Whoa...Buddah bit the Man today. He didn't just bite, he bit. There was blood running down the Man's arm, and a whole lot of fun new words for me to remember...As much as it might have amused me to see Buddah get his teeth knocked into next week, I really should teach him about soft warning bites. Maybe. Maybe not. If he does it again, maybe we'll go back to being a one kitty house!!!!

I know, I know...I'm stuck with him...

I think there's something wrong with me. Really, really wrong, and if it gets worse, I'm going to have to go to the stabby place and you just know the bald guy is going to stick things where things don't belong.

Last night the Younger Human was not home, so I got to stretch out on his bed. He has the best bed in the house; it's not too soft and not too hard, and the warm air blowing thingy hits it just right. The thing is, I heard the Woman go into the kitchen when it was time for her to shoot up take her meds, which also means it's crunchy treat time.

She doesn't call us to remind us when its crunchy treat time. She figures if we don't come on our own, it's our tough luck. So we listen for the sound of the refrigerator door, because she keeps her drugs medication in there. I heard her, I knew what time it was, and I knew she was going to dole out crunchy treats.

This is where it gets weird.

I didn't get up. I didn't go downstairs to get my crunchy treats. We all know how much I love my crunchy treats, but I didn't want to risk giving up the warmest spot on the best bed in the house.

I willingly gave up crunchy treats.

That means I'm sick, right? I only hope it's not going to become a chronic thing. If it did, I would waste away into nothing but skin and bones, and I'm too damned pretty to let that happen.

Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. It is insufficiently warm in here. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. See my nipples? GOOSEBUMPS! Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. I don't care if it's 68 in here, I'm cold. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat. Turn up the heat.

Apparently, my lips are gross. At least that's what the Woman said when I woke her up by rubbing said gross lips across face this morning. It could have been worse, I could have made sure they were really wet with all my cat spit. Right after licking myself really well. She really shouldn't complain, should she?

OK...I thought I saw a twist tie on the table, and I kinda like them once in a while so, I tried to swat it, but it didn't move. Then I touched it with my paw, and it didn't move. So I tried again. Then the Woman starts laughing and says "Max...it's a line on a map, you can't play with."

Well excuse me, mizz-laugh-at-the-kitty, and go get me a real twist tie. Or crunchy treats. I'll forgive the laughing for 8-10 Temptations.

The Woman did it again. Last night she forgot to out food in our dishes before she went to bed, and we STARVED all night long. Really, I think I lost weight, like maybe 3 or 4 ounces. Oh, you can laugh, but when you only weigh about 15 pounds, ounces count!

She was falling all over herself apologizing when she realized it at TEN THIRTY THIS MORNING and she kept saying how we were good boys for not bugging her at 5 a.m. to get up and put some food out, but how can you bug someone when you're so weak from hunger you can barely lick yourself?

The Man tried telling her that there was probably plenty of food in the dishes when she went to bed so we ate that instead of bugging her, but what does he know? He can get his own food! I don't see him being forced to wait until his stomach is growling so hard it's going to turn inside out and grow hands and strangle his liver. Mine was about to, and I'm pretty sure I need my liver.

And Buddah... he's useless; he thinks because she gave us a bite of chicken before she went to bed that was enough. You know, if he had a pillow, I'd go poop on it.

It's that day again. You know which one. The day where boys give girls presents and girls give boys presents, and they get all mushy about each other and declare their undying luuuuvvvvvv for each other. Then it's all smoochysmoochysmoochy and they share dessert and God knows what else (well, I DO know, but I'm NOT sayin', because there are VERY YOUNG kitties reading...)

I've never given anyone a smoochysmoochysmoochy card or present because I figured it was pointless; I mean, the People had my fun bits RIPPED off, so what good am I as a man cat to a girl kitty? Who could love me like this?

And then I got to thinking. Well, who do *I* love the most? Who deserves a nice present from Max? Who should I spend my hard earned money on, who will appreciate it and be happy, and then it's back to who do I love the most?

Well now.

That simplified the whole smoochysmoochysmoochy thing for me. It's not about who could love nadless me, but WHO DO I LOVE THE MOST?

Whomever I love the most, that's who should get my special gift. So I gave the Woman money, and sent her out for a giant bag of Temptations to give to the one I love the most.

Awesome, wonderful, crunchy treats.

They were quite tasty.

=burp=

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Have you ever hear a boy sticky person who is almost a teenage sticky person try to talk? That's what the Woman sounds like now. She's not happy because the Man keeps laughing...Heh. I would, too, if I could laugh out loud.

My people have colds. I don't know why they think that should effect my day to day activities, but apparently they've determined that it would. It's also rendered them incapable of pressing the little silver ON button for me...

Cripes, who broke Blogrolling? It's kinda hard to visit other blogs without it. I got the computer tonight and no Blogroll to rely on!

In better new, there was chicken tonight. And Buddah slept through it. Muhahahahahaha!

I'm still annoyed, but mostly because the Woman has been hogging the computer for "work," which really means she's playing Bookworm, trying to get 20 million points. She says she got a lot done on her book and only has some tweaks and maybe needs a couple thousand more words...to me that sounds like she's going to be hogging the computer even more.

And we have more than one computer! You'd think she could leave the other one on for us, but nooooooo. That would make sense.

But...she did plop down and let me get almost caught up on General Hospital. Normally I wouldn't care, but I started watching it when I was keeping her lap warm, and now I have to find out who the text message killer is. DON'T TELL ME! I still have a couple of episodes to watch.

Oh yeah, I watch a soap. Real men can do that.

Things that are annoying me today

• The People have not shared anything from their meals for like TWO DAYS. They keep saying they're not eating anything kitty-friendly, but I don't believe it. I think they're just selfish and don't want to share.


• Earlier today the Woman said she would make a lap tonight and we would start getting caught up on 2 weeks' worth of General Hospital. It's almost 10 p.m., and there's been no lap forthcoming.


• She apparently does not realize how important it is we get caught up. STUFF IS HAPPENING! And I'm MISSING it!


• The warm air blowing thingy has not come on nearly enough.


• The People keep picking me up and holding my head so they can look at my chin. It's a zit, People. It's not going to start doing magic things, like wave at you or start dancing. Leave it alone.


• Buddah keeps breathing.


• The Woman insinuated that I need to write another book so that I can pull my weight around here. She should talk.


• Where's my freaking warm lap?

Man.... last night the Younger Human wasn't home so I took the opportunity to stretch out on his bed for a nice long nap. It's a good bed and very comfy to stretch out upon, so I relaxed and just slept for 3 or 4 hours.

When I woke, I went downstairs because I had the munchies, and surely it was crunchy treat time.

I mean, we always get a couple of crunchy treats at 11 p.m., because that's when the woman shoots up takes her one medication, and she gives us a few crunchies so that we won't "help" her inject it.

But I got downstairs, and the lights were off and she was headed upstairs! And she said "Sorry, Bug Guy, you missed snack. There's food in the dishes, though."

What? WHAT?

Like she couldn't have turned around and gotten a couple of crunchy treats for me? She knew what I wanted, why didn't she get it for me? How lazy is a person if they can't even be bothered to walk 15 steps to get something the kitty deserves to have?

I bet Buddah got some.

That little suckup never sleeps through crunchy time.

You know, if you didn't have Sasquatch feet, there'd be more room for me at the foot of the bed. Just sayin'...

The Woman picked me up today and said, "You feel lighter, Max!"

Well duh.

That's what happens when you STARVE A KITTY to death.

I miss my Stinky Goodness.

sob.

---

Padre tagged me for the nickname mememememe, the one where you list your real name and nicknames you like or tolerate, and what you wish yur people would stop calling you.

Real Name: Max. I already had that name when they got me and the people liked it, so I got to keep it.

Nicknames I like or tolerate: PsychoKitty, Big Guy, or Mr. Max

What I wish they'd quite calling me: Cutie, Furball, Sweetie. Those make me wanna gag.

Normally I'm against people rearranging the furniture...it's too much like the M-word, and I don't like things being all upset and different. Just leave things where they are, and no one will have to face the wrath of me treating anything to a toothy death.

This time...the people moved stuff around in the bedroom, and brought the tall climbing tree upstairs so we can sit on it and see the whole neighborhood when the window is open. When it was downstairs, we only got to see bushes and someone ugly truck.

But the best thing? It's right next to the bed, so if the Woman won't get up when I want her to, I have a high perch from which I can jump and emphasize the need for her to get her lazy self out of bed.

I can't wait to have to do that.

Both Sammy and Derby tagged me for this mememememememe...

What three things would you do that you have never done before, if you knew you wouldn't get caught, get in trouble, or suffer any consequences?

1. Write letters to the editors of all the major newspapers declaring my intent to take over the world, and supply kitties everywhere with endless supplies of Stinky Goodness, while making the people be our slaves.
   
2. Visit the place where the people hunt for food, and go behind the counter where there's huge containers full of fresh real live dead shrimp, and eat them all.
   
3. Lure Buddah outside, and push him in the pool.
   

Dangit, now I'm hungry and I want shrimp...

Um, yeah, if I'm trying to crawl inside the sweatshirt you're currently wearing, that means I'M COLD and you need to TURN UP THE HEAT. Sheesh, my nipples are puckering in some not very nice ways...

Um. Yeah. I don't know about people sometimes...

The day after the Woman let someone draw on her arm, the Younger Human went out and let someone draw on his chest. And I was right, that stuff's not washing off. Every morning I sniff the drawing on the Woman just in case it turns into something important or starts to move or whatever. You never know.

However, I have been very nice in that I am not trying to lay across her arm. She mentioned yesterday that it was still a little sensitive, so I'm being nice and not poking at it or anything, but if she ticks me off, I'm going to lick it. Oh yeah, I will. Think how that will feel, my sandpaper tongue on sensitive skin.

Man...now I almost wish she would do something annoying.

Instead of staying home and taking care of the kitties like a GOOD kitty caretaker would do, the Woman went out and had someone draw on her arm.



I hate to tell her this, but I don't think that's gonna wash off...

She's so happy about it, I think she's gonna wet herself. I'd make fun of her for that, but since I kinda pee'd with joy when Mao came home, I really can't.

I hope she's not gonna say a bunch bad words when she takes a shower and that's still there...