They brought a tree into the house again. I'm not going to get too excited about it, because I remember what happened last year when they brought a tree home-they got all pissy every time I tried to nibble on it, and then I did something (not sure what) and they took it away. And not in a nice way, either. The Man ripped it limb from limb and shoved the dead pieces into a box, right in front of me. It was horrifying to watch, and ever since then I've wondered what I did so wrong that made them take the tree away.

It doesn't taste as good as I always thought a tree would, but it's fun to hide behind and play with-lots of shiny, dangling things to bat at. Maybe if I'm really good this year, I'll get to keep it.

Or maybe they'll think this tree is prettier than the last one, and want to leave it right where it's at forever.

And perhaps monkeys will come flying out my ass, because we all know the odds of them doing something I want for any length of time.

If I had claws, I could make them leave it. Or leave a lot of their blood on the carpet as a reminder of the effort.

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