Man.... last night the Younger Human wasn't home so I took the opportunity to stretch out on his bed for a nice long nap. It's a good bed and very comfy to stretch out upon, so I relaxed and just slept for 3 or 4 hours.

When I woke, I went downstairs because I had the munchies, and surely it was crunchy treat time.

I mean, we always get a couple of crunchy treats at 11 p.m., because that's when the woman shoots up takes her one medication, and she gives us a few crunchies so that we won't "help" her inject it.

But I got downstairs, and the lights were off and she was headed upstairs! And she said "Sorry, Bug Guy, you missed snack. There's food in the dishes, though."

What? WHAT?

Like she couldn't have turned around and gotten a couple of crunchy treats for me? She knew what I wanted, why didn't she get it for me? How lazy is a person if they can't even be bothered to walk 15 steps to get something the kitty deserves to have?

I bet Buddah got some.

That little suckup never sleeps through crunchy time.

You know, if you didn't have Sasquatch feet, there'd be more room for me at the foot of the bed. Just sayin'...

The Woman picked me up today and said, "You feel lighter, Max!"

Well duh.

That's what happens when you STARVE A KITTY to death.

I miss my Stinky Goodness.

sob.

---

Padre tagged me for the nickname mememememe, the one where you list your real name and nicknames you like or tolerate, and what you wish yur people would stop calling you.

Real Name: Max. I already had that name when they got me and the people liked it, so I got to keep it.

Nicknames I like or tolerate: PsychoKitty, Big Guy, or Mr. Max

What I wish they'd quite calling me: Cutie, Furball, Sweetie. Those make me wanna gag.

Normally I'm against people rearranging the furniture...it's too much like the M-word, and I don't like things being all upset and different. Just leave things where they are, and no one will have to face the wrath of me treating anything to a toothy death.

This time...the people moved stuff around in the bedroom, and brought the tall climbing tree upstairs so we can sit on it and see the whole neighborhood when the window is open. When it was downstairs, we only got to see bushes and someone ugly truck.

But the best thing? It's right next to the bed, so if the Woman won't get up when I want her to, I have a high perch from which I can jump and emphasize the need for her to get her lazy self out of bed.

I can't wait to have to do that.

Both Sammy and Derby tagged me for this mememememememe...

What three things would you do that you have never done before, if you knew you wouldn't get caught, get in trouble, or suffer any consequences?

1. Write letters to the editors of all the major newspapers declaring my intent to take over the world, and supply kitties everywhere with endless supplies of Stinky Goodness, while making the people be our slaves.
   
2. Visit the place where the people hunt for food, and go behind the counter where there's huge containers full of fresh real live dead shrimp, and eat them all.
   
3. Lure Buddah outside, and push him in the pool.
   

Dangit, now I'm hungry and I want shrimp...

Um, yeah, if I'm trying to crawl inside the sweatshirt you're currently wearing, that means I'M COLD and you need to TURN UP THE HEAT. Sheesh, my nipples are puckering in some not very nice ways...

Um. Yeah. I don't know about people sometimes...

The day after the Woman let someone draw on her arm, the Younger Human went out and let someone draw on his chest. And I was right, that stuff's not washing off. Every morning I sniff the drawing on the Woman just in case it turns into something important or starts to move or whatever. You never know.

However, I have been very nice in that I am not trying to lay across her arm. She mentioned yesterday that it was still a little sensitive, so I'm being nice and not poking at it or anything, but if she ticks me off, I'm going to lick it. Oh yeah, I will. Think how that will feel, my sandpaper tongue on sensitive skin.

Man...now I almost wish she would do something annoying.

Instead of staying home and taking care of the kitties like a GOOD kitty caretaker would do, the Woman went out and had someone draw on her arm.



I hate to tell her this, but I don't think that's gonna wash off...

She's so happy about it, I think she's gonna wet herself. I'd make fun of her for that, but since I kinda pee'd with joy when Mao came home, I really can't.

I hope she's not gonna say a bunch bad words when she takes a shower and that's still there...

The Woman was sweeping litter off the bathroom floor and said, "You guys kick a lot of litter out of the box."

I did not reply, since she had not asked a question was was stating the obvious. Stating the obvious only gets a person a DUH stare.

Then she said, "As soon as I leave, you're going to climb in there and kick more out, aren't you?"

Again, I did not answer; clearly she had asked a question, but it was another DUH type thing coming out of her mouth, and lacking the ability to roll my eyes like an adolescent human, saying anything was pointless.

She finished sweeping and said, "Can you at least not do that again until tomorrow?"

To this I replied by climbing into the box and staring at her with a You've had me six years, and you have to ask that? glare.

Then I stared death rays at her head, and it exploded.

Well, ok, maybe not, but cripes she talks a lot.

Look!



And they're ALL MINE

Well, okay, I did let Buddah have some.

And I let the Man have some.

But other than that, they're ALL MINE.

Tagged by Mr. Hendrix for Seven Weird Things About Me!

You realize I can come up with far more than seven, right?

1. I am an attention whore...but only on my own terms. I will sit and stare at the Woman until she puts down whatever she's doing to make a lap for me, and I will meow at her until her head pops so that she will make a lap for me. But I don't like to sit in anyone else's lap.


2. I can poop at will, and do so with am amazing capacity anytime I am forced to go to the stabby place. Once, it was so stinky that people in the waiting room were gagging, and the door was closed.


3. Because of this innate ability, combined with my loving and gentle personality, my stabby place records indicate I must be sedated for future visits, and once when the People took Buddah there in my plastic tomb, the stabby people said "Oh thank God, it's not Max."


4. I have a beautiful singing voice and enjoy sharing it with my People, especially at 3 a.m., because this is when the quiet of the house lends itself to the charming acoustical nature of my warbling tenor. They throw things at me, but I think this is a lot like when Englebert Humperdink is on stage and women throw panties at him. It just means they love my performance.


5. I understand the Rules--if the kitty is a good boy when the people are having dinner--he will get a bite if it is something he really, really likes--and I obey them. I don't jump on the table during dinner, even though I am allowed on it when no one is eating. I tap people on the elbow to remind them I am there, but i know better than to get on the table.


6. Twinkies are the exception. While I still understand the Rules, I cannot follow them if I know there's creamy goodness in someone's hand. If I could, I would snatch it away from whatever person has the Twinkie, I love them that much.


7. I do not eat bugs. I will rip off their little wings and legs, but the idea of buggy consumption grosses me out. This means that the Woman frequently has to euthanize a bug, and she does not enjoy it, not at all.

I'm pretty sure this has made the rounds already, but if you haven't done it and have seven weird things about yourself, please do it. It's kinda fun! Buddah will do it soon, too, when he stops looking for his lost toys.

All right...so last night the Woman got all bent out of shape because she couldn't sleep and said it was Buddah's and my fault. First she got upset because we wanted in the Younger Human's room; all I was doing was sitting by it saying "Hello? Hello? Let me in, please!" I was very nice a polite and respectful, because that's the kind of guy I am. She didn't appreciate my manners.

Then Buddah stretched up on his back paws and tried to turn the door knob. He couldn't open it, but he did manage to jiggle it, and it made a very pleasing pinging sound. Ping ping ping ping. And he only did it a few times, but she found it annoying

After that we played Thundering Herd Of Elephants and ran not just up and down the stairs, but the bookcases as well. Did she thank us for keeping ourselves amused? No, she threatened to duct tape our furry little butts to the chairs at the table.

At 2:45 I realized we had been a little quiet for a while and she was probably asleep, so I jumped on the bed, walked up the whole side of it, and head butted her in the face.

Oh yeah, I did it.

That's what SHE gets for waving a little piece of Twinkie over my head and saying "Dance, kitty, dance!"

I did NOT dance.

I may have walked back and forth and in circles, but only because I wanted to keep my eye on that Twinkie, lest she decide to try to eat it. I did not dance.

I might let her sleep tonight, but I might not. Maybe I'll walk in circles all over her body and hiss "sleep, *#@%^, sleep!"

There was TWINKIE tonight!

The Woman had one and I jumped up in her lap, but she didn't get the hint; she just shoved me off with a "the lap's not available at this moment." I didn't want the lap, I wanted the Twinkie! So I tried again, and she put me back on the floor. Let me tell you, I was a whole new level of upset. Twinkies don't come around every day, and when there's one, I should get a HUGE bite.

She got up and was headed for the trash can to get rid of the wrapper, so I ran after her, and I admit, I might have squeaked a little bit because I was afraid she was going to down that sucker in one whole bite. Then it was like the dim bulb in her brain finally clicked on, and she said "Ohhh! You love Twinkies, don't you?"

Duh.

Buddah was there, too, so she let us both have a tiny bite, and then another tiny bite. I was kind of hoping Buddah wouldn't like his, but he scarfed it down, too.

After that she said we couldn't have any more, because she didn't want to deal with psychotic furballs on a sugar high. But. BUT! Twinkies come in a box, so I know there's more in this house somewhere, which means there will probably be bites tomorrow!

I might even be nice and not try to go up her nose after the shrimp she's obviously been snorting. Oh, she says her nose smells because she's got a bad cold, but I know the smell of live fresh dead shrimp, and it's up there.

Oh, wait.

Shrimp...Twinkies. Shrimp...Twinkies.

Decisions, decisions...

I jumped up on the bed this morning to tell the Woman she'd slept long enough and it was time to get her lazy butt outta bed, and I caught this whiff of something...it was amazing. It was like fresh live dead shrimp and tuna and ocean whitefish Stinky Goodness all rolled into one. I had to investigate it, it was just so intriguing.

And you know what she did? She practically yelled at me to get my head out of her left nostril! Like it's my fault that she's obviously been snorting the good stuff! I tried to stick my head in her mouth, too, because that smelled just about as good. She made me get off the bed then, mumbling something like "I don't need a furball, you furball."

You gotta figure, somewhere around here there's a bunch of fresh live dead fishy things, and I'm not getting any. They're holding out on me, and that's just not very nice.