I did not have a bug up my ass, nor was I attacking everything in sight, no matter what the Woman claims. I was simply a little over excited tonight; the Younger Human and his Much Better Smelling Friend came over tonight, and that got me going a little bit. Face it, they're young, they know how to play. My People...eh. Well.

Just when things were going really good-there was really good smelling stuff in the air, and yeah, I wanted some. So you know what the Man did? That bastard got out a thing of my treats and walked down the hall into the bedroom with it. He knew I would follow him. He gets me in there and gives me a scant few treats, and then he shut the freaking door! He locked me in the room! I could smell the real live fresh dead meat they were cooking, and I was pretty sure I could smell shrimp.

I swear, if there had been a phone in that room, I would have dialed 911. Or called the Cat Protection Society.

Later, like forever later, he let me out, and there was shrimp! A whole cut up piece of shrimp in a little bowl for me. I would have preferred two or three whole cut up pieces, but I think they ate the rest of them while I was locked up. Pretty freaking selfish, if you ask me. Some of it was in the trash can, for Pete's Sake. What sane person throws away perfectly good shrimp?

So after that, I might have gone a little berserk. And I might have jumped up and nipped at the Man once or twice or ten times, but it's not like I bit him. And I didn't draw blood or anything. I just ran around at top speed, jumping on things and people, and used my teeth a tiny bit. Just a tiny bit.

Hell, they thought it was funny.

Now that the Younger Human has left with his Friend, I've settled down and am going to go take a nap, so that I can sing joyously for the People at 3 a.m. in the bathroom, where my voice will echo for all to enjoy.

Because I'm just wonderful that way.

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They brought a tree into the house again. I'm not going to get too excited about it, because I remember what happened last year when they brought a tree home-they got all pissy every time I tried to nibble on it, and then I did something (not sure what) and they took it away. And not in a nice way, either. The Man ripped it limb from limb and shoved the dead pieces into a box, right in front of me. It was horrifying to watch, and ever since then I've wondered what I did so wrong that made them take the tree away.

It doesn't taste as good as I always thought a tree would, but it's fun to hide behind and play with-lots of shiny, dangling things to bat at. Maybe if I'm really good this year, I'll get to keep it.

Or maybe they'll think this tree is prettier than the last one, and want to leave it right where it's at forever.

And perhaps monkeys will come flying out my ass, because we all know the odds of them doing something I want for any length of time.

If I had claws, I could make them leave it. Or leave a lot of their blood on the carpet as a reminder of the effort.

The People left me alone all freaking day today. After daintily munching my Stinky Goodness this morning, the Younger Human came over, and they all left together. This didn't bother me too much, since it was nap time and I fully intended to nap as deeply as I possibly could, but when I woke up they were still gone.

There was more Stinky Goodness in the kitchen, but no People. So I ate it, bathed, and went back to bed, but when I woke up, still no People.

Dinner time came and went, and still they were not home. If not for the Magical Stinky Goodness Fairy, I would have starved to death before they managed to drag their sorry asses back from where ever they went.

They finally showed up three and a half damned hours after my dinner time-and they smelled like DOG. Not just that, but turkey, too.

I can get over the injustice of them whoring around with some dog for a little while-been there, done that-but they had TURKEY.

WITHOUT ME!

Oh, they offered me more Stinky Goodness and a bite of ham, but I showed them. I only ate the Stinky Goodness, and left the ham on the kitchen floor, so that one of them might step onto it with their bare feet.

I wish I had a hairball brewing, so I could hock it up into someone's brand new shoes.

From listening to conversations around the house, I've been able to pick up a few details about why the People are both always home. The Man is now "retired," though I don't see how, since it's not like he does anything to get tired in the first place. He used to pass gas (I hate to tell the Woman, but he still does) for the Air Force, and did it so long they finally told him to stop.

There have been times I wanted to tell him to stop, too, but I didn't know that was an option.

But, in a couple of weeks, he's going to pass gas for someone else. I didn't know that was allowed, either-I thought he was only really allowed to pass gas for the Woman-but she seems pretty happy about it.

Most importantly, in those discussions I've come to the conclusion that when the Man goes to pass gas for these new people, he will be able to bring home even more and better Stinky Goodness, as well as SHRIMP!

I don't know why he has to wait a couple of weeks. The Woman wants him to start now, but I suppose he has to let it build up before he can pass it.

But, I'm impressed. He passed gas for the Air Force for TWENTY years.

That's a lot of gas.

Some days are just awesome. Today I woke up, and the Man fed me right off the bat, then the Woman got up and made the giant bed up so I could nap on the fuzzy blanket. They went somewhere for a while, and when they came back they brought two people with them.

Now, at first I was a little upset, because no one warned me there would be strange people, but after a bit I realized they smelled familiar. The man they brought looks a lot like the Man, just a little older and quite a bit cuter. They were both nice to me, paid proper homage by petting me a little and then leaving me alone, so they can come back.

Later, when my tummy was growling so hard I thought I was about to turn inside out, and the People kept saying "You have two hours, Max. Dinner isn't for two hours." But then the Woman said, "Phkit, he had the gravy stuff this morning and he's probably starving."

So she fed me!
AND she says I'll get a little more tonight.
Score!

It is so awesome to be me most of the time.
What else could a cat want?
I have trained People!

BEHOLD!!!

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t my best idea, but the Woman was sound asleep, the blankets were shoved aside, and her shirt was kind of crumpled up a bit, exposing her bare tummy.

As I sat there on the bed, wondering how she could possibly be comfortable, it occurred to me that her belly button is about the same size as my nose. Maybe a tad bigger, which means my nose could fit in it. Quite nicely.

And, well, that’s how I wound up flying from the bed to the comfy chair in the corner…

I was watching some commercial on TV and it got me to wondering… What’s so wonderful about thinking outside the box?

I think outside the box.

Sometimes, I poop outside it, too.

It’s still kind of early and the Woman is drinking vodka right from the bottle hard at work on the other computer, writing her next best seller, but I’m bored.

I don’t get bored very often. My days are usually quite full: get the Woman up, eat, use the litterbox, take a nap, get up, look out the window, beg for treats, nap, get up, jump on her lap and nap, wake up, stretch, try to convince her it’s dinner time, use the litterbox, nap, get up, bitch at her because it IS dinner time, eat, nap, bathe, nap, get up, beg for treats, look out the window, nap…

You can see where I just don’t have time to get bored.

But today, I’m a little bored. There’s nothing really to see outside the window, and the Woman is useless when she’s drinking working.

I’d even settle for watching TV, but I can’t get the remote control to work, and the Woman doesn’t seem to understand when I ask her to turn it on for me.

It’s just a sad, sad day.
I suppose I’ll just go nap.

I just wanted to take a minute to say Thank You to all the men and women who, throughout the generations, have served in the military, protecting my rights as a cat, enabling me to be the consumer of cans of Stinky Goodness, instead of being the cans’ contents. ‘Cause, in some places, that can happen, you know.

So, the Woman thinks the odors emanating from my litter box are offensive. Her solution? A couple of big cinnamon scented candles. And you know what it smells like in the bathroom after those have been lit for a couple of hours? Cinnamon scented cat shit. Yep. That’ll help.

Um, yeah, I do think that if I press hard enough with the top of my head, your boobs will invert and create more space for me when I sit on your lap. Deal with it!

What difference does it make if I get up on the counter when you’re making a sandwich or not? You do realize that I get up on the counter all the time, right? And when I get up there, I run my butt alllll over it. Back and forth, up and down…So does it really matter if I jump up while you’re slathering the mustard on a piece of bread? Does it?

Conversation with the Woman:

Me: I’m hungry.
Her:unintelligible mumblings.
Me: Just feed me!
Her:unintelligible mumblings.
Me: Come on, I’m starving.
Her:unintelligible mumblings.
Me: You would stuff your face without a second thought if you were hungry.
Her:unintelligible mumblings.
Me: Please?
Her: Bite me.
Max: Bitch.

We’re back to this stupid time change thing again. People, really, why do you keep screwing around with your clocks? It makes you sleep in late, which in turn means my stomach is growling for an extra hour, and it means I get my dinner later than I should.

Give it up already! Just pick a time and stick with it, and all your kitties will be happy.

Well, happy provided you get your ample behinds out of bed at a reasonable time to open our cans of Stinky Goodness.

Consider the importance of a well fed cat.
And poopless pillows.