The PsychoKitty Speaks Out

You guys know how helpful I try to be, right? I am an especially considerate kitty, and every morning I do my best to help the Woman get out of bed. She has a routine: she puts her glasses on, gets up, gets dressed, goes into the giant litterbox room where she does her biznezz and takes some drugs her medications, and sometimes she sticks her head under running water as if that will take care of her head funk. Then she goes downstairs where she opens a can of Stinky Goodness for us.

So, I help. When she opens her eyes I try to get her glasses for her, and while she gets dressed I push the giant litterbox room door open, because she mostly closes it at night (the light from the tiny window in there disturbs her in the morning...plus Buddah likes to play with the vanity doors) and then when she's doing her biznezz I try to open the box on the wall where she keeps her stash meds. I haven't gotten t open yet, but at least I try.

But this morning. Phffft. This morning I went in to wake her up and she was all "Go away, Max," and "I'm not ready to wake up, Max" but it was past wake up time and I was HUNGRY. So I tried to get her glasses, but I must have been a little too heavy pawed because, dang, those suckers went flying and they wound up on the floor.

She got all "d&^%$%^ you little *$@%#@" on me and kind of shoved my butt out of the way so she could find them, but I know she can't see without them so I jumped down and tried to pick them up but did she appreciate that? No! She just snatched them up and then laid back down and closed her eyes!

Well, I was nice and let her sleep for another ten minutes, and I know it was a full ten because I counted. One, two, three...all the way to ten. Then I poked her eye with my little furry fist and holy carp! Her eyes flew open and this VOICE came out of her all deep and grumbly and POSSESSED like and she said Get. Off. The. Bed. and then her head spun around on her neck three times. I swear! Poor Buddah was so scared that he ran for it, and I can't say as how I blame him, but possessed or not we needed an open can of Stinky Goodness.

So I did what any good kitty would do when his Woman is suddenly possessed. I head butted her right in the nose and knocked whatever was making that deep grumbly noise in her right out. I'm not sure she was possessed by anything like, you know, the devil. I think maybe it was leftover Taco Bell or something.

In any case, that's when she finally got up. And oh yeah, she looked like h-e-double hockey sticks, but still I braved it and opened the giant litterbox room door for her and made sure she swallowed all those pills.

After all my effort, we didn't even get a special flavor of Stinky Goodness. Just chicken. And Buddah doesn't much like chicken.

Truly, she doesn't deserve me.