Any discussion that begins with “We need to talk about your bathroom habits” is bound to be one sided. Yeah. One sided. I am not going to sit here and listen to the criticisms of the naturally occurring effects of having a digestive system.

Look, people, you try using a litterbox. Give up the big white throne litterbox and use the real one. Let’s see how well you do trying to squat in a little box of sand and have perfect aim. Let’s see how wellyou keep the litter in the box. Go ahead. Try it.

Oh, but first, tape fur to your feet. Then try to get out of the box without leaving a little bit of litter trailing behind you. And let’s not forget the important act of burying your waste—come on, face it. The box is not the biggest thing in the world, the litter gets wet, so yeah, once in a while some is going to fly out and stick to the wall. Deal with it!

Your world is not going to come to an end if you have to sweep stray litter up once in a while, and your fingers will not fall off if you occasionally have to pick up a piece of poop that didn’t quite make it into the box.

And if you try to have this little talk with me again, I’m going to start using the bathtub instead. Let’s see how you like cleaning that up.

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