I have so totally got those People trained and they have no clue...

They had steak for dinner. They kind they cook outside, not cheap microwaveable crap that smells like it should be steak but really tastes like dog food. And they always buy into the cute act...stupid things like pawing at their legs and their butts, standing on my back legs with my front paws on the table edge, while I stretch to see what's on the table (and that always makes the Woman say something like "Holy crap, that cat is tall!" We got the point already, lady...)

Every time, every freaking time, they fall for it. Every time I get some of the steak. The Woman always cuts a piece up for me, and because the Man wants me to love him, too, he gives me a little bit.

Phffft. There's no love there, mister. Just a fine appreciation for your thumbs, you choice of food, and your paycheck.

If I had known the Woman was going to feel kind of sad after she got up and checked her email and stuff, I might have been nicer about getting her out of bed this morning. I was really hungry, though, and figured what the hell. I was nice to her yesterday, so today it should be ok to pounce on her boobs and run across her head. Over and over and over.

Seemed reasonable.

That was before I found out about Wil's cat. The Woman likes Wil, and since he's a cat person, I suppose I like him, too. Today he had to take his cat Felix in for that very last vet visit. Felix fought hard for a long time, but he was done. It was time.

I know it makes people sad. I would be, too, if it was one of my favorite kitties. But you know, the Rainbow Bridge is real. We all know it, People should, too. And since we're smarter than the average human, we know that you do what you have to do out of a kindness you don't seem to be able to extend to yourselves.

We know what's waiting for us. It's not a bad thing. I know that when I finally get to the Bridge--not that I'm in any hurry, since there are so many more ways for me to annoy the People--I'll be able to find my dog Hank, and he'll introduce me to Dusty, the Cat Who Came Before Me. And they'll point me towards Ataturk, the cat who owned the Woman when she was very little, and Bridgette, the dog who owned the Man when he was growing up.

We'll play together, and we'll wait for you.

So the Woman is a little sad today, because she feels bad that Wil and his family have to go through this. And she's thinking about her former owners, and misses them. So I'll be nice to her the rest of the day. I licked her hands when she came home from where ever she went today. She smells funny when she goes where ever that is, and is imminently lickable. That seems to amuse her. She threatens to take me there and throw me in the pool, but I know she doesn't mean it.

But People, just remember; if we're not here designating tasks for you, we're There, waiting. And take your time, because you have so much to learn here first.

I was nice to the Woman this morning. I didn't jump all over her and stomp circles around her head and across her stomach trying to get her to get up to feed me. I let her sleep, and I curled up on top of her to wait.

For some reason she finds this particularly endearing, and when she wakes up she doesn't groan and tell me it's not time yet; she tells me what a good boy I am (=gag=) and gets up to feed me before she even goes to the giant litterbox.

She thinks I'm being such a good boy; I have method to my madness. There's still some kitty crack shrimp in the kitchen, and I know if I let her sleep, she'll remember that and give me some tonight.

She'll complain about how much it stinks, but I'll get some.

And if she's nice enough to give me a litle more than usual, I will reward her with a great big hairball again. But maybe this time I'll present it to her on the bathroom floor. Or maybe in a shoe, where it can ferment for a little while.

I'm nothing if not considerate.

The People can't ever say that I never give them anything. Take last night. Last night I gave them a nice, big, wet hairball right in the middle of the hallway.

Today I got some special gifts from the Otter Princess. She's like half People, half otter, and half kitty, I think. She sent me the most awesome things--a bag FULL of kitty crack, this rubber thingy the People can rub on my fur (we'll see if I'll allow that...) and SHRIMP! Best yet, the shrimp is laced with kitty crack!!! I haven't had any yet, but the Woman gave me my dinner early so I could be sure to have some tonight.

I figure until I get some, I better be a good kitty for the People. No biting. I'll just curl up on the big fuzzy blanket and nap for a while, because I think I'm going to need all the energy I can muster later.

Shrimp & kitty crack combined. Who'da thunk that was even possible???!!!!

The People are talking about getting a kitten again. I've tried being especially obnoxious in order to convince them that this is a Really Bad Idea, but they seem to think that having a baby cat around here will somehow make ME less lonely.

Eh?
Huh?
WTF?

How could they possibly think that a little furball will make ME less lonely? And what makes them think I'm lonely in the first place? I have them, I have the Younger Human. If I feel remotely lonely, I can bite one of them and I get immediate attention, and if they're asleep, all I have to do is sing and the Woman wakes up.

It's pretty much the perfect thing, I think. The only thing that would make it better is if they would feed me more Stinky Goodness.

I think I'm going to start biting them more. Maybe that will finally convince them that I am more than enough.

Ok...what does a guy need to do in order to get some privacy? I mean, really... I was in the litter box, minding my own business, and I knew it was going to take a little while, so I decided to pass the time by singing. Well. The Woman heard me and came running back to the bathroom, sputtering, "Are you all right? It sounded like you were in pain."

Phffft. Lady, when you sing it sounds like someone's in pain...usually whoever is within ear shot. I was just singing nicely.

She sees I'm perfectly fine, but then she stands there in the doorway and watches me. I'm peeing my freaking brains out, and she's WATCHING me!

Did no one ever teach this woman good manners?

Yeah, sure she wanted to make sure I was "all right." I think she just has this freaky thing about watching me in the box.

Perv.

I'm not sure, but I think the Younger Human isn't being fed enough. He is kind of thin for a People, and tonight he picked me up and tried to take a bite out of my tummy.

It's a good thing I have so much fur, because I didn't even feel his teeth, but he scooped me up and flipped me over and all the sudden that giant head was zooming toward my belly, and he was trying to take a bite!! He also chased me around the house, which was kind of fun, but I think I need to have a talk with the Woman about putting more food out for him. He's obviously starving.

Come to think of it, when the People had dinner tonight, he didn't eat. He sat at the table with them, but they didn't give him any of the chicken or the noodles they were eating. All he has was milk. I don't know why he didn't just take some--he's thin but I think he's faster and stronger than either the Man or the Woman. He could take them.

If they don't feed him tomorrow, I think I'll help him attack at dinner, and we'll take away their food.

I mean, he wouldn't try to nibble on ME if he wasn't really really hungry...right?

I went to visit The Mows today, and Jay has been putting up strips all day that explains what happened to Tigey. The Woman says that's pretty much what happened to The Cat Who Came Before Me--her name was Dusty--but they had Dusty for a whole year after they found out what was wrong with her before she died.

I think it's very kind of Jay to take the time to explain to everyone what happened, and I'm still sending some kitty mojo for him and his family. And I'm happy he still has Indy and Noni, because what would life be for People if they didn't have us cats???

I know I haven't blogged in a week, and I got the computer today with every intent of complaining about WHY I haven't blogged all week. But I first went to my favorite place, The Mows and saw something that made my little heart crack in two.



Complaining seems kind of meaningless right now. Yeah, I know it's a comic strip, but the kitties in it are real. Their People are real people. And it just makes me sad, because I'm going to miss Tigey.

Think good thoughts for Tigey's People. ok?

I sat in a chair at the table tonight and watched the People eat their dinner. I'm not sure, but I think they were eating worms. Long, bloody worms. It was both disgusting and fascinating at the same time. I'm pretty sure the worms were dead because the Woman boiled them first, but still... After they were done she said there wasn't any for me because I wouldn't like it, but was I complaining? Noooo... If I won't eat bugs, what makes her think I'd even entertain the idea of eating a worm???

So, I'm on the big bed, spread out on the fuzzy blanket, taking a bath. I'm cleaning myself...you know, the important parts.

The Woman walks in and says, "Well, that's attractive."

Why yes.
Yes it is.
Thank you for noticing.

When she came out of the bathroom, I was doing it again, and she made some snotty comment, "typical male."

No.
No it's not.
I'd pay good money to see The Man manage that.
I bet he would, too...

People...you're supposed to catch bugs, not eat them. And it seems like a lot of you out there are doing just that, catching teh nearest bug and popping it into your mouth. And when you do that, it makes you unsuitable for feline care, since you spend your time in bed or on the confy chair in the living room, coughing like you're trying to get rid of that bug.

The Woman ate a bug last week, and she's still out of sorts. One of Timothy's People ate a bug, too, which meant he had to keep himself amused (because he is much nicer than me, after all; I tend to pester the Woman no matter how she feels.) Don't People realize that bugs are fun to torture, but they're not so wonderful to munch on?

Evidently not...

Oh, and for the Woman's furthering education:

• Just because I am curled up on top of you while you sleep, that doesn't mean I am snuggling. It means you were lying in the exact spot I wanted to sleep on.


• If, while I'm on you, my head rubs against your chin, I am not nuzzling. It means me head itches.


• My paw rubbing across your face is not "petting my Human." It's just reminding you what I could do if I still had claws, and I am picturing the scars I could leave there...

I need to write another book, I think.

Heh.

The Woman was sitting here at her desk, staring at the monitor (apparently, this is called "working") so I jumped up into her lap to help.

We did a very good job of staring at the monitor, but I wanted her to do something.

Anything.

So I turned around and licked her full on the lips.

Trust me, that got her moving...

People need to make up their freaking minds.

Last night, I heard the Woman say she wanted to get up early today. So, okay, I keep that in mind, and when it started getting light, I started trying to wake her up. Did she appreciate this? Phffft. She kept pushing me away and telling me to be quiet because it was "too early."

Well excuuuuuuse me Miss-I-Want-To-Get-Up-Early. I was just trying to HELP. You could have been more specific about what TIME you consider early enough to be.

And then...the People disappear all day. All Freaking Day. Dinner time came and went, and there were no People to give me my Stinky Goodness. I was very Not Happy, and just about the time I was going to hock up a hairball on the Woman's pillow, the Younger Human came home. I announced to him that it was past time for me to eat, but he went to his room and got on the computer. So I announced again. And again.

Well finally, he got out a thingy he held to his ear to talk to the Woman, whereever she was, to find out what time I eat. And Good Person that HE is, he fed me. And last night he gave me some shrimp.

I like the Younger Human. The other People...they still have so much to learn...

Okay, so the People demonstrated a modicum for appreciating the Feline Wonder of Me yesterday. But you know what the Woman did today? She--and I only know this by smell, it's not like she would confess or anything--went out and had her way with another cat.

She smells like random kitty trash. I think she was petting or playing with one of those rude cats that roam around outside and won't talk to me when I'm sitting in the window.

Does she not understand how utterly offensive this is?

And I haven't even gotten any more shrimp today. Oh, I know there's some in the fridge because I saw it when the Younger Human opened the door, but it's long after dinner and I haven't gotten any. If I don't get some, after having to smell cat on the Woman, I just might have to bite something. Or someone.

It's Feline Appreciation Day!!!

This was as good as Christmas! First thing this morning I got my absolute favorite Stinky Goodness for breakfast, and the Woman promised there would be something special later on.

In the afternoon she went outside for a few minutes and came back, and she had mail for me. It was Squishy Treats and Catnip Tea (yeah! They make it in tea!) from my Auntie Cookie. I thought that was it...that was special enough. I got some of the treats in the afternoon and I rolled around on the bag of catnip tea, getting myself a killer contact high. The Woman says she'll make me the tea later, when she feels better (she has a cold..she sounds like she ate a frog.)

Well. After the People had dinner, they brought out this:




I didn't even get in trouble when I jumped up on the table to investigate.



And then I got to scarf down--on the table!



This was a way cool day.
We have got to do it again!