Ohhhhhh...I have found perfection!
First you get into the kitty crack.
Then you get on the kitchen table.
Find a Cheeto that a person left.
Oh man there is nothing better than a Cheeto! Especially if you're nipped out! I was gnawing on that thing and the Woman walked up and first asked what I was eating and then when she saw it she said "I really should take that away from you but you're almost done anyway..." So she let me eat it all!
Oh man! It was crunchy! It was cheesy! IT WAS CRUNCHY CHEESY GOODNESS!!!
I have to plot a way to get someone to drop one on the floor now.
Ohhhhhh...I have found perfection!
The Woman was sitting outside, looking at a magazine, and I was inside, right by the screen door, enjoying the nice breeze. I noticed something was flying right behind her head, so I said "Hey, there's something behind your head."
She glanced at me and said, "It's not time to eat, max."
Well, duh, I knew that. And then I heard it buzzing and knew what it was, and those buzzing thingies can make her sick so I said, "Hey! It's a bee!"
"No, Max, not right now."
"It's a bee dangit!"
She sighed and set her magazine aside and said, "Surely you don't want to come out. You don't like it outside."
"No I don't want outside. I don't want the person who feeds me to die because of a buzzy thing!"
"You have an hour and a half until dinner."
"Bee. Bee. Bee. Bee. Can I say it any clearer?"
"What? You want me to come inside? Is that it?"
"No! There's. A. Bee. By. Your. Head!"
She stood up and as she turned around she saw it, and then scrambled to get inside where it's safe.
And then she had the nerve to say, "Well why didn't you tell me there was a bee so close?"
I hate people. I really do.
I was not hugging the Woman's feet at 6:15 this morning, no matter what she thinks.
I was holding them hostage.
Last night, the Woman did not give us our before-bed snack. Not at all. She went to bed without opening up any Stinky Goodness for us. Worsde, it didn't occur to her until after we'd had dinner tonight, when she found the half a can I was supposed to get on top of the refrigerator.
I am going to poop on her pillow. When her head is still on it. I swear!
All right now.
Yesterday was going really well; I had breakfast, took two naps, pushed and shived Buddah around and was getting ready for another nap when the Woman grabbed me and shoved a chunk down my throat. This didn't taste nearly as bad as the other chunks, so I didn't fight it. Plus, she said it would make me feel all happy and chit.
And it did.
But then they shoved me in that danged plastic tomb and took me to the stabby place. Oh, they were laughing about how I was all happy and chit and I wouldn't do anything bad to the bald guy, but I showed them. I was nice for about a minute and a half, but then the bald guy took a step back and said "He's ramping up on me."
Well, hell yes I was! I was ramping up to start a biting and pooping spree! So what did he do? He threw a towel over me and took me into another room where he stabbed me!
After that....I dunno. I don't really remember the rest of the day. They took me to the stabby place and I freaking lost a day!
I showed my appreciation for the whole thing by dropping all 15 pounds of my wonderful body right on top of the Woman's face at 5:30 this morning. She thought I was saying "Good morning, now pet me," but that wasn't it.
I only had one thing to say to her.
Give me back my freaking day!!!
All right. The Woman didn't like it when I was all growly and snarky yesterday, so I figured I'd be nice to her and do the cuddly thing.
Did she appreciate it?
Here I was, curled up on her, my head on her shoulder, purring away like a kitten who's just discovered premium Stinky Goodness--she was petting me--and she mutters, "Couldn't you have picked a better time for this?"
Well...no. I picked a time when she was flat on her back, in a really good position for stretching out on top of her, getting my head right where she could give me skritches...It's not my fault that the best time to do that is 4:30 in the morning.
If she wants a better time, she should take naps.
Word up, Peoples.
If I want to growl at everyone and everything, I will. There's not a whole lot you can do to stop me, no matter how many times you tell me to knock it off.
If Buddah looks at me, I can growl.
If you touch the top of my head, I can growl.
If I don't like the way the wind is blowing the leaves on that bush in the back yard, I can growl.
I like growling. Don't much care if you don't like me liking it. If you don't want to hear it, go in the other room.
If I'd known how much power there is in growling, I'd have done it years ago!
Just for jollies, I sat there on the bed this morning, and watched the Woman's nose break and ooze all over the place. It was gross and kind of fascinating at the same time. I was waiting for her brains to get loose, but she woke up, said a few unrepeatable words, and went into the bathroom, where I presume she stuffed all that gunk back into her face.
Now, I was thinking this would be a good time to just go downstairs and feed the kitties, but noooo...she went back to bed. So what if it was 6:45? Other people get up at 6:45. Normal people get up then, I'm sure. I ave to have backwards people; the Man goes out and spends the entire night passing gas and then sleeps the day away, and the Woman stays up late and sleeps longer than someone who needs to feed the kitties should.
In fact, the only normal person here is the Younger Human. He gets up, goes to work, and comes home at a respectable hour. Then he goes out anjd sees his friends. But he doesn't have to be normal because it's not his job to feed the kitties! So why can't the Man be more like him? Pass gas all day long, but feed the kitties! Why can't the Woman go to bed at a normal hour and get up to feed us?
Really, I bet her nose would fix itself if she started being normal.
You know, you try to be nice to people, but does it get you anywhere?
Around 3 this morning the Woman was making some really strange noises with her nose while she was sleeping, so being the NICE KITTY that I am, I jumped up on the bed next to her head, and said, "Wake up. Your nose is broken."
She stirred and reached a hand up to pet me, but that wasn't why I was there. So I said again, "Hey. Your nose is broken."
She rolled over, so I stomped over the back of her pillow and said one more time, "Your nose is broken. Get up and fix it!"
Finally, she opened her eyes and said, "It's not time to eat."
No. Really? It's three in the freaking morning, I know it's not time to eat!
And then Ms. Genius muttered "Damn, my sinuses are packed."
Well, yeah, Woman, that's why I woke you up. So you could get up and fix the dang thing before something popped and flooded your brains out through your nostrils.
But did she get up to fix it? No, she just sniffed really hard and complained about how gurgly her head felt, and she closed her eyes!
If her nose is broken again tonight, I'm not going to do a freaking thing to help her. Let her brains squirt out her nose. It's not like we'd notice the difference anyway.
Why was I knocking Buddah's skinny little butt all over the place?
Because I can.
Why was there no growling and howling?
Because the little dip likes it.
Why was I doing this immediately after the Younger Human was playing with me a little rough?
Just because, sheesh. Like I need to assert my dominance over Buddah. There's no ego involved here. I just wanted to beat Buddah up, that's all. You should ponder more on why he enjoys it so much...
It's The PsychoKitty Caption Game!
Just think of a caption, and submit it in the comments.
If the first kitty playing assigns a name to the kitty in the picture, then that's the name everyone has to use!
I don't care if it was 5:30 in the freaking morning.
I don't care if I was annoying you.
I don't care if me saying "meow" every 1.6 seconds made you hate the sound of my voice.
You eventually got up and fed me, and that is what matters.
Sssshhhhh...I think they forgot!
Cripes. I overheard the People saying that they need to make me an appointment at the stabby place because it's time for a physical and time to get stabbed again.
You know what that means, right?
Aside from getting stabbed--and they're going to do it more than once so they can steal more of my blood--the bald guy is going to shove that thing up my butt.
Or he'll try to.
I've been growling a lot lately, and I've got it down so well that it freaks people out. And Buddah, too. It finally occured to me that growling is an easy way to get Buddah to take "No, I don't want to play" seriously, and it makes the People think twice about shoving those chunks down my throat. So I figure a really good growl will make him put the butt-stick thingy down and back away.
Or maybe the People will forget... it's been nice and sunny out and they've been going places in the topless car, so maybe they'll be so caught up in that that they'll forget about getting me stabbed.
It's the time I hate the most. When the People spends days on end shoving chunks down my throat. They keep saying it's medicine, but I felt FINE before they started and after a few days those chunks make my tummy a little upset. The only good thing about it is that one of our litterboxes is in the Woman's office, and I can foul it like nobody's business once those chunks start to work on me.
This morning the Man thought he'd be clever and he squooshed the chunk up and hid it in my food, so I ate around those parts. 'Course that meant I only ate half my food and was seriously hungry until dinner time, but I stood my ground, and I won! The Woman gave us dinenr early and she gave me more than usual to make up for what I didn't eat this morning. She thinks she can make me take it later, but well see. I've perfected growling and hissing when I'm annoyed, and I think it scares them a little!
Its all about power. And I have tons of it.
Stupid People Part 3,452,219
All right. I'm lying there in the bed by the Woman's desk. She looks down and see my collar on the bed right next to me. And in an inspired moment she asks, "did you take your collar off?"
Doesn't she realize those things just fall off all by themselves if you wish hard enough?
In any case, she rubbed my neck and said I could leave it off until later tonight. So evidently she's intelligent and a bit gullible...
Why, yes, that was me that hocked up the hairball all over the nearly white carpet. Looks spiffier that way, eh?
People, sheesh...they ask the dumbest questions...
Tell me, what could possibly be better than sunspots streaming in through the windows AND cool air coming out of the cold air blowing thingies?
Besides Stinky Goodness.
Today, life is good.
I'd like to blame the Woman for my non-blogging weekend, but the truth is, I just didn't have anything to say. Amazing, eh? And I'm not even sick, I just felt quiet! Buddah hasn't blogged either, but mostly because he's too busy chasing sun spots around the house and being a general annoyance. It must be hard work being a crack head.
A couple times I thought I might have something to say, but by the time she came back to open the laptop for me, I was ready for a nap. Supposedly she's been cleaning out the garage but I peeked in there when she had the door open, and let me tell you, she's doing a really craptacular job. It looks like all the boxes they had lining walls up and puked all over the place. There's no way she's getting a car in there anytime soon.
The People want to clear out all the stuff they don't need anymore and then put in a work bench for the Man. I'm kinda laughing over that one, like either of them will actually WORK enough to need a bench for it. I think the real truth is that the Man is learning to make beer, and they need space to put a frigerator out there so he can store all his beer.
Buddah licked the top of a beer bottle and says now he likes beer. Maybe they'll share with him. I don't think I want any.