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I don't know which is sadder: the fact that the sight of a broom freaked Buddah out, or the fact that it's been so long since the Woman actually used a broom that he just didn't know what it was...

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Cripes, we're back to the chunks again. Twice a day, every freaking day, they're going to shove those chunks down my throat and expect me to be happy about it. No, I am not happy! The chunks are horrible. Their nasty fingers in my mouth are horrible. And you know, I really don't believe it's medicine. I think they're doing it because they like to make me miserable.

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I wish the People would make up their minds. First they say they want Buddah and I to pay together. Then when we do it's all, "Stop that. No biting. Get off him! Quit licking his butt!"

Well, ok, I agree with that last thing. I don't like it when Buddah gets all up in my business like that.

But we're playing just like they want. We run up and down the stairs and we chase each other and wrestle, and we play Tag You're It and sometimes I have to meow really loud to tell Buddah to come out from where ever he is because I'll play with him.

So what if it's 2 a.m.? Go back to sleep, People, we didn't ask YOU to play. We just want to run around like little freaks when there's no one else around. Is that too much to ask? If we're too loud, close your door!

But if you'd get up, we'd apreciate it if you'd go downstairs and get us some crunchy treats. Running around like that gives a kitty the munchies...

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If you don't want me to push Buddah down the stairs, then tell Buddah not to sit where the temptation is just too overwhemling. Oh, and by the same logic, if you don't want Buddah to play in your litterbox, close the lid...

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The Man was making awful noises in his sleep last night, and he snored louder than the sound of the trains that went by at night, so I decided we'd wake the Woman up this morning to feed us. And she was NOT happy about it.

First thing she said to me: "Dammit, Max, it's five-twenty! Go away!"

I didn't care what time it was. I was very very very very hungry, and I wanted her to get up and feed me. Buddah was hungry, too, but I think he's afraid to wake the People up. I don't think he's figured out that they won't do any of the things they threaten to. I really think he believes that if he annoys her too much, she'll string him from the mini-blinds by his tail.

I went away for a while, anyway. But at six-thirty, and I know it was six-thirty because she made a point of saying so as she shoved me off the bed, I started again. And I used my most obnoxious voice, telling her over and over to get up. Getupgetupgetupgetupgetup.

Victory was mine at seven o'clock. I know it was seven because she made a point of telling me that. "All right you little freak, it's seven, I'll feed you now."

Did I mention I was really hungry?

She opened one can and was prying the top off the other when I decided I just couldn't wait, so I jumped on the counter and tried to eat right then and there.

Have I ever mentioned she is not a morning person?

She grabbed me and very rudely deposited me onto the floor, grumbling something about pigs and waiting. Then she took her own sweet time about getting that second can open. It took so long that Buddah started crying. He was saying "Mommmmmmm... I am dying!" but all she heard was "meowmeowblahblahblah."

Buddah freaking INHALED his food. He sucked that 3 ounces down so hard and fast that I'm surprised we didn't all get sucked down right with it. And I think he wanted more, but the Woman was only half awake and not paying much attention to his forlorn little face staring down at his too quickly emptied plate.

She was still grumbling when she went back upstairs. I don't know what her problem is. It's not like she didn't get to go right back to bed. And it's not our fault she was still awake at three o'clock this morning. Ok, it is my fault for trying to sucker her into getting up at five-twenty, but I was HUNGRY. Does she care? No, she says being hungry means I'm probably burning off body fat.

Yeah, well Buddah was hungry, too, and she doesn't want him to burn off body fat. Did you know he gets MORE Stinky Goodness than I do? Now THAT'S not fair.

I think I'll wake her tomorrow morning, too. She's just so much fun to annoy.

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Well now.

I decided to try the new toy one more time--and instead of sticking my head straight in, I turned a little bit, and was able to get all the way in, turn around, and curl up. I freaking fit!

So...now I'll never play with it again. 'Cause I fit and that's all that matters.

The Woman saw but couldn't get her camera, so now she's all "Oh you never sit still for me when I want to take a picture." Cripes, I let her take my picture yesterday, what more does she want???

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It's coming soon...

You'll want it, you know you will...

It's got all the journal entries that didn't get put in my blog. It's got haiku. AND...it's got answers to all the questions posed by the curious and wise kitties of the blogosphere. Questions such as "If lemonade comes from lemons and orangeade comes from oranges, where does Gatorade come from?"

You might be mentioned in it.

Really, your life will not be complete without your very own copy of Something Of Yours Will Meet A Toothy Death.

The Woman will get a proof copy sometime next week, and if it looks good, she'll make a "pre-publication" copy available. That just means that all you guys get a chance to get it before it actually goes into distribution and for sale at places like Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

And there's this:



We get a new toy, and AGAIN...I'm too big to get in it. It's not even my weight, it's my height! This is so not fair.

Buddah will have more pictures on his blog later, if I ever let him have the computer.



I want something fun!
Oh, and all the kitty crack on the floor...Buddah did it.

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It was still dark outside when the thingy in the ceiling went =chirp=

Usually when it goes off it's light outside and it's all =chirpchirpchirpchirpchirp= before someone stops it, and that means it's time for the People to eat.

But it went =chirp= once and then was quiet for a while, so I thought it was a mistake. But then it went =chirp= again, and a minute later it went =chirp= yet again, so I thought maybe breakfast was coming early. The Woman got out of bed and said a whole bunch of bad words and got a step stool out, and she made the thingy in the cieling shut up...but she was up and by the time she got the thingy to shut up it was light out, so that means it's time for the kitties to eat.

But would she feed us?

Nooooo...she sat down in the living room and read the comics in the newspaper and said "It's still an hour before it's time for you to eat."

Well. The chirpy thingy said it was time for someone to eat, so it might as well be the kitties. So I said over and over "We're hungry," until she finally caved in and opened the cans for us. When the Man came home she told him I started yapping at her at 6 o'clock and wasn't quiet for even 5 seconds until she fed us at 7 o'clock.

Whatever.

I won, that's all that matters.

She must have really hurt the thingy in the ceiling, though, because it didn't go =chirpchirpchirpchirpchirp= before they had dinner tonight.

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I should have known it was going to be a dark and depressing day right from the start. The Woman dragged herself up this morning to offer her services as our can opener, which was fine because I don't care who gets the food as long as someone gets it, but she didn't let me finish eating! Buddah sucked his food down so fast I'm surprised he didn't choke, but I was taking my time, enjoying every bite. But was that good enough?

Phfft.

Just because I kept standing up and backing away from the plate, she decided I was full and took the plate away because I "obviously wasn't hungry enough to eat it all." I kept coming back, didn't I? I obviously wanted to finish it. So what if I was taking my time? So what if I had to take a couple of breaks?

The day just got worse. There are no sunspots to nap in today. It's all wet and gloomy looking outside, and I don't even see any of the rude kitties wandering around in the back yard. The only good thing is that there's warm air coming out of the air blowing thingies, so we can at least curl up near one of those. I have beds placed strategically under a couple of them, and Buddah has discovered some near high places that he can get to.

Well, I could get to them, too, but why bother when I have comfy beds to curl up in?

Ok, fine, one of those beds is technically Buddah's, but it's not like he ever sleeps in it.

And right now...well right now I am very hungry, but the Woman keeps saying "it's not time. Not right now." I bet if she were hungry, those thumbs would be working furiously to open up people food.

Sheesh, even Buddah is hungry. She's making him wait, too. Isn't that, like, cruelty, making the baby wait...?

Ok, fine, he's not a baby anymore. But when food is involved, he's the baby, and I'll use it any time I think it might get me something.

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Haiku! ..... Gesundheit

Timothy Dickens
Loves his after dinner mint
A cat in repose



=snicker=

I've been into the kitty crack tonight AND I'm writing some cat haiku.

Do this: pick a kitty blog you read.
Write a haiku about the kitty or the blog.
Post it!

There's gonna be lots of kitty haiku in my next book!



added much later:
:::laughing wildly:::
Found in a disk that the Woman had lying around: some of my kitten pictures!
Yes, I was always beautiful!


click to biggify

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Valentine's Day Cuteness Overload, Mostly For The People



clicky to see bigger pix

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Ohhhhhhhhh...

I got a card today from Oreo, and it had KITTY CRACK in it. All loose and stuff so the Woman laid the card on the floor for me and let me freaking eat it! The car, not the kitty crack. Though I coulda eaten the card after a bit, or at least licked a hole in it. I even let Buddah have some. We made a mess and some of it is still on the floor, but the Woman didn't clean it up, she left it there in case we want to go back.

But man. Dude. I feel really good right now. My whole world is leaning 6.75 inches to the left. And I'm not even all that liberal. I don't think. Anyone got any chips? Or crunchy treats? Or ice cream? I'll eat anything right now...

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Even Buddah is feeling the cut back in food. After we ate he looked up at the Woman and asked for more and she said "Sorry kiddo, but that's it."

Buddah was all surprised and squeaked, "But I'm a baby! I need more food!"

And she was so unimpressed that she said, "Sweetykins, you gained a whole pound last week. You weigh 12 pounds now. You're not tall enough to weigh more than that. Next month you'll be a whole year old and you'll be an adult cat."

Buddah slinked off muttering, "But I'm still a baby now and I'm hungry!"

I'm not gonna tell him I heard her tell the man that they'll weigh us both a lot and if he loses even a tiny bt they'll have to give him more food. I think for now I'll let him worry about it. If I have to suffer, everyone should have to suffer.

And believe me, I'm making them ALL pay for my rumbling tummy.

Oh, and I got tagged by William.
1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

She locked me in the freaking closet!

Figures, that would be it.

I'm not tagging anyone, though, 'cause I think just about all the kitties have been already!

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I don't know what the People think they're up to, but today they did not give me as much Stinky Goodness as they have been. I thought I was doing what they wanted, eating until I wasn't hungry and then walking away from the plate! But nooooo...they were setting me up. They wanted me to like getting so much Stinky Goodness, only so they could start taking some of it away!

The Woman said "You actually gained weight, Max, we have to cut back."
The Man said, "Blame her, it wasn't my idea."

They can both kiss my shiny black and white furry butt.

To make things worse, they had a nice smelling dinner and they didn't share it! We got the old, tired flames shooting out the ass line, but the truth is, they're just mean.

I'm hungry and I'm ticked off and I want my the rest of my freaking Stinky Goodness!

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Today so far is an awesome day. I woke up this morning to the sound of giant human feet padding their way towards the bathroom, long before I felt like I needed to sit in the halway and remind the People there are starving kitties living here. The Woman was up (though she didn't look like she was awake) so I followed her into the bathroom to make sure she wasn't planning on going back to bed. She plodded down the stairs and fed us, and then went back to bed, which I didn't care about because I was full and happy.

And then it got really sunny out--there are sunspots all over the freaking place downstairs! It's like a sunspot party, just about every window down there has it streaming in, making super warm places to lounge in. And there's kitty crack all over the freaking place too, thanks to Buddah ripping open a couple of toys. So we can roll in the kitty crack, then nap in the sun.

Later on, the Woman cleaned out our litter box.

What more does a cat need? Good food, sun, crack, and a clean place to poop. The only bad thing is that this day has been so good so far, it can only go downhill.

Maybe we'll get lucky and this will be the day the People don't do anything stupid.

Well...I can hope.

For those who don't yet know where the Rainbow Bridge is:



Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.

There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.

There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

~Author unknown~


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This is Dusty.

The Cat Who Came Before Me

Today is the 5th anniversary of the day she went to the Rainbow Bridge. That's just 4 months before I was born. She had something wrong with her heart; part of it got to be 5 times the size it was supposed to be, and it had a hard time getting blood through it. The person at the stabby place said she was probably born that way and that they were really kind of lucky, because most kitties born that way don't live to be 6 years old, and Dusty lived to be 13.

They found out about her heart over a year before, and the guy at the stabby place gave them medicine that made her life very comfortable for all that time. It was only the last day that she was miserable, and when the People took her to see him, even though they hoped he would make her feel better, deep down they knew she wasn't coming home.

The guy at the stabby place took pictures of her insides and looked at them, and said her chest was filled with fluid; he could give her something in an IV that would help push the fluid out, but... He had tears in his eyes and the People knew. It was time to let her go to the Bridge, where she could run again, and play with the other pets while she waited for them to get there. They asked him to give her a shot that would make her go to sleep, then let her slip away to the Bridge.

Dusty had put up with tons of shots over the year. She tolerated them shoving a lot of pills down her throat every day, she had blood taken out of her body and pee sucked out of her bladder every month, pictures take of her insides a lot, and she even had a few ultrasounds of her heart and her kidneys. She put up with it all without much fuss. But that day, when the stabby guy was going to give her that shot, she decided enough was enough. She was NOT letting anyone stab her again. Not ever.

She reared back and hissed at him, and started to fight as hard as she could. And with one more big hiss, like someone snapped their fingers, she ran off to the Bridge all by herself. They were sad, but they were proud of her for going on her terms, not theirs. Before she got sick she was a feisty kitty, and she left just as feisty.

The People still miss her, I think. And they miss Hank the dog, too. But the Woman has been thinking about Dusty a lot lately, mostly because so many kitties from the blogosphere have gone to the Rainbow Bridge in the last year, and a lot of them looked kind of like Dusty.

After Dusty was gone, the Woman didn't want another cat. She missed Dusty too much and thought it hurt too much to lose a pet; she also knew Hank was getting older and dreaded him going off to the Bridge.

While she was missing Dusty, I was being born.

My first People were very young and didn't have me for very long when they realized they couldn't take care of me. They were friends of the Younger Human, and when he told the People about me, they mulled it over for a very short time and then told him he could bring me home.

The second she saw me, the Woman was totally in love with me, and I have owned her ever since.

Hank went to the Bridge two years later, when we were in Ohio. The People were very sad, but they knew they had done everything they could for him--heck, the Woman even cooked for him when his own food was gross to him--and they knew that Dusty was already at the Rainbow Bridge, waiting to take care of him. That made it a little easier, I think. And made the Woman realize that she could survive her pets going to the Bridge before her,and her heart had room for more.

Someday Hank will be waiting for me, and he'll introduce me to Dusty, and because I know she was a super snarky kitty, I already know I'll like her. And we'll wait for Buddah, and any Cats That Come After Him.

And when the People get there, we'll all be there. Even Ataturk, the Cat Who Came Before the Cat Who Came Before Me.

The Woman misses Dusty, especially today. But it will be all right, because some day she'll see Dusty again. And Hank. And Ataturk. And me and Buddah, if we go there first. She knows that now, as sure as she knows that I will push Buddah down the stairs every chance I get, and that I will start bugging her for dinner over an hour early.

Dusty would be proud.

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Ok, I never thought I'd see the day...

I had a whole can of Stinky Goodness in front of me, and I couldn't finish it. Twice!

I'm not sick or anything, I just ate and ate and ate and then I wasn't hungry anymore, so I did the unthinkable. I walked way from perfectly good Stinky Goodness. At breakfast there was just a little bit left so Buddah scarfed it down, but at dinner I left half of it, and the Woman thought that was too much for him with what he already had.

We still get a snack later. Not a whole can, so maybe I'll eat it all. Or maybe not. With just getting Stinky Goodness, I don't feel hungry all the time.

The Woman mentioned something about brushing my teeth. Eh, I don't think so. And if she thinks she can get Buddah to hold still for it...I'll have to convince someone to take pictures of the bloody aftermath.

But man. =burp= It's nice to not be hungry!

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I know the crunchy food is around here somewhere, because it was in a bunch of see-through thingies that clicked shut at the top so that we couldn't get into them, and they weren't empty when the People took the crunchy food away.

Now, I am loving getting all this Stinky Goodness, but it would be nice to have a little bit of something crunchy to nibble on. And since I know that stuff is around here somewhere, I am determined to find it.

So far, my looking has cnsisted of standing on top of the Supreme Commander Kitty Tower and staring at where the bowl used to be, and then getting on the counter and complaining to the Woman, but I'll find it.

And when I do, there'll be a party at my house, 'cause there was A LOT of crunchy food left!

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We have a winner!

Actually we have 4, because they were all here at about the same time and the counter just didn't update to reflect which one was actually # 100,000. So bill and Bonnie Underfoot & Victor Tabb, and Oreo all win! They all visited together! It was a party in here while I was sleeping last night!

So each of you have to email me with an address where I can send your prize. You're all kitties, right? If you're not you gotta let me know or else you're gonna be really disappointed! Well, unless you're a person into some kinda weird stuff. Which is ok. I won't judge you. I'll make fun of you but I won't judge you.

Thanks for playing along everyone! We might do it again at 125,000!

Oh, and you know what else? We really did get more Stinky Goodness! Last night the Woman gave us each a whole can. We didn't have to share one! And this morning the Man gave us each a whole can! But to be honest, I didn't expect the bowl of crunchy food to just vanish. It was there one minute yesterday and gone the next, and neither Buddah nor I can figure out where it went. You think they would have given us fair warning and a chance to graze one last time or something. I asked the Woman about that early, early this morning, but all she did was shove me out of the bedroom and close the door.

She's got some nerve.

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I THINK WE'RE GONNA WIN!!!!!


The Woman has been following links that kitties gave, and reading about kitty biology and food and stuff, and she agrees, Stinky Goodness is probably best for me!
AND!

I might get MORE of it!

But the kicker, the thing that made her stand up (and dump me off her lap!) and go in to talk to the Man was something about the thingy that makes my pancreas hurt, and how the dry food might be making it worse! So she's going to go to the pet store and read the lables a little better to make sure she's buying Stinky Godness without a lot of starchy grains, and to see if she can figure out exactly how much I should get every day.

I'm so happy I could just poop!
So I think I will!
And not on her pillow!
And cripes, I sound like Buddah!!!


Ok, be sure to keep an eye on the counter...(it's to the left, scroll down a little bit) and if you're the Magic Number, say so! It's coming SOON!

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The other day the Woman grabbed me and stood on the thingy in the bathroom that makes her say bad words every morning, and she said, "Too much, Max."

So then she grabbed me again and took me into the other bathroom that has the other thingy that makes the Man swear when he stands on it, and she said "Same thing. You weight too much, Bucko."

I thought, "Well so do you," but I didn't say anything. I just went and plopped down on Buddah's bed that he never sleeps in, and started to lick myself. But then...then it got serious, because I heard the People talking.

"We have to take the Stinky Goodness away," the Woman said. "Wean them off of it."

"Maybe we should take away the dry food," the Man said. He thinks that would make us less whiny.

"The guy at the stabby place said the wet food should go," the Woman reminded him.

"He doesn't have to live with Max," the Man pointed out.

This goes on and on, and they haven't agreed on anything, but the fact that they're seriously talking about trying to starve me to death is ominous. The only good thing is that if I don't get Stinky Goodness neither does Buddah.

I'm afraid this time they might really mean it.

Someone make them keep my Stinky Goodness!

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Okays...I have a link to the left that takes you to a page reminding you to ask me a question. And I've gotten lots of really good questions! I'm thinking the answers might surpise you!

Oh, and start paying attention to my visitor counter. Sometime REALLY soon I'm going to get to 100,000--if you're the 100,000th visitor, say so in the comment section for that day! SHOUT IT OUT! Celebrate! 'Cause there will be a PRIZE for the kitty who is number 100,000! If you're a human and you're 100,000...well, you might not like the prize, but you'll still get it! Or maybe I can steal something of the Woman's.

She deserves to have something taken. She had CHICKEN today and she ate it AT THIS DESK and she didn't give me ANY of it!