn't donate. Please don't feel sad. You wanted to help and that's the important thing. Your well wishes, good thoughts, Mojo, and prayers are every bit as helpful as cash. And those things may be most important now...Millie and Malcolm need all the prayers and good thoughts and Mojo we can all send their way, so she fully recovers and decides he's a keeper.

Ok, We GOTTA Help...!

I wish I had checked my email last night, so I would have known earlier (thanks Beau, for dropping all da kitties a line!)



This pretty little thing (yes she's pretty! She's a tux!) got squashed by a car, was rescued by this guy, who didn't have to do anything but did...and the kitty needed a new hip.

(I know lots of you already know this, but play along for those who don't...)

New kitty hips are not cheap, even with a vet donating a huge chunk of the services.

I just got a couple of book orders and am going to donate the money from that...but I still have 3 copies of Something Of Yours Will Meet A Toothy Death and will donate the money from those--so if you've ever wanted one WITH MY SPECIAL AUTOGRAPH!!! now's the time! (You must order using the Pay Pal payment link in order for me to be able to directly donate the funds.)

If you don't want a book but have a kind heart and want to help ease the financial burden of getting this beautiful little girl (yes, I said it. BEAUTIFUL! I can be snarky and still say that. I CAN!) much needed help ('cause she'd be dead otherwise, you know) then go to his web site, find the paypal link, and donate a buck or two or twenty.

Kitties of the web, we must unite. We are kitties, hear us roar...or something like that. Help if you can, please.

The Woman cleaned the counter top in the kitchen, and since it's a little warm in here and the tile on the counter is cool, I jumped up there and stretched out. She sighed hard and said, "I just cleaned that!"

Yeah? And the point is...?

Then she sweeps the bathroom floor and asks, "Do you think you two could kick a little more litter out of that box? I only got one dustpanful this time."

I suppose we could.

Then she has the pantry door open so she can out her lunch stuff away and Buddah runs in...she bends over to pick him up while saying "There's nothing in there for a kitty."

Buddah came out with a toy mousie clenched in his mouth. So...ha! She really needs to stop thinking and just go with the flow...

Just to keep her on her toes, I walked into the living room where the Woman was sitting, sat down and looked at her, and then hocked up a hairball of my own.

The Man was indisposed, and thusly could not take care of it.

Tomorrow, it's Buddah's turn again.

We had the last of the birthday shrimp tonight, and you know what? Buddah walked away from his so I could have it. The Man put it down on his plate and Buddah stepped away, and asked the Woman for some crunchy treats instead. I hope this doesn't mean he expects me to be nice to him or something.

Though, if I could have, I would have applauded when he hocked up a hairball last night. He was at the very top of the climbing tower, leaned over, and let it fly. There was barf everywhere. It was impressive and smelly, and the Woman had to gag her way through cleaning it up. Heh.

The People keep whining about how hot it is outside, how it's miserable going out there, like getting slapped in the face with a hot oven.

This demonstrates the collective human field of intelligence. It's wicked hot out, so what so they do?

They keep going out.

Stay inside! There's cool air blowing thingies inside! Inside you can sit in a chair right under one of those cool air blowing thingies, watch junque on TV or read a book, and not suffer through the misery of heat.

It's so simple, a toddler could think of it.

But no, they keep going out, and then complain about it when they get home.

They do not have my sympathies.

Well...unless they're going out to get stuff for me, then I'll feel a tiny bit bad for them.

Oh! And guess what! Only six more months until Santa comes again!

"Max," the Woman said, "I feel bad that I forgot your birthday."

As well you should.

"You know, just a few days ago I was telling myself that I needed to remember, and then I forgot anyway. I'm worthless, I know."

As least you finally admit it.

"I can make it up to you."

I highly doubt it.

"We bought you something..."

It better be new People.

"What's your favorite thing in the whole world?"

Food. Duh.

"Your favorite treat of all time."

Shrimp?

"Shrimp!"

Lots of shrimp?

"A whole shrimp ring! You can have shrimp for more than one snack!"

Hell, I'll even share with Buddah!

"And because you've been so good, I won't even give you your pill tonight."

No chunk?

She might be redeemable after all.

THEY FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I told you I needed new people.

I am so totally pooping on something tonight.

An hour and a half.

That's how late the People were getting home to feed us tonight.

It's bad enough that the Woman is either not here to turn the computer on for me or if she's home she's hogging it, now they're incredibly late and I don't think they even care.

One would think that to make up for it, they would let us have our snack early. But no. She refuses.

I bet she makes us have it late. As if getting dinner late means we're actually not hungry already.

When she takes a shower tonight, I am going to sneak in and flush the giant litterbox.

Oh man.

Could there be anything better than Tri-tip as a surprise snack?

I didn't think so...

Whew.

This is hard work.

I'm at the Calico Girls where I handed off the torch to Mistrie, and am staying here for a bit to rest up and enjoy the company. Heh. Girl kitties! And they had FOOD for me! They aren't stingy with it like SOME people.

I got the torch from Diva Kitty at the Jelly Belly Factory. I let the Woman tag along to take some pictures, but let me tell you, that was a bad idea.



Here we are in front of the factory, with Mattingly in the middle! But all the Woman got was our ears... =sigh= She didn't even manage to get anyone else's ears in!



After wandering around some, we saw this guy. They couldn't pay me enough, nope...



And look who else was there! I'm not sure whose ears those are; it's either me or Diva Kitty.

Someone tell the Woman I'm staying here tonight, so no chunks for me!!! I can teleport back in time for breakfast!

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!



Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.
If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!

I have a really good way of waking the Woman up every morning now. She doesn't like it, but it works.

I poke her in the eye.

Not hard (and I don't have claws)... I just take my fuzzy little paw and poke her kinda soft, but she wakes up pretty freaking quick. She says all kinds of bad words and makes me get off the bed, but I get right back up and tell her over and over that we're starving and she needs to get up RIGHT NOW.

I may have worked a little too hard...this morning she had the dreaded Squirt Bottle beside her. I poked and she reached over, got the bottle, and doused me.

After geting off the bed I thought, "that's not fair!" so I jumped back up, and she squirted me.

I got back up and meowed over and over and over, and she squirted me.

So I jumped up, ran across her head, down to the floor, and she couldn't squirt me.

Then I stood by the door and meowed, and she squirted me.

But, ha! I am not stupid. I stood just outside the door, where the squirt could not reach, and meowed and meowed and meowed.

Okay, so she didn't get up, but the Man did.

I got my Stinky Goodness, and that's what matters.

Tonight while they sleep, the squirt bottle must die.

Fish! The man went out this morning and caught some fish, and he caught a special small one for Buddah and me. Real live dead fish! I was so happy, I forgot to limp!

Yeah, that sympathy thing only works when you remember you're supposed to be hurt...

In thinking about it, we must keep an eye on this Sticky Little Person's blog. It may prove to be invaluable in understanding these tiny people who like to grab at us and pull our fur and our tails. Besides, I bet he gets as frustrated by the People as we do...

This does not mean that I still miss the Sticky Little People I used to see outside the window. No no no.

But it was kind of cool when they learned to say my name.

In other news, I somehow pulled a muscle in one of my back legs. I'm not sure how, but you can bet when the opportunity presented itself that I blamed it on Buddah. It's not even that bad, just a twinge, but I make sure to ham it up when I catch someone watching me. I figure I can use it to get a crunchy treat or two tonight.

Holy crayola.
Sticky Little People are blogging now!
The Internet will end... now.

My next book isn't going to be an expanded blog. No, my next book is going to be Stupid Things Stupid People Say.

Really, when you think about it, our people tend to carry on the most inane conversations with us they possibly can. They think they know what we're saying to them, but they're not listening, not really, so they jabber on, as if anything they say is remotely related to the subject at hand.

Like the whole bee incident. I warned her, but was she listening?

And yesterday. Buddah was downstairs and the Woman was upstairs, and he couldn't find a mousie to play with, so he called out, "Can someone help me find a mousie?"

She leaned over the rail and told him to come upstairs.

He wanted a mousie, and none of them were upstairs, he knew that much. But she kept insisting; come upstairs and I'll pet you. You can sit on my lap. I'll pay attention to you.

All he wanted was a mousie! And he was asking nicely! But she kept blabbering on and on about coming upstairs to get petted.

Look, people, if a kitty is at the bottom of the stairs calling up to you, it means he wants you to come down and get something for him, something he can't reach or can't find. If he wanted you, he would come upstairs and jump in your lap and get his face right into yours until you started petting.

And then there was this morning. The Woman was still asleep and my tummy was rumbling. She has the thumbs, so I was trying to wake her up. And I was nice about it, I didn't stomp all over her or bite anything; I simply sat by her head and said "I'm hungry."

She rolled over and grunted, so I stepped to the other side of the bed and said, "Buddah is hungry, too."

Go away, was all she had to offer.

"Can't you get up long enough to feed us? You can go back to bed."

"Max," she sighed, "I am going to ignore you."

"Feed us first, please."

And then she covered her face! She had a shirt nearby and she used the sleeve to cover her face, and she went back to sleep! No "Oh I'm sorry you're so hungry." No "It's almost time to eat,I'll get up then." No "the Man will be home in 20 minutes and you can eat then." She just went back to sleep!

Really, I'd write that book if I thought the people buying it could comprehend their own lack of intelligence.

Unless...

Maybe it's just my People...

Oh, I could totally write that, and let the rest of the world laugh at them.

Ohhhhhh...I have found perfection!
First you get into the kitty crack.
Then you get on the kitchen table.
Find a Cheeto that a person left.
Eat it.

Oh man there is nothing better than a Cheeto! Especially if you're nipped out! I was gnawing on that thing and the Woman walked up and first asked what I was eating and then when she saw it she said "I really should take that away from you but you're almost done anyway..." So she let me eat it all!

Oh man! It was crunchy! It was cheesy! IT WAS CRUNCHY CHEESY GOODNESS!!!

I have to plot a way to get someone to drop one on the floor now.

The Woman was sitting outside, looking at a magazine, and I was inside, right by the screen door, enjoying the nice breeze. I noticed something was flying right behind her head, so I said "Hey, there's something behind your head."

She glanced at me and said, "It's not time to eat, max."

Well, duh, I knew that. And then I heard it buzzing and knew what it was, and those buzzing thingies can make her sick so I said, "Hey! It's a bee!"

"No, Max, not right now."

"It's a bee dangit!"

She sighed and set her magazine aside and said, "Surely you don't want to come out. You don't like it outside."

"No I don't want outside. I don't want the person who feeds me to die because of a buzzy thing!"

"You have an hour and a half until dinner."

"Bee. Bee. Bee. Bee. Can I say it any clearer?"

"What? You want me to come inside? Is that it?"

"No! There's. A. Bee. By. Your. Head!"

She stood up and as she turned around she saw it, and then scrambled to get inside where it's safe.

And then she had the nerve to say, "Well why didn't you tell me there was a bee so close?"

I hate people. I really do.

I was not hugging the Woman's feet at 6:15 this morning, no matter what she thinks.

I was holding them hostage.

Really.

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Last night, the Woman did not give us our before-bed snack. Not at all. She went to bed without opening up any Stinky Goodness for us. Worsde, it didn't occur to her until after we'd had dinner tonight, when she found the half a can I was supposed to get on top of the refrigerator.

I am going to poop on her pillow. When her head is still on it. I swear!

All right now.

Yesterday was going really well; I had breakfast, took two naps, pushed and shived Buddah around and was getting ready for another nap when the Woman grabbed me and shoved a chunk down my throat. This didn't taste nearly as bad as the other chunks, so I didn't fight it. Plus, she said it would make me feel all happy and chit.

And it did.

But then they shoved me in that danged plastic tomb and took me to the stabby place. Oh, they were laughing about how I was all happy and chit and I wouldn't do anything bad to the bald guy, but I showed them. I was nice for about a minute and a half, but then the bald guy took a step back and said "He's ramping up on me."

Well, hell yes I was! I was ramping up to start a biting and pooping spree! So what did he do? He threw a towel over me and took me into another room where he stabbed me!

After that....I dunno. I don't really remember the rest of the day. They took me to the stabby place and I freaking lost a day!

I showed my appreciation for the whole thing by dropping all 15 pounds of my wonderful body right on top of the Woman's face at 5:30 this morning. She thought I was saying "Good morning, now pet me," but that wasn't it.

I only had one thing to say to her.

Give me back my freaking day!!!

All right. The Woman didn't like it when I was all growly and snarky yesterday, so I figured I'd be nice to her and do the cuddly thing.

Did she appreciate it?

Just barely!

Here I was, curled up on her, my head on her shoulder, purring away like a kitten who's just discovered premium Stinky Goodness--she was petting me--and she mutters, "Couldn't you have picked a better time for this?"

Well...no. I picked a time when she was flat on her back, in a really good position for stretching out on top of her, getting my head right where she could give me skritches...It's not my fault that the best time to do that is 4:30 in the morning.

If she wants a better time, she should take naps.

Word up, Peoples.

If I want to growl at everyone and everything, I will. There's not a whole lot you can do to stop me, no matter how many times you tell me to knock it off.

If Buddah looks at me, I can growl.
If you touch the top of my head, I can growl.
If I don't like the way the wind is blowing the leaves on that bush in the back yard, I can growl.

I like growling. Don't much care if you don't like me liking it. If you don't want to hear it, go in the other room.

If I'd known how much power there is in growling, I'd have done it years ago!

Just for jollies, I sat there on the bed this morning, and watched the Woman's nose break and ooze all over the place. It was gross and kind of fascinating at the same time. I was waiting for her brains to get loose, but she woke up, said a few unrepeatable words, and went into the bathroom, where I presume she stuffed all that gunk back into her face.

Now, I was thinking this would be a good time to just go downstairs and feed the kitties, but noooo...she went back to bed. So what if it was 6:45? Other people get up at 6:45. Normal people get up then, I'm sure. I ave to have backwards people; the Man goes out and spends the entire night passing gas and then sleeps the day away, and the Woman stays up late and sleeps longer than someone who needs to feed the kitties should.

In fact, the only normal person here is the Younger Human. He gets up, goes to work, and comes home at a respectable hour. Then he goes out anjd sees his friends. But he doesn't have to be normal because it's not his job to feed the kitties! So why can't the Man be more like him? Pass gas all day long, but feed the kitties! Why can't the Woman go to bed at a normal hour and get up to feed us?

Really, I bet her nose would fix itself if she started being normal.

You know, you try to be nice to people, but does it get you anywhere?

Phfft.

Around 3 this morning the Woman was making some really strange noises with her nose while she was sleeping, so being the NICE KITTY that I am, I jumped up on the bed next to her head, and said, "Wake up. Your nose is broken."

She stirred and reached a hand up to pet me, but that wasn't why I was there. So I said again, "Hey. Your nose is broken."

She rolled over, so I stomped over the back of her pillow and said one more time, "Your nose is broken. Get up and fix it!"

Finally, she opened her eyes and said, "It's not time to eat."

No. Really? It's three in the freaking morning, I know it's not time to eat!

And then Ms. Genius muttered "Damn, my sinuses are packed."

Well, yeah, Woman, that's why I woke you up. So you could get up and fix the dang thing before something popped and flooded your brains out through your nostrils.

But did she get up to fix it? No, she just sniffed really hard and complained about how gurgly her head felt, and she closed her eyes!

If her nose is broken again tonight, I'm not going to do a freaking thing to help her. Let her brains squirt out her nose. It's not like we'd notice the difference anyway.

Why was I knocking Buddah's skinny little butt all over the place?

Because I can.

Why was there no growling and howling?

Because the little dip likes it.

Why was I doing this immediately after the Younger Human was playing with me a little rough?

Just because, sheesh. Like I need to assert my dominance over Buddah. There's no ego involved here. I just wanted to beat Buddah up, that's all. You should ponder more on why he enjoys it so much...

It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!



Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.
If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!