You know, if you spend all day whining "play with me, play with me!" and I finally do play with you, don't start crying for some person to come rescue you just because I'm sitting on your scrawny little butt. If you're gonna play like a big kitty, you have to take it like a big kitty. And a big kitty won't get alloh save me! over a measily 15 pound cat butt squashing theirs...
If you don't want chocolate pudding on your big comfy chair, then don't leave the cup where a kitty can get hold of it and carry it there.
(and for once it wasn't me...)
So here's another way to drive your People nuts. short trip, eh? Spend a couple of days getting one of them to become your furniture--bed, chair, bathtub--all your furniture. If they're sitting down, give them The Look, watch as they rearrange their sitting position to accomodate your furry little body, and then jump up. Curl up and sleep for a good 2-3 hours, bathe, get down and get a snack, then jump back up. All day long.
People are insane. They'll totally go for it.
Then, on the 3rd day, wait for your Chosen One to sit down and then stand in fron tof them with The Look, maybe even meow a little. They'll make a lap, pat their legs and say "well, come on."
Tilt your head to one side, say "Meow" softly, and walk away.
The person will sigh hard; come back a few minutes later and repeat. They'll still make a lap for you. This time when you walk away, swish your tail just =so=.
Your person will totally irritated and insulted.
Your work will then be complete.
Wait a few days, then repeat.
Today, she was my furniture.
Yep, everytime she sat down, I was there, in her lap. When she sat at the computer, I jumped up there and made myself comfortable, even grabbing her arm to use as a pillow. When she plopped down on the bed to watch a little TV, I curled up on her, occassionally stirred to bathe myself. When she went out into the living room and sat in the big comfy chair, my butt was plastered to her lap before she could pick up the TV clicker thing.
She calls me Velcro Kitty when I do this, and at first she thinks it's funny, but after 5 or 6 hours of 15 pound kitty on her lap, she does tend to find it annoying.
And that amuses me.
She thinks I'm feeling needy and in want of some attention, but no. I just want to take enough time to thoroughly, completely annoy her. And when I'm not in her lap, I'm meowing to get her to make a lap for me. And the insane part? She does it! And she sits there until she has to pee so bad it's about gushing out her ears! The only time she makes me get up is when she's about to pop, or it's time to feed the kitties, or the Man wants to go somewhere.
This makes her once and again--as always--my witch widda 'B'...
The Woman and I had a conversation last night. She was sitting at her desk, looking at the computer, and I was sitting on the bed, trying to get her to get off her butt and let me have it for a while. She barely turned her head to look at me and said, "According to everything I've been reading, we need to put you on a low fat diet for your pancreas."
Excuse me? I don't think so. I am notgiving up my Stinky Goodness!
"If we didn't have to give you your meds, we could do away with the wet food..."
And I can gnaw your eyeballs out while you sleep, too...
"And we should reduce your stress levels."
Fine, get rid of Buddah.
"But you dont exactly have stress. You eat and sleep and poop."
Buddah is my source of stress!
"Moving is going to be stressful on you, isn't it?"
I won't like it, but there's bigger stress in my life!
"We keep thinking that having a bigger place will give you guys more room to play."
Fine. More room is nice. But who says I want to play...? I'm really just trying to kill the little monster.
Then she turned and lifted me onto her lap and rubbed the top of my head and said, "Buddah is kind of stressful on you, isn't he? I'm sorry... He'll get better as he gets older."
I'd prefer not to wait that long. Get rid of him.
"We'll figure something out."
Yeah. I'll believe that when I see it.
I need to pee on the camera...
Obviously, it's a great picture. You can't go wrong with the subject matter. But...look at my neck. It looks like I have a screw-top head. And I was sleeping. What is it about a sleeping kitty that makes people drag out the camera? How would they like it if we set off the flash in their face during a perfectly good nap?
Oh, they'd say all kinds of choice words, I'm sure.
Not that I didn't...
It was a stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The Woman was so worried about how far I could get my mouth open? Well I showed her! I went into the bathroom when it was still dark, probably a little before 5 this morning, got into the basket in the bathtub, and started singing. Loudly.
She got up and stumbled in, all worried that I might be puking up a lung or something. She flipped the light on, squinted, and asked me if I was ok.
I yawned at her.
A great big, mouth fully open, totally honkin' yawn.
Then I got up, turned around, and plopped down with my back turned towards her. Before she left I looked over my shoulder at her and gave her a "I just so totally flipped you off" look.
Maybe that'll teach her.
Well that, and all the poop.
The Man got home from passing gas all night and fed me, so I crawled into a hidy place and curled up to snooze. Next thing I know the Woman is shoving me into that plastic tomb and carrying me out to the car.
I hadn't even digested breakfast yet!
So. I did not bite anyone. That never accomplishes anything, anyway. I never get to leave and if I bite they drug me up and I feel groggy the rest of the day. Nope, I let the bald guy look inside my mouth--he had no trouble getting it open--and then in my ears. Heck, I even let him take my temperature. All the while he's telling me how good I am, how nice I'm being.
So then I did it.
I pooped all over the table. And while he was reaching for the paper towels, I jumped up on the Woman's shoulder, ran down her back, and pooped all over her, too. And it stunk. I mean, you know it's bad when you offend yourself.
He couldn't find anything in my mouth or ears, I didn't growl or hiss when when touched my jaw, but I did have a fever. So then the bad thing happened.
The really bad thing.
He took me to the back room and stabbed me, stealing even more of my blood.
So I pooped on that table. They cleaned me up and put me back in the plastic tomb and took me back out to the Woman, she paid, and on the way home...well, you guessed it.
I pooped a little bit more.
I AM THE POOP KING!
Supposedly the Woman will know more tomorrow about my blood. She says it's good news that I don't appear to need work on my teeth and that I don't seem to have any swelling in my jaw or have an ear infection. But now she has pills to crush to put in my food. I wont complain about that too much, because when we got home--after she cleaned me up more and then took a shower (wonder why she felt she neeed one?)--she fed me again.
Even better than being fed again--she locked Buddah in a room while I got to eat, and he heard her and started howling because he wanted some, too. I think she let him lick her yogurt spoon after because she felt bad for him, but I didn't. I heard him howl, and was laughing my black & white butt off.
I went to the stabby place.
They got no idea what might be wrong.
And I pooped alot.
Nice end to a day that started bad.
They flipped me onto my back, the Woman held me down, and the Man pried my mouth open to peek inside.
Know what they saw?
Nothing! But she still wants to take me to the stabby place because apparently, though my appetite is fine and I'm eating, she's not satisfied with how far I can open my mouth when I yawn.
The only good thing is she's making Buddah leave me alone.
Gah. I need new People.
Mind if I stand here and say bad words? Because I feel like it right now.
I was sitting on the Woman's lap and she kept looking at me funny, asking if I felt okay; she was worried because I kept acting like I was trying to push something out of my mouth with my tongue--well hells bells, people, when you have to lick your fur clean sometimes it gets stuck on your tongue! But I made the mistake of yawning a few times and she decided I couldn't open my mouth all the way, so she says Monday she's calling the stabby place!
WTF? Because I didn't open my mouth all the way? IT WAS A LITTLE YAWN!
But noooo, she's decided maybe I have a cavity or something.
Cripes, sometimes I hate people.
How in the heck did I manage to go so many days without blogging?
The Woman keeps hogging the computer.
She really should buy me one of my own.
Something of the Man's must meet a toothy death. A violent, horrible, maddening toothy death.
He locked me in his closet.
For over two hours!
He always leaves that closet open, so of course I go in there and curl up for some Buddah-free snooze time. It stinks in there (because he also stores his laundry in it) but I don't mind that so much if I can get away from the little crackhead. So in what mindset did he decide to close the freaking door tonight???
Oh, he gave me tuna after, but it doesn't count since Buddah got some, too. Buddah wasn't locked up anywhere. Oh no, he was running around like his little crackhead self.
The People are saying the M word again.
I'd repeat it, but it's a 4 letter word.
It means living in a new place.
I am going to poop on someone's pillow.
I am speaking slowly for the benefit of the People, who just don't seem to learn things very well:
If you leave steak in the trash can, you can expect a cat to try to dig it out.
Lik we'd just leave it there...
Ok, there's a 3rd shop up...My beautiful face on an "I Am So Cute..." shirt. Or mug. Or mousepad. Just click on the t-shirt, and it'll take you to the store.
In other news, I figured if the Woman didn't like my nose up hers, I'd rub my lips on hers. She's not too keen on that, either. What, like she doesn't let the Man do that? Please... She should make up her mind.
If a person doesn't want a cat to sit in her lap and then stick his nose up hers, then she should get up and feed him.
I'm just sayin'...
The People leave my Stinky Goodness container on the counter with a little plastic lid on it, and they expect me to leave it alone? They assume that because I don't have opposable thumbs that I cant get it off?
Well, I taught them a lesson today. They spent all day out of the house, doing God knows what, and I got hungry. I was starving. So I pried the lid off the can, pushed it to the floor, and ate it.
At first they blamed Buddah, until they saw me trying to pry the lid off again.
Wisely, they did not get mad. The Woman said I get points for being clever (I hope that means special treats) and that I would still get dinner tonight. If they had gotten mad, there would have been a toothy death of something of theirs while they slept.
Or poop on something. That's always good for revenge.
Added later: I opened a store with some t-shirts, a mousepad, journal, and other stuffs for the Red Cross thingy. Just in case you want more of my beautiful face for a good cause.
We got new boxes today. Not just one, but 3 of them. One great big one, and two smaller ones. Now, I'm happy with one box at a time and can hide in it and play in it and stuff, and I don't need two extra boxes. But Buddah...holy crap, give him 3 boxes and he's Super ADHD Kitty again. He bounces from one box to the next, scrambling and scratching and biting at the cardboard, and it's as if he doesn't know what to do. It's like watching an Animal Planet special: Crackhead Kitties Gone Insane.
He was so unbelieveable that I had to get out of my box and sit on the Woman's comfy chair just to watch him get spastic all over the place. The Woman wanted to know what he was thinking, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure that at the sight of 3 new boxes he sneezed and his little brains fell right out of his head.
He gets going so hard and fast that he runs right into walls...and then he acts like the wall jumped out in front of him and it's not his fault at all.
If I were the People, I'd hide those boxes before going to bed. If they don't, there's either going to be a lot of kitty noise in the middle of the night, or Buddah's head is just going to explode, and there will be a mess to clean up in the morning.