Disturbing my routine is not acceptable.

We should all have it memorized by now: get your ass out of bed no later than 8:30 a.m., feed me, make the bed so that I have the fuzzy blanket upon which to nap, leave me alone, make a lap for me at noon, don’t move while I nap, take 2 minutes to use the restroom while I munch on some dry food at 3 p.m., make another lap for me and don’t move while I nap, get up off your ass at 5 p.m. to feed me again, fix your own dinner at 6 p.m. and make sure it’s something I will also enjoy, get on your computer after dinner but make sure you leave me lap space so that I can nap, then go to bed at 11 p.m. and leave me the hell alone. I will serenade you at 3 a.m.

Got that?

Staying up all night long is simply unacceptable. It throws me off balance, keeps me awake, disturbs my sense of the time, and I totally forget to sing at 3 a.m. And the noise! Holy crap, when you people stay up all night, you’re obnoxiously loud. Go to bed, dammit! And especially don’t stay up all night long and then leave without feeding me!


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