People have odd traditions. You’d never find a bunch of cats throwing costumes on and going door to door, begging for treats they’re normally not allowed to have. It was sad, really, to see all these small humans posturing their imagined cuteness for candy that neither smells bad enough to be good nor reeks enough to get them high.

Amateurs.

Cats never beg. We demand. And we usually get what we want.

Take tonight, for instance. My people were sitting outside with the neighbors and their small, sticky male offspring. I was hungry—it was only half an hour until dinner time, and my stomach was rumbling loudly—so every time one of them came into the house for one thing or another, I hollered at them.

And what do you know, after my incessant demands (and some forced cuteness; I don’t mind the small sticky person so much, and I’ll humor him by letting him wave at me through the screen, which seems to make them all happy) the Woman ran inside—yes, she ran—to fill my plate with some nice Trout Fancy Feast.

Begging doesn’t work.

But demanding, in a tone that says “this is my right, and you are my servant” invariably does.

Humans are so gullible.

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