Not that I’m nosy or anything, but I overheard the Woman talking to that thing she holds to her ear tonight, and she was talking about me.

Now, over time I’ve come to the conclusion that somewhere there’s another Human with another thing held to the ear, and they can hear each other. It just makes sense, in an odd sort of way. Why she can’t just talk to the Man, or even me, instead of someone with another thing pressed against the ear escapes me, but what the hell. They don’t consult me in matters of logic.

Anyway.

She was talking about me. And laughing. Making fun of how I approach my water dish. As if there’s something abnormal about it.

Look, no matter what she says I don’t actually stalk my water. Yeah, sure, sometimes when I’m across the room I crouch down and watch it carefully, and yeah, sure, sometimes my butt wiggles, and yeah, sure sometimes after that I race across the room towards it. But I’m not stalking it. I’m just making sure that there’s no one else around it.

Besides, for all you know there is a good reason to attack the water dish. For all you People can know, there’s things near the dish that have to be dispelled before I can safely take a drink. Remember, I have much better eyesight than you People do. I have a better sense of smell, too, and let’s just say some of you need to lick yourself more thoroughly.

And even if I did stalk my water dish, that’s not really the point. The point is that it’s rude to talk about a cat behind his back, especially if you’re laughing at him. I have good hearing, too. Want me to tell the world what kinds of sounds I hear emanating from you when you think no one else is around?

I also heard the Woman saying she was going to pick me up and squeeze me. She so is not going to do that. I may not have my claws anymore, but I still have teeth. People would do well to remember that.

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