Guys. GUYS! This HAS to happen!!!

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/30/2014 09:29:00 PM

3

I know I've asked you guys to donate to stuff before, but this time, I am BEGGING. Ok, so you know the Younger Human gets up on a stage in front of people a lot and tells lies to entertain them? It's like TV, but right there in front of people. And people really seem to love it.

Well, right now he's the president of the board of directors of Solano Repertory Theatre Company, and they are currently without a home theater, but they have a play to put on and to do it they have to rent the space. They're doing One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and there are a bunch of expenses involved aside from the rent.

So what they're going is an Indie GoGo fundraiser...any donation, big or small, will go a long way but this is what has to make this happen:

THE YOUNGER HUMAN WILL PUT ON A DRESS AND SING I FEEL PRETTY IN PUBLIC FOR EVERY $1000 RAISED.

OhMyCod OhMyCod OhMyCod the world needs to see this.


PleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePleasePlease help.

I may wet myself with joy just thinking about it.

Ha.

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/28/2014 12:26:00 PM

16


Well, clearly I can't take on the skwirrel, so I'mma gon' slap you instead...

Hey, did you win chit?

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/26/2014 08:44:00 PM

1

The Woman just drew the numbers for people who won prizes from her walk-thingy.

I know a lot of her donors were buds of mine.

Did you win?



I love this picture of me

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/25/2014 10:39:00 PM

11

I'm on the back of the Woman's chair here, looking at a picture of the Grate Jeter Harris Hizself that his Mom posted on FB.


Now, it was a stunning picture of Jeter's beautiful face, but I think the Woman captured a nice picture of me, too.

Sometimes we work this way. I relax on the back of the chair and tell her what thinks I need her to write down for me. I've been trying to dictat to her in a setting she finds equally relaxing, but for some reason she's getting upset that I'm telling her all my great ideas at 5 in the morning.

There's no winning with that Woman sometimes.

Thank Bast...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/20/2014 02:50:00 PM

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I still don't know why, but the Woman got this brilliant idea to say that if she hit her minimum fundraising goal by 8 pm last night, she would put on clothes that are indecently tight and then let the Man video record her singing.

This was to no one's benefit, especially mine, as she realized she probably needed to see if she even can sing.

No. No, she cannot.

Last night 8 pm rolled around and she did not hit her minimum goal. It was close--just $270 shy of it--but doods I have never been so happy for a charity thing to fall short. Maybe now she'll stop singing altogether and I won't have to listen to that awful noise anymore.

Still, she needs to raise a few more dollars. And she has prizes. Anyone who donates before 8 pm next Friday (Pacific time) has a chance to win some fun stuff.

There's this thingy, which a person can wear on their wrist. It keeps track of the time, the steps they take, calories burned, plus it can connect to a smart phone using Bluetooth, so it'll buzz when a call or text comes in.

For some reason, I dunno why, people can also wear it in bed and the next morning it'll tell them they went to sleep.

Yeah, well...duh.

And she's holding the box between her feet in the picture, but I'm pretty sure she didn't foul it with her feet stink. I won't swear to it.

There's also this, and it's really spiffy. It's a table computer thingy and you can do a farkton of stuff on it. It's an Android tablet, which might--I'm not sure--mean that it'll function like that Data dood on Star Trek. Or maybe you can just watch You Tube videos and surf Facebook, but that's still pretty cool.

The Woman says there will be a few other smaller prizes, but these are the main ones. Every $5 you donate gets you a shot at winning, and if you already donated, you're good. You're entered.

I gotta tell you guys, you're really awesome. She went from not having any donations to be so very, very close in just a week, and you guys are the ones who got her there.

Thank you. It warms my black, furry heart.

I had to, guys...I just had to...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/18/2014 10:43:00 PM

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While I was waiting PATIENTLY for my dinner, the Woman sat at her desk, supposedly doing things with her checkbook and bank account, and ripping a CD to her iTunes, when this...NOISE...came from her.

It was awful.

It hurt my ears.

It OFFENDED me.

So I jumped on her desk and did what any respectable cat would do when faced with this disturbing noise. I head-butted her right in the face.

Oh, she was all Damn, dood, I was only humming, but that didn't change the horribleness of it.

Guys. You know what humming is?

IT'S SINGING WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.

I think next time I'm going to have to asterisk-butt her in the face. That should stop it for good.

Aw, man, Mao...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/16/2014 10:21:00 AM

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...who's gonna fill in for me on Ask Max Monday when I need a day off? No one else can do it like you do. No one else gets it the way you do.


Give Skeezix and the rest of our buds headbutts for me...and that's the only thing making me not leak like crazy--you're with Skeezix again, and that must make him 739 kinds of happy.

Fark it, I lied. I'm leaking.

I'll see you on the flipside, dood.

Oh Bast...help me...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/12/2014 09:51:00 PM

5

She's singing.

The Woman is singing.

She's been torturing me with this for the last hour or so, and my head hurts. I've tried making her stop by yelling above the decibels of her wailing, I've jumped on her desk and stuck my face in hers and said sternly, "STOP!" and I've even head-butted her face.

Years ago, she did the same thing. She sat at her desk with music playing way too loud, and she tried to sing along with it. A few times I put my paws over her lips to stop her, but really the only thing that finally worked was the Man going to pass gas at night. That meant she had to be quiet during the day, when she normally blared awful music and howled along with it.

Tonight instead of watching TV, she sat at her desk, turned the music on, and began torturing me.

I kind of wonder if it has something to do with her own blog today. She's trying to get people to give boobie money, and for some horrible, awful, misguided reason she seems to think they'll donate if she promises to sing for them.

No one wins with that.

Plus, she says when she does she's going to wear one of these outfits:


Holy fructose, doods, that's going to be 397 kinds of wrong.

On the other hand, if she raises the money and sings one stupid song while dressed like one of those club-hoppers from Who Let The Dogs Out and people SEE and HEAR that chit, maybe she'll learn a harsh lesson and never sing again.

Oh, I can only hope.

Here's the deal: if she can raise just under $1000 by September 19 at 8 pm California time, she'll put the eye gouging spandex on, sing a song and video record it, and then put it online where everyone can point and laugh.

Oh! And if she hits that goal by then, she's going to fund DKM's walk, so there's that. That's a total win.

Please help me stop the singing. Your donations are tax deductible. Plus...there may be a prize or two coming; no promises but we always give stuff away so I don't see this year being any different.

My poor, bleeding ears...

What you missed by not being on Facebook...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/10/2014 12:16:00 PM

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...cuz I know not everyone plays there...


On Saturday I watched Doctor Who, because that's what we do on Saturdays because IT'S DOCTOR WHO!


And then 3 hours later, we watched it again, because IT'S DOCTOR WHO. Sunday I needed to share this because sometimes I am immature, and so is the Woman:

We watched Doctor Who a second time last night and it was still weird but we still liked it and thought it was funny, especially when the Woman was all DID THE DOCTOR JUST FLIP OFF ROBIN HOOD??? And then she got online and other people saw it too and even got a picture of it. Doods, I totally less than 3 this Doctor...

And because the Woman is like 12 years old deep down, she shared the picture she found with everyone.

YOUNG KITTIES, THE FOLLOWING IS RUDE SO CLOSE YOUR EYES!


Ok, you can open your eyes now. 

And yesterday I shared a random think:

In general, I don't like the Peoples' rumbly bikes because they're loud and they take the People away for hours at a time, but I must say, when they come home they smell like outside things and I enjoy making the Woman uncomfortable by sniffing her for a good 15 minutes or so.

She really does smell of interesting outside things whens he comes home. Her legs especially smell like wind and sunshine and dead bugs and I think a little bit of scaredy-cat, probably because as she's zooming around on her rumbly bike she screams things like OMG I'M GOING TO DIE and GET YOUR FRAKKING CAR OFF MY BUMPER as well as a bunch of things off the Bad Word List.

Still, she likes it...and I do enjoy sniffing her until she tells me it's getting a little weird. And then I sniff for a few more minutes, because half the fun in doing it is weirding her out.

Oh, Man, it was golden...

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/07/2014 08:08:00 PM

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First, you have to see the picture.



This is the fake fireplace. No one ever uses it because it's fake. Plus, it's in the front room and I'm about the only one who spends any time in there.

Buddah likes being on top of the fake fireplace. This is important.

#1 - where Buddah was.
#2 - where Buddah wanted to be; there's a ledge where that blue line is.
#3 - where Buddah wound up.

Yep.

He tried to jump from the fake fireplace to the ledge (he's done it a bajillion times before) but he didn't get enough lift or butt-spring or something, and he wound up in the water fountain.

No worries. The only thing injured was his dignity.

He didn't get just a little wet; his whole right side was soaked. He ran from the fountain, into the living room and then into the dining area and jumped on the table and stood there like he didn't know what to do.

At first the people were, "Oh, Buddah missed his jump" but then they saw all the water dripping off him and they were all "Oh, poor baby," and the Woman picked him up (which he allowed, most of the time he doesn't) and cuddled his wet sloppy self until the Man came in with a towel and tried to dry him off.

He let that happen, too.

When they set him on the counter and he started to slip because his paws were still wet, he let the Man pick him up so the Woman could dry his feet off.

That would normally never happen without blood coming out of one or both people.

Doods...I have to be honest. I watched this all happen and deep down, I was laughing.

BECAUSE BUDDAH LANDED IN THE FOUNTAIN AND GOT ALL WET!!!

Bonus: to distract him from his embarrassment (and he really was embarrassed), the Woman opened a can for us 15 minutes early.

AND I heard her ask the Man to build him another platform scratching post, so he would have an easier time going from the fake fireplace to the ledge.

It's kind of a disparity where cat things are concerned because he has WAY more than I do, but what the hell. It got us dinner early, and I bet it gets us treats when the Man actually makes it and brings it inside.

I think Buddah is still embarrassed, though, because he's curled up on top of his scratching post the Man made him a few years ago, and he never sleeps there.

No worries, I'll work on the Woman for a treat or two in a little bit. Maybe that'll help.

Doods! It's so simple!

Posted by Max | Posted on 9/04/2014 02:55:00 PM

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We just have to get our people to eat at their desks! And if you let them see this, don't worry. They won't think "Oh, kitty will steal my food." They'll only think, "Man...I want pizza."