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Ok, I don’t know what the hell this is:



but there are half a dozen of them outside my window, and I don’t like it, not one bit. They don’t speak, don’t blink; they just stand there and stare. Worse, I don’t even think they’re edible.

What good is an inedible bird???

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I have issues this weekend.
The Woman keeps leaving the house and returns still smelling of dog.
I can hear her outside calling to them.
If she brings one home, that's it.
The pooping on the pillows shall commence.

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They smell like dog.
The people came home and they smell like dogs.
Unacceptable.

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I am not on your lap to show how much I love you.
I am not nuzzling your face out of affection.
I am not wiggling on my back to be cute.

I am on your lap because it’s there.
I am nuzzling your face because that gets hair up your nose.
I am wiggling on my back because you are wearing brand new black jeans, and the wiggling transfers a ton of fur onto them in just seconds.

All of this annoys you, and that amuses me.

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Not that I’m getting soft or anything, but I let the Woman sleep in a little bit today. I started to get her up at the appointed time by singing at the top of my little lungs, but when she didn’t stir, I figured it was best to leave her alone. I mean, she was a source of amusement all night long, what with her odd snorting and gurgling sounds coming out of her nose. I wound up sitting on the bed just listening to her part of the night—how do people make those disgusting noises without waking themselves up?

And the smell! Holy crap, there’s this stench coming out of her nose like you wouldn’t believe…I kind of like it and am kind of repelled at the same time. It as a stench worthy of risking waking her up by cramming my nose up one of her nostrils for a minute, but I don’t think that disturbed her. One eye opened and she did shove me off of her, but she didn’t yell or anything. She just rolled over and started making new noises.

She finally got up about 45 minutes late this morning, and don’t tell her I said this, but damn, she looked like hell. She must not remember my nose up hers, because she didn’t yell or snap at me. In fact, she’s just whispering for the most part.

This might be worth getting fed late.

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I sat in the window today and watched the Woman outside. She was out there all freaking day long, digging in the dirt. If it had been me, I’d have gotten yelled at (I did get yelled at for running behind the big thing they have the TV on…hey People, if you don’t want me back there, shove it against the wall!) but she just knelt there and dug. And planted a chiltload of flowers. Like she knew what she was doing.

Now, they look okay, but does she not realize those things will just get bigger, and she’ll have to remember to water them? They’re doomed.

Not to mention, the outside cats around here will probably poop between the plants.

I would, but there’s no way I’m going outside. There are Sticky People out there—even a new Sticky Little Person.

They’re taking over the world.

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I’m not sure I like this warmer weather. It’s not like I get to go outside and enjoy it, and it keeps my People away from me. And it’s not as if I really want them in here bugging me all the time, but they should be available to meet my needs as they arise.

The last few days have been especially trying—the Woman goes outside to “read” but then other People start showing up, and they sit in these cheap plastic chairs in a circle, talking and laughing and wrangling the Sticky Little Creatures. And for whatever reason, they seem to find the Sticky Ones appealing and somewhat humorous. Okay, I suppose it’s cute to see the smallest of them trying to work up the nerve to take that first step. And the slightly older Sticky People sliding on that wet piece of plastic was kind of funny in a warped sort of way, especially after it was placed on the little hill and they had leverage to work up some speed.

But it still means my Woman is out there and not inside where she should be. And she freaking spends all day out there! What the heck can People talk about for so long, and for so many days??? Why aren’t they inside taking care of the cats???

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Okay…This is just wrong…

On a different note… People, you have opposable thumbs. You can open any can in the house and feed yourselves. You can operate the hot box in the kitchen and cook up some perfectly wonderful, tasty treats. You can even pour odd smelling things out of a box and eat them. You don’t need to wait for someone to drag their sorry ass out of bed to open a can of Stinky Goodness, as you can do it yourself.

So why, tell me why, would you sit there in a chair, starting at the idiot box in the living room, hungry? Why would you not just get up and get food? More importantly, why would you disturb my nap because of it?

Really, I’m curled up on the Woman while she sites there and watches some bald guy yell at people on TV, sound asleep, when this horrendous noise jolts me awake. I’m thinking “Holy crap, it’s an earthquake!” but she’s not concerned at all; she’s just watching that damned TV. So I put my head down, and it happens again. It’s her freaking stomach, and it’s growling louder than a dog in the middle of a squirrel attack.

Did she get up to get food? Nooooo… that would be too easy. No, she just sat there like whatever the bald guy was saying was really important (it wasn’t, trust me), and allowed my nap to be ruined by her unwillingness to put something in her stomach to quiet the noise.

Come on, people. I can’t open my own cans, but you sure as hell can. And while you’re at it, share. That stuff might not really be cat food, but it came out of a can and smells like cat food, so it must be cat-edible. Really now.

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Holy Crap!
FRESH STINKY GOODNESS!!!

This didn’t come from a can, but a real live dead fish that the Man brought home and cooked up just for me. He even threw it on the grill until it was nice and flaky, taste tested it to make sure it was good enough, and then gave me a bowl full.

If this is what happens when they disappear on me all day, they can leave more often. I’m so full my tummy hurts, but I can take the Woman’s chair and sleep it off. I’m sure she’ll be happy to sit somewhere else while I digest.

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I need to come up with new ways to get the Woman out of bed in the morning. The tried and true methods of peeling her lazy ass up just aren’t working well anymore. This morning I tried them all—except for launching her glasses across the room, because I wanted to live through breakfast—and she just wouldn’t open her freaking eyes. I know she knew I was there, because at one point she mumbled “Go away,” but all she did was roll over and bury her face in the pillow. I even tried plopping down on top of her head, thinking that if she couldn’t breathe, she’d have to get up, but no…she must have held her breath for a good 15 minutes. Her face was jammed down into that pillow and I was holding it there, but she never budged.

I shouldn’t have to work so hard for my food. I need something that will get her out of bed at my first request. Yep, something reallllly good…